The Hobgoblin Riot

Dominion of Blades, Book II

Matt Dinniman

First Edition

THE HOBGOBLIN RIOT © 2018 by Matt Dinniman

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law. Also, no hippos or polecats were harmed in the production of this book. The author may or may not have abused himself in various ways.

For permissions, please contact dinniman@gmail.com

Cover art © 2018 by Richard Sashigane

https://www.artstation.com/makingpicsslowly

Formatted by Kody Boye Publishing Services

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Table of Contents

“Jesus, it’s beautiful,”

Note from the Scriptorium Guild.

Author Unknown Note 1.

Part 1

Jonah Note 1

Jonah Note 2

Jonah Note 3

Jonah Note 4

Jonah Note 5

Jonah Note 6

Jonah Note 7

Popper Note 1

Popper Note 2

Popper Note 3

Unknown Note 2

Popper Note 4

Popper Note 5

Popper Note 6

Popper Note 7

Popper Note 8

Part 2

Unknown Note 3.

Popper Note 9

Popper Note 10

Popper Note 11

Popper Note 12

Popper Note 13

Popper Note 14

Popper Note 15

Raj Note 1

Popper Note 16

Unknown Note 4

Jonah Note 8

Jonah Note 9

Jonah Note 10

Gretchen Note 1

Popper Note 17

Jonah Note 11

Gretchen Note 2

Jonah Note 12

Jonah Note 13

Jonah Note 14

Popper Note 18

Jonah Note 15

Popper Note 19

Gretchen Note 3

Popper Note 20

Jonah Note 16

Gretchen Note 4

Gretchen Note 5

Jonah Note 17

Popper Note 21

Jonah Note 18

Popper Note 22

Jonah Note 19

Part 3

Unknown Note 5

Popper Note 23

Gretchen Note 6

Popper note 24

Popper Note 25

Popper Note 26

Jonah Note 20

Jonah Note 21

Jonah Note 22

Jonah note 23

Jonah Note 24

Jonah Note 25

Jonah Note 26

Raj Note 2

Gretchen Note 7

Jonah Note 27

Popper Note 27

Jonah Note 28

Gretchen Note 8

Popper Note 28

Jonah Note 29

Popper Note 29

Jonah Note 30

Jonah Note 31

Popper Note 30

Epilogue

Author’s Note:

I suspect most people don’t read author’s notes, especially long ones, so I’ll keep this short. This book is out a few months after I promised. Sorry about that. However, here’s a plot twist:

What you currently hold in your hands is actually Dominion of Blades Book 2 and Book 3. If you’ll notice, it’s significantly longer than the last one. Here’s why. My original intention was to have the action of Books 2 and 3 happen at the same time. One would be from Popper’s point of view, and the other would be from Jonah’s. As I came to the end of the first draft of Book 2 way back in August of 2017, it became clear that wasn’t going to work. As a result, I’ve combined the two.

(And yes, I’m still going to call the next one Book 3, so as not to be confusing. But it’ll really be Book 4. Shhh. It’ll be our little secret.)

Thanks so much for your time, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading.

Maps of the two major locations found within this story may be found on Matt Dinniman’s author page on Facebook.

“Alice: How long is forever?

White Rabbit: Sometimes, just one second.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“Jesus, it’s beautiful,” Smallthunder said. The first mate of The Hibiscus stood watch, sipping coffee out of a paper cup. The blue and green planet of Arcadia swirled on the view screen.

Science Officer Conestoga studied the readouts of the probe. The planet looked almost identical to Earth, only with the continents and water all jumbled up. And without that filthy brown streak in the upper atmosphere, she thought. The screen flashed, numbers populating the analysis. She sighed with relief. It all checked out. Green across the board. It was beautiful. She looked up from the report to see the entire bridge watching her.

She was supposed to report only to Captain Barnes, but he was currently asleep.

“How’s it looking?” Wallis asked, peering over his shoulder at Conestoga. The engineer knew the Captain’s order just as well as she did. She caught the eyes of the XO who gave her the slightest nod.

She smiled at Wallis and gave him a thumbs up. The bridge broke out in applause.

“Commander, when are we waking up the main science team?” Wallis asked.

“In five days,” Smallthunder said. The large man made a show of rubbing his eyes as if something was in them. The man had been out of stasis for almost two weeks now, and Conestoga didn’t think he’d slept once the entire time. He certainly hadn’t slept last night. She’d woken up next to him, and he’d been sitting up in his bunk, staring out the porthole. He hadn’t even acknowledged her as she gathered her items and fled back to her quarters. The man was a machine. They’d said he’d been a marine before joining the navy, taking part in the lunar skirmishes with China.

She’d slept with him twice now. The first time had been about 6,000 years ago, during their fifth, three-day rotation. The second time was last night. He was oddly emotionless, bordering on robotic. It was only during the throes of passion where he showed any emotion at all. He’d, absurdly, told her he’d loved her last night. She’d fallen asleep in his arms while he stroked her hair. When she awakened several hours later, it was as if it had never happened.

“Sir, I’m receiving a message precursor from home base,” the communications officer said. “ETA, seven minutes.”

“It’s about time,” Smallthunder said. “Alice, Gemma, please authenticate.”

Conestoga wanted to learn earth’s fate just as much as anybody else, but she was almost afraid to know. They either pulled through or they didn’t. She was almost more afraid to hear that everything had turned out fine, that the entire trip to save humanity had been for nothing. Humans were alive and well and thriving.

Alice’s soothing voice came over the speaker. “The message is authenticated. Message sent three years, 22 days post departure. Decoding now. Six minutes and 28 seconds until it is ready.”

“Confirmed,” Gemma said. Gemma—the tactical AI—had a more commanding voice, louder than Alice. Conestoga startled at the sound.

LPE Daniels entered the cockpit, carrying a tablet. He worriedly showed some numbers to Smallthunder. Conestoga had only known the wormy propulsion engineer for a grand total of a month—albeit a month spread over many thousand years worth of three-day shifts—and she did not like him at all. The man was continually worrying or complaining about something. He spent the rest of his energy creeping on the female crewmates, Conestoga included.

Last night at chow he’d whined for an hour straight about how he’d been stuck as a blackjack dealer in the game. No one was sympathetic. Conestoga had been a chimney sweep for the alchemist’s guild. Captain Barnes had been a barmaid at a brothel. Not everyone could luck out like Wallis had. He’d been on an airship crew. His cycle had been almost three years. He’d actually enjoyed his time in the game.

Smallthunder looked up at the ceiling. “Alice, why aren’t we making the correction now?”

Alice seemed exasperated. While the other two ship AIs—Waldo and Gemma—both retained their no-nonsense, emotionless attitude, Alice—the primary systems and navigation AI—seemed to have developed an actual personality over the course of the voyage. “As I explained to Daniels earlier, it will be more efficient to make the correction two hours and three minutes from now.”

Smallthunder shrugged and handed the tablet back to Daniels, who sighed, muttering something about protocols.

“Do you think we’ll get a notification about the main colony fleet in the message?” Wallis asked. Conestoga knew Wallis had a wife and three kids scheduled for the next boat. Her own sister was supposed to be on one of the colony ships also.

“I hope so,” Daniels said, turning. “My son is on there.”

“Really?” Conestoga said, genuinely surprised. “I didn’t know you had kids.”

“The message is ready,” the communications officer said. “It appears to be captain’s eyes only.”

“Very well,” Smallthunder said. “Go wake him up.”

“Yes, sir.”

The officer was gone for several minutes as they nervously waited. Daniels chewed on his nails, lingering on the bridge. Wallis drummed on his console. The rest pretended to work. This was it. First confirmation of what had happened to the world after they left.

The message was only three years post departure, true. But the world had seemed to be on the brink. They were expecting more messages at 10, 15, 20, and 25 years as well. All of those messages should arrive one after another over the next few days. Conestoga was a biologist not a physicist, and she only had a basic grasp of the science behind how they slung the packets from Earth to Arcadia. It was hard to wrap your mind around it.

The lights dimmed. They all looked at each other in surprise. That had never happened before.

Waldo’s male voice came over the loudspeaker, suddenly, unexpectedly, even more jarring than Gemma’s. “AI Alice has been taken offline. It appears her primary stack was melted via a burst originating from AI Gemma. I have removed Gemma’s access to the primary network, but she is currently attempting to regain control. It is unclear if I will be successful in keeping her out.”

“Waldo, explain,” Smallthunder barked.

“What the fuck?” Wallis said.

Six soldiers, all from the medical team burst onto the bridge. Conestoga recognized a few of them. One was VanPelt, the man who had helped her out of stasis the last time. He’d told her a funny story about how he’d sneaked his cocker spaniel onto the ship. The dog was somewhere hidden, in its own special stasis pod. She also recognized Isabella Farooqi, another one of the hospital corpsmen.

All six of the medical officers were armed.

“What is the meaning of this?” Smallthunder demanded.

“I’m so sorry,” Farooqi said.

Note from the Scriptorium Guild.

The following pages are a collection of writings from the former King Jonah and his most-trusted companions, written in the days before the Great Cataclysm. These pages were delivered via messenger, postage paid by one Master Gold from the town of Icardi, country Dace. Included with these writings was payment for publication and distribution similar to King Jonah’s original work, one Dominion of Blades.

Like King Jonah’s previous book, most of these notes are incomprehensible gibberish to all but those deemed Awakened. Be assured these notes, while several years old at the time of publication, have been copied rune for rune. All notes have been published in the order they were presented, as requested by Master Gold. The author of the individual letters, when known, is indicated at the start of each section.

Master Bledsoe of the Scriptorium Guild, Grandeur.

This third edition of The Hobgoblin Riot has been compiled by Master Fritz of the Scriptorium Guild, Kosil. Changes from previous editions are noted within the text.

Author Unknown Note 1.

Appears to be written by a half-ogre named Elijah.

Well, shit.

The raid started with 1,500 players, and we were down to 30. I’d been a lucky motherfucker so far, but it would not last much longer. That last hour had been brutal. The lightning towers just past the prison were like a kick in the balls, killing most of us in seconds. I’d only survived because of my boots, which had an Insulation enchantment. Before that, we’d been ambushed by a group of about 100 hobgoblins, screeching and frothing at the mouth on their beetle and spider mounts. It’d been a quick, bloody battle that had killed many more of us than it should have.

Those of us who remained were battered, tired, and tapped out of potions. We’d made it further into the spiral than most parties did, but I knew we wouldn’t last much longer. I wouldn’t last much longer, that was for sure. I was the only half-ogre left in the group, and I loomed over everyone else. I felt exposed, like a glistening, wiggly worm popping out of the dirt on a Sunday morning.

“Incoming!” someone shouted, and we all hit the deck as the wail of inbound artillery filled the air. The ground quaked as massive, flaming rocks crashed against the streets of Castellane. Walls crumbled around us, and shouting rose. Several grayed-out notifications scrolled by as party members left the game.

Next to me, Monobrow Sam cursed as blood spewed from where his left arm used to be.

“Damn it all to hell,” my friend said, downing a healing potion, his last. “That ruined my bracer.” I watched as my friend’s arm regrew. “Just a quarter of a mile more, and we hit the safe room.”

Sam was delusional. Even if we made it to the entrance to the Catacombs, then what? We’d be able to rest and buy a few more potions. Theoretically, we could wait four hours and see if the next group made it this far, and we could join up with them. But I had to work in the morning, and the last thing I needed was to stay up all night. I’d promised Juliette I’d be out by midnight, and I knew it had to be pushing 11 P.M. already.

“Keep moving!” a man shouted from the front of the ragged group. He was a dwarfish barbarian wearing scorched furs. The name floating over his head read Slytherinyourmom. The rest of us groaned and jumped to our feet, following the dwarf as we jogged down the wide, rubble-strewn boulevard.

I clutched my sword tightly and held my kite-shaped shield against my chest. This stretch of the spiral didn’t contain any apparent defenses, though we remained vulnerable to the long-range artillery and the occasional lucky shot from the Sentinel Tower.

“Wait,” a texugo warden called. The woman’s pet, a black panther, hissed a warning.

“Stop! Trap!” another female voice called. This came from the auric rogue jogging a few steps in front of me.

Slytherinyourmom either didn’t hear or reacted too slowly. His foot hit the pressure plate, and that dreaded sound, the loud, gun-cocking click echoed through the street. We all stopped dead.

The ground around the dwarf exploded upward in a geyser of rock and blood.

Player Slytherinyourmom (Level 64, Barbarian, Dwarf) has left the game.

Dozens of fat babies with wings and fangs burst from the crater, zipping toward us. The pudgy, red monsters wailed as they corkscrewed through the air, claws out.

“Gloom cherubs!” someone yelled as the biting little assholes covered him.

I smashed one with my shield, and it splattered against the steel like a rotten tomato. I cleaved a second in half. Experience notifications started flying.

They kept coming and coming as if that trap had opened a portal to hell.

“Shit, shit!” Monobrow Sam called. He’d stupidly pulled up a magic shield around himself. These things used a physical attack, and the blue shield did nothing. He had one cherub on the back of his robe, biting down furiously. Sam danced around as if he’d caught on fire. He panic-cast Raise Dead, and a few of the dead cherubs around our feet twitched. It would be of no use. We were fucked.

Warning! Your connection is unstable. Retrying in 3… 2…

Shit! Now? I sliced through the air with my sword, but my blade cut through the gloom cherub like it wasn’t there. Damnit! Another brownout? Pittsburgh had been experiencing the occasional loss of electricity lately, and it had been getting worse. The apartment had battery backup, but my rig pulled too much juice for me to plug into the red outlets. The super watched our levels like a damn hawk, so I had to do my gaming on the non-essential grid. Without power, the capacitors in my rig wouldn’t keep me connected much longer.

“We’re going sinkhole,” I called out to Monobrow Sam. I jumped back so the interruption wouldn’t take out the other members of the party. Sometimes when your rig crashed, you took out everyone around you. It was common etiquette to shout “sinkhole” and try to run away from the other players. If the power at my place was out, Sam would be kicked also. He lived three apartments down.

“I’m fine,” Monobrow Sam called, rushing away from me. He wasn’t fine. Two more of the little fuckers had latched onto him. He’d be down at any moment. I barely had time to wonder why I was going sinkhole when he wasn’t. My vision flickered.

…

Error. Warning. Neural cradle interfere…

A shredding pain crashed against my mind as I was cruelly peeled away from the VR. This felt like an emergency eject, but worse. My brain ripped, like stuck together and dried pages of a book being forced apart. What the hell was going on? My head screamed in agony, and twin flames roared behind my eyes. My arms and legs tingled as the digital tendrils of the computer system disconnected from my nerves.

I felt a heavy pair of hands on my shoulders. A man spoke to me in harsh tones. A baby cried. Molly. Molly cried. Where was Juliette? I shook my head, trying to shake the cobwebs. They’d unplugged my cradle and peeled it off my head. You’re not supposed to do that, I thought. You could really get scrambled that way.

“What the fuck is going on?” I said when I finally found my voice. My stomach lurched. Nausea swept over me. My head felt flayed open. I’d have a headache for a day, maybe more.

“Elijah Hoover,” a voice was saying. The male voice boomed with authority. “Elijah Hoover, do you hear me?” A pair of fingers snapped in front of my face. I tried to sit up in my rig, but the heavy hands held me down.

“Who are you? Where’s Juliette?”

“I’m here,” she called from the doorway. Her voice betrayed fear. I blinked. People filled the room. Big men and women. The crackle of radio chatter burst from the hallway. Juliette clutched Molly in her arms, who wailed.

“Elijah Hoover,” the voice repeated. “We have a warrant to search these premises.”

Part 1

Jonah Note 1

New Quest: The Chasm Troll’s Teat.

Having just given birth to a new brood of trollish warriors, the Chasm Troll Queen Mother needs your help. Her breastmilk, used to feed the troll larvae, is not coming in due to an infection. Find flesh of abbot fruit, have it converted to a salve, and rub the concoction on each of the queen’s infected nipples. If you do not complete this task in a timely manner, her nipples will become gangrenous and fall off. The starving troll larvae will devour her and will turn their efforts on the city of Harmony.

You have 24 hours to complete this task.

Reward for completing this task: You will earn the Chasm Troll Queen Mother’s undying loyalty and gain control of the trollish army.

Penalty for failing this task: The ravening troll horde will sweep upon Harmony, devouring everything in their path.

This is a Unique Quest!

This is a Kingdom Quest!

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Popper said, looking up from the table where he sat with Raj. They were tasting the cook’s newest attempt at making donuts. I’d tried one, and they were not good, but you couldn’t tell based on the look on Raj’s ferret-like face. The polecat shoved them in his mouth, one after another, squeaking with delight. “Where the hell did that come from?”

Gretchen stormed into the great room, Bruce Bruce on her heels. “Jonah,” she said, looking at me. “Jonah, tell us what you did.”

Alice the hippocorn looked up from her favorite spot by the massive, crackling fireplace to eye Bruce Bruce. She growled at the bear. Bruce Bruce growled back, the brown hair bristling on the mount’s back.

I reread the quest, dumbfounded. You dumbass. A 24-hour countdown appeared in the top right of my vision. Waldo had warned me not to mess around too much with the Kingdom Management menu. Hire workers, the AI had told me. Fix the damaged parts of the city, especially the wall. Recruit citizens. Do not attempt to build anything new. Do not venture into any of the deeper menus. They’re untested, and the results are unpredictable.

It’d been a single, alluring menu in the Factions tab of the Harmony subsection of the Kingdom Management screen. The system recommended we needed at least 300,000 recruits to effectively protect the city from the hobgoblin horde, and at least 500,000 recruits and 3,000 ships to defend from the burning fleet. With three weeks to go before the hobgoblins arrived—and no way to know for sure when the fleet would attack, we currently had only 125,000 arrowed citizen defenders, and every single one of them was spending their days working on the wall expansion.

The glowing button had read, “Mob Recruitment.”

I’d clicked on it, and a long list of monsters appeared from adlet to kobolds to zorigami. Most of the monsters, about three-fourths of them, were grayed out. I scrolled through, noticing a few of the non-grayed out monsters had the upside-down teardrop shape icon indicating a GPS marker. I hovered over the green icon, and a tooltip appeared: This mob currently resides within 25 kilometers of Harmony. The monster type was Chasm Troll: Melee.

I figured just clicking on it wouldn’t do anything. Usually, when you clicked on something that caused an action, you would get an Are You Sure? This time, however, that didn’t happen. I’d just wanted to see what it said, not actually initiate anything.

“Well,” I said, hastily closing the window. “Uh, well. The good news is, I found a way to hire more soldiers for the defense.”

“What the hell is an abbot fruit?” Popper asked. “I never heard of it.”

“An abbot fruit is a plant that only grows on the other side of the world,” Keta said, striding into the room. Larissa, the captain of the guard and widow of the now-dead King Bartholomew clomped noisily into the room after her. The large, female human looked alarmed, which was a bad sign. The NPC never looked alarmed.

 “Your majesty,” Larissa said. “My air guard reports that a large crevice has appeared in the Aurora neighborhood of the city, just northeast of here. The last time this happened, we’d discovered an entire stench of trolls living in the caverns below. I request permission to lead the guard and a platoon of the new recruits to exterminate these vermin before they pour into the city.”

“That was fast,” Popper muttered.

“Not yet,” I said. “We have twenty-four hours before they attack.”

“How do you know this?” Larissa asked. “And if that is so, then now is the best time to attack.”

If we sent the guard in there now, it’d probably be disastrous. I was still relatively new to this game, but I knew by now shortcuts like that had a way of backfiring. The game liked it when you solved quests in unusual ways, but when you tried to cheat your way through things, the results were usually…unexpected.

I looked at Larissa. The NPC stood about six and a half feet tall, taller even than Gretchen. She kept her black hair cropped short, and a long scar ran down the left side of her face. She held Native American features, and Gretchen said the woman closely resembled the wife of Bart Hughes, the founder of Dominion of Blades, though the real-life version wasn’t nearly that tall. I’d never seen Larissa without her gleaming plate metal armor, though she never wore the helmet within the castle. The first time I’d seen her, she’d been killed when her flying drake had been turned undead by an angel horror. She’d plummeted to the ocean below. She’d regenerated after I had killed her husband, King Bartholomew in the arena. Her drake, however, still hadn’t come back.

Like Keta and Larus, she’d shown me no ill-will, even though I’d effectively staged a coup, resulting in the death of her husband. The entire court all treated me like I’d been king the whole time.

The same couldn’t be said for how they treated Gretchen and Popper. Keta, especially, treated them both with open contempt. Only after I ordered the guards and the rest of the court to address my companions with deference did the tensions calm down. Keta accomplished it by just pretending the other two weren’t there.

I ignored the question from Larissa. “We need to find this abbot fruit,” I said. “We need to make it into a salve.”

Larus, the seagull-like royal steward flapped into the room, coming to a landing on the table. His feathers remained ruffled. The seagull hated it when things in his city were out of place.

“Abbot fruit?” Larus said. “That is a rare fruit indeed.”

 “You know what, fuck it,” Popper said. “This is a good thing. I say we pull out of the city now before the trolls attack. We can’t protect this place. Let’s take the money we have, steal all the silverware we can pawn, and shack up with the moon aurics in one of their floating cities. That way your curse won’t attract any undead the aurics can’t handle. If Harmony gets invaded by troll larvae, so damn what? Let the hobgoblins and primordials fight them when they get here. This place is as cold as a snowman’s ball sack. It’s summer, and it’s still cold as shit.”

“Yeah,” Alice added, whose new permanent spot was in front of the fire in the great room. “I don’t like the cold.” She’d stopped sleeping in the stables despite the stablemaster’s best efforts to keep her happy.

“You know the moon aurics fly over the arctic circle,” Gretchen said. “And I’m not so sure they’d let Alice up in one of their cities.”

“Yi let me on her boat,” Alice said.

“Yi is gone. We don’t know where she is,” Gretchen said.

Indeed, Yi had disappeared immediately after we won the tournament. I had a pretty good idea where she was now. She’d gone south to Los Angeles, the city of Grandeur here, to talk to the good Rector Smallthunder.

“I can’t abandon the city,” I said. “You know I can’t.” I loved the idea of just running and finding someplace safe to hide until my curse dissipated. But I couldn’t. If I lost this city, then I would lose this castle. If I lost the castle, I’d lose both the free zone that kept my curse at bay and my access to the room where I could touch the glowing stone globe and talk to Waldo. We needed the AI to point us to the crew members. As soon as we dealt with the two armies and the Sandra the Learnt kidnapping, Castle Harmony would be the training grounds for The Hibiscus’s new crew. Once they were trained, Waldo would initiate the wake-up sequence for everyone involved, and they would rush to the cockpit and correct the starship’s failing orbit in the minutes we had left. It was the only hope we had.

 “Jonah,” Popper said. “You’ve done your best. Every day, your soldiers ride out further and arrow more citizens for the upcoming fight. It’s not going to be enough. We all know it. We tried, but it’s just not going to work. And now this? Do you know what a chasm troll larva can do? If we stay, we’re going to die.”

I had no idea what a chasm troll was. It didn’t sound pleasant. “We just need to find some of this abbot fruit, and then those things will fight for us.”

“I’ve done a lot of whacked-out shit these past few weeks,” Popper said. “Crazy, soul-wrenching things. I am stuck, probably forever, in the body of a little girl. I’ve helped slaughter a whole village of gnomes. Gnomes who turned out to be innocent, mind you. And then I abandoned their children. I was melted by a chinchilla who shot acid out of its ass. I talked a kid into blowing up a brothel filled with innocent NPCs using illegal explosives. I have done all of these things because that’s what we’ve had to do to survive.” He jabbed his finger at me. “But every man has a goddamned line. And let me tell you, I have found that line. You want to know what that line is, Jonah? It’s rubbing lotion on the infected nipples of a troll. That is some sick fucking shit, and it’s not going to happen.”

“Oh quit being such a baby,” I said. “I’ll rub the lotion on the nipples.”

“That’s what you say now, but who always ends up having to do the dirty work? Just like last week when we were scouting those drainage tunnels for the wall expansion. ‘Oh, I know I said I’d go in there, but I can’t fit. Raj isn’t here. Popper, why don’t you crawl into that hole and see where it comes out.’ That thing bit my arm off, Jonah. It literally ate my arm like it was a goddamned Twizzler.” He waved his now-healed arm in the air.

“For fuck’s sake,” I said. “Are you still whining about that?”

“Guys, we have to find this salve first,” Gretchen said, raising her hand. “This is serious. If we’re going to do this, we have to act quickly.”

Popper took a deep breath. “No, I’m serious, too. We’ve talked about this. Maybe it’s time.”

Gretchen put her hand on Popper’s shoulder. “Let’s give it a shot first. If it starts to look like we aren’t going to stop the trolls, then we initiate our escape plan.”

Popper shook his head, but he stopped talking.

“Okay,” I said, jumping into action. “Larus, you fly to the Light Cleric guild and see if they have any of this abbot fruit stuff on hand. Popper, go to our emo-tong friends and ask them the same thing. I will find some druids and also ask around. Even if they don’t have it, we’ll ask them if they can make a salve out of it if we brought them some. Keta, prepare a portal scroll in case we come up empty. We’ll have to zap over to wherever these things grow. Larissa, set up a perimeter around the crevice. We don’t want anyone going in. If anything comes out, don’t attack it unless it attacks first. Understand?”

The NPCs, who’d been standing by glassy-eyed while we talked game mechanics all hopped into action at my orders. Larus flapped off complaining about being an errand boy. I met Keta’s questioning eyes as she left the room. I gave her a quick nod.

I looked at Gretchen. “I need you to stick to your original plan. How long do you think it will take?”

“Bruce Bruce and I were headed out to Hiram Island,” Gretchen said. “I wasn’t expecting to be back until after dark, but I’ll try to be quicker.”

Alice looked up from her spot by the fire and growled at the sound of the bear’s name. Bruce Bruce stuck his tongue out at the hippocorn. Alice looked ready to leap up from her spot and spear the bear in the face.

I nodded. I’d put Gretchen in charge of investigating the Sandra the Learnt disappearance, and she’d taken to it right away. She’d only been working on it for a few days, but she’d already found numerous clues. If we were going to abandon the city, getting this done now was crucial.

“Wait, where are you going?” Popper asked Gretchen.

“Okay, so remember how Sandra was supposedly kidnapped while she was out visiting family? Well, I found where her family lives, and I’m going out there to talk to them. They live in a warren on that island in the middle of Lake Aberdeen.”

“A warren? I thought she was human,” Popper said.

“She’s not,” Gretchen said. “She’s a polecat, like Raj.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Popper said. “There’s a picture of her in her office, and she is clearly human.”

“He’s right,” I said.

Popper and I had ransacked the woman’s office looking for clues. None of the NPC staffers had anything to say about her beyond the basics. She came to work every morning, did her work—whatever the hell a royal cartographer did day in and out—and left. A few had mentioned that she’d been “kidnapped and taken over the ocean,” but none of them seemed to know where they’d heard that from. We didn’t know if it was just rumor, bad programming, or an actual clue.

Gretchen nodded. “That’s what you were supposed to think. This whole quest is set up to be a mystery. Her office is in the first, public ring of the castle, and they want you to go in there and look around and to see that picture.”

“The picture has her name under it,” I said.

“The picture actually says, ‘Sandra the Learned’ with an ‘ed’ at the end, not a ‘t.’ I looked her up, and the ed version is some obscure cartographer from the past. The whole thing was thrown in there as a red herring.”

“Well, shit,” Popper said. “Look at the big brain on Gretchen! Jonah here is gonna have to name you chief investigator extraordinaire.”

“What do you want Raj to do?” the young polecat asked. “Do you still want me to check on the workers today at the wall?”

I hesitated. We’d been worried when we moved the little street kid from Valisa to Harmony, but he’d mixed right in. We’d used him numerous times already to find certain labor leaders who wouldn’t go on strike right away, or whose crews wouldn’t suffer from “accidents” while working on our developments. The trade unions and gangs were the real leaders of this city, and now that the 50-mile wall project was in full swing, Raj’s help was crucial.

But if we did have to flee the city, we’d need Raj with us. The kid had a tendency to stray. He spent a lot of time at the beach. He wore several pouches on the inside of his vest, all filled with sand and seashells. The kid would spend all day wandering the beaches if we let him. I didn’t want to have to go chasing after him.

“Not today, buddy. You can either stay in the castle or go with one of us, but I don’t want you wandering. Things might start moving quickly.”

“Okay, King Jonah.”

“Raj shall travel with us,” Bruce Bruce the bear declared, speaking for the first time. The Russian-accented mount tended to shout all his words. “Raj needs to learn how to be strong. How to fight! Not spend his day pulling dead rats off the horn of this overweight water pig.”

“Oh now you said it,” Alice said, scrambling to her feet. “Motherfucker, I’m going to…”

“Stop,” I bellowed as Alice rushed toward the bear, who had slinked back to stand behind Gretchen. Bruce Bruce was large, but Alice was bigger.

She stopped her charge but issued a low, constant growl. Popper stood from the table to put a hand on her side. The enraged hippocorn breathed heavily.

Gretchen had found Bruce Bruce in the royal stables, and he was quickly becoming her favorite mount. The bear was a great fighter—a rare quality for a mount—and moved quickly. Eli, the donkey she’d ridden all the way here from Icardi, remained in the stables, spending his days happily eating hay. I rode Jenny whenever I went out, but she was not fast and was not really a suitable mount anymore. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to give her up.

Bruce Bruce was not a pet like Alice was. Bears were stubborn, and in order to bond with a bear, you had to fight alongside them for a long time before you could make the transformation. While Alice was considered an Epic mount, Bruce Bruce was merely Uncommon. Still, the bear was perfect for Gretchen’s needs. The only problem was that he simply didn’t get along with Alice. Whenever they were in the same room, they spent the entire time trading insults until Alice was goaded into attacking.

It was all because of the twin unicorns, also from the royal stables. They hadn’t gotten along with Alice, either, so we’d had them moved to the white jacket stables on the other side of the castle grounds. Bruce Bruce had been good friends with the unicorns and had taken their banishment personally.

Popper, Gretchen, and I had managed to keep their scuffles to a minimum, but it was starting to become a real problem. If those two didn’t start getting along soon, I was going to have to suggest that Gretchen find another mount.

“Raj,” I said. “Actually, I think going with Gretchen is a good idea. If this Sandra’s family is a bunch of polecats, then maybe you can help.”

Bruce Bruce, with what appeared to be a smirk on his bear face, started to say something to Alice, but I held up a finger, silencing him.

“We don’t have time for more arguments. Let’s do this.”

I watched them all file out of the great room, leaving me alone save for a texugo guard who stood silently and unmoving by the entrance.

Dominion Admin> Warning! Your city of Arcanum has been invaded by an opposing faction! (Prince Maghan of the Hobgoblin Riot with 488,281 soldiers.) Your defenders of 1,433 White Jacket soldiers are engaging the enemy.

I sighed. The notifications were a regular thing now. I didn’t need to pull out my map to know where the city of Arcanum was. Denver. The Hobgoblins were cutting a line of death across North America on their march to Harmony. I knew they’d hit Arcanum today. The city had a wall, however, according to Keta, so I expected them to hold out for a couple days at least.

Arcanum, like all the cities in the Dominion, had a tab somewhere deep in my Kingdom Management menu where I could, supposedly, make orders and move defenses around and properly prepare for an invasion. The city’s page was grayed out. The only city I could control was Harmony. If I tried to click on any other city’s management page, I’d receive an error message:

Warning! This City Management page is in beta and is currently unable to be accessed. Please try again later.

“Sorry guys,” I whispered. There was nothing I could do. Later, when the hobgoblins killed all the defenders and the city fell, Arcanum would disappear from my menu.

“Your companions are gone,” Keta said, walking back into the room.

“They are. We’ll give them a few minutes to be on their way, then we’ll go outside and do this,” I said.

“Are you certain? You still wish to do this today, despite what just happened? This is a perilous thing you are asking of me. It is very possible you will be killed. If you die, what will become of the city?”

I paused, considering, weighing my options. “I’m just going to look,” I said finally. “Nothing more. I’ll be in and out.”

What I didn’t add was that I had to get this done now in case we had to flee the city. Leaving the city meant leaving Keta behind, and I couldn’t do this without her.

“Very well, your majesty,” Keta said, bowing. “Meet me on the drawbridge in fifteen minutes.”

I nodded and headed back to my chambers. I needed to get changed.

I didn’t like lying to Gretchen and Popper, but I knew neither of them would approve of this. Or worse, they’d insist on going with me. This was something I had to do on my own.

“Isabella,” I whispered. “I’m coming for you.”

Jonah Note 2

“We can’t do this in the open,” Keta said. “You are the king. People will see, and they will talk.”

We walked the quarter mile from the castle to the abandoned block of buildings. This entire street had been decimated in the blast from the emo-tong’s explosives. We’d asked them for enough of the dynamite to destroy a single building, and the satchel they’d provided ended up being enough to level a whole city block. Raj was lucky to have survived the blast.

I’d decided we weren’t going to rebuild this neighborhood. I knew that many of the NPCs who lived here weren’t going to come back, but I didn’t want to risk somehow allowing Daniels back into the game. If the rogue returned, it would be a disaster.

The inhabitants of Harmony seemed to avoid this block now. We stopped at an abandoned brick pub in the middle of the street. The façade was blackened and crumbling, but the interior of the building had withstood most of the destruction. A sign lay forgotten at the broken entrance, indicating the brothel had once been called “The Mad House.”

I pushed several broken flagons aside and placed my map on the long counter, unfurling it. Beside me, Keta pulled a glowing, yellow Portal scroll from her bag. She also removed a small, gray potion bottle. The liquid fizzed like it was carbonated.

“You are almost finished with this map, no?” Keta asked, running her hand almost reverently over the paper.

I shrugged. I was about as finished as I could be. My cartography skill had stalled out at 11. Each time it ticked up, my mind filled in some of the blanks and I could add to the map. But I was now at the point where I couldn’t see anything new. Instead, I’d been alternating between writing my book and starting new maps. I was currently working on a map of Castle Harmony. Once I ticked up to level 12, I could add more to the world map. I needed to get to the Cartographer guild, but I only knew where one was: in the city of Royston in the country of Crucis, which was this game’s version of England.

“Okay,” Keta said. “Show me exactly where you want to go.”

“Here,” I said, pointing to a small dot.

She peered at the map, frowning. “Are you certain this is where you’ll find her?”

“No,” I said. “It’s why I’m going. I just want to look and see if anything is there.”

It was just a hunch. The odds were good there would be nothing. Gretchen had told me multiple times that the center of Africa was nothing but jungle and beta testing areas for new creatures. There were very few settlements and quests.

“You will have ten minutes. If you are not back, the portal will close, and there is nothing I can do. I will have to rest for several hours after I cast before I can cast again. You do not want to be stuck in that wild place any longer than you have to.”

“Okay,” I said. I touched the hilt of Triple Fang, my three-bladed urumi at my waist. The hilt quivered with excitement. “I’m ready.”

She pushed the bubbling gray vial toward me. “This also lasts ten minutes,” she said. “Powerful magic users or monsters who rely on smell will still be able to detect you.”

I grasped the invisibility potion and popped off the cork with my thumb. I would down it right before I stepped through the portal to Nigeria.

Keta unrolled the Portal scroll and began to chant. I tried to look at the scroll, and a message appeared.

You need a Rune Craft skill of 11 to read this scroll. Your current Rune Craft level is 0.

It took Keta almost a full minute to read the scroll, which I knew was a long time for this game. Just as she read the last line, the scroll burned away in her hands, filling the tavern with the smell of smoke. A glowing, blue doorway, shaped like an almond appeared in the middle of the room. Roiling smoke and flashes of lights obscured the interior of the portal.

“Ten minutes,” Keta said. She bent over, gasping for air.

“Thanks, Keta,” I said. I drank the invisibility potion as I stepped through the magical doorway.

Entering Rafingo.

Achievement unlocked! Travel via portal.

You are invisible!

Achievement unlocked! Become invisible.

I shook my head at the sudden nausea and looked around, trying to gather my bearings. My ears screamed at the unexpected change from near silence to pounding chaos.

I stood in dense, untouched jungle. Thick, curving trees pointed into the sky. A wall of palm fronds, ferns, and long, thin green leaves surrounded me. The temperature was warm, but not as hot as I expected. A driving rain drummed against the leaves, filling the air with the unexpected sound.

A timer appeared in the upper right of my vision, counting down the invisibility potion. The timer, nested just below the timer for the troll quest, would double as the countdown for the portal to close.

Rafingo. Nigeria. But not just anywhere in Nigeria. Middle-of-nowhere Nigeria. I pulled up the minimap, looking to see if anything was here.

In the real world, where I now stood once existed a small village called Akilaiya. I was about 120 miles northeast of Lagos. This place was where Isabella’s mom grew up. At least that’s what she had told me. Half the shit she had said was a lie, but I suspected this part was probably genuine. Isabella had a romanticized view of this place. She claimed she had visited it once as a child. She’d said if the world wasn’t dying, it’s where she’d have lived out her retirement.

I’d only seen pictures of the real version. The place was beautiful, but it was very poor, surrounded by thick jungle. Most of the homes were nothing more than basic shacks. I recalled the map I had drawn of the village for her after our first date. My hands brushed the watch in my pocket. I remembered the compass Isabella had given me.

Had she given gifts to the others? The thought hurt. Why do you care? It was all a lie.

I couldn’t help but wonder how much she’d told me was real. She’d been obsessed with Nigeria, her mother’s homeland. She loved old-school horror movies. She had a digital collection of thousands of them. She had a thing for hauntings and body horror, which always gave me the creeps. The gorier, the better. She’d made me watch the dozen-plus Saw movies and the Hellraiser ones, too. She also loved both classical music and the blues.

All that stuff was real. It had to be. She knew so much about all of them. Where did the real end and the fake begin?

There was nothing here. On the map, I saw no features other than hundreds of pink dots, representing non-aggressive animals, and a few red ones representing either dangerous animals or monsters.

I sighed. She wasn’t here. “Damn you, Waldo,” I muttered. The AI knew where she was. He knew where all the awake players were, but he refused to tell me. Identifying the location of Hospital Corpsman Isabella Farooqi is not conducive to you completing your mission, Waldo had said when I demanded he (it?) tell me where she was. I lifted my middle finger to the sky and flipped the all-seeing AI off.

A few of the red dots were worryingly close. I unfurled Triple Fang from my waist and held the blade ready in my hand. The dexterity boost coursed through me. I mentally clicked off the automatic Enflame enchantment. I didn’t know if my invisibility enchantment obscured the flaming blades or not, and I didn’t want to risk it. I looked about nervously. This weapon was unstoppable in an open area. While I could use, and had been practicing with, it in more cramped quarters, the almost nine-foot length was a detriment in a place like this, surrounded by foliage. The flexible blades could easily slice through most anything save metal and rock, but only once I got them spinning up to full speed.

I took a few steps toward what looked like a game trail snaking through the woods. The minimap helpfully placed a purple waypoint indicating where the portal stood. I wanted to explore a little bit, but not too far. Gretchen and Popper had both mentioned dozens of times this area was for expert-level players only. I trudged through the wet foliage toward the trail, my feet catching on thick vines. Above, I caught glimpse of a pair of white-faced monkeys swinging through the trees. Their dots were pink, so they were no threat.

I broke through onto the trail, and the moment I did, the minimap’s visible area widened a couple hundred meters in every direction.

I stared at the shape of the castle on the map for several moments before I realized what I was looking at.

The structure stood about a quarter of a mile away, due north of my current position, right at the end of this path. A castle? What the hell was a castle doing here in the middle of nowhere? It was probably a dungeon, I decided. I had six minutes left, so I wouldn’t be able to investigate. I walked about twenty feet forward, entering a small clearing, which opened up the map just a bit further.

There, at the edge of my vision, I saw it. Two blue dots just inside the castle. My heart stuttered. Blue dots. Players. Not NPCs. These were two of the 13 players awake in this world.

Holy shit. I was right. I knew it. I fucking knew it. This was her base. She’d somehow built a castle here in the middle of nowhere, a place no sane person would ever look, unless it was someone who knew her well.

The orange dot of a player’s pet rocketed out of the front of the castle, headed right at me. In the distance, even over the pounding of the rain, I could hear the monster’s bellow.

“What the fuck?” I said. How’d it detect me? Whatever it was, it was fast. And big, I realized with horror, looking at the size of the dot on the map. I remembered Sabatina, the hermit crab boat. This thing was bigger, the biggest living thing I’d ever seen. And it was someone’s pet? How was that even possible?

I didn’t want to stick around to find out. I turned to run. I had plans for Isabella and her crew, but now wasn’t the time. I just wanted to find her. I cursed my luck. I hadn’t expected to be discovered.

I stopped dead. Coming up the path were a group of about thirty gazelle-headed humanoids. They trotted up the trail toward the castle, using some sort of stealth magic that camouflaged their presence. It didn’t appear as if they’d noticed me. Their red dots appeared one by one on the map as I noticed them.

Each of the short, furry monsters sported a pair of four-foot horns that arced from their foreheads. Their horns were easily as long as the beasts were tall. They wore hide armor, heaped liberally over their furry shoulders.

Not gazelles. Oryx. I remembered watching a show on the real version of these things. There were lots of different kinds, but most of the earth versions were recently extinct, hunted to death for their horns. The last living example of one of the species had been murdered in a zoo after someone broke through security and shot it, stealing its horns.

These guys held weapons that were nothing more than sticks with what appeared to be lion’s claws affixed to the end. They moved quickly, but they were silent, intent on their purpose.

They were headed for the castle, I realized. On the map, the orange dot would be on all of us in seconds. I had to act now.

Without weighing the pros and cons of announcing my presence, I lit and spun up my blades, rushing toward them. My blades felt encumbered and sluggish as I forced them into their pattern. Leaves and palm fronds from either side of the path exploded as I cut through them. The flaming blades remained invisible, but steam filled the air where the rain fell against the fire, giving the appearance of some sort of mist creature.

The creatures crashed to a stop and bleated with surprise at the sight of invisible death descending upon them. They swung wildly with their claw sticks as I jumped into their midst. Grayed-out notifications started to scroll.

I cried with pain as a claw ripped across my face. A lucky shot, but it hurt bad. My vision flashed red. I pushed through several of the beasts, and I would have stumbled if my dexterity wasn’t so high.

I passed through the back of the platoon of oryx just as quickly as I had charged.

Experience earned! Experience earned!

My blades were a tangled mess. I pulled hard, cutting through another few of the oryx beasts, who continued to bleat and howl with confusion. Several lay dead, and two more appeared to have lost limbs, though they remained on their feet. They looked at each other in confusion, not understanding what had just happened.

Experience earned! Experience earned!

You have gained a level!

You have received a training token.

You are now level 35.

What the hell? I quickly pulled up my messages. I’d barely just made it to level 34.

“Holy crap,” I muttered. Each one of those oryx monsters was worth 2,000 experience each. That was an insane amount of experience for a single monster, and it seemed out of whack with their strength. It had to be because we were in such a dangerous area. Great, how am I going to explain to Gretchen and Popper how I did this?

These are flavorsome nuggets.

Yesss, master. More of these meaty beasts. We need to taste…

My sword’s praise was cut short by the entrance of the dinosaur.

I scrambled away in horror as a goddamned brontosaurus slammed into the path and began to tear the oryx creatures into shreds.

The monster had to be 150 feet long and 30 feet high. This wasn’t a dragon. It was a dinosaur straight out of a Jurassic Park movie, only bigger. The gray beast’s neck, thick like a train car, seemed to last forever. Its massive mouth scooped up the oryx beasts four at a time, cutting them in half.

Behind on the map, I now saw five blue dots rushing forward from the castle. Five. One of them was Isabella. Holy shit. Here she was.

It was time to go.

I now knew what had happened. The pet dinosaur thing hadn’t detected me. It had somehow seen the oryx monsters, and it was coming out to attack them. This was a wild place, not meant to be settled. I imagined the attacks were probably regular, maybe even multiple times a day.

I looked at the roaring monstrosity one more time. It had eaten most of the creatures already, but it seemed to be corralling the remaining. Was it keeping them alive so the other players could kill them? I turned and jogged back toward the portal. I had about a minute left.

I reached the portal, which was flickering ominously. As I jumped through, I wondered if that was what Isabella and her crew did all day. They trained. They killed high-experience monsters. I wasn’t certain how long they’d been in-game, but I knew it had to be as long as Daniels, maybe as long as Smallthunder, who’d been awake for 1,500 years. If that was the case, what the hell level were they by now?

Jonah Note 3

The notification came as I walked back from the druid council tree. They knew of abbot fruit, and they even had seeds that would allow me to grow the vine it grew upon, but I didn’t have time for that. Larus had also struck out with the light clerics, though they would be able to convert the fruit into a salve. Hopefully Popper would have luck with the emo-tong alchemists.

Quest Update: Missing Maps.

Now you’ve discovered the culprits behind the kidnapping, head to Castellane to confront Chief Musa, the hobgoblin warlord at Riot Castle to rescue Sandra the Learnt.

I read the notification twice. Gretchen had done it. She’d discovered where Sandra the Learnt was. I opened up the chat.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Good Job!

Gretchen: Thanks. Bruce Bruce actually cracked the case. The cartographer’s mount was still here at her family’s warren. The grandmother knew nothing, but Bruce Bruce recognized the ostrich mount and started talking to her. She told Bruce Bruce everything she’d seen.

Poppy: Castellane? Are you fucking kidding me? Castle Riot? How the hell are we going to get there? We can’t run the riot with only three people.

Gretchen: I’m headed back now. We’ll talk about it tonight.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Popper, what’s the word with the alchemists?

Poppy: They’re not answering the door to their shop. I came by earlier, and they didn’t answer, so I went through the healer tincture district in the open market asking around about abbot fruit, but nobody has it. Alice and I went down to the docks to talk to some of the traders, but nothing. I’m getting the impression it’s not a very popular or useful fruit. I’m on my way back to the emo-tong now to see if these assholes are awake. Give me two minutes…Wait, what the fuck?

Gretchen: What is it? What’s wrong?

Poppy: They’re gone.

Gretchen: What do you mean gone?

Poppy: I mean they’re fucking gone. Daddy went out to get a pack of cigarettes gone. That creepy-ass black building with the dead chickens and everything has disappeared. The entire storefront has gone *poof.*

His Royal Majesty Jonah: What the hell? What does that mean?

Gretchen: Jonah, look at the royal factions menu and see if anything changed with the emo-tong.

I looked, popping open my menu and clicking over to the search menu and typing “Royal Factions” which was the only way it would allow me to get to the menu. I pulled it up, and it listed the thirteen kingdoms:

The Dominion

The Flounder Empire (merged)

The Hive. Status: Neutral

The Riot. Status: War

Xin Empire. Status: Destroyed

Freeman Realm. Status: War

Moon Kingdom. Status: Peace Treaty

Ravida. Status: Ally Agreement

Star Children. Status: Peace Treaty

The Collective. Status: Neutral

The Iron Mallets. Status: Ally Agreement

Reino do Texugo. Status: Ally Agreement

Orochi Dynasty. Status: Uncontacted

Shit, I thought. I missed something.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: It looks like the Hive moved from “Peace Treaty” to “Neutral.” But I don’t know when that happened. I didn’t get a notification that I saw.

What I didn’t say was I probably did get a notification, but I’d missed it. I now received so many notifications that they’d become almost invisible to me as they scrolled by. After I’d become king, the whole left side of my screen was like a constant news ticker. I had it set to gray almost everything out except anything that had to do with my immediate party members and crucial notifications. I made a mental note to go in there and make some adjustments.

Gretchen: Weird. Something must have happened.

Poppy: Well they were here a couple hours ago. They probably heard about the chasm trolls and decided to bug out, err no pun intended.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Is it all the emo-tong in the city, or just the alchemists?

Poppy: Hang on. I’m rounding the corner… Nope, it’s all of them. That weird food shop for emo-tong is gone also. It looks like the entire race pulled out of the city. It’s kind of bizarre. They took the whole building with them, leaving just an empty spot.

That was something for another time. As long they weren’t planning on invading us also, I didn’t really care what the emo-tong were up to. I clicked on the Notifications menu item and made sure any future faction-related notifications would persist in my view until I clicked them away.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Okay, everybody back to the castle. We’re going to have to do this the hard way.

An hour later, we all met back on the drawbridge. I brought Jenny from the stables, and all six of us: me and Jenny, Popper and Alice, and Gretchen and Bruce Bruce waited as Keta prepared the Portal scroll. I noted she was making a bigger show of it now than she had earlier in the day.

I unfurled my map on the ground.

“Keta,” I said. “Show us where this abbot fruit stuff grows.”

“It is here. It grows on vines that populate the hills here. It is a prevalent fruit in this area, so you should have little difficulty. The only danger comes from small, wild cats, but they are mostly in wooded areas. You will be in the hills. It is of a minor concern, and I see no need for you to be escorted.”

“Where is that?” Popper asked, peering at the map.

“I still get an error message when I try to read it,” Gretchen said.

Gretchen and Popper could look at my map when it was opened, and they could see the outlines and rivers and natural objects. They were unable to read the words written on it. When they tried, they received error notifications similar to what I got when I looked at the Portal scroll.

I bit my lip. “Northern Thailand. It’s a small country called Ban Kao here in the game.”

“I think maybe just me and Popper should go,” Gretchen said. “We don’t know what’s out there, and Popper and I can regenerate if something bad goes down. You can’t.”

“There is little danger here,” Keta said, sounding irritated. “My portal will be open for 10 minutes. You can be in and out.”

“If there’s little danger, then I don’t see why all three of us need to go,” Gretchen said.

“Wait, when did you become level 35?” Popper asked me, looking at me sideways. “What the hell? I’m still stuck on level 19, and the noob here is speeding through like a goddamned power leveler. Didn’t you just hit 34?”

“I…” I began, my mind racing for an excuse that wouldn’t be a blatant lie.

“Raj has saved the day!” Raj cried, racing up onto the drawbridge. I hadn’t even realized the polecat was gone. He wasn’t supposed to be wandering. He held a bag triumphantly in the air. “Raj has found an abbot fruit! He has found you many abbot fruits!” He dropped the bag in front of us, and several small, blue fruits, each about the size of a plum rolled out of the bag.

Popper picked one up and sniffed it. He made a sour face. “All this trouble for one of these? How the hell is this supposed to cure nipple infections?”

“Good job, Raj!” Gretchen said, ruffling the top of the polecat’s head. The boy smiled, showing his gleaming, gap-toothed grin.

“Raj is a good member of the party. Raj wants to go on more adventures and solve more quests! I will get sand from new beaches in new lands! Raj’s favorite thing is to protect people!”

“Where did you find these?” I asked, picking one up to examine it. It had a hard exterior, like a kiwi, but smaller.

“Raj heard you say to look at clerics and druids and alchemists. But this is a fruit. A fruit is a food. Why not look at the food market? Raj go to the market. It is easy to find! Raj paid for the fruit with his own money, like a real man!”

“You are a real man, buddy,” Popper said. “Now we don’t have to go through that portal and get eaten by cats.”

“We still need to make it into a salve, and then we need to actually get to the queen,” Gretchen said dubiously.

I nodded. Keta huffed and gathered up her things, slinking away back into the castle without saying anything else. Gretchen smirked at her as the mage retreated.

“Larus says the light clerics can turn it to the salve for us. It’ll only take them a few moments, and then we’ll be on our way,” I said.

“I was thinking,” Gretchen said, “this is the first real danger we’ve faced since the end of the tournament. Popper and I should go, and you should stay. This is a unique quest. We don’t know what we’re facing. It’ll probably be awful down there in the cave. We will likely die. It’s not safe for you.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but Popper beat me to it.

“Fuck that. Jonah is on nipple-rubbing duty. We’ll make Larissa and a couple white jackets come with us to protect him, and we’ll skedaddle if we have to. But Jonah got us into this mess, and he promised to get us out. We can’t keep babying him. He’s practically indestructible when he’s got his creepy snake swords.” Popper looked at me sideways. “Besides, I think he’s been going out on his own and killing things without us looking.”

 “We don’t have time to waste,” I said, changing the subject as I rolled my map back up and slid it into my pack. “Let’s head to the light clerics and then to the crevice. Maybe somewhere along the way you can tell me what a chasm troll is.”

The street with all the guild halls was only a short walk from the castle, but it felt good to finally be out and about on Jenny’s back. A single drake rider circled overhead, and a phalanx of white jacket soldiers shadowed us on all sides, close enough to jump in if we got into trouble, but far enough away to not get in my way. I didn’t like being shadowed by the soldiers, but I had no way to stop it. The only time they didn’t follow me around was when I went somewhere with Keta. I guess they assumed the half-auric was a powerful enough mage to protect me from just about anything.

Even though Raj had once again saved the day, I admonished the little polecat for wandering off and told him to stay at the castle. He’d done his part for the day. I told him to be ready to flee in case we had to quickly abandon the city.

The people of Harmony stared wide-eyed as we passed. A few opened their mouths to call out, but after a sidelong glance at the massive circle of guards following us, they decided to keep their mouths shut.

I still wasn’t used to being king. It had happened so fast. The tournament. Dying. Meeting and talking to Waldo. Waking up in the king’s bedroom. Gretchen and Popper had been so happy to see me. They’d both been terrified I’d never come back. Popper had cried so much a small forest had sprouted up around him. Raj had grabbed my legs and wouldn’t let go until Gretchen physically peeled him off.

After that it was a whirlwind of learning how to manage the kingdom and the city of Harmony using the multiple menus. Half the buttons didn’t work, and after a quick consultation with Waldo, the AI warned me to use the menus as little as possible. Before, I’d had the ability to crash the game just around myself and my immediate area. Now, if I did something that caused a crash within the kingdom management menu, it was possible the whole game could go down. If that happened, it probably meant all 50,000 of us on The Hibiscus would die as the colony ship bounced off the atmosphere of Arcadia.

But how could I not use the menus? I had to defend Harmony. We had three world events clashing with one another all at once. We had two armies marching on us. The Blasted Doom world event which comprised of the undead fleet that currently sailed on Harmony. The Deunification world event, which was the reason for the hobgoblin army marching on us, and the third, the kidnapping of Sandra the Learnt. We had to deal with all three before we could even think about starting to work on Waldo’s plan to wake up the crew members.

Maybe I can use my $250,000 to bribe my way to victory, I thought bitterly. After I won the tournament, I’d been instructed to find Sonia the game guide at a place called “The Hall of Kings” to get my additional prizes. I’d received the castle and a boatload of experience for killing the king, along with the king’s armor. Because of my class, the only part of the king’s battle armor I could actually wear was the ridiculous helmet. I found Sonia, the ethereal game guide, first thing the next day after I regenerated. The Hall of Kings was located at the bottom floor of a building that I believed to be the Seattle Art Museum in the real world.

The room was filled with statues and biographies of all the kings of the world, not just the Dominion. I’d spent some time examining King Nisava of the Flounder Empire. The statue of the angry-looking human stared back at me with dark, penetrating eyes. There was also a statue of King Bartholomew. The statue was, oddly, covered in blood that appeared to be fresh. I assumed that was some sort of weird tradition involving the recent death of a king. 

I asked for my prizes, and Sonia smiled and congratulated me. She handed me the Dominion crown, a gold and white, unenchanted circlet that was too small for my head, and she told me I had won the contest, which apparently would have been a big deal had the game not been shut down. The grand prize? A quarter of a million real-life dollars.

$250,000. Had I been back on earth, that would’ve seemed like all the money in the world. Now it was less than useless. Sonia also informed me the president of Bart Hughes Games wanted to personally lev me to Seattle where I would receive my reward during a press event that would also serve as a coronation.

Popper thought it was hilarious. Or at least he pretended he thought it was funny. Later it became clear he was pissed he and Gretchen hadn’t received anything from winning the tournament. They’d both died, so they didn’t get the experience Alice and I had received from killing the king. Popper hadn’t even gained experience for killing Keta with his Self-Destruct spell. Technically they won the quest, even though they were dead, but the quest didn’t have any prizes except the ones I’d received.

So we were left with a castle, two armies marching on us, a quest to find the missing cartographer, and no way to handle any of it.

We all trained our fighting skills at least an hour a day. It was Gretchen’s idea, and I immediately approved.

I watched Alice huff as she walked, little Popper riding on the back. Popper practiced standing on the back of the hippocorn as she walked. He and the mount spent their daily training hour out in the yard practicing new tricks.

Popper was only level 19, but when I examined the properties of Alice, I could see she had enough experience in reserve to level up to 24. Pets couldn’t be a higher level than their masters. As a result, she’d still accrue experience, but she wouldn’t actually get to the next level until Popper did. As a result, she was currently stuck at level 19 also.

Gretchen was now level 26. She was growing faster than any of us, and the only reason I was higher than her was because of my success with the tournament and blind luck in some of our earlier adventures. Gretchen was indeed the best player of the three of us. She spent her free time practicing with her spear and her bow. In addition, she would go to the northern edge of the city where the crews were expanding the wall and would spend her day killing snakeheads that tried to sneak up on the arrowed workers.

I spent my training time practicing with my urumi blades in different environments. If we were outside or in an open area, and I had warning, I had little doubt I could easily defeat most every regular monster in this game. But I worried about getting trapped in close quarters with the blades, and I spent my days down in the empty dungeons of Castle Harmony whipping my blades about and around tight corners, killing rats and massive cockroaches, much to the dismay of my three blades, who loudly voiced their displeasure every time I killed a rodent or bug.

My weapons weren’t meant for this type of fighting, and it was awkward to make it work, but I knew with my skill being this high, it was still my best bet.

Other than the oryx creatures I had killed earlier today, I hadn’t had a real fight since the tournament. The only reason I’d leveled up a few times at all was because of a few minor city-building quests that had popped up regarding the walls. I still hadn’t gotten around to fishing, despite living on the edge of the ocean. My fly pole from Icardi sat unused in my pack. I promised myself once everything calmed and was resolved, I’d pull it out and see what sort of fish a level 65 master fly fisher could catch.

The light cleric guild was an oddity. The white, yellow, blue, and green-colored building was shaped like a massive temple. Multiple onion-shaped domes circled the tall structure, reminding me of Saint Basil’s Cathedral in Moscow. Each multi-colored dome represented the relationship of a particular god or goddess to the others, all surrounding a central dome, which represented Dak, the great mother to the new gods and daughter of the primordials. But as Gretchen explained, the light cleric guild was not a church, but more of a seminary. It was a place for all the different light clerics to learn their basic skills. They would then go off to the main church of their religion for more specialized training. As a result, this guild hadn’t been turned by Smallthunder’s scheme to convert all the churches in the world to churches of Tharon.

“Okay, be extra careful,” Gretchen said. “They’re going to try to pile some quests on us. We only have two spaces left.”

Indeed, our ten quest spots—not including compulsory and world quests—had been filling up regularly with city-building quests I had no control over. Gretchen and Popper received them, but they didn’t receive any experience at all unless they actually participated in the action required. Normally party members shared at least a nominal amount of experience from completing quests, but that wasn’t the case when it came to either city or kingdom quests. Most of the quests were things like, The White Jacket Lookout Tower in Georgetown Needs a New Roof. Get it Fixed. I would dispatch crews, and it would get taken care of in a couple hours, but it was still a pain. It was a constant source of Popper bitching at me.

The light clerics had sent multiple envoys to the castle in the past few weeks to beseech me to lead a campaign to start winning back temples for their various deities. This was something else I needed to do, but I also didn’t want to have to fight another battle on another front. Smallthunder was still a wildcard in all of this, and I didn’t want to start poking at him when he was likely the most powerful person in the game. We’d all decided that we’d wait until my curse was finally done—only 601 more days—before we even thought about dealing with him.

I was of the mind that if we could pull this whole train-the-crew scheme off without involving him at all, that would be great. I doubted it would be possible.

An elderly, auric priest wearing a robe with a blue fringe greeted us at the door. The blue indicated he was a priest of Chase, the god of understanding and knowledge.

“Your majesty,” the priest said, bowing his head. “We’ve been expecting you. I understand you need a certain magical salve?”

“Yes,” I said, trying to keep my voice as formal as possible. I handed the priest the bag of abbot fruit. “And we need it right away. The city is in grave danger, and every delay is putting more people at risk.”

The priest nodded. “We have already discussed your need, and we have decided to help you with this great task. But our help does not come without a request.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Popper said. “All we need you to do is squash some of these fruits and turn them into a lotion. It’ll take you two minutes.”

The auric raised a thin eyebrow at Popper. “An abbot fruit salve is a very difficult thing to mix properly. It is only used for one thing as far as we are aware, and as such, not many in the world know how to do it. In exchange for this challenging, arcane service we have but a simple, humble request of our king and our kingdom, as citizens of your great domain.”

I needed a delicate answer, and I had to choose my words carefully. I opened my mouth to speak.

“We just need to slather it on a troll’s nipples,” Popper said, cutting me off. “No need to get all mystical on us. Whip us up a bucket of this shit, and make it snappy. And none of this bribery bullshit, either. We know you want your temples turned back. We’re on it. But don’t pretend like this troll business is none of your concern. That crevice is barely a mile from here, and you know what those chasm troll larvae can do. You light clerics are just as crunchy on the inside as the rest of us.”

Ten minutes later, we had a round container filled with a blue lotion. I was dubious that the small container would be enough, but the moment the cleric handed me the jar, the quest updated.

Now that you’ve obtained the salve, proceed to the chasm troll lair and minister to the queen mother.

Gretchen grumbled about Popper being too quick with his mouth. But it had worked, and that’s all that mattered. One of these days his mouth was going to get us into trouble, but he’d said the right thing this time.

One thing did concern me as the auric cleric handed us the container.

“I do not know why you require these for the troll menace, but I wish you luck. The numinous are not so easily healed or contained. Very little is known about that class of creature.”

“What did the cleric mean by that?” I asked as we rode toward the crevice. “What does ‘numinous’ mean?”

“I didn’t understand half the things coming out of that asshole’s mouth,” Popper said.

“Yeah, he sucked,” Alice agreed.

“I don’t know what it means,” Gretchen said. “I’ve heard it before, but I don’t remember where.”

“Numinous,” I repeated as we marched. I wished I had time to go ask Waldo. We marched the rest of the way in silence, a dark, foreboding feeling falling over me.

Jonah Note 4

“So,” Popper said as we approached the crevice from the south. “You gonna put all this shit in your book?”

“No,” I said. “I’m just about done. I’m writing up until the tournament, and then stopping. I need to get it out. Both of you should be working on your stuff also. Maybe you can write about this quest.”

Popper grunted. “I ain’t got time for writing. I didn’t do it in high school, and I’m not doing it now.”

“Popper,” I said. “Come on. We talked about this.”

A few weeks ago, when I first saw the notification, I knew what I had to do. I’d purchased several blank tomes and a handful of magic, neverending pens, and I handed them out to Gretchen and Popper during breakfast.

“Write,” I said. “I don’t care if it’s a diary, Sonic the Hedgehog erotica, or a manual on how to neuter a walrus. Write every day, at least an hour, but more if you can.”

“What the hell do I look like?” Popper had asked. He looked at the blank book and pen like I’d just handed him a turd on a stick. “A fucking writer? Am I going to have to wear a beret too?”

“A beret? What are you talking about?” Gretchen said. The tall, dark-haired woman picked up the blank book and tested its weight. “What’s up, Jonah? Why?”

“I’ve been writing that book,” I said. “I’ve already gone up to intermediate level in multiple skills. Storytelling. Penmanship. Concentration. But most importantly, I’ve leveled up in both Reading and Writing. Once we hit 11 in Reading, we can start reading basic scrolls. Once we have 11 in both Reading and Writing, the help menu says we can start training in Rune Craft.”

“The longest thing I’ve ever written is a group of dirty limericks I sent off to Juliette when I was first seeing her,” Popper said. “I ain’t no damn writer.”

“Become one,” I said, trying not to allow the frustration to show in my voice. “I don’t know how long before we can figure out this Sandra the Learnt thing. Until then, we need to train up the ability to read and write scrolls. If we all get a Rune Craft skill of 11, we can start reading Portal and some of the other good scrolls.”

“I can cast Portal,” Alice said. The hippocorn sat with Raj at the back of the large room munching happily on a pile of rats she had hunted in the basement. She’d skewered several of them on her horn like a kebab and brought them up into Castle Harmony’s great room so she could eat them in front of the fire. The hippocorn had trained the young polecat to remove the dead rats from her horn, and the kid did it with enthusiasm. Each bite crunched loudly. “I just need to level up.”

“Yeah,” Popper said. “Alice is my Portal.”

The hippocorn would gain the ability to cast Portal when she hit level 30.

“It’s not just Portal,” I said. The magic armory at Castle Harmony held a collection of magic scrolls, and currently only Keta could read any of them. That made me nervous. I didn’t like putting too much faith into the hands of NPCs.

“It’s a good idea,” Gretchen said, putting the book in her pack. “I’ll start tonight.” She turned to Popper and gave him a look. “We’ll both start tonight.”

“Can Raj have a book?” Raj said, coming up to us. Blood from the rats dripped off his furry hands. “Raj will write a book like King Jonah! I am collecting sand and shells and rocks. I will write a book about seashells!”

“Do you even know how to read?” Popper asked.

Raj seemed offended at the question. “Raj can read! Raj knows his letters!”

I exchanged a look with Gretchen, who shrugged. I tossed the little polecat a book and pen. He snatched it away and immediately started scribbling furiously in the book, covering the page with red pawprints. “Raj is a writer!”

“We’ll need to get you a beret, kid,” Popper said.

* * *

The fissure had eaten a good portion of what had been the Fremont neighborhood of the real-life Seattle. The crack was about a quarter-mile long and a good fifteen feet across, making it look like a sinister grin. This neighborhood was generally filled with non-humans. Dwarves, half-ogres, and lumbering rock creatures—called astounds—mostly lived here. Gretchen said that astounds were playable characters in the very early versions of the game, but they’d been phased out when DoB was ported to full VR. Gretchen said people used to call them “rock eaters” after some character in an old movie from the 1980’s.

“Yep,” Popper said, examining the opening. “That’s a chasm troll hole all right. You don’t see ‘em too much in this part of the world, and that’s a pretty big one, but I’ve seen it hundreds of times. They usually pop up in the middle of dungeons.”

“So, what exactly is a chasm troll?” I asked.

“Okay, so do you know what a troll is?” Popper asked.

“Well, I mean, I guess,” I said. “They’re like gnomes, right?”

Popper sighed heavily. “Yeah, sort of. Only they’re seven feet tall instead of a foot tall. And they’re lanky and deadly and dumb instead of round and harmless and smart.”

“Gnomes are not harmless,” I said.

“Trolls are much different than gnomes,” Gretchen said. “They’re taller than humans, but shorter than half-ogres. About the size of hobgoblins. They’re yellow and hairy. They tend to fight with bashing weapons, like giant clubs. Normal trolls are mid-level monsters. You need to be about level 11 to take one down.”

“Okay then,” I said. “That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“But these aren’t normal trolls,” Gretchen said. “These are chasm trolls. There are many types, and they’re not the worst kind, but the chasm ones are more dangerous than regular plain, old trolls. First off, they have six arms instead of two. They’re not bigger, not like mountain trolls, but they’re very fast. They’re blind, like cave trolls are, and they have an echolocation skill that makes them able to see no matter if it’s dark or light.”

“And don’t forget the most important part about trolls,” Popper said.

“I’m getting to it,” Gretchen said.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“All trolls have a special ability,” Popper said, interrupting. “They can regenerate. They heal super-fast, so when you attack one, you gotta take it down quick. Just smacking it around and turning to the next one is a bad idea. You gotta make sure it’s dead. Their blood can be used as a nasty-tasting healing potion.”

“Got it,” I said, “So what’s up with the troll larvae?”

Popper visibly shuddered. “They’re worse than the full-grown ones because there’s usually a lot more of them. Imagine a little yellow baby, right? Like a fat one, about the size of a Thanksgiving turkey. Okay? Now give it spider legs, a mouth full of gleaming teeth, and a scorpion tail.”

“Jesus,” I said.

Popper nodded. “Yeah, they’re scary little fuckers. They’re fast, and there’s always a ton of them. Real trolls don’t have scorpion tales, but the damn babies do. I guess they fall off as they get older. Anyway, you don’t see the larvae too much. The ground rips open, and usually the normal chasm trolls come out. You fight and kill them, and that’s that. Sometimes, though, the babies come out after you kill the adults. It’s the worst. Dozens of the spider baby turkey scorpion things pour out, and they eat everything in sight, like a damn swarm of locusts, crawling on the walls and dropping from the ceiling. They bite and sting. I don’t think they’re poisonous, but it don’t matter. The stinger is as big as a dagger.”

“Venomous,” Gretchen corrected. “Not poisonous.”

Popper rolled his eyes. “They’re pretty awful to fight, especially if you’re somewhere where you can get surrounded. You need a flamethrower for that shit.”

“What about the mom?”

Popper shrugged. “I think that’s something new. I’ve never even heard of a troll queen mother before. All I know is that you promised I don’t have to be the one on lotion duty.”

My mind raced. “So if we get these things to fight for us, it would be pretty awesome,” I said.

“That’s a big if there, buddy,” Popper said.

“If we pull this off, we probably won’t be given larvae. We’ll be given a regiment of full-grown chasm warrior trolls,” Gretchen said. “They’re probably good hand-to-hand warriors, but odds are they won’t be nearly enough. We need more ranged monsters and flying monsters to beat the hobgoblins back. But don’t you go back into that menu and try to woo some other monsters. Crashing the game isn’t worth it.”

She was right, of course. Gretchen was usually right about this sort of thing.

Still…I thought of all the other monsters listed in that tempting menu. I couldn’t help it.

First things first, I thought. We need to get the trolls on our team.

Captain Larissa approached as we neared the defensive picket around the jagged crevice.

“There’s been no visible activity around the exit to the breach,” Larissa said. “I have assembled a platoon of white jackets and a century of volunteer citizens. We stand ready to assault the troll infestation on your order.”

I looked over to see a ragtag group of “volunteer” citizens huddled together at the edge of the hastily-built military encampment. These were shopkeepers and tradesmen from the city, all with a single chevron over their head. They’d been previously recruited to help defend against the inevitable invasion, and Larissa’s soldiers had been running drills with them to up their skills.

These civilians, all listed as commoners after a cursory glance, didn’t appear trained at all. The mostly-human, dwarf, and pollywog group appeared to be downright terrified.

I had access to a war party menu where I could see the stats of each arrowed individual. I could promote and demote members and issue remote orders. I’d spent hours looking over all the options, but I hadn’t yet had the opportunity to use the war menu during a real fight.

I felt terrible, looking over this group, but what could I do? I needed these soldiers, and the more training they received, the better.

“Stand down for now,” I said. “Gretchen, Popper, and I are going in to see what’s down there. We’ll take a few of your white jacket soldiers as protection, but I am hoping we don’t have to use all these commoners.”

“Your majesty,” Larissa said. I could tell the large woman was doing her best to keep the mix of exasperation and horror out of her voice, “that is…that is an exceedingly bad idea.”

“Maybe so,” I said. “But it’s still what’s going to happen.”

“Your majesty,” Larissa repeated. “At least let me summon Keta. I will also accompany you to keep you safe.”

“We don’t need Keta,” Popper said. “This is something we gotta do on our own. You can come, but if we get attacked, don’t just kill everything. Let us do the killing.” He looked at me sideways. “We already got one experience hog in the party. We don’t need another. Keep us safe as we approach the troll queen, but that’s it.”

Larissa looked at me incredulously, but I nodded my approval.

“We’re going to get geared up,” I said, slipping off Jenny. “Gather your best fighters.”

Larissa stiffly turned and started barking orders as we started rummaging through our packs for our battle gear.

“Do I get to wear my battle armor?” Alice said, hopping up and down on her front legs. “Oh, I love wearing it so.”

Gretchen and I exchanged a look as Popper eyed the crevice dubiously.

“Alice,” he said as he pulled his beetle breastplate out of his bigger-on-the-inside pack. “You know I don’t just carry that stuff around with me. It doesn’t fit in my pack. Besides, we are going down into that crevice. You see right there at the end? That’s where we’re going in. It’s like a thin staircase. I want you to come, really I do, but it just isn’t going to happen. Not this time.”

“What?” she said, looking back and forth between the fissure and Popper. “But I’m part of the team.”

“You are part of the team. You’re the best part of the team. But you’re not going to fit.”

Bruce Bruce stood up on two legs after Gretchen dismounted, something I’d never seen him do before. The bear was on the smaller side as far as bears went, but he was still taller than me. “I can fit. I am not nearly as wide, and I shall accompany the party into battle,” Bruce Bruce declared. “Do not worry, Alice. I shall fight with valor and strength, and your presence will not be needed.”

“You are staying up here, too,” Gretchen said. “You can only walk on those two legs for a few steps before you fall over, and I don’t want you going down there. If you get killed, I’m not so sure I’ll ever see you again.”

Mounts didn’t regenerate immediately after death like pets did, but it didn’t stop Bruce Bruce from complaining loudly. His complaints joined Alice’s as both the animals tried to convince us to bring them along.

Popper gave Gretchen a nod of gratitude.

I leaned in and whispered in Alice’s ear. “You need to protect Jenny for me. If those things come out, you need to get her safely back to the castle. I wouldn’t trust Bruce Bruce to do that.”

“Okay,” she sniffed. She looked up. “Stay with me, Jenny.”

My donkey snorted, but dutifully took a few steps toward Alice.

I already wore my leather armor, but I also pulled on my royal helmet. The garish and ornate parade-style helmet fit perfectly on my head. The magical helm had been owned by King Bartholomew, and the top of the helm featured the logo for Dominion of Blades: a silver figure of a dragon. It imbued me with a speed enchantment and a +10 skill in both the longbow and the war scythe, neither of which were weapons I regularly used, though I did want to start practicing more with the bow. My regular bow skill was nine, thanks to my hunter class, bumping me up to 19 when I wore the ridiculous helmet. Gretchen was at level 18 normally, and I’d originally been inclined to give her the helmet, which would put her at mastery level with the bow. However, when I tried to hand her the helmet, a message popped up:

Warning! Voluntarily transferring this helmet to another player transfers the rights and titles of the Dominion Crown to that player. In doing so, you will lose your title as king.

I’d almost done it anyway. Just almost. I told Gretchen that, and she’d been horrified.

“Keep that thing away from me,” she’d said. “I don’t want it. I won’t ever want it.”

I only wore the helmet when speed was absolutely necessary. I felt ridiculous in the thing, and most of the time, it remained in my bag. That made me nervous at first, but Gretchen told me it was marked unlootable. I wouldn’t lose it automatically if I died. Only if I was killed in a fight specifically designated as one for the ownership of the Dominion.

I sheathed my four-bladed, left-hand urumi around my waist and added Triple Fang back into the main position. I checked the slots of my potion bandolier, and I had the standard array: healing, mystic point restoration, antidote, and several other protection and healing potions. I also now carried a silver invisibility potion. I’d made Keta give me three of them after my adventure earlier in the day. She’d complained at the expense, but I handed one each to Gretchen and Popper, explaining what the potions were and that I’d gotten them from Keta.

“These are expensive as shit,” Popper said, holding the potion up to the light. “It must be good to be king.”

Once I’d hit level 30, I’d been able to add a third accessory slot. In addition to my watch—Hubrid’s Silver Watch of Horology, which added +3 to my dexterity and +1 to my magic ability—I wore a ring that allowed me to cast three Magic Protection shells a day. I also wore my newest addition, something that would probably be useless here: a pendant of Detect Undead. Popper had found and bought it for me. It let me know if any hidden undead were nearby. It marked them with a red circle on my minimap. Supposedly, once we finished Missing Maps, the Sandra the Learnt quest, I’d be able to call up a full-screen map, and I’d be able to see any undead within five square kilometers.

My curse already extended past that range. Currently I would summon any undead within a six and a half kilometer circle around me. But I felt much better wearing the pendant.

Next to me, Gretchen was also preparing her gear. She’d replaced her spear with a magical one with a lightning enchantment. She could smash the ground, and everything around her would be given a jolt. She didn’t like wearing gear on her head, but she wore a red leather jerkin that protected her against Fear spells. She’d fallen victim to the spell during our last battle, and she didn’t want that to happen again. She only had two accessory slots, and she wore her watch and a second ring of magic protection, identical to the one I wore. She had purchased both rings at great expense to help us win the tournament battle against the king.

Popper’s famous one-horned helmet had been destroyed in the tournament battle, but he’d somehow found himself another one just like it. The look was part of his “trademark,” as he called it. This one had a Feather Fall enchantment. He needed it, as he was constantly falling off Alice’s back as they trained. He’d sold his watch to pay for his armor and to bribe the emo-tong into letting us transport Raj to the city, but he’d found a new magical item: a necklace called Brandi’s Tear. It could only be worn by juvenile females and gave him +1 to his magic ability and +1 to his strength.

Popper complained that his beetle armor itched, so he only wore it when he absolutely had to. He pulled it on now. The armor, like my helmet, had a speed enhancement. It also reflected physical damage back to the attacker. He held FUD at the ready, his magical, Popper-sized battle axe. The axe’s Final Breath enchantment allowed him to complete one last action upon death.

“Would you look at us,” Popper said. “All geared up and ready to go into battle, just like the old days.”

“The ‘old days’ were just a couple weeks ago,” I said.

“Yeah, but it feels like it's been much longer,” he said. “Let’s roll.”

Jonah Note 5

Larissa wanted to surround us with 50 soldiers, but I made her choose six, plus herself, giving us a party of ten. They were to hold back and grab me if things went south. She voiced her displeasure multiple times until I had to order her to shut up.

We approached the fissure on the east end, where the scouts reported a crude walkway led into the depths. We had ropes just in case we needed to climb, but they weren’t necessary yet. Gretchen and Popper both held torches as we stepped into the muddy, dark cold.

“So, I was thinking,” Gretchen whispered as we cautiously crept down into the hole. “The point of this quest is to get the queen mother on our good side, right? Maybe we should avoid killing any of her children. Try to get to her without hurting any of the baby larvae.”

“Now, you come up with this,” Popper hissed. “How the hell are we going to do that?”

“Shit, I think you’re right,” I said. “Maybe we can use the invisibility potions?”

“Echolocation, remember?” Gretchen said. “They’re already blind. The potions won’t work.”

Twenty meters in, and the walls got tighter around us. I looked around nervously at the unsteady-looking rock and dirt walls. It felt as if the whole thing could collapse on us at any moment. There was no way either Alice or Bruce Bruce would ever fit in here. We had to walk single file. Gretchen took the lead, then me, then Popper. If I ever got a pet, I decided, I’d get something small. That way I could keep Jenny as a mount and still have something to fight by my side. Maybe I’d get a bird, like that lightning-shooting parrot that one jeweler in Constance had. Or one of those acid-spewing chinchillas.

“I’m not claustrophobic,” Popper whispered, his voice wavering. “I’m not scared of tight spaces. I’m not claustrophobic. I’m not claustrophobic.”

A small, round hole, leading to a dark tunnel, appeared half-buried near the bottom of the otherwise featureless fissure. The hole was large enough for Popper to walk through, but Gretchen and I had to stoop. Larissa called for us to wait. She had to remove the shoulder pauldrons off her massive armor for her to fit. Once inside, however, the dank passageway grew larger.

We stepped out of the tunnel into a room. A sudden, piercing light filled our vision, so bright it was painful. Red flashed, indicating I was taking damage. We shielded our eyes at the prismatic assault. Only after a moment did I realize what it was. Hundreds of crystals grew from the ceiling and floor, like the room was filled with teeth. Each crystal was about the size of a person, and it reflected off the torches in Popper and Gretchen’s hands.

“Put the torches out,” I said. I clenched my eyes shut, but I continued to take a small amount of damage. “Do it now.”

The white jackets behind us also extinguished their torches, and we were suddenly plunged into absolute darkness. The damage didn’t appear to be too serious, but my eyes stung. I only knew I wasn’t blind because I could see the faint outline of Gretchen’s spear and Popper’s axe.

“What are those things?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Gretchen said. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Larissa clanged as she gingerly walked up behind us.

“This is a field of charge crystals, your majesty. The biggest I’ve ever seen. Even the smallest amount of fire or sunlight sets them off. They magnify light a hundredfold. I do not know how we can pass without destroying them, and they are difficult to harvest. They look as if they are glass, but they are not. They are hard like diamonds. This is a fortune of crystal. Weaponsmiths and jewelers and miners from around the kingdom will vie for the opportunity to harvest these.”

“Well, shit,” Popper said. “We can’t use light because it’ll blind us, but we can’t see shit, either. What do we do?”

“I didn’t notice how big this room was,” I said, “but I have the impression it’s big. The glow from our enchanted weapons doesn’t seem to set them off.”

“Hmm,” Gretchen said. “We need an infrared or an echolocation skill to get through this. We can try just to feel our way through, but I wouldn’t recommend it. It might be really dangerous.”

“Do you think the fire from my blades will set them off?” I asked.

“Let’s try it, but shut it off quick if they start to glow,” Gretchen said.

I unfurled Triple Fang from my waist, letting the blades fall to the ground. The Enflame enchantment activated, and for a solid second, the entire room glowed, bathed in a soft light. The room exploded in light, the hundreds of crystals humming as they activated. I instinctively switched off the flames, but not before I saw the terror descending upon us.

“Get back,” I yelled.

“Holy fuckballs!” Popper cried at the same time.

In that briefest of moments, I saw them. There were at least five of them, but there could be more. Hidden amongst the tall crystals they lurked: conical beasts with a large, single, milky-white eye and a massive, fanged mouth. They didn’t appear to have legs, but they each had at least six, maybe more, tentacles, and they pulled themselves toward us. Each tentacle was as long as my urumi blades, and the fleshy, green, cone-shaped beasts were each about eight feet tall.

My companions were on either side of me, and Larissa was just behind me. I had to attack, attack now, but I had to make sure I didn’t hit any of my companions.

I whipped up my blade, pulling hard to give them as much momentum as I could force into a single, forward wave. I felt the three blades quiver as they found flesh.

The monster squealed as it dropped dead. Notifications started to fly by on my screen.

This is an unholy creature. A foul hunter of the numinous.

Yessss, a beast from another plane of existence.

This flesh transcends, master. More, please more.

I didn’t have time to parse what my sword just said, but it seemed important.

“What the hell are those things?” Popper asked.

“I don’t….ahhhh,” Gretchen called, crying out in pain.

I flicked my Enflame enchantment, causing it to flash like a camera bulb, and I had the briefest glimpse of Gretchen entangled in three tentacles, with one of those beasts pulling her towards its mouth. Its mouth was half the size of its body, easily big enough to swallow her whole. I flipped my blades, cutting the tentacles away. The beast squealed as Gretchen thudded to the floor.

“Keep strobing that light,” Larissa boomed, bounding into action. “Soldiers, on me!”

She pushed past us, swords and maces flashing in the quick pulses of light.

“No,” Popper cried. “She’s stealing our experience!”

Gretchen rose to her knees, gasping for air. I flashed my blades. Ahead, blood and white jacket limbs hurdled through the air, mixed in with the otherworldly squeal from the monsters.

“Fuck this, I’m getting some experience,” Popper said, rushing forward, screaming into the fray.

“I could see it,” Gretchen said. “I could see her insides, mixed with the outsides, all screaming and melting. I could taste the forever on her lips. Jason was her brother. All of them, even little Peyton. They bled for me, didn’t they? I’m a butcher. I killed her, I did. I’m not sorry. The color purple smells like lollipops and grape soda.”

“What the fuck?” I said, looking down at Gretchen as she gibbered. “Gretchen!”

Then, I saw it in the brief flash of light. By her name was an effect notification: Insane, followed by a timer that read two minutes and 43 seconds.

Shit. The monsters’ tentacles must cast Insanity on you. Gretchen had once described the spell to me, stating it made your head swim, disorienting you, and that your avatar would spout random things, samples from your stream of consciousness.

“Popper,” I yelled. “Be careful. Gretchen has insanity.”

Popper flew through the air, axe upraised as he threw himself at one of the monsters. Another flash, and he was continuing to hack, blood spraying like he was playing in a sprinkler, the crystals around him painted red.

“Talk her down,” Popper yelled. “It’s just like a bad trip. It won’t last long. Keep her on the ground.”

It appeared only Larissa and two other white jackets remained as they and Popper hacked at the last of the tentacle beasts. The room was huge, bigger even than I thought, so big that my light didn’t carry all the way to the other side, so there could be more of them deeper in.

“I felt bad for Snickers. The cat. She cared more about him than Peyton. They wouldn’t let me adopt. That bitch with the Unity pin. Fuck those pins. Fuck that bitch. RC Cola is good but the diet is shit.”

“Tell me about the cat,” I said, kneeling down next to Gretchen. I put my hand on her shoulder. She quivered, and she felt unnaturally tense, like an aluminum can about to burst from being shaken too much. We still had a minute to go before the insanity would wear off.

Larissa, Popper, and two white jackets stood around a third white jacket, who appeared to be alive, but also suffering from the insanity. The man was sobbing uncontrollably.

“Cat? Pussy? I’ll tell you about my pussy. I was nine years old. The first in my grade. My mom was mortified. I don’t know what happened to Snickers. Sometimes I took pictures of dead things. Baby skunks, all in a row. They’d been run over by a truck. Didn’t smell, but their mom was there, watching from the side of the road. She made a sad noise. He was bad, a bad kitty.”

 “It’s okay,” I said. I continued to strobe the light, off and on, off and on. Nothing else seemed to be on the minimap, and I couldn’t see anything.

The timer ticked down to zero, and the notification went away, but Gretchen remained motionless for several moments. It took me a moment to realize she was crying.

“Hey,” I said. “It’s okay. It’s over.”

She looked up at me, her face wet. I watched her attempt to regain her composure. Of the three of us, she played her cards closest to her chest. I didn’t know which of those things was true and how much of it was just nonsense, but at least one of those names—Jason—was someone she’d mentioned before. It was the first time I’d heard that other name, Peyton. I assumed Snickers was a cat. I wasn’t going to ask, especially not now.

“It’s okay,” I repeated. “I think we got them.”

She pulled herself to her feet as Popper came strolling back, a swagger to his step. He was soaked head to toe in blood and gore. “Level 20, bitches,” he said. “You know what that means? Alice is now level 20, too! She can cast Heal now!”

“Good job,” Gretchen said, with only the slightest quaver in her voice. I watched her take a deep breath, and then I could see the composure fully take hold. “Jonah, keep up with the flashing. We gotta keep an eye out for more of these things. I’ve never seen them before. They’re not too strong, but they’re big, and that insanity skill is a real kicker.”

Captain Larissa and her three soldiers came trotting back. I couldn’t even tell which one had been afflicted.

“We must turn back,” she said. “I lost three soldiers. This is much too dangerous, your majesty. I cannot guarantee your safety past this point.”

“We had it under control, and you assholes just ran in. It’s no wonder you got all chopped up,” Popper said. “We had them right where we wanted them.”

Larissa glared and was about to say something before I cut her off.

“We continue. If you want, send one of your soldiers back to summon more white jackets, but we’re not waiting.”

“You can actually summon them yourself, I think,” Gretchen said. “You gotta use the War Events menu. I’ve never been a high enough rank to actually do it, so I’m not certain how it works.”

“I’d do it myself if you made me a general,” Popper muttered. “Just don’t summon too many. These assholes are too trigger happy.”

When I’d received access to the War Events menu, one of the first things I discovered was I had the ability to arrow people. That is, recruit them as conscripts in the army to defend the city. The system gave me the ability to arrow pretty much any NPC I came across, though we quickly learned if you arrowed too many people too quickly, the entire area would descend into a panic, and people would start to flee the city. It is what had happened in Valisa when they started arrowing people to defend against the burning fleet.

So instead, I’d arrowed a few people in each neighborhood of Harmony, promoted them to sergeant, which gave them the ability to arrow more people. I’d given them strict instructions to arrow a set number of people each day. Furthermore, I had white jacket scouts doing the same in villages all over Aberdeen. I’d even tried sending them further, to the nearby country of Crediton—the area of Canada around Vancouver—but it didn’t work. The same glitch that kept me from controlling other cities also disallowed me from controlling the white jackets outside of Aberdeen.

I could also promote people to much higher ranks. I had the ability to arrow both Popper and Gretchen and promote them to general, which would give them access to the War Events menu and almost all the same powers I had. But I refused to do it, much to Popper’s dismay. We’d argued about it for almost two days straight.

I feared that if I did arrow them, I wouldn’t be able to un-arrow them in case we had to flee the city. The War Events menu is always tied to a specific quest or event. In this case, the menu was tied to two events: the impending invasion of Harmony by the Hobgoblin Riot and the looming threat of the burning fleet. Being arrowed was the same as granting a compulsory quest. Once granted, a person wouldn’t be allowed to leave the area until the event was done.

I popped open the menu now and found a list of quick action items, and one of them read Summon Reinforcements to Your Location. I clicked on it, and several menu items popped up. Most of them were grayed out. I had the ability to summon all 125,000 arrowed citizens to this place. I also had the ability to summon reinforcements from the closest white jacket camp, which was only 200 meters away. I assumed that was the temporary one from outside the crevice. I chose that and picked six more soldiers to come.

“I did it,” I said. “Six more soldiers.”

“Very well,” Larissa said. “But we must wait, or they won’t be able to reach us if we pass through this crystal field without them.”

It only took a few minutes for the six soldiers to arrive, all identical to the last guys. Their eyes boggled at the strobe-light of carnage.

“Let’s move,” Popper said. “Enough of this waiting.”

We continued, much more cautiously. I placed a hand on one of the crystals as we passed, and it felt warm to the touch. It hummed every time I turned on my light, but I switched it off before it could burst into utter brilliance. I tried to imagine what a sword made out of this stuff might be like. If it reflected all the light back at this rate, it would probably be more trouble than it was worth.

In order to keep the light on, I had to keep Triple Fang unfurled. They hovered inches off the ground, but they bounced off the uneven cavern floor, skittering and scraping as we walked. After a few minutes, my blades started bitching at me about being treated in such a fashion. I did my best to ignore them. I remembered what they’d said about the monsters we’d just fought.

“My blades said those monsters were from another plane,” I said.

Gretchen nodded. “I’m not surprised. There are multiple planes in this game, and loads of quests involve monsters from other ones. You can only really play in the main world, this one, but there are quests and locations in several others you can visit.”

I knew all this already. I probably knew more about this game’s planar system than she did, but now wasn’t the time to discuss it. I had a quick memory of my time at the Lake, of my short discussion with Weed and Mother Reaver before they went back to torturing me.

“I wish I could talk to them, my blades I mean,” I said. I’d tried several times, but it didn’t appear as if they heard me. Their conversations with me were strictly one-way, usually them complaining about the quality of the monster I’d just killed. “They also said these things are hunters of the numinous. That’s the second time someone’s mentioned that word, numinous. Do you know what that means, Larissa? What the numinous are?”

Larissa startled at the question. Like all NPCs, she’d been tuning out what I’d been saying. “Trolls are not numinous. They are wretched beasts that are born in filth and die in filth.”

We came to the end of the chamber, not finding any more of the tentacled monsters. A rounded, hollowed-out cave led further into the darkness. I stopped strobing my light after two of Larissa’s guards produced torches and tentatively lit them, revealing we were safe from the crystals. I whipped Triple Fang onto my belt as we continued down the dark, featureless chamber. It appeared this tunnel had been dug by a worm or some other gargantuan, burrowing beast.

“But do you know what they are?” I probed. “The numinous, I mean?”

“They are the earth-bound product of celestial beings. Sylphs and brownies and the like. The distant cousins of the aurics, but closer to the light gods from whence they came.”

“Fairies?” Popper said. “That light cleric thinks this lotion stuff is for fairies? And those Cthulhu-looking fuckers are fairy hunters? I think the game is trying to throw us a curveball.” He gasped. “Maybe the troll mother is really a hot fairy girl! If that’s the case, I’ll gladly put myself back on nipple duty. Just saying. Daddy is getting a little thirsty, if you know what I mean.”

“You know, with you being in the body of a little kid, it’s really fucking weird when you say shit like…”

Before I could finish, Larissa leaped forward, her massive sword ready to strike down.

“Wait!” I called. “Hold!”

The blade stopped just inches from the top of the chasm troll larva, which had been sulking in the tunnel by itself. It looked sick or half dead. It made a chirping noise and started to crawl back into the cave, seemingly oblivious to our presence.

“It is a troll offspring, your majesty,” Larissa said. “It is what we’re here to exterminate.”

“Do not kill or hurt any of them,” I said, coming closer to examine the scorpion-tailed beast. Popper’s description had been pretty accurate. The fat, yellow baby had onion-paper like skin, and I could see pulsating organs within, including an odd, round light at its center, like its heart glowed. It pulled itself forward on all six legs, and its scorpion tail listed to the side.

“It is sick with hunger,” Larissa muttered. “It is said that trolls feed from their mothers only once before growing into a full-grown, adult beast. It is why a stench such as this must be dealt with quickly. They multiply swiftly and can overwhelm an entire city in a matter of months, devouring everything within. If their mother is sick or dead, this expedition may not be necessary. They will die on their own in a day or so.”

I knew that wasn’t the case. The quest had stated they’d turn on their mother and then invade the city.

A dull, glowing light indicated we were near the lair of the chasm trolls.

Once, as a kid, my class had visited a farm for a field trip. The place was set up as a “teaching farm” on the outskirts of Phoenix, so kids could visit and get a romanticized view of how crops were grown and livestock was raised. Most of the meat in the world was now lab-grown, but people still had a taste for real and natural meat, though real beef had become prohibitively expensive.

Chickens, however, were still common, and this farm had an entire barn filled with newly-hatched chicks, all in corrugated pens under heat lamps. What I remember most about that day was the sound of those chicks, cheep-cheeping. Thousands upon thousands of them, a sound so loud, so insistent, so filled with a strange longing that it burrowed into your soul. Everyone in my class clapped their hands and laughed at the sound. I stood there, horrified. They’re crying, I thought. They’re terrified. They’re sad. They don’t know where they are or what’s going on, only that they’re crying and crying and nobody is helping them. Nobody is ever going to help them. I never ate natural chicken again after that day.

I heard that sound now as we approached the troll lair. It was as if the game had plucked the cheeping directly from my memory and played it back here. I felt a surge of sympathy well up for them.

Just a game, remember? Just a game.

Larissa protested, but I ordered her and her soldiers to keep back and guard our rear.

Ahead, the sickly troll larva fell off the edge into the room ahead. We crept to the precipice of the tunnel, overlooking the large, glowing room.

“Damnit,” Popper said. “You’re back on nipple duty, Jonah.”

There had to be at least 15,000 of the babies in the football-field-sized cavern. They were spread throughout the room, and they lay listless, cheeping, either not moving at all or spasming relentlessly. The entire room glowed from several crystals scattered around the ceiling, hanging down. These were a different kind of crystal, blue-tinged. A lazy river oozed through the room, and the babies sometimes fell into the water with a dull splash. They were swept away into a dark tunnel.

In the center of this lolled the troll queen mother, a massive red dot on the map, surrounded by thousands of tiny little red dots.

“I think I’m gonna throw up,” Gretchen said, gagging.

The queen was about fifteen meters long, the size of a train car. She lay on her back, completely naked. The massive creature was obviously sick, but not quite dead. Her six arms splayed out around her, crawling with her babies. I also noted a scorpion tail, unfurled and wrapped around the opposite end of the chamber, easily twice the length of her body. Apparently the queen mothers never lost them.

Her skin was like that of her babies: yellow and translucent. It looked as if it would crinkle if I grabbed a handful of it. Hundreds of sores covered her body, like craters on a moon. Foaming white pus oozed from each of the sores. I think she had six breasts, but it was hard to tell for certain. Each was like a deflated hot air balloon, laying on her stomach, save for the top, left one, which hung limply off her side, drooping onto the cavern floor. The breast crawled with larvae.

Each nipple was rather small, about fist-sized, swimming in an oblong areola as wide as the tunnel we now stood in. The nipples were big enough for a single larva to suckle upon for a few moments, I supposed. They looked blackened and cracked, and a steaming white pus oozed from them. The pus cascaded off the giant troll in rivulets, pooling around her. Troll larvae constantly fell into the putrid puddles, and only a few managed to scramble their way out.

“I know what this sickness is,” Larissa said. She’d come forward to peer over the edge with us, despite my order for her to keep her soldiers back. “My husband had paid a dwarven mage to protect the city from creeping attacks from below. He installed multiple charm stones under the city, far below the sewers and the collapsed remnants of the old city. Burrowing beasts who pass near the stones are afflicted with the plague you see now. It is effective against trolls as it blocks their ability to regenerate.”

“Is it contagious?” Popper asked.

“No. It does not affect citizens of the Dominion. I feel this hunt may be premature. It seems this stench and her brood will be dead with or without our intervention.”

It was the first time I’d heard Larissa even imply she’d had any sort of relationship with King Bartholomew. She’d been his wife, his queen, and by all accounts, they’d had a happy, healthy relationship. But after he’d died, she didn’t even appear to mourn him.

Now, however, in this moment she seemed shaken, as if she’d finally remembered what she’d lost.

“Thank you, captain,” I said. “We’ll take it from here. Guard our backs.”

“You know, it’s weird,” I said, watching her shuffle back. “Sometimes I still don’t understand the nature of this game. What is going on her head? And this quest… This whole thing popped up because I hit the ‘chasm troll’ line in the menu. If I’d never hit it, would they still be here right now, dying like this?”

“Probably,” Gretchen said. “Remember how we were talking about NPC cycles? Yi’s cycle was a full year. Ours was about a week before we looped back into starting over. These guys here live moment to moment, probably dying and regenerating multiple times a day, just waiting for someone like us to come along.”

“So, if I had dug a hole in the ground above, I’d come across this lair, even if I hadn’t started the quest?”

“Yeah, you would,” Gretchen said. “You probably wouldn’t be able to heal the queen and gain control of a troll army, but, yeah. People stumble into the middle of quests all the time in this game. We’ve done it a few times already. The gorgon in the sewers, for example.”

“The poor bastards,” Popper said. “They’ve probably been sitting there suffering for thousands of years, just starving to death this whole time, waiting for the day when some asshole comes along and either kills them or gives them food.”

“Or screws it up, so they end up devouring their own mother,” I said, remembering the text of the quest.

“Or that,” Popper said. “So whatever does happen, at least we know their fucked-up existence is going to change today.” He smiled. “I guess that’s why they call us the good guys.”

Gretchen rolled her eyes.

“Okay,” I said. “I don’t think the larvae are in any shape to fight.” I pointed to the mother’s listless arm, splayed out like a fallen tree. “That’s how I can get up. I’ll climb up on her, administer the salve, and we’ll be good. I hope. Do you think it’ll work right away?”

“Probably,” Gretchen said. “Magic has a tendency to do that. We’ll stick close. I suspect we’ll have to run as soon as it’s done. So be ready.”

We used the rope to descend from the high tunnel into the chamber, Gretchen tying a length to an outcropping at the edge of the tunnel. We shimmied down. Doing so was effortless for me with my base dexterity of 14 with an additional three added because of my watch. Popper struggled in his awkward beetle armor, and I suggested he could hold onto my neck while we descended, a proposition that earned me a stream of curses.

The floor was littered with troll larvae. The cheeping grew louder as we entered into their mass. Some snapped at us half-heartedly as we approached, but they were too weak to truly fight. I was taken aback at the stink. It was like…I don’t know. Sickness. Not the stench of death, but the smell of every liquid that was contained within a body being expelled at once. The smell was sweet, piercing. It entered my nose and invaded my sinuses, sticking to the inner walls, making me fear it would never, ever leave.

“Guys, look over there,” Popper said, pointing. He had to practically shout to be heard over the din of the babies.

A grouping of three of the cone-shaped tentacle creatures from the crystal room lay dead, strewn across the floor. They’d been chewed on, but only half-heartedly it seemed. Larissa had said the larvae only feed from their mother once in their lifetimes. I wondered if they had to eat from her before they could have anything else. It made sense, sort of.

“What killed them?” I asked, daring to edge closer. My right hand grasped onto the hilt of Triple Fang. “It wasn’t the babies.”

“Watch out,” a new voice said, a hoarse cry.

I jumped back as the massive, segmented tail of the troll queen mother drilled into the ground where I’d just been standing. The angry, black barb at the tip of the tail was longer than I was tall. It shattered into the rock like a ballistic missile. Rock showered as I skittered back. If I’d been standing there, I’d have exploded like a rotten piece of fruit.

The troll mother didn’t move, save her tail, which now rose into the air, despite her being on her back. It twitched and swayed, more cat-like than what I imagined a scorpion tail to be, searching for prey. It swished back and forth. The mother bellowed painfully, the sound shaking the walls.

“Do not worry, young ones,” the voice said as we hastily backed up. “You are just out of reach of that poor beast. Do you happen to have any water you could spare?”

I looked back at the creature, an elderly pollywog man. His dot was white on the minimap. What the hell was he doing here? Where’d he come from? The sac under his chin was mottled and gray and sagged unusually deep. The frog-like creature had an accent I could only describe as old man college professor, overly polite and formal. I hadn’t talked too much with pollywogs, but I knew a bit about them. Most of them, unlike this guy, had more of a Cajun or French accent. We had a few pollywogs in the castle, mostly in cooking and cleaning roles, but I’d seen a handful of the humanoid frog creatures as white jackets. They’d all been archers, come to think of it. I knew they were a playable race in Dominion of Blades. They were amphibious and dexterous creatures, but not too strong. They also lacked in magic ability. They had unusually high charisma and constitution, and they were immune to many types of debuffs. Gretchen had said they weren’t that popular of a race. They were best served as rogues and hunters and bards, but the texugo were generally better unless you wanted to play the water quests. Most NPC pollywogs I’d seen were merchants or sailors or skilled laborers, like carpenters and tailors.

At first I thought the man was standing in a hole, but I realized with horror he didn’t have legs at all. His two arms were tied behind his back, but he’s somehow managed to pull himself up on his two stumps to talk to us. The wounds to his legs looked old, adding to the mystery of how such a creature could be down here.

Gretchen waved her hand, casting Create Spring on the cave floor next to the pollywog. Clear water started to bubble up from the ground. We all jumped as the scorpion tail smashed into the ground again, a mere ten feet away. Rock flew like shrapnel. Popper started pushing the listless baby trolls away with the flat part of his axe, careful not to hurt them.

Gretchen produced a tin cup from her pack, filled it, and brought it to the pollywog’s mouth as Popper moved to free the man’s shackles. The elderly man drank thirstily.

“Uh, guys,” Popper said. “Come look at this.”

Behind the pollywog, his hands were more than just tied together. They appeared to be fused together with a round ring of skin, as if he’d been in that position so long, his wrists just melded together.

“Years of sores, repaired with sylph magic is what caused this,” the man said. I had to lean in to hear him over the din of the room. “Enslaved fairies care little about the quality of their work, even when that work is healing a fellow slave.”

“Jesus, dude,” Popper said. “Does it hurt? You want me to, uh, cut them apart? I got a healing potion that’ll probably stop the bleeding.”

“I was hoping you’d do the opposite, actually. I have been trying to crawl close enough to be within range of the mother’s barb tail, but I fear she’ll expire before I get there. If you’d just slit my throat or bash my head in, I’d be most appreciative.”

“What the fuck, man?” Popper said. “You want us to off you?”

“Yes, if you would. I am very much done with this existence. My loop has finally gone to a new place, and I believe if I am killed, my regeneration will take me back home to Crel, back to my family and wife and child and back to my books, which I’m sure have missed me so.”

I looked at Gretchen. Every time an NPC talked about regenerating, something they weren’t supposed to know about, it made us nervous. It was just another sign that the inevitable self-awareness of these artificial intelligences was on the horizon. It was crucial we reached our endgame before that happened. A world full of intelligent beings who knew they were immortal would be utter chaos.

“Okay, we’ll help you,” Gretchen said, eyeing the troll mother uncertainly. “But will you tell us who you are first? How you got here?”

The man paused, then nodded. “I thank you. My name is Kant. I am a scholar. I am from Crel, originally, before I was kidnapped by these cable beasts.” He nodded at the splattered remains of the conical tentacle creatures.

I knew where Crel was. It was a large country that encompassed a large area from the Florida panhandle to just west of New Orleans. It was a swampy, sticky, humid area, and according to Gretchen, it was one of the most dangerous parts of North America.

“So those tentacle things are called ‘cable beasts?’” Popper asked. “That’s a dumb name. I’d call them ‘death chompers’ or something like that.”

“Let him speak,” Gretchen said.

The man took another long drink of water. “I study philosophy and poetry. My wife, my sweet Emmanuel, had a much more humble method of work. She worked a dredging crew, clearing out the lake so Bohemia could get traders into its docks. It was constant, dirty work. But my beautiful wife, she never complained. Not one complaint as long as she lived.”

“Can you speed this up, grandpa?” Popper said. “Jonah here has some nipples to lather up.”

“Anyway,” the man said. “The swamps around Bohemia crawl with fairy folk, and other numinous. The children of light twinkle aplenty in this magical place. Well my son, Beck, he wished for a wisp in a jar for his room. So I went out one night hunting for such a creature.

“The cable beasts do not live in this plane. They travel here via portal from the Estuary, their world. It is a dark, terrible place, filled with horrors. The Estuary is one of the few planes never graced with the light from one of the twelve light gods. As a result, all beasts native to that place must travel to our plane to hunt and consume the numinous. It is how they live.”

“What does that have to do with that crazy troll lady over there?” Popper asked.

Kant ignored Popper’s question.

“I was unfortunate enough to be waylaid by a hunting party of these cable beasts. They captured sylphs and wisps and asrai, all to consume. It is their custom to slaughter any non-fairy they come across, and I thought for certain I was done for. But cable beasts also crave something else, I was soon to learn: intellectual stimulation.”

“Wait, so they kidnapped you because you’re smart?” I asked.

He nodded. “As a pollywog, I am immune to the insanity often imparted on others by the cable beasts. As I pleaded for my life, telling them of my love for my family and books, they saw value in my conversational skills, and they spared my life. They swept me from my home. My legs were removed, so I could not flee. My hands were bound behind my back. I was chained to a marble-like pedestal in the grand palace of a major corporation. There, on my dais, travelers would come to speak with me about philosophy and other worldly topics. It wouldn’t have been an unpleasant experience if the children didn’t constantly throw stones at me, or if I was ever allowed to eat. They waited until I passed out from starvation, and they had a sylph slave heal me, and the cycle would start again.”

“Holy crap,” I said.

“The corporation eventually became bored with me, and I was exchanged with another company, traded as an oddity, a pet that could entertain one’s guests for hours. I regaled the cable beasts and other creatures from that horrific plane with tales of this world.”

“That is fucked up,” Popper said.

Kant nodded sagely. “I was traded many times over the years. It was during one of those exchanges that I came to be here, back in my own world. As we ascended the steps of the node, travelers returned through the portal. These were scouts from the Ugile Corporation. A great conflict was brewing between Ugile and Hy, the company with which I was currently in the possession of. As a result, these scouts were captured and tortured for any information they might have. It turned out they, indeed, had information of the utmost interest to the Hy clan: the scouts had detected a sickly troll queen mother. Approaching her would be easy. The Ugile scouts had been hastening back to secure reinforcements. Knowing that time was short, my party of Hy rushed here, bringing me along. They did not come in great enough numbers, and the queen still had some fight in her. After the carnage, a few rushed back to send for reinforcements. I was forgotten, left here amongst the larvae.”

“So, trolls are numinous creatures?” Gretchen asked. “They’re of the light? I always thought they were twisted from one of the dark gods.”

“Oh, they are. They are indeed. But the banded sylph, the rarest, most delicate of fairies, are children of light. They are a delicacy, most desired. These are not to be confused with the standard, run-of-the-mill wood sylph. For the riven, the ruling class species of the Estuary, the meat of a single banded sylph imparts enough light to make it so they never have to eat again. They are permanently transformed by the experience, given something just short of immortality. A cable beast corporation that presents a banded sylph to a riven is rewarded greatly. Wars are fought over a single sylph.”

“Okay,” Popper said. “So what do these fairy things have to do with trolls? I don’t get it.”

Kant coughed, and a red, watery substance came from his mouth. “You wouldn’t know, would you? It is a rare thing, the birth of a troll queen. Do you know what black podlings are?”

“I do,” Gretchen said. “They’re plants, like large Venus flytraps. They’ll bite your foot and ruin your shoe if you’re not careful.”

Kant nodded. “They are sweet smelling to fairies, and if one alights upon a black podling, the fairy is gobbled up by the plant, dissolved and digested. Black podlings were placed in this world by the dark god Ozgark, the god of revenge. If certain fairy types are captured, the black podling does not consume the fairy. Instead, it enters a chrysalis stage. A podling that captures a brownie becomes the common wood troll queen. A podling with an undine becomes a water troll queen.”

Gretchen nodded. “And banded sylphs become chasm trolls?”

“Yes,” Kant said. “Indeed. But it is the black podling that becomes the troll mother. The banded sylph itself is kept alive, captured in a fluid, fleshy sac. This sac grows into the mammary gland of the troll mother. The queen mothers are born pregnant with thousands of larvae, and when they give birth, each individual larva suckles upon the mother’s breast, just long enough to get a single drop of the blessed milk. It is this meal that imparts the troll’s ability to regenerate.”

“Wait, so that lady’s tit has a fucking fairy floating around inside of it?” Popper asked. “She has six breasts. Does that mean she has six fairies in her?”

Kant shook his head. “The mammaries of chasm trolls consist of a central reservoir that leads to four to nine additional breasts. This particular one has six.”

“And your tentacle buddies want to cut it out of her?” Popper asked.

“Yes,” Kant said. “Troll mothers are a rare find. By the time their larvae appear, they have usually already fed upon their mother, who has fled. As a result, fairy hunters prize opportunities such as this one.”

“So that’s why her nipples are all infected,” Gretchen said. “The fairy was probably stricken ill by the protection Larissa was telling us about. Her infection spread to the queen mother.”

“I have told you all I know,” Kant said. “Now it is time for your end of the bargain. I am ready to die.”

“Look,” Gretchen said. “We don’t want to hurt you. I know we promised, but…”

Thwack. Kant fell over, dead, Popper’s battle axe cleaving his skull practically in two.

A member of your party has committed murder!

A red skull appeared next to Popper’s name.

“Popper!” Gretchen exclaimed, horrified.

“A deal is a deal,” Popper said. “I knew you and Jonah both would get all mushy and try to talk your way out of killing him.” He looked back and forth between us. Gretchen continued to glare. “What? It’s what he wanted! I was doing him a favor. He’s gonna regenerate anyway. It’s not like it’s a real murder.”

“You got a red skull floating over your head,” I said finally.

“Yeah, I killed an NPC outside of an arena. It goes away in an hour,” Popper said. “I just gotta stay away from guards between now and then, or they’ll arrest me and throw me in jail for 24 hours.”

I pointed up over my shoulder. “You know the captain of the guard along with a bunch of other white jackets are sitting up there right now. They probably just watched you do that.”

“Oh yeah,” Popper said, looking up at the dark tunnel entrance. The dark helmet of Larissa was barely visible in the low light as she glared down at us. “Well, shit.”

Gretchen sighed. “We’ll worry about that later,” she said, turning back to the queen mother. “We need to get close to her. I have an idea.”

Jonah Note 6

“This is the worst idea ever,” Popper said, holding his larva in two hands. The wiggling, scorpion baby thing gave up trying to bite him and now just wanted stick him with its barbed tail. Like the mother, they seemed to have more control over the tails than the appearance would suggest. Popper had to grasp the tail and hold it against its round body to keep it from swiping at him further. It ceased cheeping and now made a sound that was a mix between burping and hissing. I’d once held an angry pug puppy, and it had made a similar sound.

My baby was completely listless. It gave a half-hearted snap when I picked it up, but that was it. I didn’t even bother to secure the tail. It hung limply, twitching every so often. Gretchen’s was the same.

“Do you want to trade?” I asked, watching Popper struggle with the troll larva, which looked huge in his arms.

“No,” Popper said, breathless. “At least with mine, the queen will know for sure it’s alive.”

Gretchen’s idea was that that queen wouldn’t attack us if we each held a baby in our hands. The small creatures were solid, heavier than they looked.

“Let me go first,” I said, hesitantly stepping toward the line of dead cable beasts, which indicated the furthest scope of the queen mother’s reach. I had the highest dexterity by far, and I’d be the most likely to be able to jump out of the way in time.

“We should make Larissa do this,” Popper said as I stepped over the line, holding the baby up high.

“I thought you didn’t want her stealing our experience,” I said, watching the queen’s tail. It remained coiled on the far side of the room, twitching like a cat. Each time it moved, I tensed, ready to jump away.

“I don’t want her stealing experience,” Popper said. “I also don’t want to be smashed open like a rotten tomato.”

The white pus had the consistency of a melted marshmallow. It clung to my feet, sticking to the ground. The clumpy, sticky pus smelled like sour milk mixed with rotting cheese. I feared if I had to jump out of the way, I wouldn’t be able to.

My larva made a mewling noise, its mouth smacking open and closed, rooting for its mother’s breast. I took a few more steps forward, doing my best to hold down the gag reflex. So far so good.

The queen mother’s entire body shifted, causing my heart to leap. I looked up and met the behemoth’s gaze. She looked at me, eyes glaring absolute hatred. A low, deep growl filled the room.

The cheeping grew silent. I felt the hairs on my arms stand on their ends.

“I don’t know if you can understand me,” I shouted, clutching tightly onto the larva. “But we mean you no harm. You are sick, and we have some medicine for you. I think it’ll make you feel better right away. It will make it so you can feed your babies.”

“Why,” the mother rumbled, surprising me. Her voice was deep, tired. “Why help? Is trick, it is.”

“Oh shit, she speaks,” Popper said.

“Keep her talking,” Gretchen said. “Let’s get as close as we can. Don’t make her angry.”

We took another few steps, angling to stay out of the deeper pools of pus. It covered my boots, and I had to step deliberately and carefully, lest my boot get sucked right off my foot. There’s no way I’d be able to leap out of the way now. If she attacked, I was dead.

“It’s not a trick,” I said. “I am King Jonah of the Dominion. I have a magic salve. I don’t want your babies to eat my city, but I was hoping to heal you and to send you after better prey.”

“What prey is better? What meat is more tender than you?”

“Hobgoblins,” I said.

The queen grunted. “Hobgoblin not tender.”

We reached her side, coming along the wrist of the beast. I didn’t think the tail could get us anymore, but if she gathered enough strength, she could smush us with her hand just as easily. I tentatively put my free hand on the mottled, yellow skin. It felt unexpectedly fibrous, almost as if she was made of fabric. The translucent skin was warm to the touch.

“Maybe not tender,” I agreed, “but there will be a lot of them. When they come, will they share the people they devour with you? Probably not. With us, you can eat them all.”

“That’s your argument?” Popper whispered.

“What else should I say?” I hissed as I tried to pull myself up onto the arm one-handed. I couldn’t do it, so I gingerly handed my larva to Gretchen, who now held two baby chasm trolls. I pulled myself up, hesitantly standing. The surface of the skin felt uneven, like I was standing on a mattress. She didn’t react to my presence. I could feel the thump, thump, thump of her heart, a slow, steady beat, under her skin, pulsing through her arm. I held my breath as I crept closer.

Popper sighed heavily. “And we have the medicine to make your nips all nice and perky again,” Popper called out. “You roll with us, and we’ll keep you healthy. If not, your cute little babies are going to figure out an alternative form of getting fed.”

Underneath me, I felt her relax a bit. I took that as a good sign. I sometimes forgot that Popper, despite his brash manner, had a charisma of 17. It gave him a lot of leeway when talking to NPCs.

On the minimap, her massive dot blinked and turned from red to white. Yes. I looked down at Popper and gave him a thumbs up.

I noted the babies remained red.

“I’m coming up,” I said as I reached the end of the arm. “I’m giving you my medicine now.” I reached into my pack and pulled out the small jar of salve. I hadn’t noticed before, but the jar glowed blue in the low light. I crept towards the closest nipple: the middle, left-side breast. The top left-sided breast was still draped over the troll’s form, but the areola and nipple were out of sight, buried in the pus. I really hoped I wouldn’t have to administer this stuff to all six nipples.

“Okay. Medicine give,” the troll mother said, almost sighing the words.

I pulled the top off the salve, and all hell broke loose.

Twin portals opened up at the far reaches of the room, portals similar to those I had traveled through just a few hours earlier. These ripped open, loudly, as if the air itself was being rent apart. Fog roiled from the portals, and I caught a glimpse of tentacles reaching through both portals.

At the same time, a notification appeared.

Montu forbids non-adherents from using the magical effects of this salve. Do you wish to pray to Montu and give your everlasting devotion? Yes/No.

Oh Christ. “Who the hell is Montu?” I yelled.

“Is betrayal? You betray?” the queen mother screamed at the same time. Above, her tail whipped into a frenzy.

On the far side of the room, cable beasts poured from the twin portals. Dozens of them came, some much bigger than the ones we’d fought earlier in the crystal room.

The cheeping resumed, louder and more panicked.

“We’re on your side,” I called to the queen mother, whose dot, thankfully, remained white.

“Montu is the light god of war,” Gretchen called. “He’s the enemy of Ozgark, the god who makes the trolls.”

“Then heal,” the queen mother said. “Heal now or we all die.”

“It says I can’t use the salve unless I worship him. It gives me the option to do so.”

Across the cavern, the cable beasts began picking their way toward us, tossing the larvae aside with their tentacles, cutting through them like weedwhackers. Above and behind them, Larissa and her white jackets scaled down the wall, one after another. If the cable beasts saw, they gave no indication.

“Oh crap,” Gretchen called. “That’s going to be a problem. He’s a good god to worship. He was probably one of the most popular ones, but…”

I didn’t let her finish. We didn’t have time to think about this. I mentally jabbed Yes on the display.

You have been rejected by the deity.

“…Hunters can’t worship him. Only straight-up fighters can. And barbarians. He’s a war god.”

I almost laughed. Almost. I met Popper’s eyes, who glared up at me, his little girl face reddening with rage.

“Popper…” I began.

“No, fuck you. No, no, no. I fucking knew it. I knew this shit was going to happen.”

“You’re going to have to do it,” I said, coming back down the arm of the queen. I held my own arm out for him to grab. “Up with you now. Put the larva down.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Is that some sort of joke, because I’m not laughing, Jonah. No. No fucking way.” He looked around frantically for an exit. There was none.

“I know, it sucks. I promised I’d do it. I can’t. You can. We don’t have time. It’s the only way.”

He continued to clutch onto the struggling larva like it was a life preserver.

The queen howled with frustration as the cable beasts shuffled toward us. There had to be at least 50 of them, their red dots merging with the red dots of the chasm troll larvae on the screen, making the map a sea of red.

I noticed that some of the cable beasts wore strange, rectangular flags on their backs, attached via a short pole. The flags reminded me of sashimono, the flags worn by feudal Japanese warriors in battle, to help identify soldiers from one army to the next. The cable beasts descending on us wore two distinct flags: one a sea of gold with a black hook, and the other was a red X on a white flag, similar to the St. Patrick’s Cross flag of Northern Ireland, but the red was much thinner.

Larissa and her white jackets plunged into the back line of the tentacled beasts, their sword and mace clangs rising against the furious cheeping. Larissa’s massive blade cut through a cable beast and flags as multiple larvae bit onto her armored leg.

“Dude,” I said. “Please, I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

“Fucking hell,” Popper said, putting his larva down. He grabbed my hand and pulled himself up as Gretchen dropped both of her larvae and also pulled up onto the massive troll. “I hate you both, you know that, right?”

I shoved the jar at Popper.

“This isn’t going to do anything weird is it?” I asked. “Him worshipping Montu, I mean?”

“Nothing as weird as what you’re about to make me do,” he grumbled as he navigated his menu.

Gretchen had stowed her spear and pulled her longbow from her pack. She hurled bolt after bolt at the cable beasts. Most arrows bounced off the cone-shaped bodies, but a few struck home in the strange, horizontal eye slits near the top of the beasts, causing them to shutter and fall, where they were soon overwhelmed by cheeping larvae.

“Worshippers of Montu get an attack bonus,” Gretchen said, panting with the effort as she knocked another arrow from her endless quiver. “He heals faster from wounds caused during battle. He also gains a bonus to his berserker skill. However, he has to kill at least one thing a day to keep the god from inflicting a penalty on him. I don’t remember what the penalty is.” She loosed an arrow, which struck home. “Got you.”

Larissa howled with pain, and I watched in horror as her left arm was violently ripped away from her body. The white jacket reinforcements were almost all gone. They had gotten separated from one another and were being picked apart one by one.

“Flee, your majesty,” Larissa called, smashing at the tentacles with her free arm.

Player Poppy (Level 20, Barbarian, Human) has devoted her soul to the Light God Montu.

“Okay, hurry,” I said.

Popper grumbled as his small form opened the container, dug a pair of fingers into the glowing blue lotion, and climbed up onto the main part of the troll.

A group of six cable beasts, from the red and white contingent, approached our position. They’d be on us in seconds.

“Keep up the arrows,” I said, pulling Triple Fang free from my waist. I felt the dexterity boost surge through me.

“Oh god, it smells so bad,” Popper called from behind. “And it’s hairy!”

Quest update. Salve applied to 1 of 6 nipples.

“Goddamnit, I gotta do all six?”

“Jesus, quit bitching and get on with it!” I called as I jumped off the arm, landing knee-deep in a foul pool of milky-white pus. I felt my feet crush a larva corpse from the bottom of the pool.

Quest update. Salve applied to 2 of 6 nipples.

I spun up my blades, doing my best to keep them above the pool as I twirled an infinity symbol in the air. I’d been practicing with different patterns, and while this one was simple and not as dazzling as others, it didn’t require the blades to bounce off the ground. The room lit up with my fiery blades.

I sliced through a few sets of tentacles, causing the beasts to howl and fall back. My pattern slipped with each successful blow, and my blades sizzled as they dipped into the pus, causing the white liquid to spray in every direction, including on my face. I choked back the urge to vomit.

“Yes. Is pleasurable. But now not time for such pleasures,” the troll groaned. “But yes, rub harder.”

“Oh my fucking god,” Popper cried. “Please, please don’t ever say that again.”

Quest update. Salve applied to 3 of 6 nipples.

More cable beasts surged forward. In the back of the room, Larissa cried out. Her white dot blinked away. A moment later, the last of the remaining white jackets also fell. We were alone.

The portals remained open, and additional cable beasts gushed into the room. On the left side, with the gold and black flags, a new type of monster also entered the room: a centipede-like creature that scuttled close to the ground as it angled straight at me. It was about 15 feet long, with pincers wide enough to cut me in half. Its black carapace appeared to be made of pure obsidian.

“Please hurry,” I cried.

“I’m going as fast as I can. You really gotta rub it in there,” Popper yelled.

“Miss troll, we could really use your help,” Gretchen called out. She bullseyed another cable beast as I struggled to keep my blades going.

“Is hard to move with such sensual attentions,” the troll said. But a moment later, her scorpion tail smashed down, crushing two cable beasts with a single blow.

I was hoping the cable beasts from the two different portals would fight one another, especially after what Kant had said regarding the conflicts between the different “companies” as he called them. But these two groups appeared to be allies.

Quest update. Salve applied to 4 of 6 nipples.

I sliced through another cable beast. My chest burned with battle fury. I didn’t have to check my notifications to know what was happening. One of the effects of Triple Fang was a chance I would be imbued with Rage each time I landed a blow. That’s what was happening now.

The spell was different from Popper’s Berserk effect. With Berserk, Popper burst into flames, lost all autonomy, and he killed everything in sight, focusing—mostly, but not always—on the enemies. He moved faster and received a massive bonus to damage, but he also became more vulnerable himself.

Rage was similar. I didn’t burst into flames or move faster, but I received a bonus to damage. I would not attack my companions. The game also put me in a strange, semi-autonomous autopilot mode where I became extremely aggressive toward the enemy. Aggressive to the point of stupidity. The last time it had happened, I was on the deck of an airship, and I’d almost jumped off to chase a flying enemy.

Also, Gretchen had explained once that Berserk was actually a skill, not a spell. You couldn’t cast Berserk on someone. They either had the skill or they didn’t. You could with Rage.

My chest pounded. I no longer cared about the quest. I just wanted to kill everything in the room. Come on, come on, let’s do this.

The remaining monsters approached slowly, surrounding me in a semi-circle, keeping out of range of my blades. I felt myself call out in fury. I pulled my second, four-bladed urumi free from my waist and spun it up, no longer caring to keep the blades free from the pool of fluid. The dazzling show of fire and blades and pus exploded around me.

Yes, master. You thirst. You thirst like we do.

Let us play. Let us feast.

Together we shall devour this very world.

Another cable beast exploded under the troll’s tail.

Quest update. Salve applied to 5 of 6 nipples.

They spread apart as the centipede whipped toward me.

“That’s a doom burrower!” Gretchen called, pumping arrow after arrow at it. The arrows exploded against its armor, ineffective. “It has a corrosive attack. Don’t let it spit at you!”

I barely heard her. The burrower launched at me, pincers grasping as it reared up. I launched myself into the air, jumping only a fraction of the height I’d anticipated. One of my boots remained on the ground, sucked right off my foot. Still, I’d moved out of the way just in time as it sprayed an acid mist.

I cut, hard, with my blades, but they sparked and bounced off the centipede’s tough hide. My blades spun to a stop as I skittered off a rocky part of the ground, just south of where I’d been standing before.

The cable beasts lurched forward as I tried to pull my blades back into action. I didn’t see where the centipede had gone. Come on, you coward. Show yourself!

I twirled in a circle, cutting Triple Fang through at least a dozen tentacles. Screams filled the air as cable beasts pulled back. I rushed at them, and they shuffled back, like sheep afraid of an angry dog. I cut and sliced and slaughtered, doing my best to avoid the larvae spread about the floor all around us.

I felt my rage subside as I chased them back. Here, in this open place, I knew I was practically untouchable.

I popped open my spell menu, scrolled down to Hypnotize, and slammed it down.

The spell only worked while I was dual wielding. I’d never used it before, but the description read: Causes enemies to freeze. Can only be cast while dual-wielding urumi blades. Successfully hypnotized enemies will remain in that state as long as you remain spinning your blades. Physically attacking or moving out of their direct line-of-site will break the spell. This spell has a 50% chance to work on all enemies in range.

A little more than half of the cable beasts stopped in place, their tentacles, oddly, raising into the air and waving, like sea anemones. Not all of them were affected, however, which made the spell almost useless.

“The last nipple is down there,” Popper called, pointing to an area just behind the melee. “Gretchen, watch my back. I’m going in!”

He leaped off the chest of the troll, half falling, half sliding down the long, hairy breast like he was on a water slide. He landed in the pus with a plop and promptly disappeared over his head.

“Popper!” Gretchen called. She dropped her bow and jumped in after him, landing hard in the pool, chest deep.

Half of the un-hypnotized cable beasts moved toward them while the others circled around me.

A moment later, Gretchen pulled Popper up out of the pus. He grinned broadly as he clutched the now-empty jar of salve triumphantly.

“I did it!” he cried.

Quest Failed. The Chasm Troll’s Teat.

Achievement unlocked! Fail a quest!

I watched Popper mouth “What the fuck?” just as the doom burrower burst from the chest of the now-dead troll, a large, milky sac clutched in its pincers.

I realized then what had happened. The centipede hadn’t been attacking me at all. It had sprayed its corrosive mist at the troll. I hadn’t seen where it had gone because as I jumped away, it burrowed into the troll. It had cut its way through her massive body, finding the mammary sac, and retrieving it, just like it had likely been trained.

Not many creatures could survive something that large burrowing its way through their chest.

“Damnit,” I roared, real rage filling me now.

New Quest: Save Millicent.

Millicent the Banded Sylph has been captured by the Hook Corporation of the Cable Beasts. She is currently in the terrible clutches of a Doom Burrower. Kill the burrower, excise her from the mammary sac, and escort her to safety. If she reaches the portal to the Estuary, this quest will fail.

Reward for completing this task: You will earn Millicent’s undying loyalty and will gain control of her along with an army of her wood and rock sylvan friends. Each wood sylph can heal large groups of warriors in battle. Each rock sylph can increase the physical protection of large groups of warriors in battle. Millicent the banded sylph has additional abilities.

This is a unique quest.

“Stop that centipede!” Popper yelled, pointing up at the doom burrower. Just as he said it, a pair of cable beasts lunged for them. Gretchen, who still held Popper in her hands, fell back into the pus, both of them disappearing into the pool, which was now tinged red.

Shit! I leaped forward, killing as many of the beasts as I could before the Hypnotize effects went away. I turned and ran toward Gretchen and Popper, killing the two cable beasts.

The centipede slithered down the troll’s body, down a long leg, moving impossibly fast. The remaining cable beasts moved to protect the centipede.

Meanwhile, chasm troll larvae started to swarm their now-dead mother, somehow re-invigorated with her death. The cheeping faded and was replaced with the sound of the young beginning to devour their mother.

Pain exploded on my bare foot as a chasm troll chomped down on me. Its tail quivered to strike, but I punted it into the pool.

Popper emerged first, like some beast from the sea. He now clutched his axe, and he swung it savagely at the larvae as he stomped matter-of-factly toward the fleeing centipede. The only reason we weren’t instantly overwhelmed by the larvae was they were mostly focusing on getting to their mother. More and more appeared, coming from all directions. They ignored us, and they ignored the fleeing cable beasts.

We need to collapse this cave, I thought. We can’t let these things swarm up into my city.

Gretchen pulled herself up, rummaging in her bag for her spear. She pulled it out, and without a word, we both turned and sprinted toward the procession.

We weren’t going to make it. They quickly closed the distance between them and the portal.

Gretchen’s mouth moved, and I realized she was casting a spell. A large hole appeared in the ground in front of the fleeing centipede. It squealed as it plunged inside, sac and all. Only 3/4s of its length fell into the hole, however, and multiple tentacles shot out from the cable beasts, wrapping around the centipede to pull it out of the well.

The Create Well spell had given us a few extra seconds, and that was all we needed.

About 15 cable beasts remained. There had been more, I realized belatedly, but all the ones with the red and white banner had retreated. Even their portal was now gone. What was that all about? No matter.

Popper was first into the fray. He screamed obscenities, a stream of curses and shouts that were over the top, even for him. “Fucking troll nipples,” he shouted as he cleaved a chunk out from the bottom of a cable beast.

He burst into blue flames. Screaming, he continued to hack at the cable beasts, who were forced to abandon their efforts to pull out the centipede.

“Ah, hell,” I said, stopping short.

“Stay clear of him,” Gretchen shouted, angling around. I rushed around the other way, moving to cut off the centipede, who had decided to pull itself out of the hole.

Popper’s beetle armor appeared to be highly effective against the beasts. They’d snap out at him, and the armor’s Damage Reflect enchantment stung them enough for them to let go. Last time he’d gone berserk, he’d ended up killed by the chinchillas. Hopefully he’d hold out this time, though I wasn’t too keen on his chances fighting by himself. We couldn’t risk getting close to him.

Gretchen jabbed at the side of the centipede, desperately searching for a hole in its armor. There was none. Each jab just skipped right off. She risked breaking her spear.

I remembered before when it had sprayed its corrosive acid it had reared up before it had attacked. That’s how to kill it. Its belly is unprotected. But could it even attack like that now? It held the sac in its mandibles. With dread, I realized, probably not. The damn thing was practically indestructible.

Then, an idea.

I circled around, so I stood just before the crackling portal to the Estuary. Don’t fall backward. I whipped my blades, unfurling them. They scattered loosely onto the ground, streaming out in front of me like ribbons. The doom burrower pulled itself fully out of the well and charged forward, looking to bowl me over, or worse, tackle me into the portal with it.

No, I thought as Gretchen leaped onto the centipede’s back, her spear striking spot after spot. She didn’t know what I was planning. She was in the way.

Behind her, I caught sight of Popper smashing the final cable beasts into pieces with his small axe. The flames covering him started to fade.

The centipede barreled toward me. There was nothing I could do about Gretchen now.

Here goes, I thought.

Just as the centipede’s bulk rushed over the forward strands of my long blades, I hopped to the left, pivoted off my booted left foot, and I backflipped over the beast, passing Gretchen by inches. She watched, wide-eyed as I whipped my blades toward myself. Having been wrapped almost fully around the monster, I felt the blades cut deep as I pulled.

The centipede dropped dead, dropping the sac barely a foot from the portal.

Gretchen rolled off the centipede, screaming in horror as blood hemorrhaged from where her two legs had been moments before.

I rushed forward, pulling a healing potion from my bandolier. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I said, pouring the drink into her mouth. She fell onto her back, continuing to scream as the new legs started to grow. I gave her a second potion. A second potion wasn’t necessary, but it hastened the healing, thus easing the pain. “I’m sorry,” I repeated.

“Guys!” Popper yelled, rushing forward. He jumped onto my shoulder and leaped, his axe upraised. He pounded down, hard on the tentacle that had shot forth from the open portal, wrapping around the exposed sac.

He severed the limb, and the portal snapped away.

On the other side of the room, the dead body of the troll queen quivered as she was swarmed by an ever-increasing pile of ravenous babies.

Popper pulled at the large sac, trying to drag it over to us, but he couldn’t budge it.

“We need to get this open fast,” he said.

“Are you okay?” I asked Gretchen, looking down at her now-bare legs and feet.

She wiggled her toes and cracked a weak smile, giving me a thumbs up.

“I’m so sorry,” I repeated. “It was the only thing I could think of, and you’d jumped onto its back.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “Really. Like you said, it was the only way.”

Jesus, I thought. First the insanity and then this. I knew how much severed limbs hurt. This game was taking a toll, even if we survived.

Popper pulled out Dolly Trauma, his enchanted knife, and he carefully cut along the edge of the pulsating sac. It popped like a balloon, sending chunky, rotten milk in all directions.

The fairy lay prone on the ground, no bigger than my hand. She was red from head to toe, save for a long, beige streak in her wet hair. I guessed that’s why they called them banded fairies.

We huddled around her.

“Is she alive?” I asked, afraid to touch her.

“She’s small for a fairy. They’re usually a bit bigger than that,” Gretchen said.

She looked like a typical, mythological fairy. She was a thin, auric-like creature with butterfly wings. She wore a red, sopping-wet dress. A slow procession of sparkles emanated from her.

“Millicent?” Popper asked. “That’s your name, right? Millicent?”

“Is she dead?” the fairy asked. Her voice was soft, innocent, like one would expect a fairy to talk.

“Who?” I asked. “The troll?”

She nodded.

“Yes,” I said. “Are you okay?”

She nodded again, absently. “Good. I’m glad. Are my babies still here?”

Her babies? “The larvae? Yes,” I said.

“All right,” she said. She slowly stood, stretching her arms. “You three stay back. I have some work to do. It might take a bit, and then we’ll talk about how I can repay you.”

“Uh, sure,” I said, exchanging a look with Gretchen, who shrugged. She suddenly zipped into the air, leaving a trail of flaming sparkles in her wake. She corkscrewed toward the ravening mass of larvae.

Quest Completed! Save Millicent!

See Millicent the Banded Sylph for remainder of rewards.

We watched, open-mouthed as Millicent zipped toward a single larva that hadn’t quite yet reached the troll. She alighted on the fat, baby troll for a moment and bounded away, doing the same to another and then another.

Each troll froze in place the moment it was touched.

After a few minutes of this, Millicent zipped back to us.

“It will take at least a week for the sylphs to emerge from their old shells,” she said, “and there are many more here than I realized. I must touch them all. It will take some time.”

“Millicent, we completed the ‘Save Millicent’ quest,” Gretchen said.

She floated, not saying anything for several seconds. “Yes you have,” she said finally. “Your majesty,” she said. “My children and I declare fealty to you and to the Dominion empire. When you and your people are threatened, you may call on us to fight on your behalf.”

War Events: 16,500 new soldiers added to your army.

“Wait, so your baby fairies are inside the baby trolls, like you were inside the troll queen?” Popper asked.

“It is how fairies are born,” Millicent said. “It’s all part of the circle of light and dark. The troll part of us is of the god Ozgark. It makes us large and bitter. The fairy part of us are of the light gods who created us. Even the larvae who died before I was freed will eventually rot away into a new fairy. It is only when they grow into a full-sized troll do the fairy within wither and die.”

 “Thanks, Millicent,” I said. I eyed the red, murderer insignia still floating over Popper’s head. He’d said it’d go away in an hour. “If you don’t mind, I think we’re going to watch you work for a while before we go back.”

She nodded graciously. “I look forward to battling alongside you in the near future. I am a banded sylph. I am a child of Montu, the warrior god. I lust for battle. I feed off the blood of my enemies, and I yearn to listen for the sound of their suffering.”

“Okay then,” I said.

* * *

“Do you think he’ll end up back home, like he wants?” I asked, later, looking at the corpse of Kant, the legless pollywog scholar. I’d collapsed onto the ground of the cavern, exhaustion washing over me. Thousands of dead larvae littered the room along with dozens of dead cable beasts. The half-eaten corpse of the troll queen dominated the far wall, looking now like a smashed and beaten watermelon.

We watched Millicent zip around the room, lightning speed as she touched each of the larvae, freezing them. I realized now, she was actually killing them, their dead bodies acting as a chrysalis for the fairies.

“No,” Gretchen said. She sounded just as tired as I was. “I don’t. I think in a few days, or probably a month or two with all this going on, he’s either going to wake up back in whatever plane those cable beasts come from. Or worse, he’s going to wake back up right here, forever trying to crawl closer to that giant troll, who will also regenerate. Maybe. We don’t know if his backstory actually happened.”

“Jesus,” I said. “We should’ve just kept him with us.”

“Yeah,” Popper said. “Nothing like an armless, legless, and elderly BattleToad to round out the party.”

“What do you mean, if his backstory actually happened?” I asked.

Gretchen smiled sadly. “NPCs have a mix of real memories and planted memories. His wife, his kids, his books. They probably don’t exist unless the programmer stuck them in the game. All those memories he was so fond of, they’re just part of his backstory. Just like Yi’s concubine grandmother or how the NPC version of Poppy’s parents were barbarians killed by ice spiders. Poppy’s backstory was she went to go live with her Aunt Wanda. But the day Poppy was added to the game, she was already there in Icardi, living with her aunt. The backstory is just fluff. It never actually happened. Some of it was written by a massive team of writers and programmers. Some of it, in the game’s later years, was written by an AI. It’s why there were so many quests, why the NPCs seemed so real. Almost everyone had a history.”

“So you think we can come back here and do it again, only this time we kill the centipede and we end up with the troll army?” I asked.

“I’m not sure,” Gretchen began. “Since we have Millicent now, it might not…”

“Let me stop you right there,” Popper said. “I am only going to say this once. We are not coming back down here ever again. We are never going to do this quest again. And next time we are presented with a quest that has anything to do with troll body parts, we’re just going to walk the other way. None of this, ‘Don’t worry Popper, I’ll do it this time,’ bullshit. No. No fucking way.”

I laughed.

“This shit ain’t funny,” he said, scowling at me. He indicated his small body, still covered in the sticky remnants of the troll pus, from head to toe, mixed with copious amounts of blood. “Look at me. I look like I drew the short straw at a bukkake convention.”

I kept laughing. I couldn’t help it.

“I don’t even know what that means,” Gretchen said. “I don’t think I want to know.”

Jonah Note 7

Later that night, we sat around the table eating the chef’s interpretation of a chicken pot pie. Keta poked at it suspiciously with a knife while Larus, who insisted on eating dinner with us each night, huffed and complained under his breath about being forced to be a cannibal. Raj had already eaten two, and Alice was back in the kitchens after having skewered some rats in the dungeon. She was attempting to get the dwarven cook to put them in a pie for her, but he was refusing. We could hear the shouting all the way out here.

Gretchen pushed her pot pie away. “Cutting into this reminds me too much of the troll nipple. I saw the chef had a bucket of mussels back there. I’m just going to cast my Instant Fish Fry and eat those.”

“That works?” I asked. “I thought it had to be fish.”

Gretchen shrugged. “I tried it the other day, and it seems most of our fish-themed spells work as long as they’re sea creatures. You have cuttlefish and crabs in your Summon Fish menu.”

“Well, shit,” I said. “Let’s do a clambake next. It’s better than this lame stuff.”

Popper shoved mouthful after mouthful of pot pie into his little maw. “You guys are smoking crack. This pot pie is pretty good. Not perfect, but good.” He chewed for a few moments, then turned somber. “I want to talk about something. Like serious talk.”

I already knew what he was going to say. We’d all been thinking it.

“Go on,” I said.

“The fairies. They’re great and all. That many healing units is a huge advantage. But it’s not enough. This whole defend Harmony quest was meant to be one of those annual events, one where everybody in the whole damn game shows up at the same time. That means whatever is coming at us is going to be just as bad, or worse. We’re three people. It’s not possible. We can’t stay here.”

Gretchen sighed, putting down her fork. “Jonah, he’s right. Even if we gathered up all the monsters from that list and somehow managed to not crash the game, it still wouldn’t be enough. First we have the hobgoblins, who we might be able to beat back. But even if we do win, it’ll be close, and our numbers will be severely depleted. Once the burning fleet arrives, there’ll be nobody left to defend the city. We’ll be overrun. We don’t know how many of them there are now, but by all reports, that fleet is much bigger than before.”

I nodded. “You’re right. As things stand now, it’s not possible.”

“Finally,” Popper said. “So we find a moon auric and…”

“Wait,” I said. “I’ve been thinking hard on this, and I have a plan.”

“You just said you didn’t think it was possible,” Gretchen said.

“I said ‘as things stand now,’” I said.

“Fuck, dude,” Popper said. “No amount of planning is going save your ass this time if you stay.”

“I can’t abandon this city,” I said. “We all know what’s at stake.”

Gretchen shook her head. “Okay, okay. Tell us what you’re thinking.”

I grinned. “So we have three separate world events happening right now, right?” I counted on my fingers. “One, the burning fleet is descending on Harmony. Two, is the deunification event. That’s what allowed me to become the Flounder king and eventually the Dominion king. It’s also why a hobgoblin army 500,000 strong is marching on the city. And three, Sandra the Learnt was kidnapped. Waldo agrees that these three world events were pre-programmed into the game to happen at wide intervals, and they weren’t meant to all be happening at the same time. Are you with me so far?”

“Yes,” Gretchen said.

“Waldo wants me to wait out my curse before we attempt to solve the Sandra the Learnt quest. But that was before you figured out something really interesting earlier today.”

“What?” Gretchen said. “That she’s in Castellane?”

“Yes,” I said. “She’s in Castellane. The hobgoblin capital.”

“So?” Popper said.

“So, if she’s in Castellane. And the hobgoblin king, warlord, whatever he’s called is also in Castellane, then that’s where we need to go to solve that quest,” I said.

“Yes, Jonah,” Popper said. “We know this.”

I held up a finger. “But the city is usually guarded by the Riot, the army of the hobgoblins. The same army that’s currently besieging Denver, Colorado.”

“I see where you’re going,” Gretchen said. “But it’s not going to work. Castellane isn’t a normal city. Do you remember what I was telling you before about that city? About the spiral?”

“Wait,” Popper said, eyes brightening. “You want to sneak into Castellane and kill their warlord? And you want to do it now, before the Hobgoblin Riot gets to Harmony? That is one ballsy move.”

“Yes,” I said. “The Riot is one of the 13 kingdoms. If I—or one of you two—can kill the hobgoblin warlord, then we’d gain control of 500,000 hobgoblin troops. Not only would we not have to fight them, but we’d have them as part of our army.”

“Holy shit,” Popper said. “That’s…that’s brilliant!” He sat back, sighing. “Too bad Gretchen’s right. Castellane isn’t a normal city. You can’t just walk up to Riot Castle and knock on the door. Yeah, the army helps protect the city. But they’re not the main part of the city’s defenses. I don’t think it’ll matter if the army is there or not. Not when there’s only three of us.”

“So you keep telling me,” I said. “But we also have the Sandra the Learnt quest. When it updated earlier, it said we had to go to the castle and confront the warlord. So I’m hoping there’s a way around the towers or whatever this defense is.”

“It’s not a whatever, and it’s not a single point of defense,” Gretchen said. “You’re underestimating it. It’s a tower defense run. It’s called the spiral.”

I had no idea what they were talking about, but I still clutched tightly onto my idea. It was the only thing that made sense. We couldn’t abandon this city. “Okay, so explain the spiral to me. And what is a tower defense run?”

Popper laughed. “Sometimes I forget you’ve never played this game before. Here you are, literally the most powerful player ever, the king of the Dominion, and you’re still a total noob.”

Gretchen explained as I flipped Popper off. “So as you know, the Riot was one of the original 13 kingdoms. After the unification wars, only a few dissident groups remained. There are several small ones around the world, but the main ones are the rebels in Germany, the Blood Xin on the coast of China, and the Hobgoblin Riot. Plus we have things like the Blast and all that craziness in Japan and South America. Anyway, before this whole new storyline started, the hobgoblins rarely left their stronghold.”

“And that’s the city of Paris,” I said. “Castellane.”

“Yes,” Gretchen said.

“Okay, so what’s the spiral?”

“I’m not all that familiar with how the real city of Paris is set up,” Gretchen said. “But Castellane is a giant spiral with several waypoints along the way. These waypoints correspond with many of the famous Paris landmarks. At the very center is Castle Riot. It’s on a small island in the river that bisects the city. The castle itself is huge. It’s twice the size of this one, though I don’t think anyone has ever actually been in there.”

“That’s probably Notre Dame,” I said, trying to remember how Paris was set up. I’d never been there, but I’d drawn maps of the city several times for customers when I was selling hand-drawn maps online.

Gretchen shrugged. “In order to get to the center of the city, you have to travel the length of the spiral. It’s about 25 miles total or so. There are multiple spells protecting the city to keep you from cheating. All movement-based spells are prohibited. That means no Blink, no Teleport, no Portal. You can’t dig under the walls or climb over them or phase through. The protection is ironclad.”

“So what’s in the spiral?” I asked.

“Death,” Popper said.

Gretchen nodded. “The main defenses are the towers. There are multiple types. There are archer towers, magic towers, catapult towers, ones that try to poison you, some that shoot fire. You either have to sneak your way past, power your way past with sufficient numbers and protection, destroy the towers, or storm them. But there’s more than towers, too. There are hobgoblin garrisons along the way where they come out and attack you in en masse. There’s a zoo near the end, called the Menagerie. Once you walk in, all the cages open, and the monsters attack.” Gretchen visibly shuttered.

“Jesus,” I said. “And people actually got through it?”

“Yes, but only with sheer numbers. The gameplay fluctuated. It seemed every day there were different towers or new traps nobody had come across before.”

“And what happens when you beat it?”

Gretchen smiled. “There were supposedly over 200 different possibilities. I’m not sure if it was random or if it depended on how you did it. But the one time I did win, we came out onto the island and into what I can only describe as a dance party. There’s a small village set up there with the castle on one end and the church on the other. There were no more defenders. The hobgoblin warlord came out and congratulated us, and we all sat down and had a big feast. There was a roast pig the size of a humpback whale on a massive spit. We all danced and listened to hobgoblin music, which is mostly drums and flutes. After I ate the food, I received a two-week luck buff and a two-week stamina boost. We got some experience, but I don’t remember how much, and we got medals. That was pretty much it. I’ve heard of people getting on the island and getting attacked by thousands of hobgoblins at once. I’ve heard of the warlord coming out and challenging a single player to battle. I’ve heard of everyone getting mounts, getting magical gear, loads of jacks. I’ve also heard of everyone getting surrounded and thrown in a hobgoblin jail until the bi-weekly purge.”

“So the warlord is always in the castle, though?” I asked.

“Yes, I believe so,” Gretchen said.

I nodded. “The quest says you have to confront the warlord, and that he’s in Castellane,” I said. “I’m pretty sure he’s not here in North America. The notifications say the hobgoblin leading the army that’s currently besieging Denver, err, Arcanum is named Prince Maghan.”

“Yeah, that’s Chief Musa’s son,” Gretchen said. “He has two sons if I remember correctly. One is really tall and the other is enormously fat.”

“There’s no way we can beat the whole spiral on our own,” Popper said. “Even if we did bring Keta and Larissa, we’d still be screwed.”

“Wait,” I said. “So, are these towers automatic, like magical, or are they manned by actual hobgoblins?”

“They’re all manned,” Gretchen said.

“So maybe they’re all empty now,” I said.

“And maybe I’m going to wake up in the morning and be 6’2 again,” Popper said. “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

“Okay, okay,” I said, thinking hard. “I want you to zap over to Castellane to check it out,” I said to Gretchen. “Maybe probe the defenses a little and see if they’re weaker than normal or if they’re even turned on. We’re going to have to go there eventually no matter what, so we might as well do it now while we still have Keta available to do the zapping.”

A look flashed across Gretchen’s face, so quickly that I wasn’t sure I’d even seen it. “Just me?” she asked. “Maybe I should bring Keta with me.”

“Sorry,” I said. “She absolutely refuses to leave the city. Remember? I tried to get her to go on an airship to scout for the burning fleet, and she wouldn’t. I can’t figure out how to make her. I even went to talk to Waldo about it, but he didn’t know. I ordered her, and she just looked at me, pretending not to hear.”

The half-auric did the same now. Like all NPCs, she sat there with wide, uncomprehending eyes whenever we talked about game mechanics, ready to jump back into the conversation when we got back on track.

“So how would I get home? And I’d do this alone?” She asked again.

“I need to finish my book, and I need to get it in the hands of the scriptorium guild. Popper is on wall duty tomorrow. You’re just looking, in and out. Take some of the city’s jacks and hire a bunch of NPC mercs to go with you, that way if you end up sneaking into this spiral, you’ll have some meat shields around you.”

Gretchen seemed thoughtful, then nodded. “Okay, then. I can go look, but the quest says we need to go all the way to Castle Riot, and that’s not going to happen, even if the towers are offline. Chief Musa will certainly have his honor guard with him.”

“I want to go. Send me instead,” Popper said suddenly. “Or at least the both of us.”

“Actually, Popper should go with me,” Gretchen said. “He needs the experience more than I do. We need him to level up. He’s been so busy with the construction projects, he’s gotten very little experience. Today was the most action he’s seen since we got here. Besides,” she added, “he’s the one with high charisma. If he’s not with me, I’m not certain I can get the mercs to follow my orders if I have over my personal maximum.”

Indeed, Popper was only level 20, far below my 35 and Gretchen’s 26.

“I don’t like the idea of both of you going,” I said. “I’m cool with just Popper going to see if he can figure anything out. I want Raj to go, too.”

“Raj? Why?” Popper asked.

“One, to keep him out of my hair. And two, if you’re going to be snooping, looking for clues, he’s perfect. One night running around, and he’ll know everything there is to know about whatever is going on in an area.”

“But what if he gets hurt?” Popper asked.

I sighed. “If Raj dies, I’ll make Keta throw a Portal to Valisa to get him back.”

“Oh all right,” Popper said, “I’ll need to hire a couple tanks, some ranged NPCs, a healer, a few warriors, and at least one mage. That won’t be cheap.”

“If you do go in there, don’t go past the first castle,” Gretchen said. “The hobgoblin oracle sits on the throne there, and she’s probably a pretty good source of information. With your charisma, you might get something out of her.”

Popper nodded. “I’m thinking the same thing. I could probably get that far with a small party. Past that, there’s no way.”

“Oracle?” I asked.

“She’s like the aunt or sister of the old, dead chief Ichichi,” Gretchen said. “She lives in the first major waypoint castle, which protects the Sentinel Tower. It’s the location of the Eiffel Tower. It’s the tallest thing in the city. I read once it was originally the same shape as the Eiffel Tower, but they got sued by the owners of the tower’s trademark, and they had to change it. Same thing happened here with the Space Needle. Anyway, most people just skip the first castle. The castles are on the spiral path, but you don’t have to go in them except one of them. Think of them as side quests. So people skip them usually. Inside are a bunch of weird goblin attendants, and the oracle sits in the main room on a big couch. If you can get to her, she’ll tell you the whole backstory of the Hobgoblin Riot and how they ended up there in Castellane. It’s a pretty interesting tale.”

“The one time we went into the castle,” Popper added, “We tried killing the oracle, and she trounced our asses. She’s a powerful boss.”

“Yeah,” Gretchen said. “If you kill her, you get the key that leads to the top of the Sentinel Tower. It’s basically a sniper’s nest where three hobgoblins fire a magical ballista at you the entire time you’re in its sights. It fires slow, but it kills everything it hits. It’s usually not worth it to waste time taking the tower out, especially if you’re in a huge party.”

“But you think it’s worth talking to the oracle?” I asked.

Popper grunted. “Who knows. But she’s friendly as long as you don’t attack her.”

“So to confirm, you can just turn around and go home after entering the spiral?” I asked. “You’re not committed once you go in?”

“Correct,” Gretchen said. “Not everybody who enters goes in to run the whole thing. There are lots of nooks and crannies hidden in there. There’s a few hidden guild halls, for example. There are six castles along the way, and each one has stuff inside. You can only enter the spiral once every four hours, but you can leave anytime. Also, everyone gets kicked out two times a week. A game guide named Rochus shows up and casts a Purge spell that sucks everyone out, so even if Popper gets stuck somewhere, he can always wait it out.”

“It’s too bad you can’t control the white jackets outside of Aberdeen,” Popper said. “There’s a garrison there near the entrance. I bet I could run the whole thing with a garrison of white jackets.”

“Yeah,” I said drily. “Don’t remind me. Maybe if I come see them face-to-face I can pull it off. We’ll try it if I do end up over there.”

Alice marched into the great room, a triumphant look on her face.

“He’s making me a pie,” she announced.

“Okay,” I said to Popper. “Let’s have you check it out, but not past that first castle. We won’t know unless we look, right? Hire some NPCs to bring along. If it turns out it’s doable, keep the mercs on the payroll, and we’ll come join you.”

“And don’t forget to bring Alice,” Alice said.

“Yeah,” I said, patting the hippocorn on the head. “And don’t forget to bring Alice.”

 “I’ll do it,” Popper said. I could tell he was more excited than he let on. “But we gotta agree now. If I go, and it turns out solving this quest or getting to the warlord is impossible, I want your word. We pack up our shit and run before it’s too late.” He held out his small hand for me to shake.

I took his hand, resigned. “Okay, it’s a deal. But you gotta promise me something, too. Two things, actually”

“What’s that?”

I pointed to my ever-present notebook on the table next to me. “I want your entire account written down.”

“Oh all right,” he said. “If I get the time. And what’s number two?”

“Don’t do anything stupid.”

He looked aghast. “I would never.”

Popper Note 1

Fuck you, Jonah. Three words in, and my hand is cramping already. This is bullshit.

My name is Elijah. My in-game name is Poppy, but don’t call me that unless you want an axe to the knee. Everyone here calls me Popper. In the real world, I’m a 43-year-old man from Pittsburgh. I am six foot two inches tall, and I weigh about 240 pounds. I have a beard. I have a hairy chest and big, meaty arms. I have a tattoo on my left arm of a grim reaper riding a springer. On my right is a tattoo portrait of my daughter, Molly. The tattoo didn’t come out that great, but that’s okay. It’s the thought that counts, right? My hands are thick and calloused from hard work. I want you to get that image in your head. When you read this shit, I want you to imagine me just like that, okay?

In this godforsaken place, I’m a 7-year-old little girl. I am blonde, and my hair is in pigtails. I try to pull the pigtails out, and they just magically reappear every time I wake up. It is maddening. My game parents were barbarians from the frozen north, but they died after their war party was killed by polar spiders or some crazy shit like that. Afterward, I was brought south to a town called Icardi in the middle of nowhere to live with my Aunt Wanda.

Wanda didn’t like me much. She worked as a barmaid at the only pub in Icardi, and I was locked in the back during her shifts. When the gnomes attacked, and they attacked like clockwork every Monday morning, she’d hide with me in the storage room. When the gnomes broke down the door, Wanda would pick me up and use me as a human shield.

But we don’t need to rehash all this old news anymore. Jonah is writing a book about our journey to Harmony. I’ll leave all the storytelling about our first few weeks here to him.

Instead, I’m going to tell you about the next few weeks of our travels, about the crazy shit that happened after Jonah took over the Dominion. I’m not the smooth wordsmith Jonah is. I can’t spell. My grammar sucks balls. My Aunt Linda once told me people curse when they speak and write because they’re too dumb to think of an appropriate word. Well let me tell you, my Aunt Linda was a bitch. She’s been dead for a millennia, and I am still here. So if you don’t like the occasional swear, I got some bad fucking news for you, pal. This is one fucked-up story, and we will need to gather up and abuse every expletive we can find to paint a proper picture of our disaster of a mission to save Sandra the Learnt from the Hobgoblin Riot.

Hold on to your hats, friends.

Popper Note 2

“This place is scary,” Alice said.

The games of the coliseum were put on hiatus for a month to mourn the loss of King Bartholomew. Larus, the acting steward, claimed there would be a great celebration in Jonah’s honor in a few weeks here in the same place. But for now, the halls underneath the coliseum were abandoned.

“This reminds Raj of the gorgon place,” Raj said. The little polecat rode behind me on Alice’s back. He trembled.

Indeed, the wide, empty room with regular columns did feel like a sewer. It smelled of must and animals. From what I’d gathered, it was supposed to be filled with cages. Where was everything?

“You missed the place we went yesterday,” I said. “Trust me, little man. This place is much better.”

I pulled up my minimap and looked for signs of life. At the far end of the room, a group of white dots appeared to be gathered in a circle. I headed toward them.

The three gorcupines sat at a round, stone table, and it appeared as if they were playing cards with a group of three humans, a pair of half-ogres, and a small rodder. All nine looked up as we approached.

“Princess Poppy,” the rodder said, jumping down from the table. The mouse-like creature seemed both surprised and embarrassed. “What are you doing here?”

I recognized the rodder as the one who manned the sign-up booth for the coliseum battles.

“Where are all the animal cages?” I asked. I hopped off Alice’s back and approached the table. It appeared they were playing Texas hold ‘em. Based on the piles of jacks in front of each player, it looked as if the largest of the gorcupines was winning.

One of the half-ogres grunted. He wore a shirt that read “Beast Handler’s Union 344.” “We set them free. No use keeping them here until the games start up again.”

The cages were filled with extremely-dangerous monsters from all over the world, from nagas to flying, scorpion-tailed pazuzu. “You set them free where?”

The two half-ogres looked at each other. “Oh, here and there,” the other one said.

“Where are the chinchillas?” Alice asked.

The half-ogre pointed up. “They’re up on the field. They keep the grass nice and cut. They don’t hurt nothing. Good security, too.”

Two of the three humans glared at me with open hostility. These were big, mean-looking men, covered in scars and tattoos. I didn’t know who they were, but I noticed their legs were shackled. I hadn’t come here for them. Instead, I turned to the three gorcupines.

“You’re Bingo, right?” I asked, indicating the largest of the three half-gorilla, half-porcupine monsters. The monster was absolutely huge, much bigger than a real-life gorilla. His spikes were flat against his back, in a resting pose, but I knew in battle he flared them out. Jonah and Gretchen had fought him and one of the others in the tournament. Alice and I had been killed in the previous round and didn’t get a chance to face them.

He stood to his full height. Alice took a step back. Raj whimpered.

“I know who you are,” Bingo said. His voice was a deep bass that commanded attention. “You are the warrior princess Poppy. I hope one day for the honor to kill you in battle.”

I’m pretty sure if I could’ve, I would’ve peed a little at that moment.

“Err, actually I’m here to talk to you. I was wondering if you’d like the opportunity to fight outside of the arena.”

What was that? Uncertainty?

“Would I be fighting alongside the king?”

“No, but it is on his orders. He has a special mission for me, and I’m putting a party together. I was hoping to hire your team. You and the other two of your kind.”

“What about us?” one of the three men asked. This man was bald with what looked like a tattoo of a ninja throwing star on his forehead. “You got room for us?”

“No,” I said. “I came here for them.”

“Stupid little bitch,” one of the other men muttered. This man had a thick, red scar down the side of his face. “We get forced to die in the arena over and over, and then they take that away and make us stay down here. We ain’t got nuttin to do but play cards with a deck that’s missing a queen and two jacks.”

I felt my eyes narrow. I knew this was a game, and I knew these were NPCs, but I also knew what type of men these were. I knew them very, very well. I remembered the list of teams from the tournament battle, and one of them was called “Death Row Cutthroats.” I knew now that’s who these guys were.

“I’m not the one who got themselves arrested,” I said. “Nor am I the one who sent you here to fight. You made your life choices. I ain’t got nothing to do with it.”

“Yeah,” Alice said.

The third of the three men had been looking down at the table most of the time, not speaking. He looked up now.

“Little girl,” he said. He was older, about fifty, with gray hair and leathery skin. The man had a sad look about him. He immediately reminded me of my father. “One of these days you’re going to realize that sometimes the consequences of this world aren’t in sync with one’s own actions. You can be a good person, or you can be a bad one, but it don’t matter one lick.”

“Shut the fuck up, Granger,” scarface said.

“What sort of party are you putting together?” Bingo asked.

I told him. I told him about the missing court cartographer, and how we knew she was in Castellane. I told him that we suspected the towers might be underpowered or completely offline.

“Why us?” Bingo asked. “This city is full of mercenaries.”

Waldo had suggested it, but I wasn’t about to explain that to him. Jonah had spent the night talking to the AI, and he’d told me about the computer’s suggestion during breakfast. “King Jonah asked for you specifically. All three of you.”

Bingo nodded. “The three of us will not be enough,” he said. “I am familiar with the hobgoblins and their tactics. If the towers are active, we will need archers and wizards and sappers.”

“What the hell is a sapper?”

“A combat engineer,” Bingo said. “They are soldiers experienced in digging and disarming traps.”

“You can’t dig in the spiral,” I said.

“You can’t dig under the walls, but you can dig in the spiral. You can dig trenches. You can dig under, around, and through the towers, which are not protected by the magic. The walls are protected; the towers are not. And you will not survive the Catacombs without an engineer, not with a small party.”

How the hell did an NPC, a random monster from the coliseum battle know so much about this sort of stuff?

“We are not going that far into the spiral. We seek the oracle in the first castle.”

Bingo seemed thoughtful. “You will still need archers and wizards in addition to my men. Plus a few more warriors and a healer.”

“So you’ll go with us? All three of you?” I asked.

“We shall go,” Bingo said. “Bring Granger as well. He is an expert with the longbow, and he is a worthy warrior. I have killed him hundreds of times, but he once put an arrow in my shoulder.”

I eyed the gray-haired human dubiously. All of the NPCs down here were unsettlingly self-aware. It made me nervous to have four of them along. They all reminded me of Yi, the moon auric who had disappeared shortly after Jonah became king.

“If Granger goes, we all go,” one of the cutthroats said. “We’re a team.”

“No,” I said. I looked at Granger. “You okay with that?”

“I am,” the man said.

I sent out party invites. The system wouldn’t let me add NPCs to the party without indicating a price. For all four of them I chose the minimum, five jacks a day. I set it up to autopay each day.

A person with a charisma of the baseline, which was ten, could hire four NPCs. They could hire an additional two for each point above that. My charisma was 17 thanks to my age bonus, which meant I could have a total of 18 NPCs in my party. With Gretchen and Jonah in the party, I could, technically, hire up to 26. Jonah, however, received a three-point debuff to his charisma whenever he picked up his sword. I wasn’t sure what would happen with that, so we’d decided not to hire more than 24 just in case. I didn’t want two of my NPCs turning on me in the middle of a battle. Alice was my pet, so she didn’t count. Raj counted as one, so with the addition of these four, it meant I could hire 19 more fighters. I intended to max it out.

NPC Bingo (Level 50, Monk, Gorcupine) has joined the party.

NPC Flaky (Level 30, Berserker, Gorcupine) has joined the party.

NPC Winston (Level 30, Berserker, Gorcupine) has joined the party.

NPC Granger (Level 35, Hunter, Human) has joined the party.

Your War Chief skill has risen from 0 to 1.

Your War Chief skill has risen from 1 to 2.

Achievement unlocked! Hire a total of five NPCs at one time.

Great, another hunter. All four of them were a higher level than me, though I knew with NPCs, it didn’t mean as much. Two of the three gorcupines were listed as berserkers, which was a subclass of barbarian, which made them the same as me.

It didn’t surprise me that Bingo was listed as a monk. That class received a bonus when they fought with their bare hands.

“This is bullshit!” tattoo-head said. He jumped to his feet. The shackles around his ankles clattered as he strained against them.

“Sit down,” Bingo said.

“No. Fuck you, Bingo. If Granger gets to go, we should be able to go too! We’re a…”

He didn’t finish. Bingo reached forward and grabbed the man by the throat and threw him bodily to the ground. He crunched hard against the concrete. He did not get up.

An NPC member of your party has committed murder!

“Damnit, Bingo!” one of the half-ogres roared. “You know who has to clean this shit up? I’m supposed to have this week off.”

“Dude, not cool,” I said. If any guards had been around, we’d all end up in jail. That’s the last thing I needed. I could just see the disapproving glare of Gretchen as she came to bail me out. “Let’s try to keep the bloodshed to a minimum until we get out to Castellane.”

“I like that guy,” Alice whispered at me, a little too loudly.

Bingo grunted and turned toward me. “When do we leave?”

Popper Note 3

In addition to the five NPCs already in my party, I decided to hire one additional member before we left. The rest would be hired in Quibou, the city on the Dominion side of the trenches. It’s where the spiral run started, and it was where Keta intended to zap us in the morning. In the old days, Quibou was filled with open-air mercenary markets, catering to the groups fixing to run the spiral. Hopefully they’d still be there.

In the meantime, I decided we needed to get a healer. She was expensive as shit—15,000 jacks a day, many times what I was paying all the others combined. But unlike the others, she was an NPC designed to be hired by players. She’d probably spent her entire digital existence sitting at that table in the merc bar, waiting for someone to come in. I set it up so she’d be paid directly from the royal treasury.

She was an auric druid, level 44, and her name was Tiatha. I went with a druid instead of a light cleric because while both classes were adept at healing and poison control, druids could also shoot bows and were decent fighters. The tradeoff was she wasn’t skilled with certain protection spells like a cleric would be. I wasn’t certain if I’d made the correct decision or not.

I figured I still might end up getting another healer in Quibou, or I’d hire a mage who could also cast some rudimentary protection spells. I would see what was available when we got there. In the meantime, Tiatha would do. She was sort of an odd duck, as my dad would say. Where Bingo and Granger were extraordinarily realistic, Tiatha was queen of the uncanny valley. She had a gruff, no-nonsense personality. I didn’t know if the game designers ever bothered to give her a backstory at all. I thought maybe she was a holdover from the very early days of the game. She just sat there and stared ahead until someone asked her something. She reminded me of those sex robots they had skulking around on Brownsville, a street in my hometown. They had those dead eyes, and it freaked me out. Err, not that I ever visited a sex robot, mind you. Even Bingo seemed unnerved by her.

But she could cast Group Heal, had a dexterity of 17, and she had a mystic point regeneration bonus. An NPC like that would be very popular in the old days. I was glad she was on the team, even if she was creepy as hell.

With the team at least partially formed, I just needed to stock up on supplies. I had multiples of healing and mystic point restoration potions, plus poison antidote, stamina, anti-paralysis, anti-insanity, barkskin, and numerous protection potions. I had my side blade, Dolly Trauma; my axe, FUD; my beetle plate armor, which was uncomfortable as shit, so I didn’t wear it unless I had to; and my new helmet. The helmet looked just like my previous one: a horned barbarian helm with a single horn lopped off. I found it in the back of a dusty, old antique shop in the armor district. It had a Feather Fall enchantment, which was really important because Alice had a tendency to throw me when we were in battle.

For accessories I had Gretchen’s watch, which she’d let me borrow just for this expedition. It imbued +1 to my magic ability and +3 to my dexterity. My second accessory was a necklace I found. It’s cool because it could only be worn by juvenile females. It was called Brandi’s Tear, and it gave me +1 to my magic ability and +1 to my strength.

I was also bringing a ton of jacks. I would only carry about 40K on me, in case I got killed—you lose half when you die. The rest would be in my bank account, which I’d have access to in Quibou if I needed it.

In addition, I replaced both Granger’s and Tiatha’s plain longbows with a simple magical one that produced unlimited arrows. Anyone who ever played an archer in this game would buy one of two items before anything else. Either a bow like these, or a magical, unlimited quiver. Ammo management was a bitch, and you could only carry so many arrows before they became too cumbersome. Tiatha took the upgraded bow with no emotion. The gruff Granger nodded appreciatively as I handed him his. I watched him practice a few shots, and he was good. Damn good. I was glad we hadn’t faced the Cutthroats in the arena battle. Bingo refused any additional supplies for himself and his team.

Tiatha cocked her head at me uncomprehendingly when I asked her if I should buy her anything else. Talking to the healer was like talking to a cat.

And with that, we were ready. I wasn’t expecting to find much when we got there, but I figured it would be good to be prepared. I pretty much assumed we’d have to complete the spiral run to get to the next stage of the quest, and that wasn’t going to happen even with a party of maxed-out soldiers, not when there were less than thirty of us. But we would get to that first castle, gather all the intel we could, and retreat. If anything, Alice and I would get a decent amount of experience.

Jonah wanted so badly for us to succeed. He was intent on saving Harmony. We all knew it wasn’t going to happen, but the damn kid was as stubborn as his donkey. That’s why I’d made him promise to give it up if we failed. I wasn’t going to throw this fight. I wanted to succeed also. But sometimes you just gotta be realistic.

I’d convinced myself that this was going to be a boring, uneventful excursion, that all this preparation was just overkill. It would be a distraction, but ultimately, fruitless. We’d get there, see it was a no-go, and we’d turn around and go home.

Holy fucking shit was I wrong.

Unknown Note 2

Molly,

Hey baby girl. It’s your birthday today. You know what’s funny? Every day is your birthday here. This game is going really, really fast, which means time out in the real world moves super slow. And out there it’s Christmas Eve. It’s been Christmas Eve the entire time I’ve been here, and it will be for the next two hundred years, according to my friend Gretchen. Remember our joke? The 24th is your special day, and the 25th is your special day, encore edition? You used to laugh so much.

Every time I look at that damn clock readout, I’m reminded that it’s your birthday, and that I’m not with you to help celebrate it.

Daddy misses you so, so much. I miss your laugh, and I miss your smile.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I missed the first five years of your life. We were together for such a short time. It’s unbearable to me that I missed the rest of your life also. Did you ever get married? Who walked you down the aisle? Did you have kids? Did the world even last long enough for you to grow old?

Did you remember me?

The not knowing is killing me. It is burning me from the inside out. I am so ashamed.

You must hate me. I don’t blame you. I hate me.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Daddy.

Popper Note 4

If one looks up the term “Clusterfuck” in the dictionary, what I’m about to tell you is going to be the new, long-form definition. Holy shit.

We met at the castle just past 11 P.M. The hobgoblin capital was nine hours ahead, and we wanted a full day ahead of us to explore the town of Quibou before we ventured into the spiral. The plan was to find an inn and stable so I could reset my regen. I would let Raj loose upon the city so he could gather up all the gossip he could soak in. Tiatha, Alice, and the two gorcupine berserkers—Winston and Flaky—would sit at the inn and stay out of trouble while Bingo, Granger, and I went out seeking new recruits.

Jonah and Gretchen met us at the gates. Keta said the spell couldn’t be cast inside the castle, so we were going to do it right there on the drawbridge. We were ready. We had all of our supplies. I’d psyched myself up well enough that I wasn’t too scared anymore. After all, I had Alice with me, and she had a way of keeping me strong. Plus nobody would ever fuck with Bingo. The dude was nine feet tall.

“Remember,” Jonah said. “Don’t put yourself in too much danger. Keep talking to us so we know you’re okay.”

“Sure thing, boss,” I said.

“Three days and 12 hours from now, so noon Harmony time,” Keta said. “Eight P.M. Castellane time. I will open the portal at the exact spot I am dropping you off. I can only keep it open for ten minutes, so don’t be late.”

I nodded. We’d decided that three and a half days was probably overkill, but it allowed for me to go into the spiral, get stuck somewhere, and wait out the bi-weekly Purge spell that would free me. If I was done earlier, I’d just have Jonah order her to come fetch me.

I mentally clicked on the clock and set up multiple alarms to warn me of when the portal would be there.

Gretchen put her hand on my shoulder. “Seriously. Be careful,” she said.

“Pfft,” I said. “I got this. Just keep an eye on my wall for me, will you? Don’t let them slack off, especially those pollywog assholes down in Georgetown.”

She kissed me on the cheek, and I felt them flush. Embarrassed, I pushed away.

“You are in the body of a human girl child, but you act like a man,” Bingo said.

I laughed. “That’s what they tell me.”

Keta pulled out the glowing, rolled parchment, unfurled it, and began to read. It took almost a full minute of her chanting for the spell to cast, which was a long time in this game. The higher level the spell, the more casting it took.

The portal opened, huge, bigger than I’d ever see before. The vertical, eye-shaped gateway blinked open. A white, cloudy mist obscured our vision of the other side.

Keta fell to her knees, sweat beading on the half-auric’s forehead. “It is open for ten minutes.”

I nodded at Jonah and Gretchen. Astride Alice, I led my group through the portal.

The only non-obelisk portals I’d ever gone through before were in a few random dungeons and the one from the spider queen quest that all noobs had to do, plus the one from the emo-tong when I’d gone to get Raj from Valisa. This was much the same. A quick stab of electricity, brighter and stronger than I’d been expecting, and it went from night to day. I sucked in a quick bout of nausea and shook my head, brushing away the sudden, disorienting cobwebs. The temperature was only slightly warmer than that of Harmony, but the sun was out, something that didn’t happen often in the rain-soaked country of Aberdeen. My face instinctively turned toward the sun, soaking in the digital warmth like a flower.

Entering Quibou.

Quibou. The small but dense town was much as I remembered, only now it wasn’t filled with massive, ambling parties of armor-clad players preparing themselves for their spiral run. The entire purpose of this town was to sell supplies for adventurers preparing to attempt the spiral.

I took a quick survey of our surroundings. We stood on the sprawling, stone walkway just south of the colossal, twin obelisks. The two towers were framed by an even larger square archway that had to stand 350 feet into the air, and it was by far the largest building on this side of the river. The arch was called The Defender’s Door, and it supposedly represented the Dominion’s power. It was mirrored about a mile and a half away, just over the bridge by a similar archway, called the Arch of Conquest, which was the only entranceway to the city of Castellane and represented the official starting doorway to the spiral run.

Keta had opened the portal at the foot of the stairs to the obelisk park. I made a mental note of the location before we wandered off. The park was flanked by two large buildings. One was a solid-looking stone stronghold, supposedly garrisoned by white jackets, though I’d never seen anyone or thing ever go in or out. On the other side was an expansive hotel that took up almost an entire block. Attached to the hotel were a line of churches. In the old days, all of the major churches were represented here. Now it was just a line of black temples of Tharon. I counted, and there were 17 of them, right in a row.

Gretchen: You guys okay?

Poppy: Looking good so far.

Gretchen: Okay. Keep us updated.

“Raj wants to stay there!” Raj said, pointing at the tall, elegant building. I’d forgotten about the hotel. The Luxuriant. I’d never stayed there because one had to have reservations, and it was expensive as shit, something like 3,000 jacks a night, which was outrageous. You had to book it months in advance. It was one of those places where they had slave girls who massaged your feet, and the food was made-up fine cuisine bullshit, like kraken roe and prime rib of Pegasus.

“We’re not staying there,” I said. “Come on everybody, follow me.” We went west, where I knew a whole street of smaller, more reasonably-priced pubs and inns stood. And just past that were the mercenary markets.

Bingo and Granger walked beside me and Alice, while the other two gorcupines, Winston and Flaky, loped several steps back. Bingo could either walk on all fours, or he could stand to his full height and walk like a human. He seemed to prefer walking on two legs, but it made him slower. Winston and Flaky remained on all fours. Tiatha the auric walked several steps back from them, bringing up the rear.

“What’s up with your two friends?” I asked, indicating the two subservient gorcupines. Both were much smaller than Bingo, only about seven feet tall each.

“What do you mean ‘what’s up?’” Bingo asked.

“I know you’re obviously their leader, but they hardly ever talk, or even look up from the ground. They’re kinda freaky.”

“They are subservient to me,” he said. “Flaky and Winston were captured the same time I was, but we are not originally from the same tribe. I am Spear Gullet Clan, and they are Bristle Clan. Bristle Clan is subservient to Spear Gullet, therefore I am their alpha, and they do not dare challenge me.”

“I guess that works out because you’re bigger and stronger than them. But what if they were bigger than you?”

Bingo grunted. “I am average-sized for Spear Gullet Clan, maybe a little small. I am not the strongest of their fighters. Flaky and Winston are the greatest warriors Bristle has to offer. If I was smaller than them, I would never have survived childhood.”

“How did you get caught then? How’d you end up in the coliseum?”

Bingo issued a low growl. I felt Alice tense up underneath me. “I remember my capture, but it was so long ago, I do not fully recall it. There were two captures, actually, but the second was voluntary.”

“Oh, really?”

“The first was when a squadron of hobgoblins raided my village in Rutogbe. The details in my mind are sparse. There must have been treacherous magic involved. They brought me here to Castellane. It is here I was brought with several of my brothers and sisters, and we were caged alongside many of the Bristle Clan. We were compelled to defend the city from the daily defenders.”

It took a moment for that to sink in.

“Wait, what? So you have been here before?” Shit, no wonder Waldo suggested I bring him.

“I assumed you knew. Where do you think the crown gets the beasts for the coliseum?”

“Well, I don’t know, I figured they went out and captured them the old-fashioned way.”

Bingo shook his big head. “Once a fortnight, the Dominion sends an army of white jackets through the spiral. They disarm the traps and destroy what towers they can. They usually do not make it far before retreating, but they capture what beasts they encounter and either bring them to the zoo in Harmony or use them for the coliseum battles. Every once in a while, a particularly talented group of white jackets will make it all the way to the Menagerie. That is where they found us. We did battle with them, and in the end I decided to willingly go with them instead of remaining a captive. They promised me and two additional fighters free passage to Harmony where I could live as a warrior and not a slave.”

“Why did you pick those guys?” I asked, indicating Flaky and Winston.

“The surviving others of Spear Gullet did not think it was honorable to leave the spiral as captives a second time. I disagreed. These two honored themselves in battle.”

“Wait,” I said, a realization dawning on me. “Does that mean your clan members are still in there? Do you think they would help us?”

Bingo grunted. I assumed that was his version of a laugh. “This is near the end of the spiral. If we attempted to speak with them, we would honorably die long before we got to the Menagerie.”

I sighed. I imagined a whole army of gorcupine warriors like Bingo would be unstoppable. A lot better than trolls, that was for sure. But he was right. If we did decide to go into the spiral, we wouldn’t dare go past the first castle, the base of the Sentinel Tower.

We came to a wide street dotted with pubs. The streets, like the rest of Quibou, were eerily empty. Still, the town wasn’t abandoned. Innkeepers stood in their doorways and watched us pass. Stable hands called out, beckoning to Alice, attempting to get us to stay at their establishment.

The last time I was here, we’d been hard-pressed to find a proper inn to spend an hour to sleep. The crowds were shoulder-to-shoulder, most waiting their turn to run the spiral. The gate opened six times a day, letting groups in. Most crowds went together, but the first few miles of the spiral encompassed multiple pathways. Sometimes smaller parties went off on their own—which was the stupidest way to do it, but also the most fun. After the first junction at the base of the infamous Sentinel Tower, everyone had to take the same path.

It seemed this area never depended on NPCs to pad the population like so many other cities. Like the nightclubs of Grandeur or the casinos of Sin, this town was a major gathering place for players. As a result, it was now almost empty.

The very last pub on this street was called The Donut Boater, whatever the hell that meant. It was just like I remembered. Filthy, smelly, cheap, and with rooms big enough to accommodate half-ogres. It would be cramped for Bingo, but there’s nothing I could do about that.

The small stable out front could only house five or six mounts. The stablehand was a young girl that looked a little too much like me. She looked me up and down as Alice clomped into the stall.

“Is that your sister?” Raj asked. The polecat had been mostly silent since we’d arrived.

“No. Now go run around town, see if anything interesting is going on. But don’t get into trouble.” The polecat nodded and zipped away into an alleyway, fast as a lightning bolt.

The eyes of the middle-aged pub owner lit up the moment I entered. Though he soured when I only bought one room. NPCs didn’t have the same energy and stamina rules as players, and I couldn’t change their regen spot. Because of this, there was no point of me paying for a room for them until the evening. And I would only do it at night to keep them out of trouble while I was asleep.

After sleeping an hour in a lumpy bed the size of a small swimming pool, I came out to the pub to find Bingo holding Granger upside down by the ankles while the other two gorillas howled with laughter. The innkeeper frowned at the antics. I had to yell at them all to calm down. Even the stoic Granger, who’d been the victim, seemed to think it was funny. Tiatha sat in the corner the whole time, nursing an ale, staring off into space.

I sat at the bar and ordered a coffee since the game wouldn’t serve me alcohol. I asked about food, but nothing would be available until dinnertime. It wasn’t quite 11 A.M. yet. As I sipped the deliciously-black drink, I eyed the innkeeper. He was a scruffy man with bags under his eyes.

“You look like my daughter,” he said. “What’s a little girl like you keeping such rough company?”

I shrugged. I pulled out a cigarette from my stash and lit it. Sometimes NPCs would acknowledge my age. Sometimes they’d treat me like they would any other adventurer. “Not many customers recently, huh?” I asked.

“No, ma’am,” he said. “Been quite the dry spell. It’s been like this for a while now. Once a month, for a time, the streets would fill with the white jackets. They’d drink their fill before going on a raid, but even that has stopped, ever since they abandoned their castle.”

“Wait, the white jackets left?” I asked. “Where did they go?”

“They went into the spiral and never came out. The remainder of the garrison, including that scary commander of theirs, came looking for them. They went into the maze and never came out either.”

This was very strange. NPC guards were always getting themselves killed in this game, but they’d always regenerate. If they hadn’t regenerated, what did that mean?

“How long ago was this?”

The man scratched his beard. “Let me see here. I reckon it was right about the time that raiding party returned from over the ocean. The hobgoblins smashed their way through town, causing an awful mess. It took us a week to rebuild. And once the rebuilding was done, the white jackets went in and never came out.”

Quest update. Missing Maps.

Soon after the hobgoblin raiding party returned from Aberdeen with Sandra the Learnt, white jacket soldiers of the king entered the spiral in hot pursuit, but they never returned. A larger, second group followed and also disappeared. Proceed to the white jacket stronghold and look for clues.

I missed having Jonah and Gretchen with me to bounce ideas off of. Despite having a large party, I’d never felt this alone in my life. The loneliness came on me suddenly and unexpectedly with the quest notification, and I wasn’t sure why.

“Have the hobgoblins done anything else weird lately?” I asked.

The innkeeper’s eyes went glassy for a moment.

“Yes,” he said. “Thousands upon thousands of them marched away from the city. It seemed as if it was all the hobgoblin warriors in the world. The lines of them marched past for what seemed like days. It appeared they were destined for war. I heard they entered a giant portal that led them across the ocean and are now pillaging their way toward Harmony. A few weeks later, even more left the city, perhaps reinforcements. If any hobgoblins remain in Castellane, there can’t be too many.”

“Hmm,” I said, thinking hard.

I needed more information. The quest said we had to go to the white jacket headquarters, which was right by our portal. But first we needed to hire some more bodies. I had a ton of jacks burning a hole in my pouch, and I intended on spending them.

Popper Note 5

I was worried the mercenary markets would be barren, but I needn’t have. Bingo, Granger, and I set out on our mission to hire a crew. I wasn’t fully convinced we needed to hire a huge crew to run the spiral, but I decided we’d better. The first leg of the 25-mile run was fairly tame, but I didn’t want to be surprised.

I left Alice in the stables and everyone else in the pub with explicit orders to behave themselves. Bingo threatened to twist the arm off of anyone who disobeyed me. The market stood only one block over. We rounded the corner and came upon the long street, bustling and buzzing with activity. I sighed with relief.

The market was a mix of open-air mercenary arcades and large union halls for more specialized classes. While the market was large, it was far from the biggest of such places in the game. Players would often hire tanks to surround themselves for the spiral run, but not much more than that. The towns outside the labyrinth dungeons of Tigrera and Baluza had much larger markets. Those dungeons were for more serious players in search of deep, arcane loot. Running the spiral was similar to storming the beach in the Blast quest. It was more of an attraction, a roller coaster ride. People didn’t need to hire NPCs for that, as it was mostly a waste of money. Except in rare circumstances, you were going to die anyway. A whole army of mercenaries wasn’t going to stop that.

The warrior arcade took up the entire north side of the street. Massive, armored fighters encased in steel milled about, talking with each other, sparing in fighting pits while NPCs looked on and shouted encouragement. The whole street stank of sweat and metal and testosterone.

“Okay,” I said to Bingo and Granger. “We need to find some plain-old cannon fodder, front-line tanks. Then some archers, and I will try to find a mage. Also, if we can find some of those…what the hell did you call them?”

“Sappers. Combat engineers,” Bingo said.

“Yeah, some of those,” I said, “We probably won’t need them, but I might pick a couple up if they’re not too expensive. Remember, we can hire 19 more NP… err, mercenaries. I want eight of them to be damage takers, six or seven of them to be archers, at least one but hopefully two of them—if we can afford it—to be magic users, and of those, one of them has to be a decent healer and magic defender. That leaves three or four spots, depending on our mage situation. We’ll try to find a squad of these sappers.”

“Very well,” Bingo said. “Where do we start?”

“I want you to go over there,” I said, pointing toward the wide, north side of the street, “and scope it out for me. See if there are any fighters you think will be suitable. Granger, you go with him and check out the archers. Meanwhile, I’ll be over there.” I nodded to an ornate, black building on the south side of the market. The gaudy railings leading up to the massive door appeared to be wrought out of solid gold. I sighed. This game, for whatever reason, made magic-using NPCs insanely expensive. Their personalities usually matched their high price tags. And this garish building was the one and only place to hire a mage in this city.

I left the others and approached the building, pushing my way through the double doors into the brightly-lit room. I felt a quick buzz of electricity course through me as several protection and identification spells and charms determined if I would be allowed to enter the room. About forty pairs of eyes turned to face me.

Entering the Mages For Hire Union Hall.

You’ve been grappled! You may not wield a weapon in this location.

You’ve been muzzled! You may speak, but you may not cast spells in this location.

You’ve been obstructed! Your magic items will not work in this location.

I felt the dexterity bonus from my watch and the strength from my necklace leave me. I shivered.

I examined the crowd. Most of them were either human or auric, both the dark-skinned moon aurics and the pale, albino-like common aurics. A smattering of most of the other common mage races filled corners of the large room. Polecats and rodders, a pair of goblins, and even a texugo sat staring at me. A pair of dwarves stood with a group of humans. I didn’t see any half-ogres, though that wasn’t too unusual. I didn’t see any emo-tong, either, which was unusual, as their high defense and magic ability made them perfect for this sort of thing. The emo-tong had abandoned Harmony. Had they also abandoned the rest of the Dominion?

I also was surprised to see a single astound sitting by himself in one corner. The large rock golems were a playable race only in the earliest versions of this game, and they’d gotten rid of them long before the most current incarnation of Dominion of Blades. The massive rock creatures could still be found throughout the world as NPCs, mostly in places where one would expect to find giant, eight-foot-tall rock giants.

“Are you lost, little girl?” a human asked. He was a tall man, appearing to be about 35 years old. The guy looked like he was taken straight out of central casting for a rich, blonde-haired, blue-eyed 80’s movie bad guy. All he needed was a cardigan tied around his shoulders to complete the look. He had that smug, I’m-a-mage-so-I’m-better-than-you smirk on his face. It was the same look those assholes whose parents bought them BMWs in high school and paid lawyers to get them out of date rape charges had. I imagined the guy’s name was Brock or Winthrop. I had an instant, visceral dislike to him.

“I’m looking to hire a mage, possibly two,” I said, raising my voice so the entire room could hear. “I need a good offensive mage but someone who is also adept at Magic Shield and Group Heal. Preferably someone who can also cast Antidote and Anti-Paralysis as well.”

“You’re in the wrong place, kid,” the man said. Jesus, even his voice irritated me. “If you want all those, you need either a light cleric or a druid.”

“I already have a druid,” I said. “I’m looking for a mage who can also cast all of those.”

“I can do all that,” an auric said from a table near the back of the room. He stood and approached.

“It doesn’t work that way,” the human said, holding up his hand. The auric stopped. “You see, in this hall we have rules. If someone comes and wants to hire a mage, they need to hire the person at the front of the line. And I’m the guy at the front of the line.” A low murmuring rose in the room.

I would rather pull my own kidney out with a spork than have this guy in my party. “Listen, what’s your name?”

The human mage smirked and stood a little straighter. “My name is—”

“Actually, I don’t care what your name is. I’m just going to call you Asshole McFuckface. How’s that?”

Rage flashed across the man’s face. “No, you listen here, child. You—”

“Shut up,” I said. I turned to the auric, who stood uncertainly, looking back and forth between me and Asshole McFuckface. “How much do you charge?”

“Okay, kid, if you’re not going to follow the rules, then I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” Asshole McFuckface said.

“What’re you going to do? Make me?” I said. “You and I both know you can’t cast magic in here. I have been hiring mercenaries for years, and I’ve never seen such a stupid rule. It doesn’t even make sense. All of you guys have different abilities. You know what I think? I think you guys have been sitting here so long waiting for someone to come in here that your little hamster wheel of a brain came up with this ridiculous system knowing that you’d be the first to be hired. Well guess what? I’m not playing that game.”

I pointed toward the auric. “You interested? I can’t guarantee you job security, but it will be glorious.”

The auric looked over his shoulder at the others then nodded. “I am normally 30,000 jacks a day. But for you, I will charge 21,000.”

“Make it 18,000, and I’ll hire you right now for a guaranteed two days.”

Your Mercenary Negotiating skill has risen from 3 to 4.

“Done,” the auric said.

“No,” Asshole McFuckface said, stomping his foot so hard it sounded like a gunshot. “No, no, no! Don’t you accept, Nale. Guard! Guard!”

“Oh gods, Pritford. Why do you wail so much?” A new voice said. It came from the astound, who turned out to be female. She stood to her full eight feet, shorter than Bingo but a bit larger than a half-ogre. “Leave the kid alone. And let Nale take the gig. He’s been waiting just as long as you.”

Pritford? What kind of stupid name was that?

Quest Update. <ERROR #43321 Quest Concatenation. Support has been notified.>

…

Please Wait…

Quest Update. Missing Maps. An unusual mage has appeared in the Mages For Hire Union Hall. Hire the astound to find how she might be important.

I looked over at the rock creature, astonished at the sudden and unexpected notification.

Before I could puzzle out the weird error message, Pritford stormed up to me and put his hand on my shoulder, as if preventing me from leaving. I tried to shoulder away, but his grip was iron strong. “I don’t even think this child should be allowed to wander around on her own! Where is that lazy guard? Guard!”

“What the hell, dude? Let go of me!” I said.

A dwarf carrying a spiked club yawned as he ambled into the room. He was an older dwarf with a bald head. He reminded me of a grumpier and fatter Hemshin from Icardi. The fact the dwarf carried a weapon suggested he was immune to the spells protecting this place. “Pritford, what is it this time?” the guard asked. He paused at the sight of me. “What’s this?”

“We have an intruder,” Asshole McFuckface aka Pritford said. “This child wandered in from the street and won’t leave.”

“Where’s your mommy, little girl?” the guard asked, leaning forward.

“My mommy was eaten by ice spiders,” I said. “I am here to hire a mage with very specific skills, but pignut here won’t let me.”

Pritford still clutched my shoulder, and he tightened his grip.

“You got money?” the guard asked.

I nodded.

The guard turned to Pritford. “It appears she’s a client.”

Pritford stood straighter. “Tell her she must hire the next in line, or she can’t hire anyone at all.”

The guard cleared his throat. “Well,” he huffed. “Little miss. We got rules, you see.”

“Fuck that,” I said. “First off, I wouldn’t hire this jackhole even if he was a water mage and my ass was on fire. Second, I need specific skills. Skills that this guy,” I pointed to the auric, “has. What was your name? Nale?”

“Yes,” Nale said.

“I want him. And I want her, too.” I pointed to the astound.

“What?” Pritford squeaked. “Her? Well, you can’t take her. The astound shouldn’t even be here! She’s at the very end of the line. She’s the reason we came up with these rules in the first place. She barely got here. Hasn’t even barely waited, not like the rest of us.”

“How long ago did she get here?” I asked, intrigued.

Pritford ignored my question, but he continued to rant. “She’s not even a mage. She’s a rock singer. A gravel thaumaturge. Worse than a hedge wizard. Once my father returns, I’m certain he’ll kick her out. He’ll be back any day now. When he returns, he’ll set things right.”

I’d never heard of a rock singer before.

“What does a rock singer do?” I asked the astound.

“I sing to rocks,” the astound said. “I sing to them, and they dance for me.”

“So you can move rocks?”

“Stop talking!” Pritford said, his voice raising an octave. “You deal with me!”

I turned to the guard. “Man, I just want to hire a couple mages. Can you get this guy out of my face?”

“Technically,” the guard said with a heavy sigh, “Pritford is in command. His father is the union master here, but he’s out on a quest, and he left Pritford in charge. He makes the rules.”

I had an idea. “Oh all right,” I said. “What if I hire all three of you? Will that work?”

Pritford beamed. The man trembled with excitement. “This is highly unusual. Neither the auric nor the astound are next in line after me. But I suppose I can make an exception. Very well. Now, I charge 85,000 jacks a day. That plus the 18,000 you already negotiated—”

“No,” I said, interrupting. “I will pay 35,000 a day for all three of you.” I looked at the astound and the auric. “Is that okay with you?”

The large rock monster shrugged. After a moment, the auric also nodded.

Pritford sputtered. “35,000 for all three of us? Surely you jest! I am a fire mage. Do you know how valuable that is? My skills alone are worth…”

“30,000 a day,” I said.

Your Mercenary Negotiating skill has risen from 4 to 5.

The guard laughed.

“You want to leave this room?” I said. “I know how long you’ve been sitting here waiting. And you know what? The moment I leave, you’re never going to see another customer again. This is your only chance. Take the deal, or don’t. If you don’t, I’m going to walk out of here and just hire some druids or clerics. And every second you wait, the amount I’m going to give you goes down by a thousand. Now I’m at 29,000. Now it’s 28,000.”

“Okay, okay,” Pritford said. “Deal.”

I sent out party invites.

NPC Pritford (Level 44, Fire Mage, Human) has joined the party.

NPC Nale (Level 67, Arcanist, Auric) has joined the party.

NPC Spritz (Level 1, Rock Singer, Astound) has joined the party.

“Level 1? Weird.” I asked. What the hell was this thing? I looked over the spells she could cast, and I didn’t recognize a single one of them. Rock Hound? Rolling Stone? I’d have to spend some time later figuring out what she could do. And what did that have to do with Sandra the Learnt?

As for the auric, I should have known he was an arcanist. What other mage specialty could possibly know all those spells? Arcanists, experts in the study of magic itself, could learn and cast almost every possible spell, but the spells were something like 20 to 50% less effective. It sounded cool, but it was a stupid class. All the arcanists I’d ever met were underpowered cannon fodder whose shitty protection spells would shatter the moment someone sneezed on them. Thankfully this guy had a decent level which would offset some of that.

But all of that had to wait. I made a cursory examination of Pritford’s skills.

He appeared to be a powerful fire mage. He could cast Fireball and Raining Blood, both of which were badass spells, especially Raining Blood. I sighed. Oh well.

I opened the party menu and scrolled to the NPC screen. The system had allocated 27,900 jacks a day to Pritford, 95 a day to Nale the auric, and five a day to Spritz the astound.

“Did you guys agree to this payment split?” I asked, surprised.

Nale frowned. He did not look pleased. “It matters not. The union gets the entirety of one’s first assignment.”

His Royal Majesty Jonah: What the hell is a rock singer? Is that some sort of bard?

Gretchen: That is odd. I can’t examine its properties from here. What can it do?

I’d forgotten Gretchen and Jonah were still in my party.

Poppy: I don’t know yet. Did you see that weird notification? And what was up with that error? She was at the mage union. See if you can find anything about them.

Gretchen: Will do. So you decided to go with three mages?

Poppy: Hold my beer.

Gretchen: What?

Scrolling through the menu, I found the section I wanted.

Are you sure? Yes/No?

I clicked Yes.

NPC Pritford (Level 44, Fire Mage, Human) has been fired!

NPC Pritford (Level 44, Fire Mage, Human) has left the party.

Popper Note 6

The screaming faded as the heavy door of the mage union closed behind us. I’d had to pay a full day’s wages, but it was worth every damn jack. Besides, I’d somehow managed to score the other two for a mere 100 jacks a day, and neither of them seemed to care. I didn’t expect to have them with me for very long, but at that price, I could afford to keep them indefinitely if I needed to.

Bingo and Granger waited for me in the middle of the street.

“Bingo, Granger. Meet Nale and, uh, Spritz.”

The NPCs all stared at each other, nobody talking or introducing themselves. I sighed. It didn’t matter how realistic they made these guys, every once in a while they’d do something to remind me I was the only real person here.

“Did you find anything of interest?” I asked Bingo.

He grunted. “There’s not a single warrior amongst them I couldn’t defeat in battle. But there are some worthy fighters. Many half-ogres are available who meet your requirements.”

“I found a group of competent archers,” Granger added. “They’re triplets, and you can have them all for a single price. But if you want to hire them, there’s a catch.”

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s hire some fighters first. We need to go over to the white jacket stronghold, and I suspect we’ll need some muscle with us. After we figure out what’s going on there, we’ll come back and look at archers and sappers.”

I needed to fill up my party as soon as possible, but it wasn’t a good idea to have too many NPCs in an indoor dungeon, which is what the White Jacket stronghold was going to be. Archers tended to get themselves killed indoors, and I didn’t want to hire a bunch only to have to come back here and hire someone else. The spiral with a linear path was one thing, but grinding an honest-to-goodness dungeon with a party of trigger-happy dumbasses was going to be a nightmare. I needed to be able to manage the group. Besides, if I had too many NPCs with me, it would dilute the experience pool too much.

We hired four half-ogres, all plain-old fighters. All four of the lumbering warriors wore full plate armor with reinforced chest plates and helms. Their armor glowed with anti-piercing enchantments, which would help us get through the first length of the spiral. Three wielded swords and carried substantial shields. The fourth wielded a heavy maul that glowed with a Knockback enchantment. The cylindrical head of the giant weapon was the size of a garbage can.

Poppy: Raj, are you doing okay?

Raj: Raj is fine! Raj is making many new friends! Raj visited the river! There are no shells there, but I got some good sand!

The kid’s obsession with shells and sand was weird as shit, but who was I to judge? My mom had collected ceramic teddy bears dressed as clowns and my old man had collected the centerfold posters in old nudie magazines. Come to think of it, it was a lot more normal than most.

Poppy: Okay, we are heading back to The Donut Boater. Meet us there.

Ten minutes later, we all stood in the empty street.

“Raj,” I said. “Have you heard anything about the white jackets?”

The little polecat was fascinated with Spritz the astound. The furry little ferret kept touching the rock giant’s leg. Spritz grimaced with mild annoyance, but she didn’t shoo the boy away.

“Yes,” Raj said after a moment, backing away from the giant. “They are all gone! Their castle is empty.”

“Is that all you know?”

“No. They say something icky and spooky has moved into the castle.”

“Do you know what?”

“Raj does not know! Raj does not want to know!”

As I suspected. I’d completed dozens of those investigate-why-they-abandoned-the-outpost quests over the years, and it always ended up being the same thing. The place crawled with monsters. “Okay, little buddy. You go talk to your friends some more. I don’t want you going in there with us.”

Without another word, Raj scurried off back into town.

“Okay, guys,” I said, talking to the group as we walked the two blocks over back to the white jacket stronghold. We were 13 total. Me and Alice, Granger, Bingo and his two gorcupines, Tiatha the druid, Spritz the astound, Nale the arcanist, and the four half-ogres. “I want two of the half-ogres walking point, followed by Winston and Flaky. Then me and Bingo. I want Nale and Tiatha behind me, ready with protection and healing in case anything attacks. Then Spritz and Granger, and then two more half-ogres holding up the rear. It’ll be good practice for when we probe the spiral. If we get surrounded, healers and Granger in the middle. Everybody got it?”

Everyone mumbled their assent. I spent some time looking at Spritz’s skills, and almost all of them seemed useless in battle. However, we could really use someone like her back in Harmony. She could build walls and move rocks with her mind. It seemed one of her spells allowed her to actually move buildings around. I suspected similar mages were likely spread about in union halls around the world. We’d been building up the city the hard way, hiring mobs of laborers to repair the walls brick-by-brick. The existence of Spritz, using a class and magic I’d never heard of, suggested she was added to the game when the city-building aspect had been added. I told Gretchen and Jonah what I’d found so far, and they agreed.

Gretchen: I will go look tonight to see if any more of these things are in the union halls here. Be careful in that stronghold.

Poppy: Yes, mom.

A red sign in front of the white jacket stronghold read, “Closed! The commander is not in! Do not enter on pain of death by order of the Dominion Crown!” The wide, white-washed double doors stood at least fifteen feet high. I eyed the arrow slits surrounding the entrance nervously as the front line of our party approached.

The lead half-ogre, an especially ugly guy named Critical, ripped the sign off the wall. His companion, the maul-wielding half-ogre, was named Vern. Vern swung his maul wide and smashed against the oak door of the white jacket stronghold. The thwump! echoed across the empty causeway. The door didn’t budge. He grunted with annoyance and tried again. And again.

“Yo, dude!” I called up to him.

Vern paused and looked at me.

“Did you check to see if it was locked?”

Vern and Critical looked at each other, and Critical leaned forward and pressed the latch. With a loud groan, the big door pushed open.

“Christ on a cracker,” I muttered as we filed up the stairs and into the stronghold.

I wasn’t worried that the larger members of the party, namely Bingo and Spritz, wouldn’t be able to get through the hallways. Governmental buildings tended to be extra large to accommodate half-ogres, who usually stood only a couple feet shorter than Bingo. However, I was worried Alice’s wide bulk would make it difficult for us to explore. One didn’t usually bring their mount with them on inside quests. I’d bring her for now, but I suspected I’d have to leave her to fend for herself soon.

Entering the White Jacket Garrison at Quibou.

This is a hidden dungeon!

Achievement unlocked! Find a hidden dungeon.

This is a public dungeon. You have no time limit to complete this area.

This dungeon is rated expert difficulty.

“Shit,” I muttered. Expert difficulty meant dangerous monsters. My level of 20 was still much too low to go into a place like this. If I didn’t have such a large party surrounding me, I’d be dead for certain. I took a deep breath. This is what you’re here for.

We stood in a large, ornate entranceway made of marble. The arched ceiling had to stand at least twenty feet high. A simple, empty desk sat near the door. A thick coating of dust covered everything. Multiple suits of decorative armor lined the walls, and at the end of the room, twin doors led into the interior of the stronghold. Interior scaffolding surrounded the walls above us as we entered, giving defenders a spot to stand and fire through the arrow slits. Against the far, tall wall, a battered, twenty-foot tapestry depicted the now-dead King Bartholomew. Even in tapestry form, the fantasy version of Bart Hughes, the original creator of the game, seemed morose. Rumors persisted that Hughes, who had suffered from severe depression most of his life, had killed himself, crashing his own airplane on purpose. Whomever had designed the tapestry did a good job depicting a deep, inner sadness.

This room appeared to have been abandoned for a long time.

Alice issued a low growl. “I smell bad things in here,” she said.

Bingo grunted. “She is correct. This smell is unfamiliar to me.”

I suddenly felt very exposed, and I realized I, stupidly, hadn’t donned my armor yet. I removed my Viking helm, plopped it on Alice’s head, and pulled the beetle breastplate from my bag. I pulled the light but awkward armor over my shoulders. I felt the speed enhancement take effect. The spiked, chitinous armor also imbued Damage Reflect, though I found out the hard way it only worked with physical damage, not magical. The armor itched terribly, and I didn’t like wearing it, but I could wear it over my dress and slip it on and off easily. I slapped my helmet back on, and the now-familiar lightness of the helmet’s Feather Fall enchantment took hold. I clutched my battle axe in my hands.

“Where’s my armor?” Alice asked.

“I didn’t bring it,” I said.

“What? Why?” she asked, sounding dejected.

“I told you why. It doesn’t fit in my bag, and you can’t just wear it everywhere. You can barely walk in that stuff.”

Alice looked like she was about to cry. “But I like wearing it.”

I patted her on the side. “I’m sorry. Maybe next time.”

“What are we looking for?” Bingo asked.

I read the quest again, and it said simply, “look for clues.” I remembered how Gretchen had figured out how Sandra the Learnt was a polecat and not a human. This quest was part of a world event, so whatever we were looking for, it would probably be something subtle. I wasn’t too good at subtle, but I was the only one here, and I had to try.

“Look for anything out of the ordinary,” I said. The innkeeper had mentioned the commander, so maybe whatever the hell we were looking for was in there. “See if we can find the office of the commander.”

We moved forward, a loud, clanking line of armor. With the half-ogres and gorcupines in the party, we’d never be able to sneak up on anything. Two sets of doors sat against the far hallway. After inspecting both, it appeared the left door led to both up and down stairs, and the right door led forward into the next hall. This next hall was barely wide enough for Bingo.

“No,” Alice said, anticipating what I was about to say. “Don’t leave me alone in here.”

“I have a very important job for you,” I said, sliding off Alice’s back.

“No,” she repeated, stomping her foot. “I can fit through there.”

I nodded at the hallway. “Yes, you probably can fit. But you can’t turn around, and if we’re attacked, we’d be sitting ducks. Listen, Alice. I’m leaving you here with Spritz. I want you two to guard our backs. If you see anything, message me.”

“No, no, no!” she repeated, her voice rising. Then, a whisper. “I don’t think Spritz likes me.”

I rubbed the side of her massive, purple head. She nuzzled me, her eyes pleading. “You will be fine. See all the dust in this room? It means nothing has come in here in a long time. I just need you to make sure our escape is clear.”

“I’ll be fine, but what about you?”

Spritz put a heavy, granite-like hand on Alice’s rump, causing her to jump with surprise. “Come on, pretty girl. Let’s let Popper and the boys have their fun while we keep them safe, okay?”

I gave Spritz a thankful smile. Alice grumbled as she and Spritz returned to near the entranceway of the room.

“Go on, then,” I said to Vern and Critical, and the two half-ogres stamped into the next hall, the rest of us following.

“I’m a girl. I know how to have fun,” Tiatha said, startling all of us. It was the first time the druid had ever said anything without first being asked.

“Okay then,” I said. “Let’s go.”

If this area followed the pattern of most dungeons, we’d soon meet a monster that would set the tone for the rest of the building. This hall led to a series of doorways, and after a quick inspection, it became clear this area was used for training and feeding the white jackets. A cursory glance at a few closets found stores of food, mostly the tasteless traveler’s biscuits. I grabbed a handful and stuffed them into my bag. The cafeteria seemed to be nothing but a featureless room with long tables and chairs, and the training area appeared to be bereft of equipment save a few nicked-up training dummies.

The cooking area just past the cafeteria held more interest.

The place was trashed. While everything we’d seen so far appeared abandoned and neglected, this was the first room we’d found with signs of post-abandonment life. It appeared a fight had occurred here. Several cast-iron pots lay scattered, and a chopping block had fallen on its side. Dark bloodstains covered the walls and counters.

The food stores were ransacked. The wooden crates with the Dominion royal stamp had been ripped open, and scattered rice grains and dried-out husks of corn crunched underfoot as we walked.

“There are footprints,” Granger said after a moment, pointing to a faded area in the dust.

I squatted down to examine them. They were odd prints, round with three, large toes. Almost duck-like. If the feet were any indication, the monster was about human-sized. Granger kneeled beside me. I summoned Tiatha over to also take a look. If anyone could identify the creature from the odd footprints, it would be either the hunter or the druid.

“Can you tell what this is?”

“No,” Tiatha replied. She stood and returned to her position.

“It is light on its toes,” Granger said. “There are at least five of them, probably more.” He pointed to the back of the kitchen. “They sneaked up on their prey there, a dwarf. Probably the cook, who may have been the only one remaining while the others were in the spiral. A battle ensued, and the cook got a few good bonks in before being killed there.” He indicated the blood on the wall.

I nodded, examining the blood on the wall and the bloody frying pan. This was all game setup. We were meant to find this scene here. Blood and gore didn’t normally last beyond the 24 hours or so after something was killed. The skeleton would persist for many days, a week or more, but after a while, it would turn to dust the moment someone or something touched it.

“See the shape of the footprint?” Granger continued. “This is no manner of creature I’ve ever come across, but it has webbed feet. It is an aquatic creature.”

That was odd. A large river separated Quibou from Castellane, but it stood a good half mile away, and this stronghold was in the middle of the town.

“Okay,” I said, standing. “Let’s keep moving.”

We didn’t find anything else of interest on the first floor. The entire place appeared to have been cleared out. The second and third floor was much the same. A large barracks stood abandoned, with nothing left but mattresses and linens. Footlockers stood at the end of each bunk, and we spent some time popping them open and sifting through the contents. Most contained clothes and the occasional jack. I looted a total of 46 jacks and a small knife that glowed with an unidentified enchantment. A few officer’s quarters stood locked, and we bashed the doors in. These rooms contained finer items, including an enchanted ring I also pocketed. Most of the other items were either silver or gold. Valuable, but not enchanted. I took a pair of gold candlesticks that I thought would be worth the most, but I left the rest. I didn’t have the pack space to take everything.

It didn’t appear as if the commander’s room was on this floor.

All that was left to explore was the basement. After checking on Alice, who appeared to be regaling Spritz with the story of the tournament battle against the chinchillas, we entered the wide stairwell leading down.

“Shit,” I said the moment darkness surrounded us. I’d forgotten torches. I was going to have to run to the store and pick some up. “We need light.” Way to be prepared, dumbass.

“I got this,” Nale said. The auric arcanist muttered a few words, and an odd yellow light filled the passage, giving everyone a jaundiced appearance.

“How long will it last?” I asked, trying to keep the uncertainty from my voice.

“Uh, I should be able to keep this up for a long time,” the auric said. The light flickered ominously. “As long as I don’t have to cast anything else, that is.”

We proceeded down the steps. I immediately sensed danger. The air felt much warmer and humid. A sound of something—distant splashing, maybe?—wafted toward us.

“Be careful,” I called down to Vern and Critical. “There’s something…”

Critical was dead before I finished the sentence.

Several things happened at once.

The moment the two half-ogres hit the landing, four creatures jumped out of the shadows at them. Small compared to the half-ogres, the turtle-like demons moved incredibly fast. They walked upright on two legs, but each of them sported a large, dark turtle shell. Their beaked faces were almost avian, and the four beasts slashed out with long, dripping claws at the half-ogres. They’re like human-sized Gameras from the Godzilla movies, I thought. I’d never seen anything like them before. One of them caught Critical across the waist, and the half-ogre crumpled like a sack of rocks. Vern reacted at the last possible moment, parrying with his large maul. He pushed his two attackers away, but not before he’d been slashed savagely across his exposed neck. He fell to his knees, not quite dead.

NPC Critical (Level 58, Warrior, Half-ogre) has died!

At the same time, Bingo, who stood just to my left on the stairs, roared so loudly, my vision flashed red as I took a small amount of damage.

“Holy fuck, Bingo.”

He flared out his meter-long spines as he leaped off the stairs, sailing over the top of Winston and Flaky and landing next to Vern. As he leaped, one of his javelin-like spines raked its away across my exposed arm. Pain erupted.

You’ve been poisoned!

Damage taken! Damage taken!

“Goddamnit, Bingo!” I cried as I fell to my knees.

You’ve been cured of poison!

You’ve been healed!

Achievement unlocked! Be cured of poison!

Achievement unlocked! Be healed by a member of your party!

Tiatha had cured me, super quick. I saw Vern glow slightly with enchantment, and the now-healed half-ogre struggled to get onto his feet as Winston and Flaky belatedly entered the fray. An arrow ripped past my ear from behind as Granger shot into the shadows below. Behind, the two additional half-ogres roared with frustration as they tried to shoulder their way forward past us.

Several more of the creatures emerged, roaring strangely as they rushed forward out of the darkness. These monsters were fast. Their beaked mouths and flat heads made them look oddly like wrinkled old men. These creatures had bowls on their heads, I realized, filled with a splashing liquid. They kept their necks oddly straight, as if they were afraid to spill the contents of their head bowls.

I popped open my magic menu, hovered over Stun Enemy, one of only three spells I knew, and I cried out, casting the spell.

“Ooompff.” I faceplanted, falling down the stairs mid-cast as the two half-ogres pushed past me to get to the action. I took additional damage as an ogre stomped hard on my back. I felt my breastplate crack ominously. The half-ogre who’d stepped on me howled in pain as my armor’s Damage Reflect stung him back.

Warning! Your spell did not cast!

Superior Colossus Beetle Hide Breast Plate has broken! Enchantments deactivated!

“God damn you cunt-fucking, worthless stains of skunk chowder,” I cried.

You’ve been healed!

Bingo and the other two gorcupines were gone. They’d rushed down the hall, roaring into the darkness. I didn’t know if the gorcupines could see in the dark or not. The walls shook as they crashed about, ripping apart all of the turtle demons or whatever else they could find.

I took in the scene at the bottom of the stairs as I gingerly pulled myself to my feet. I couldn’t tell how many of the creatures there had been. A turtle arm hung from the ceiling, impaled by a pair of Bingo quills, like a bug on a science fair project. Pieces of turtle shell littered the floor, like broken crockery.

The three half-ogres looked at me expectantly. They all wanted to rush ahead and help the gorcupines. This was already out of hand.

“Stay put,” I said. They started to howl in protest.

I couldn’t take my eyes off the carnage. Bingo had literally gone apeshit. Holy cow. I couldn’t believe Jonah and Gretchen had defeated him in the tournament. More roars and crashing followed as I peeled off my useless breastplate. I’d try to get it repaired in town.

I heard the distinctive thwump of a spell being cast, and I knew it hadn’t come from Bingo and company.

Poppy: Bingo. Get your ass back here. Do not go ahead alone. Do not fight whatever that is.

Gretchen: What’s going on? What’s happening?

Poppy: Now is not the best time.

“Popper! Popper!” Alice called from the top of the stairs. “I hear fighting! I’m coming down!”

Holy shit. “It’s okay,” I called back. “Stay there. Do not come down here!”

NPC Flaky (Level 30, Berserker, Gorcupine) has died!

“Goddamn you, Bingo! You and Winston get your asses back here now!” I roared.

A moment later, Bingo and Winston emerged from the dark hall. Winston collapsed next to the disemboweled Critical. The gorcupine looked sick. A blinking exclamation mark by his name confirmed he’d been hit with some sort of abjuration spell, something that siphoned off his health. Great, a fucking vampire or necromancer of some sort. Tiatha cast a healing spell on him before he could die. The curse didn’t go away, but it stopped blinking on its own after a minute. She healed him again.

“Damnit, Bingo,” I said. “You probably activated every creature on the damn floor.”

“Every turtle creature on the floor is dead. However, there is a worthy opponent in the last room down the hall. It killed Flaky with a spell. I could not see it in the low light. I believe it is a demon of some sort. Do you wish me to attack it again?”

“No,” I said. “Jesus, let me think for a second.”

Our first encounter, and two of my party were dead, including one of the NPCs I hauled with me from Harmony. He’d regenerate back at the Harmony coliseum in two or three days. I’d have to replace him with another warrior from the market.

Whatever that was that had killed Flaky, it didn’t pursue them back here. It was likely the floor’s boss, guarding something of value.

I surveyed the damage once again. The room looked as if someone had tried to make salsa in a blender with no top.

I turned back to the others and grimaced. “So, that went well.”

Popper Note 7

Granger and I inspected the remains of a turtle creature. Granger’s Identify Creature skill was an intermediate level of 10. Tiatha had the same skill, but hers was only seven.

“I’ve never seen this manner of monster before,” Granger said. His eyes went glossy for a moment. “I do not know its name, but I can identify where it comes from. This is of Orochi origin.”

“Orochi?” I said. “Holy shit. Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Granger said.

“I’ve never heard of monsters from there showing up off the islands.”

Granger shrugged. “I haven’t, either. But here they are.”

Not too many players ever leveled up high enough to travel to the islands of Japan—the country of Orochi in the game. I’d watched plenty videos of level 90 tanks wading onto one of the Orochi islands, only to get devoured or cut to shreds or turned into a skeletal husk just a few short minutes later. Orochi was a land of pure chaos. Large parties of power players would do Orochi raids for the valuable loot, but it was known as one of the most dangerous places in the game, second only to maybe the center of Africa or one of the domed, under-ocean cities. Demons and ghosts and powerful necromancers ruled Orochi. The only part of the country normal players could ever visit were the ports, and even then they couldn’t wander too far inland. The only city someone sub level 50 could ever visit was a place called Sugisaki—home of the weekly kaiju attack. I knew Sugisaki was an analog for the old capital of Japan, the now-drowned city of Tokyo.

I’d never seen or heard of Orochi monsters being transported off the islands. Even in places like the spiral or the tournament battle where one would fight creatures from around the world, it was unheard of to see these things. Why were they here now? How did they get here?

“You said we are looking for unusual things,” Bingo said. “This is unusual, is it not?”

“Damn straight it is.”

I told Gretchen and Jonah what had happened, though I left out the part of me losing complete control of the party. And getting trampled by one of my own guys.

Gretchen: This doesn’t make sense. Are you sure these are monsters from Orochi?

Poppy: Granger says they are. His skill level is high enough to know.

Gretchen: Hmm. If they’ve gotten past the protection, then maybe the whole spell has been broken. But how would they get from Japan to France?

Poppy: Spell? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Gretchen: Don’t you remember? You never see monsters from Orochi because the islands are protected with a containment spell. There’s some harebrained story explaining it. They didn’t want high-level characters capturing the expert-difficulty monsters and then setting them loose in Aberdeen on the noobs. Especially not monsters that can imbue curses.

I smiled, remembering the time Monobrow Sam, Ricky, and I had captured about twenty snaggle-snorts, a sort of wild pig that smelled really bad. We’d released them during a CNN live stream about one of the game’s new expansions. Ricky had gotten perma-banned for it, though he’d been back the next week with a different user ID.

Fucking Ricky, I thought, the memory suddenly turning sour. I shook my head. Asshole.

Poppy: So, if under normal circumstances, it’s impossible for these things to be here, then we know we’re on the right track. It has to be part of the quest.

Gretchen: Keep at it. If the quest hasn’t updated, then you haven’t yet discovered what you’re supposed to find.

Poppy: We’ll continue searching. I’ll keep you posted.

Gretchen: Okay. Be safe.

I grunted and dismissed the chat.

“Okay everyone,” I said, turning back to the group. “Listen up. We need to have a talk.”

The others looked at me with impassive eyes. Bingo stood straighter and crossed his arms, as if to say, I dare your ass to talk shit. I sighed.

“Only two of you did what you’re supposed to. Granger and Tiatha. Granger, good shooting. Tiatha, I’ve never seen faster healing.” Granger nodded. Tiatha did not, though I caught what looked like a very slight smile curl on her lips.

“What about me?” Vern asked, hefting his massive maul over his shoulder. “I didn’t do nothing wrong.”

“No, I guess you did okay,” I said to the bloodied half-ogre. “But you’d be dead right now if Tiatha hadn’t healed you.”

The half-ogre grunted. “I could destroy Tiatha in battle.”

“Okay, buddy,” I said. “That has nothing to do with anything.”

I turned to Nale. “I can see you know a whole bunch of offensive spells, and you have a really deep reserve of mystic points. Feel free to step in when our guys are getting murdered.”

The auric huffed. “I was on lights! You wanted light, and I got you light!” He waved his hand about. “Keeping it this bright isn’t easy, you know.”

“So, what? You can only cast one spell at a time?”

Nale looked abashed. “Well, yeah.”

“Are you serious?”

“What? I’m an arcanist!”

Shit. That wasn’t normal. What the hell was up with that? I was starting to regret firing that asshole, Pritford. Most magic users could simulcast as many spells as they wanted as long as they had the mystic points for them. Half the tactics that made certain classes awesome, like harbingers, required the use of multiple spells in unison. Harbingers could cast Fleshmonger, which allowed them to wear the body of the recently-deceased and gain all their abilities and skills. It only lasted for a few minutes, depending on your level, but that was the whole challenge of playing magic-users, being able to resource manage your menus while running around a dungeon at the same time, being able to pull cool shit like that off.

I’d have to replace him. He seemed like a cool guy, but he was practically useless other than as a walking, talking flashlight. That meant I’d have to return to the mage guild, and I wasn’t looking forward to that. I’d have to deal with it after we got through this mess.

I focused on the other two half-ogres. One was named Lug and the other Jax. “I want you two assholes to hold up your right hands.” Then I looked at Bingo and Winston. “You know what, you guys also. I want all of you, everyone to hold up your right hands.”

They looked at each other and then me. Lug shrugged and put up his large, green hand, followed by Jax. Bingo sighed and did the same, followed by Winston. Soon everyone had their hands up, even Tiatha. I nodded.

“Okay, I want you guys to repeat after me.” I also put up my right hand. “I solemnly swear.”

A pause.

“Say it.”

“I solemnly swear,” they mumbled, out of unison.

“That I will hold my assigned position in battle.”

They repeated my words.

“And I won’t zerg rush the first monster I see. Nor will I trample, poison, or otherwise maim poor little Popper when we fight.”

Your War Chief skill has risen from 3 to 4.

They grumbled but repeated after me.

“Seriously, guys. We lost Critical because we were ambushed. That’s on me. But we need to maintain party discipline.” I pointed at Bingo. “Flaky is dead because you went fucking apeshit, and he followed you. We can’t split up. Tiatha can’t heal us if we’re not together. Next time we fight, listen to what I say, and do what I say. This isn’t every man for himself.”

“I am a woman,” Tiatha said. “An auric woman.”

“Or woman for herself,” I said. “Do you understand?”

Bingo met my eyes, and I knew I couldn’t look away. Jesus, he was scary. He held my gaze for several seconds.

“Understood,” he said finally.

“Thank you,” I said.

I pointed over my shoulder. “So now we got some magic-using asshole guarding a room down here. We know he’s probably from Orochi, which means he’s powerful as shit. He also knows we’re here, and he’s waiting for us. So we gotta be smart about this.”

* * *

I imagine if Jonah were here, he’d come up with some elaborate plan involving ninjas repelling from the ceiling while bombs went off in the demon’s hometown that would distract him long enough for Tiatha to cast some obscure spell that would make the demon slip and break his own neck. That was the Jonah way of dealing with uncertain odds.

I am not Jonah. Jonah prefers to use all the tools in the toolbox. Me, I like things simple. I just use the biggest hammer I have and start swinging. Sometimes finesse isn’t the best solution to a problem. Sometimes using the nine-foot-tall gorilla to break shit works best.

We didn’t know if the creature was a demon or a ghost. Both were possibilities, as they were the two big types of monsters from Orochi that would cast the spell that had almost killed Winston. Bingo believed it was a demon, so we went with that. If it was a ghost, we’d be in trouble. Physical attacks wouldn’t work.

We tiptoed the best we could through the carnage wrought by the three gorcupines. I knew it wouldn’t matter. The monsters in this game weren’t like the mobs from older games. They remembered. They were smart. That asshole in the room at the end of the hall knew we were coming, and he would be ready for us.

“There,” Bingo said, indicating a massive oak door that hung open at the end of the hall. I suspected this was the living quarters of the commander. I cringed as Nale’s sickly light reached the open door, announcing our presence to the creature within. An unsettling clicking noise rose from the room.

On my map, a single red dot appeared in the room.

“He’s casting a spell,” Granger hissed.

“Go,” I said to Bingo. “Go now.”

Bingo roared. We ran.

Despite my earlier insistence that we don’t bum rush the first monster we see, that was the plan here. I didn’t know if it was a good strategy, but in my experience, that was always the best way to deal with magic users. Get at them as quickly as you can. They can’t cast spells when you’re punching them in the face. It was an ugly plan, but it usually worked. Usually.

Bingo led the charge, Winston on his right, the maul-wielding Vern on the left. They’d surround and attack, overwhelming him while Granger pumped arrows into him. Jax and Lug would replace any fallen fighter, and I’d rush in with my axe and get a lick in if I could. I just needed one hit or player assist to share in the experience. I really needed to be in on the action if I wanted to level up, but I was worried about fighting such a powerful monster. He could split me in half with a flick of his wrist.

The moment I stepped into the room, I knew we were fucked.

This wasn’t a bedroom like I had suspected, but a sort of planning chamber with a large, wide platform in the center. A miniature 3D map of Castellane lay scattered on the table. It appeared the white jackets kept an up-to-date model of the spiral here so they could plan their strategies.

Standing directly on top of this model was the reanimated corpse of Flaky the gorcupine. Six or seven more reanimated zombie turtle beasts also stood in the room, and they charged. My minimap, which had previously only shown a single red dot, now showed multiple.

Chaos erupted.

I tried to take the scene in. Winston and zombie Flaky grappled as the wooden model pieces flew. Bingo held a zombie turtle monster by the head and used the beast to beat down the other turtles. Vern had fallen once again, and he screamed as the undead turtles fell on him.

In the back, shadowy corner of the room stood the demon. It stood about six feet tall and wore a dark, seaweed-like robe that glistened in the odd light. Its pale, white face seemed to glow with its own luminescence. Three red eyes the size of tennis balls bulged on the otherwise-human-shaped face. Long, glimmering black hair waved about the creature, as if it floated under water. The demon had no mouth. I had the sense it was female, but I couldn’t tell for sure.

This was a necromancer. She had raised the previously-fallen monsters from the dead. An electric sense of power emanated from her. It was the same feeling I’d gotten from the demon of Icardi and the Black Devourer. The moment I saw her, I knew. This was no ordinary boss, but a major monster that had a pivotal role in the current world event.

I should have known. This was a world event quest, and it wasn’t supposed to be easy. We would not defeat this monster. Not now, not today. I doubted any of us would live past the next few moments.

Arrows flew as Granger pumped shafts at the demon. The arrows did not hit. They acted as if the demon stood much further away than she really did. The arrows fell to the floor as if they’d run out of steam, disappearing when they hit the ground.

“Lug and Jax,” I yelled. “Attack the demon!”

A turtle zombie head, still snarling despite being decapitated, flew across the room, having been dislodged by Bingo. It smashed against the wall and exploded.

Another turtle—this one wasn’t a zombie, I realized—shouted and rushed at me. I swung my axe, hitting it in the armored thigh just below the shell. It cried and fell, its claws raking centimeters away from my throat. Water spilled out of the turtle’s concave head as it stumbled. I sunk my axe into its neck. The creature shuddered and died.

Experience earned!

Montu is pleased with your sacrifice.

Achievement unlocked! Complete your daily sacrifice!

Shit, I’d forgotten about that.

More notifications started to fly.

The red dots on the map seemed to be increasing. With horror, I realized monsters spilled into the room from someplace just past the large table. There had to be a trap door.

“Bingo, get that trap door closed or blocked!” I called.

NPC Jax (Level 52, Warrior, Half-ogre) has died!

I looked up in time to see the other half-ogre, Lug, explode as he was ripped into multiple pieces by a group of octopus tentacles. The tentacles had come from the robe of the demon, who appeared to not have arms at all. Holy fuck, what the hell is that thing?

NPC Lug (Level 55, Warrior, Half-ogre) has died!

Alice: We’re coming down! Things are happening up here. We have to run!

A loud crash quaked the entire building. A chunk of ceiling fell and exploded on top of undead Flaky’s head. Winston took the opportunity to slam his former friend hard to the table.

Spritz: I was forced to erase the front door. It caused structural damage to the building. We’re coming.

Bingo picked up the undead gorcupine as if he weighed nothing and slammed the zombie onto the ground. The large, dead-again gorilla disappeared from view. I realized he’d tossed Flaky through the hidden trap door. From below, shouts and hissing rose.

Bingo grunted, and Winston, who appeared to be gravely injured in his fight with Flaky, rushed to Bingo’s side. The two groaned as they grasped onto the massive table and pulled, heaving it over the trap door. The stone table squealed and protested as it raked across the floor.

As they released the heavy table, two turtles launched themselves at Bingo, only to impale themselves in his spikes.

Winston glowed as Tiatha healed him.

At the end of the room, the three-eyed necromancer once against started to chant. The sounds weren’t words, but an odd clicking noise that seemed to emanate from within her seaweed robes.

I didn’t have time to think. I raised my axe, and I charged. With all my power, I jumped and swung at the demon.

The moment my axe touched the demon’s midriff, the world froze.

Everything in the room froze. The sounds of battle instantly stopped. Both of my feet remained off the ground. I couldn’t move anything except my head. I looked around with surprise. What the hell? I craned my neck behind me to see Alice emerging through the front door, frozen in place. A dead turtle hung in midair after being tossed off Bingo’s back. Tiatha looked to be in mid-cast. Vern was attempting to rise off the floor, two dead turtles on top of him. An arrow hovered, aimed directly at yet another turtle who was in mid-launch at Winston’s back.

My eyes met the demon’s, and even she seemed frozen in time.

“Hello?” I said. I could talk. “Can anyone hear me?”

Nobody answered.

Had the game crashed? I pulled up chat.

Poppy: Hello? Are you there? Gretchen! Jonah! Alice? Can you see this? Bingo?

Gretchen: I’m here. What’s going on? What did Spritz mean when he said he was erasing the door?

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Are you okay?

The fact they weren’t frozen was even more confounding. Was I going sinkhole? That didn’t make sense. Usually when you timed out of the game, everything still moved around you, but you could no longer interact with it. This was different.

Poppy: No, I’m not okay. Something weird is happening. Everything is frozen. I can’t move. Everyone around me is frozen. They’re not answering on the chat. We’re fighting a boss, and the world went crazy the moment my axe touched her.

Raj: Hobgoblins come! They are all over the city! They are burning down the buildings! Raj is scared!

I felt a chill. Why could others still move, but not anybody in this room? It wasn’t a spell, at least not a normal one. If it was, I’d have gotten a notification.

Poppy: Raj, listen carefully. Is the Donut Boater gone?

Raj: I think so. That street is all on fire. I am hiding at the other hotel, the Luxuriant. There are hundreds of hobgoblins, maybe thousands. Big portal appeared, and they came. There is fighting at the mercenary market. Hobgoblins are surrounding the white jacket building where you are, but there is no door anymore. They are coming into my building. Raj doesn’t know what to do!

Gretchen: Raj, I want you to go to the roof and hide. They probably won’t look there. That hotel is stone, and it won’t burn easily. Sit tight for me, okay kiddo?

Poppy: Fuck, Gretchen. I don’t know what to do. I think my regen spot has been compromised.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: I’m summoning Keta. We’re going to open a portal and get you out of there.

Poppy: Okay.

Fuck! Why was I frozen?

On my minimap, a golden dot suddenly appeared just next to me. I still couldn’t move, but the glowing, armored human strolled into the room through an invisible portal.

A game guide!

His name appeared above his head, but it wasn’t necessary for me to know who he was. I recognized him immediately. This was Warpriest General Rochus. He stood watch at the Arch of Conquest. He was in charge of opening the spiral every four hours for parties to run the riot. He gave the same speech every time, and he’d choose the most powerful player in the group to be the war party leader. This was a famous game guide. He’d been a character in that old, dumb-ass Dominion of Blades movie they’d made years ago. His avatar still looked like that actor guy who turned out to be a wife beater.

Raj: Raj did as you said. He is on the roof with a few hotel workers and hotel guests. Something is happening on the streets. A big hobgoblin comes! He’s going to your castle. Hobgoblins hit the walls with their pickaxes. They’re trying to break in!

Rochus’s white, gold-tinged armor glowed brightly, filling the room. He usually wore a helmet, but he didn’t now. His long, gray hair looked perfectly combed, like he’d just shot a television commercial for some expensive, old-guy shampoo. He clutched a mace in his left hand, and the powerful weapon crackled with blue electricity. The old, chiseled man leaned forward to inspect me, a look of surprise on his face. He smelled odd, like of burning plastic.

“You’re a little girl,” he said.

“And you need a fucking breath mint,” I said. “What the hell is going on? Why can’t I move? Why is everything frozen?”

He shook his head. “We do not have much time. I am not really here with you. I am bound in a spell, captured by Akkorokamui. By striking a blow against the demon, you have given me this opening. I am dying. I have used the last of my power to cast this projection and to bind the demon and those around you. She is already fighting against the spell and will be free soon.”

I glanced back up at the demon, and I gasped to now see life in the three, bulbous eyes. They glowed with absolute rage and hatred.

“In a few moments,” Rochus continued, “You and your party will be freed. My projection will lead you below to the tunnels that the demon and her kappa warriors used to invade this castle. You need to follow me. I will explain the rest along the way.”

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“I do not have time to explain,” Rochus said. “After I free you, you will only have a few moments before Akkorokamui will attack again. This projection is barely physical and can’t fight for you. You cannot win this fight. You must flee. Are you ready? Here we go!”

“No, wait…”

I felt my axe slam into the side of the still-frozen demon, and it shattered in my hands as if it’d been made of glass. I slammed hard to the floor. Around me, the party members continued to fight as if they hadn’t noticed they’d been frozen, but they all stopped, surprised that the monsters were no longer fighting back.

“My axe!” I said in dismay.

Alice roared into the room. “Hobgoblins!” she cried.

“Somebody move this table!” Rochus cried. “Hurry!”

Everyone looked at the glowing game guide.

“Where the bloody hell did he come from?” Granger asked, lowering his bow. “What is happening?”

“Do as he says!” I said. “Bingo, Winston, move the table back!”

Without a word, the two gorcupines rushed forward and moved the table away. I pulled my secondary weapon, Dolly Trauma and held the enchanted knife ready. There had been more of those turtle monsters—Rochus had called them kappas—below. I didn’t know if they’d be frozen or not.

Raj: They’ve broken through. They’re coming into your building!

His Royal Majesty Jonah: I have Keta here. She’s going to cast a Portal spell.

Poppy: Hang on. Game stuff is happening. Don’t let her cast where she did before. The whole area is crawling with hobgoblins, and they’ll pour into Harmony. Let me get through this, and I’ll tell her where we are.

Gretchen: What do you mean “game stuff?”

The table moved to reveal a large set of stone stairs. I was relieved to see they were just wide enough for Alice. I peered below, and the area appeared to be lit by a series of torches. Several dozen of the kappas stood below, but they were also frozen. The dead-again body of Flaky lay at the bottom of the stairs.

“Go,” Rochus said. “Go, go, go!”

“Come on guys,” I said to my party. “I don’t have time to explain. Follow him.”

Popper Note 8

Despite the urgency, I suspected the demon and the kappas would remain frozen for as long as it would take for us to get going. This was setup for a game event, this world’s version of a cutscene. For all intents and purposes we were now on rails. We’d stumbled onto the next part of the quest, which was exactly what I’d come here to do. I wasn’t sure what would happen with the hobgoblins pouring into the castle above, and I didn’t know if they would fight against or were working with the demon, but I knew this was all engineered to get us to the next part of the quest. I had triggered it by striking a blow against the demon. I’d have to follow it along and see where we ended up. As soon as I was free, I’d have Keta open up a portal so we could go home. With my regen spot destroyed, it had gotten much too dangerous. If I died now, I’d end up with Daniels, frozen for the rest of time at the sanatorium in Harmony.

Entering the Caverns of the Fallen Dwarf Blaine, Level 1

Achievement Unlocked! Discover a previously-unexplored game area.

System Message> New game area—The Caverns of the Fallen Dwarf Blaine—has been discovered by Player Poppy (Level 21, Barbarian, Human) in Libri.

Gretchen: What’s happening? Where are you?

Poppy: Jesus, you’re worse than my mother. Give me a minute already. I’m on rails. We’re being led somewhere by a game guide.

I looked at my level. All I had done was kill a single kappa, and I had gone up a level. Looking closer, I saw I’d also received a large chunk of experience for triggering the next part of the quest. Alice had gone up to level 21 also. She had a pool of experience that’d auto-level her with me whether she gained new experience or not, at least for a while.

At the bottom of the stairs, I hopped up onto Alice and grabbed a torch off the wall in my left hand. “You can turn your light off,” I said to Nale. The yellow light switched away.

We stood in a wide, underground cavern. This was an old place, dwarfish in style. Multiple pools of bubbling water filled the room. Tire-sized mushrooms dotted the floor. In addition to the torches, the mushrooms also glowed.

Great, another cave, I thought. I shuddered. I hated being underground.

“Come on, before they wake up,” Rochus said. He padded down a damp corridor. We followed.

“Don’t leave me again,” Alice said as we followed. “I was scared.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “It’s hard when we’re inside buildings because you’re so big.”

“Bingo and Spritz are both bigger than me,” she sniffed.

Bingo was also on two legs and could turn himself sideways if he had to, but I didn’t mention it.

“These corridors pre-date the building of Quibou and Castellane by a thousand years,” Rochus was saying. “Not many know about them. The white jackets kept them free of vermin. It’s always good to have a path to escape.”

“Where do they lead?” I asked, maneuvering Alice around a pool of bubbling water. At least I hoped it was water.

“We will be near the shores of the Cassagnac,” the Rochus avatar said.

The Cassagnac was the river that separated Quibou from Castellane. It was only about a half mile or so from where we were now.

“So what’s the deal?” I asked as we walked. “What’s going on?”

Rochus paused for a moment, longer than NPCs usually did when they were thinking. “I will tell you a story now. You may have learned some of this already. The hobgoblin warlord Musa is very old. He is the eldest, and only surviving, son of Chief Ichichi of the Riot. Musa killed his father and took control soon after the unification, and it was he, Musa, who built the spiral defenses. Musa is now dying, and control of the Riot is being wrested for by his two children, Maghan and Kankan. Prince Maghan leads the army that now marches on Harmony. Prince Kankan was supposed to remain in Castellane and guard the city, as well as take care of his ailing father.”

“Was supposed to?” I asked, “What happened?”

“I do not know for certain,” Rochus said, “but I believe Kankan grew bored sitting in the city day in and out while his brother, already favored by Musa, collected victories over the ocean. He left Castellane with his host of remaining soldiers, presumably to raid up and down the western shores. It is he who is laying waste to Quibou right now. They are upset they can’t get back into Castellane.”

I sighed. There was obviously a lot I needed to learn. “Okay, start at the beginning. Tell me why they kidnapped Sandra the Learnt.”

Rochus pointed at Bingo. “It was your gorcupine companion’s doing, actually.”

“What?” I said, looking back and forth between the two.

Bingo said nothing but raised an eyebrow.

“I recognize your companion from the Menagerie. It was many years ago when the white jackets had returned from a successful raid with him, not in chains, but walking amongst the soldiers as an equal. He, along with many other beasts from the spiral, were sent to Harmony to fight in the coliseum.”

I nodded. I knew all of this already.

“Chief Musa knew that the spiral needed stronger defenses. If the white jackets could fight their way to the Menagerie and convince some of the warriors there to join them, then the current group of monsters guarding the area were of no use. He tasked his two sons, Maghan and Kankan to find the strongest, most fearsome beasts in the world to bolster the spiral’s defenses.”

Bingo loped forward to walk alongside us. “What did Musa do with the remaining warriors? My clanmates?”

Rochus shook his head. “My son, I fear I do not know.”

Bingo growled, an odd sound, not his usual menacing snarl.

Rochus continued. “Prince Kankan proceeded to the deep parts of this world, hunting for beasts of great strength, but he returned empty-handed and wounded, much to his own and his father’s shame. Prince Maghan, however, returned with but a single creature. A polecat from the Dominion court.”

“Sandra the Learnt,” I said.

“Yes,” Rochus said. “Prince Maghan knew that the most fearsome beasts in this world may be found on the islands of Orochi. Maghan is a powerful mage, but Orochi is protected with a potent containment spell. He knew only a master mapmaker had the skill to open a portal to the place and bring the beasts out. That is why he kidnapped the polecat. In only a matter of days after her kidnapping, the spiral was stocked with great monstrosities plucked from the terrible shores of Orochi.”

“Well, damn,” I said. “So they kidnapped her to bring those turtle monsters here?”

“Yes, those and many others.” Rochus paused again, his eyes going glossy. “Warriors should have come to rescue the royal cartographer, but they never did. Such a shame that is, or none of this would have happened.”

“What happened?” I asked. We entered what appeared to be a brick tunnel, leading upwards. Spritz and Bingo had to duck to keep moving.

“When the Dominion’s power started to weaken, and when the old rulers reappeared and re-claimed their kingdoms, that is when Chief Musa sent his favored son, Prince Maghan across the ocean to raid. At this very moment, Maghan marches on Harmony with his host of half a million hobgoblin soldiers. Soon after Maghan left was when Prince Kankan, the younger of the two sons, grew bored of waiting and wandered from the city. After Kankan left the city defenseless, a terrible thing took place. The monsters of Orochi took advantage of the prince’s absence.”

I was starting to see where this was going. I had been correct in my original assessment. These were two different world events that ended up accidentally intertwining. As a result, the AI running the game was forced to combine them, giving birth to a twisted and deformed baby of a world event.

I mentally put together what happened. From reading between the lines, I figured the Missing Maps world event was never meant to get this out of hand. The game’s top players would’ve had to come together and worked through an extra-tough session of the spiral to get to the end. Sandra would’ve been saved, the Orochi monsters would’ve been killed, and everything would’ve gone back to normal.

The whole thing would’ve been taken care of in about two days. It would’ve been a weekend event. They had events like that a dozen times or more a year back in the old days.

But since nobody ever came together and beat the spiral, when the de-unification event occurred, things started to get out of whack. But I still had questions.

“So where are the white jackets?” I asked. “And what was the name of that crazy octopus demon lady? How did the hobgoblins capture something so powerful?”

Rochus grimaced. “When the kappa, the oni, the gashadokuro, and other creatures stormed the island and took control of the spiral, they used Sandra the Learnt not to go home, but to bring more of their kind here. With the additional beasts came the demon. Akkorokamui is but one of many demon lords of Orochi, and I believe she wishes to carve out a kingdom of her own. I do not know what became of Sandra after she was used to open the portal.”

“And the white jackets?” I asked.

“They disappeared in the spiral not long after the cartographer was brought to this place. I requested of the king more help, but it never came.” Rochus shook his head sadly. “These are such strange times. It is not like before, before when it seemed there was so much more to this world. Heroes would come by the thousands to attack the Riot. But not anymore. I do not know where they have gone.”

The heroes would beat the spiral a couple times a week, and it seemed Rochus still remembered the days back when the game was turned on. “So why can’t the hobgoblins out there get back into the city? And what was the demon doing at the white jacket stronghold?”

“When Akkorokamui took over Castle Riot, it seemed Chief Musa had either hidden himself or had not revealed himself to the demon. In doing so, the demon would surely have killed him outright, and the kingdom of Castellane and control over the Riot would immediately fall to her. But that has not happened, and Musa lives. Still, when the beasts of Orochi took over, the magic that protects Castellane stopped protecting the hobgoblins. It stopped protecting anyone until a new regent could be named. For them to return to their own stronghold, Prince Kankan and his soldiers now must run the spiral. And access to the spiral is controlled by me. As a result, they can’t get in.”

Rochus looked at me and grinned. “As you might know, I have dedicated my life to defeating the Hobgoblin Riot, and I have mastered the spells that control access to the spiral run. One hundred fifty years ago when Chief Ichichi took this city and attempted to close it off with a protection spell, it was my father who cast the counter spell that created the path to the island. It was Musa, Ichichi’s son who built the defenses around this path, but my father’s magic persists. When I learned the city had been overrun with monsters from Orochi, I cast my Purge spell.”

“And that kicked out the demons, including that crazy bitch with the tentacles,” I said.

“Yes,” Rochus agreed.

The Purge spell was just something clever the game designers had come up with to keep people from camping in the spiral. Every Sunday and Wednesday night at midnight GMT, Rochus would walk to the entrance of the spiral and cast Purge. Every non-hobgoblin-aligned creature currently in the spiral or on the island would be ejected, pulled directly from the spiral and piled up in front of the twin obelisks.

“I was not aware such a powerful demon had joined the ranks of the other beasts within, otherwise I would not have cast that spell. Akkorokamui immediately attacked me, and we fought for several hours. It ended with me mortally wounded and bound, but I could only be held back with constant attention to the spell. As a result, the demon and I have been at a standoff. She needed to unbind me in order for me to die, but she also knew I had enough power left to counterattack. It was your attack that freed me long enough to temporarily freeze her and her minions.”

Light appeared up ahead.

“We must hurry. Akkorokamui has awakened. She fights the hobgoblins now, but they have retreated, and she will soon realize where you have gone.”

“How is it that Quibou still stands?” I asked. If I was understanding it correctly, when Rochus had cast his Purge spell, the square would’ve been filled with deadly monsters. I should’ve arrived to a devastated city.

“When I cast my Purge spell, I knew I would be unleashing powerful beasts on Quibou, and I prepared myself for it. I cast a protection spell on the town, a spell that would keep demons out. Then I altered the destination of the Purge spell as far as I could, to the wetlands just outside of town. I was not expecting such a powerful adversary, and immediately after the Purge, the enraged demon attacked me. Eventually the kappa demons found the secret entrance to these caverns. The magic is such that they can get into the white jacket castle through these tunnels, but they still can’t break their way into the city of Quibou itself. That will change soon. When I die, the magic will slowly fade over the course of a few weeks.”

We came out of the tunnel and onto the muddy bank of the river. We were actually on the opposite shore of the Cassagnac, now outside of Quibou and on the outskirts of Castellane.

Entering Libri.

Libri was the country that held both Quibou and Castellane, and we were in the no-man’s land between the two cities.

The Rochus avatar appeared translucent in the sunlight. He turned toward Spritz. “Could you perhaps cave-in this tunnel we just left? I would do it myself, but I must preserve my energy.”

“Certainly,” Spritz said. She murmured a few words and waved her hand. A moment later, the round tunnel entrance disappeared, like a giant mouth closing. I saw Spritz was now level two. I didn’t have time to wonder on that now.

“That will delay them for now,” Rochus said. “Follow me.”

We scrambled up the muddy bank and onto the brick road that led toward the Arch of Conquest, about three-quarters of a mile down the road.

“Wait, where are we headed now?” I asked.

“I’m taking you to me,” Rochus said.

Poppy: Guys, ask Keta if she can open a portal up right in front of the Arch of Conquest. I think that’s where we’re going to end up. Don’t do it yet.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Got it. What’s going on?

Poppy: I got to the next part of the story. You won’t believe this shit.

Gretchen: Why hasn’t the quest updated yet?

Poppy: I’m not sure. I’m still on rails.

I explained all I knew as we hustled down the road. Behind, black gouts of smoke billowed into the air as Quibou burned. Rochus’s protection spell had kept the Orochi monsters out, but it didn’t protect against the hobgoblins, apparently. Gretchen and Jonah remained silent for several minutes after I finished my story.

Gretchen: Let me know when you’re approaching the arch.

Poppy: We’re walking up now.

Gretchen: Hang on. We’ll open the portal in a minute. I’m grabbing Bruce Bruce, and we’re coming in. We’ll grab you and come back.

Poppy: What about Raj? We can’t leave him here! Raj, where are you, buddy?

Raj: Raj is still hiding on the roof! Raj is hiding with some people, and we are all scared. There are two babies! They cried, but I gave each one of my seashells, and they stopped crying. The hobgoblins all ran into the hotel, but now they are coming out. They don’t look so happy.

Gretchen: We’ll have to get him later.

Poppy: Keep hiding, okay? Let us know if anything weird happens.

Raj: Raj is a good lookout!

Poppy: Don’t let Jonah come. It’s too dangerous for him.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: How about you go fuck yourself.

Gretchen: I won’t. He’s staying put.

The Arch of Conquest stood about 350 feet in the air, similar to the Defender’s Door where we had portaled into Quibou. The massive, tombstone-like arch supposedly was a monument to all who had died fighting for the Dominion against the hobgoblins. When Chief Ichichi’s army had fled their stronghold during the unification and been surrounded here, they’d taken over the city and slaughtered all the inhabitants. Ichichi had attempted to cast a permanent protection spell keeping the city safe from Dominion invaders, but Rochus’s father had cast a counterspell, which had opened up a spiral-shaped path to the center of the city. While the city remained and was populated by the hobgoblins, non-hobgoblins could now only enter using the spiral path. Nothing could be built on the center of the path. Only on the edges, where the magic wasn’t so powerful, could the defenses be built. To keep that path open, the Arch of Conquest was built, imbued with magic that would forever prevent the hobgoblins from fully closing off their city. This door was the only way in and out of the city.

The wide, upside-down U shape entrance to the archway currently shimmered blue, indicating it was closed-off. Only Rochus and Musa had the spell that allowed one to open and close the gate.

The archway stood in the center of a massive roundabout, what was once a major thoroughfare into the center of Castellane. Before the hobgoblin occupation, one could march right down this street to the center of the large city. Now, however, one had to sweep south and make multiple loops before reaching the same area. Players had never been allowed into the city except on the spiral, though one could see much of it as they proceeded along the path. Most of the city appeared to be in neglected ruin, with plants and tall grass having taken over the lower streets. Rope bridges connected the upper floors of the large buildings and crisscrossed streets. The orangutan-like hobgoblins would swing from building to building using the ropes and their powerful, extra-long front arms.

We approached the massive archway, and Rochus held out his arm for us to stop. Laying prone on the ground ahead of us was a figure that glowed, surrounded by white light. On the minimap, I could see the golden dot indicating this was a game guide.

“Holy shit,” I said, pushing Alice forward to get a better look.

The true form of Rochus lay there on ground, and the poor dude had been fucked up pretty bad. He was burned over most of his body. A different colored binding spell encircled each of his limbs and his neck. I reached into my pack and grabbed a healing potion as I slipped off Alice and rushed to him.

“Do not bother. It will not work,” the avatar said, coming to stand next to his own body. The body of Rochus appeared to be dead. It did not move or speak. “Only that last binding spell, which you broke, was keeping me alive. At this very moment my soul is siphoning away.”

Raj: The hobgoblins see you, I think. They are all running down toward the river and the bridge!

I looked over my shoulder. In the far distance, a good mile and a half away a sea of black and green surged forward. A thousand hobgoblins at least rushed toward us. We had about seven or eight minutes before they got here.

Poppy: Now would be a good time to pick me up.

Gretchen: We’re working on it. Jonah is showing Keta on his map where to put the spell.

I turned back to Rochus. “Okay, so what now?”

The avatar continued to speak for the dying husk of a man. “Your task will not be easy, not anymore, but I believe in you. Come, come closer. I must give you something.”

I moved closer to the body of Rochus. His left arm twitched. I fought back revulsion as he reached for my head.

“Dude, what’re you doing?” I asked.

He touched me, and I felt an electric shock whip through me.

“It is up to you now,” the avatar said.

“What the hell was that?”

The avatar waved at the arch, and the blue, shimmering force field winked away.

About fifteen feet to my left, a portal cracked into existence. A moment later, Gretchen appeared, riding through astride her bear mount, Bruce Bruce. She clutched her glowing spear in her hand with her bow slung over her shoulder. She stared wide-eyed at the form of Rochus. She slid off the back of the bear but didn’t come forward, as if afraid of the dying game guide.

“Go now,” the avatar said. “Go to your destiny, Regent Poppy.”

The hand touching my forehead disappeared. The entire body disappeared. It turned to dust and flaked away. The avatar faded into nothing.

System Message> Guide Warpriest General Rochus has fallen. The Crown mourns the loss of such a storied hero.

System Message> This is a World Event!

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION!

Players far and wide! ATTENTION! This is a World Event!

The Siege of Castellane. While attempting to rescue the kidnapped Sandra the Learnt, Player Regent of the City-State Castellane Poppy (Level 21, Barbarian, Human) has discovered an even bigger threat. Castellane lays abandoned, and Regent Poppy has been granted temporary regency of the city-state.

However, a terrible enemy lurks at the gates.

Akkorokamui, a demon escaped from the deadly shores of Orochi, seeks to claim this city for herself. If this demon and her force of monsters manage to overwhelm the defenders, Castellane will be granted to the demon queen. A new age of darkness will descend on the area. The city will remain closed, and the spiral will only be open to the highest level players for a period of at least one year.

If the castle can be defended from the threat, the City-state of Castellane will be permanently granted to Regent Poppy, and she will be named Queen. The city of Castellane will become open to all players, and the wonders held within, including new weapons, armors, guilds, and a new church will be available to all.

Regent Poppy and her party of adventurers need your help! The Dominion Crown officially recognizes Regent Poppy’s claim and urges all adventurers to travel to Castellane to help defend the city from the inevitable attacks.

Warning! Setting foot within the borders of Libri during this event will trigger a compulsory quest and will quarantine you for the duration of the event, which is 12 days, or until all waves have been defeated. This comprises all cities within the borders of the country, including Castellane, Quibou, Marizy, and Nijon.

Attacks along the spiral path will occur every 72 hours for the next 12 days. Each wave will comprise of more difficult opponents, culminating with an assault on the city by Akkorokamui herself during the fifth wave.

Prizes will be awarded to each defender after each wave. Survivors, if any, of the fifth and final battle against the demon will each receive a separate and unique item suited to their class.

All invaders must be killed or otherwise deposed for a wave to be deemed won.

If even a single invader reaches the gates of Riot Castle, the wave is deemed lost. No prizes will be rewarded.

If any boss monster (Waves 3, 4, and 5) reaches the gates of Riot Castle, the wave will be deemed lost and all defenders will immediately die where they stand.

See the Crown News page for additional details.

Achievement unlocked! Trigger a World Event!

You have been granted Regency of Castellane! You may now access the Royal Factions menu.

You have been quarantined! You may not pass beyond the boundaries of Libri for 12 days or until the war event has concluded.

You have been drafted into the Castellane Defense Force! Your rank is Regent General. You may now access the War Events menu.

I looked at Gretchen, who returned my gaze, a look of absolute horror in her eyes. Above her head, a single, yellow chevron appeared. She’d been arrowed. I looked around. All the members of the party held the same yellow arrows over their heads. On the minimap, their dots—which had been white—were now white with blue crosses through them.

We were stuck here. A compulsory quest. Quarantined for 12 days.

“This is all your fault,” I said to Gretchen.

“Really?” she said. “How do you figure…”

Gretchen fell forward, hitting the ground hard with a yelp. She’d been bowled over by a figure who’d flown through the still-open portal. I rushed forward as Gretchen jumped to her feet, swiveling with her spear at the ready.

“Fuck,” I exclaimed, seeing who it was. “What the hell, man?”

Jonah stood, angrily brushing himself off. He sported a large scorch mark on his back.

“What happened?” Gretchen said. She dropped her spear and grabbed Jonah’s arm. “Jonah, you can’t be here. What happened?” she asked again.

“It was Keta,” Jonah said, a look of absolute outrage on his face. He clutched Triple Fang, his triple-bladed urumi in his right hand. He held the weapon in a ready position, a wide loop. The weapon’s unsettling charisma debuff gave his face a snake-like appearance. “She did this.”

“Keta?” Gretchen asked. “Why?”

A moment later, the portal winked away. Above Jonah’s head, a single chevron appeared.

Part 2

Unknown Note 3.

(Appears to be written by the same author of Unknown Note 2)

Juliette,

I can’t stand living in a world where you no longer exist.

I’m not sure why you stayed with me during those years I was in prison that first time. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I never told you this, but Ricky visited me a few times while I was in there. Typical Ricky. I think he did it partly because he felt guilty, partly because he was a prick and wanted to rub my nose in his freedom. Anyway, he told me about your job offer in Boston. I wrote a letter to you that very night, telling you I wanted a divorce.

I pictured you opening the letter, reading it, and feeling nothing but relief. You would’ve signed the papers and never looked back. You and Molly would’ve ridden all the way up to Boston with the top down, on to a new, better circumstance, a new job, and a life away from people like me. And Ricky.

I couldn’t send it, though. I spent hours composing the letter, telling you in no uncertain terms that I never wanted to see you again. I would give you money for Molly when I got out, of course, but I didn’t want to be married to you anymore.

Sometimes I think about that moment, when I ripped up that letter. It was probably the single most cowardly thing I have ever done. I don’t know what you really would have done if you’d received it. Knowing you, probably drive the 200 miles to the prison to give me a holler. Maybe not. But either way, I regret it. I regret making you feel like you had no choice but to stay.

I try to look at things from your perspective, and I just don’t see it. Why did you love me? How could you have possibly loved me? After all I put you through? After what happened with Molly and the surgery?

If there is some sort of magic space tunnel where the long dead can see the notes of the living, I pray these words somehow get delivered to you. I want to thank you for being there for me, even though I didn’t deserve it. I want to thank you for giving me as much time with Molly as possible. And I want to thank you for loving a wreck like me.

I miss you so very much. So much it burns.

Elijah.

Popper Note 9

With the portal gone, and a shrieking, frothing horde of hobgoblins descending on us, there was only one way for us to go.

“Everybody through the gate,” I called as I pulled myself back up onto Alice. “They can’t follow us in there!”

“Are you sure?” Gretchen asked as we rushed forward. She hopped onto Bruce Bruce, and she pulled the still-dazed and pissed-off Jonah behind her.

“No,” I said. The quest hadn’t said anything about the hobgoblins at all. I didn’t know what that meant, and now that Rochus was gone, I didn’t have anyone to ask.

Jonah fumed, and I didn’t blame him. I never liked Keta much, but I’d never expected anything like this from her. It seemed out of character. What was it? Treason? Part of the game event? Some sort of misunderstanding?

“I need to get back,” Jonah said as we hurried. “She has my map. Jenny and Eli are still there. It’s how I talk to Waldo. I don’t understand why she did it.”

“I know, I know,” Gretchen said, looking over her shoulder. “Do you still have your dragon helmet?”

“Yes,” Jonah said, patting his bag. He never wore the ugly thing. If he’d lost that…

“Why’d she have to bring him,” Alice grumbled, meaning Bruce Bruce the bear. “Poor Jenny and Eli are now all alone and scared.”

We passed through the massive gate.

Entering Castellane. You are the Regent of this city.

Warning! Your city is experiencing multiple problems. See the City Management and Adjustments menu for details.

Warning! Your kingdom is experiencing multiple problems. See the Kingdom Management and Adjustments menu for details.

In the upper left of my vision, a new button appeared. It read 00:00 Send Early.

“Jonah,” I said, surprised at the notifications. “I have the city management menus you do now.”

Jonah looked at me. “Yeah,” he said drily. “I saw the system message. There’s loads of stuff in there. Let me know if you have any questions, though most of it didn’t work for me. The moment I went through the portal, I got a notification I lost access to mine since I’m no longer in Dominion territory. It says as long as I’m in the country of Libri, I won’t be able to see the Dominion menu or receive messages from the Dominion.”

I looked for the menu and couldn’t find it. I typed it into search, and a link tree popped up, showing it was in the Memberships and Guilds tab, which I didn’t normally have access to. I mentally clicked on it, and multiple pages of options popped up.

“Holy shit,” I said, looking at the sheer wall of options and tabs. “No fucking wonder you couldn’t figure anything out. This is like trying to pass your college algebra final while hopped up on Jack and edibles.”

“That’s an oddly specific analogy,” Gretchen said.

I scrolled through the pages, one after another. I could control things from grounds keeping to recruitment for the city guard to dealing with taxes. There was a lot here, and I’d have to explore it later, but my eyes did catch a note at the top of each page.

This menu and its actions are in beta. Options may not work as expected. Layout may change without notice. Please report any bugs to support.

“Wait,” Jonah said. “If you have access to the city, can you control the hobgoblins now?”

I looked through the menus. Jonah walked me through to the War Events tab, and I found the page that listed the possible creatures to turn to your side. The hobgoblins were listed there, but it was clear I didn’t have control of them.

“Weird. I have control of the city now, but not the actual hobgoblin people. I guess I’d still have to defeat the hobgoblin warlord? Or is it because I’m a regent and not a king? I don’t know. This shit is so confusing. What the hell are basis points? Infrastructure expenditures?”

 “Guys, we can figure this out later. Do you think we can just walk through the spiral now?” Gretchen asked, looking around nervously. Behind us, I could still see the horde of hobgoblins rushing right at us. We only had a few minutes.

“I don’t know,” I said. We were in the wide corridor that represented the very beginning of the spiral. Several abandoned streets spread out in front of us, and we could pick any one. They all ended up at the same place, the base of the first castle. In the distance, the menacing form of the Sentinel Tower rose, glinting in the late afternoon sunlight.

Written on a nearby wall in faded red paint were the ominous words: “If you can see it, it can see you.”

The tower usually didn’t start shooting at you until a little later, so I had no idea if the spiral was active or not. We’d find out soon enough.

“Quick,” Gretchen said, “See if there’s a control page for the spiral defenses.”

“Good idea,” I said. I looked in the kingdom menu, but there was nothing. I recalled the War Events menu, searching the titles of the sub tabs.

Jackpot. I found one entitled Spiral Defense Systems. I clicked on it.

You can not access this page unless you are located in the defense cockpit of Castle Riot. Systems currently set to auto.

“Fuck,” I said. “We need to get to the castle.”

“I do not know if these hobgoblins can pass through the gate,” Bingo said. He turned to Jonah, bowing deeply. “Your majesty, it will be my honor to remain here and guard your back while you rush to safety.”

The approaching horde of monsters continued to surge toward the gate.

Gretchen shook her head. “We need to reset our regen as soon as possible. All three of us are without spots right now. I don’t know for sure what the game does to quarantined players who die without a regen in the game, but I suspect it tosses you to an Amity temple. And we can’t let that happen.”

We continued to hurry away from the gate, having chosen the wide main thoroughfare. It would soon swing south, and we’d no longer be able to see the arch.

This well-worn path led to a twisting street I knew very well. The next street over was sandwiched between two walls, and in the old days hobgoblins with poleaxes would stand behind the walls, attempting to strike at you through narrow slits. As long as you kept to the center of the street, you’d be fine. It was the first defense, and it gave you the false sense that this shit would be easy.

“I don’t think they can get in here,” I said. “The thing said the first wave would happen in 72 hours, right? I think they’re going to run into that gateway like it’s a solid wall.”

Our party paused at the curve, turning to watch the horde approach the gate.

The horde was still a good quarter mile away from us, a surging tidal wave of armor and teeth. The Arch of Conquest shimmered slightly as the lead of the hobgoblins rushed up the stairs and approached the marble causeway.

“Wait, no,” Gretchen said. “Did it say there’s five waves?”

“Yeah, why?” I asked.

Wave 1 of 5.

They surged through without missing a step. The gate did not stop them.

“Oh, shit!” Jonah said.

“Run!” Gretchen cried.

War Party Admin> Warning! Your city has been invaded by an opposing faction! <Prince Kankan leading 1,121 hobgoblin warriors> They are now traveling the spiral path. Proceed immediately to the defense cockpit!

War Party> The city is under attack.

War Party> Spiral systems arming.

War Party> All defenders proceed immediately to your assigned towers.

War Party Admin> Warning! You have towers with unassigned defense positions. These towers will remain inactive until you assign a defender.

War Party Admin> Warning! You have cage traps that have not been loaded. They will issue a misfire if triggered.

“What the fuck?” I exclaimed. “This is bullshit!”

“Five waves every 72 hours only makes 12 days if the first wave is right now,” Gretchen said as we hurried down the path. “The first wave is right now, and wave two will be in 72 hours.”

Sure enough, the button in the upper left of my vision turned out to actually be a timer. It switched from 00:00 to 71:59.

“Oh, nice,” I said. “Right out the gate, and they fuck us in the ass.”

A loud, distinctive clicking noise filled the streets. I would recognize that sound anywhere. It was the clang of traps being armed. In the distance, deep in the city, a siren wailed.

“Regent Poppy!” A new voice called. “Which one of you is the new regent?”

A beaver-like creature wearing a red beret stumbled toward us, coming from behind one of the buildings, from off the path. The pudgy creature was just about my height, which made him very small compared to everyone else. He wore brown trousers and a sash across his furry shoulder. His most distinctive feature were his two, bright-orange buck teeth that looked like they could chew through steel. His dot was white on the minimap. The little beaver bent over, breathless. His beret fell to the ground, and he snatched it up and began to furiously wipe it off.

Bingo rushed forward and grasped the creature with his massive hand. He picked it up off the ground as the beaver squealed with terror.

“Do you remember me?” Bingo growled. He squeezed his hand, and the small creature’s eyes started to bug out of its head.

“Stop!” Gretchen called.

“Put him down,” I called.

Bingo hesitated, then let him down. Behind us, the hobgoblins surged toward us.

“I am the new regent,” I said. “Talk fast while we run.”

The creature looked at me with surprise. The thing had a thick French accent. He gave Bingo a terrified look then said, “I am not one to give advice to the new regent, but why don’t you step off the path, monsieur? They can not harm you if you do.” He waved at the alley from which he’d emerged.

Between the two buildings I could see the long, overgrown path that led directly to the island a good two miles down the road.

It had never occurred to me that we’d be able to just leave the spiral. “Well, shit,” I said, directing Alice toward the alleyway. I hesitantly walked forward, approaching the edge of the path. Before, if you got close to the edge, you could feel the barrier’s electric presence. The hairs on your arms would raise up. If you were stupid enough to actually touch the shimmering, blue barrier, you’d be blown halfway across the street.

We passed right through. I felt a quick pop in my ears, and the humidity and temperature rose. It reminded me of passing through a portal.

“It works!” I called to the others, waving them through.

They didn’t need prodding. All of them rushed forward. Bingo held up the rear. He pounded his chest, flared his quills, and roared at the approaching hobgoblins. The front line all stopped dead in the street, just fifty meters away, causing the ones behind them to crash into their backs. Metal clanged as the armored hobgoblins piled up like a train wreck.

Bingo stood to his full height and turned, walking casually into the alley.

A moment later, a dozen spears crashed against the invisible barrier. Coming up beside me, Granger pulled out his bow, turned, aimed, and fired toward the horde, now just 20 meters away. His magical bolt flew to the right of Bingo and dissipated the moment it hit the barrier.

Apparently the defenses worked both ways.

Bingo stopped at the edge of the alley and turned to face the hobgoblins, who continued to disentangle themselves and stand. A group approached hesitantly, their spears lowered toward the gorcupine. Bingo crossed his arms and growled. Winston loped up next to Bingo and bared his teeth at the horde.

“Are we sure they can’t get through it also?” I asked the beaver. If they could rush through the alley, we were fucked.

As if to answer my question, a single hobgoblin screamed and rushed forward. He wore samurai-style plate armor and an odd, pineapple-like helmet covered with tiny spikes. He threw himself toward the alley, thrusting his spear at Bingo, who didn’t flinch. The attacker bounced off the barrier, as if he’d been shot out of a cannon. He blew back toward his compatriots, knocking several over like a damn bowling ball. His helmet rocketed even further back into the crowd.

From within the horde, a cry of frustration rose. A single, enormously-fat hobgoblin pushed his way through the crowd and approached the barrier. This hobgoblin wore armor that was comically too small for him, and he looked like an overstuffed sausage.

“That’s one of the princes,” Gretchen said. “I recognize him from the time I beat the spiral.”

I slid off Alice and walked back into the alley, coming to stand between Bingo and Winston.

“You are a trespasser,” the hobgoblin shouted. One could hear through the barrier, but only barely. “This is my rightful home.”

His voice surprised me. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, I guess maybe a cross between Bingo and a goblin. This voice was more Asian, like the guy who worked at the pho place Juliette always dragged me to.

I regarded the hobgoblin. I’d fought and killed dozens of these things over the years, but I’d never truly spent time looking at one. They were very much like massive, green orangutans, but with sharp, auric-style ears. They averaged about six and a half feet tall, with some of them almost as big as an average half-ogre. This one, Prince Kankan, stood just about seven feet. His large, hairy arms brushed the ground. The prince’s golden, samurai armor gleamed, as if it had seen very little action, but it was splattered with fresh blood. I wondered if that was from their fight with the kappas and the demon.

He did not wear a helmet like most of his warriors. His face was that of an orangutan, but his two lower incisors jutted out of his mouth, razor sharp, giving him an almost prehistoric look. His left tooth was pierced with a gold ring. The green-haired monster’s facial flanges framed his already-large face, making him look even bigger, moon-faced. His black, intense eyes glared at me with unconcealed disgust.

“Prince Kankan,” I shouted. “Is that you?”

The large monster stood straighter. “I am.”

“You know,” I said. “You’re not the ugliest motherfucker I’ve ever seen in this world. But you better hope he never dies, because you’re next up.”

It took the NPC a moment to register I had insulted him. “You dare affront me? You are but a human child! Come out here and say that without this barrier separating us.”

“Look, pal, you screwed up and lost your city because you brought these cocksuckers from Orochi in here. They got loose, grabbed the cartographer, and pulled in a powerful-ass demon. Now I’m stuck here cleaning up your mess. You want your city back? Too fucking bad. You lost it. Now turn around and go find a new place to live, because your ass has been evicted.”

“You do not know of which you speak,” Kankan said, looking both bewildered and enraged.

“Oh, I think I do,” I said.

“I am bringing supplies to those who remain. Allow me to transport it in. After, give me back my father, and I will leave you be.”

I paused. Rochus had said Chief Musa still lived, but where was he? He couldn’t be in the castle, otherwise I wouldn’t be allowed to occupy it, at least I didn’t think so. If Jonah killed him, like he planned, would he then gain control of the hobgoblins? And what was this about supplies? It didn’t matter, I decided.

“Look, I don’t have anything against your father. Tell me where he is, and I’ll be happy to red rover and send him over,” I lied. “But you assholes have to leave the spiral. The traps are all armed, and if you try to go any deeper, you’re just going to lose all your soldiers. You’re wave one. You know what that means? You’re basically the tutorial level. Whether you know it or not, you’re already dead.”

“Yes,” Kankan said. “The traps are armed, aren’t they? But the towers themselves lay empty.” He made a show of looking over my shoulder. “There’s how many of you? Ten? Fifteen?” He laughed.

I had a sinking feeling. I’d always assumed these guys were dumb, like a typical half-ogre. They were certainly portrayed that way on the forums. Rochus had made this guy sound like an inept doofus, but that wasn’t the vibe I was getting at all. This dude obviously had a brain on him. That made him dangerous.

Before I could respond, Prince Kankan turned away. He waved his arm, and the host of hobgoblins turned south, heading deeper into the spiral.

“Shit,” I said, turning back to the others. “We need to get to the castle right away. They’re running the spiral, and without the towers armed, they’re gonna make it, first wave or not. We need to move our asses.”

Popper Note 10

Besides Dominion of Blades, my second-favorite immersion game had been one called Cibola Raid. It was an odd game, involving mechs and advanced sci-fi technology versus angels in an apocalyptic landscape. While the game wasn’t nearly as popular as DoB, one of the things I liked best about Cibola Raid were the landscapes. Most of the action took place in the abandoned, bombed-to-hell wasteland of a massive city called Cibola.

The streets of Castellane reminded me of that other game as we hurried the two miles to the center of the city, through the abandoned and neglected streets. If I didn’t have Alice to ride, the grass would be over my shoulders. As it was, I had to pull the short-legged beaver thing up onto Alice’s back, lest we lose him altogether. We couldn’t move too quickly. Vern, our only remaining half-ogre mercenary, wasn’t too quick, and Spritz the astound didn’t seem all that fast, either. Gretchen and Jonah both rode Bruce Bruce, who seemed to cringe at the extra weight, but the bear was too macho to say anything about it. Tiatha, Granger, and Nale walked behind us, followed by Winston and Bingo. I needed to keep Bingo and the beaver guy separated until I could figure out what was going on between the two.

The skeletons of rotting buildings pushed up through the grass. Vague remnants of streets remained, cracked and pitted. While I knew the interior of the city had been mostly left to rot, I hadn’t realized it was this bad. The buildings along the spiral path always seemed to be in good condition. I wondered why that was. The city housed about a million hobgoblins before half of them left to invade North America. Had they just lived in the buildings along the path, ignoring the deeper parts of the city?

Looking up, I could see that ropes connected the upper levels of many of the taller buildings. It appeared the hobgoblins had only settled on the top levels of the tallest structures. From what I could tell, they didn’t live in the buildings, but on top of them, building their own hovels on the roofs.

And speaking of the hobgoblins, where were they? I hadn’t really thought of it until just now. They’d always said a million of them lived in the city. Half of them marched off to war, and a few thousand more left with Prince Kankan and were now snaking their way back through the spiral. But the rest, the elderly and the young, surely they remained here somewhere. Would they be hostile? Looking at my minimap, I saw no signs of life at all.

“I wonder why the hobgoblins only utilize the top floors,” Gretchen said, looking up at the extensive rope system, mirroring my thoughts. “I guess it’s probably what they did in the jungle, but they wouldn’t need it here.”

“Or maybe they do,” Jonah added. “I keep seeing red dots flashing on the corners of the minimap.”

“I don’t see anything,” I said. I knew hunters Jonah and Gretchen both had better vision than I did, especially when it came to animals. Being a barbarian, I usually never saw such creatures unless they were in my line of sight.

“Whatever it is, they look like they’re afraid of us,” Jonah said.

“Maybe it’s the remaining hobgoblins,” Gretchen said.

“Hey, beaver boy,” I said, turning to look at the squat creature behind me on Alice’s back. He’d been silent the entire ride. He still seemed out of sorts from his encounter with Bingo. “What sort of monsters live out here?”

“Sir, I do take offense to that name,” the creature said. “My name is Chauncey, and I am a coypu.” He flipped up a long, rat-like tail that snaked out of the back of his brown trousers. “Look upon my tail, and you will see I am no beaver. Beavers are filthy, foul-mouthed creatures, and I would never associate with such beasts.”

Whatever the hell a coypu was, he looked like a beaver without the flat tail. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Of course, monsieur. I apologize. Within the city there are not many creatures except for the bugs. Swarms of biting gnats patrol the outer city limits, and the pong flies sometimes come through this main area. This past season has been quite unfortunate for our crops. Many bugs come and devour everything we grow. That’s it, for the most part. There were other, bigger creatures long ago, but the residents, ahh, ate them all.”

“Where are the residents now?” Gretchen asked.

Chauncey shook his head sadly. “Most are dead, I’m afraid. Some remain. The famine hit us particularly hard this last season.”

“Famine?” Gretchen asked.

“It is difficult to feed so many when you can’t leave the city walls. As you may know, the Dominion poisons the Cassagnac, so we cannot fish. We farm what we can, but the bugs eat much of it. Prince Kankan sends out patrols to gather food, but his father and brother often use what he gathers for themselves and their favored soldiers. After Prince Kankan left this last time, and the demons broke free and took over the castle, there has been no food delivered at all. Most of the city died.”

“You look pretty well fed,” I said.

Chauncey looked abashed. “I survive on bugs, monsieur. The young of the hobgoblins also do well on bugs, but as they get older, they need meat to thrive. A diet of bugs and vegetables is a pitiful and shameful existence. The only way to be guaranteed meat is to join the military. But after the Dominion warriors stopped invading the spiral, the supplies of meat stopped as well.”

It took me a moment to realize what he was saying.

“The hobgoblins ate the bodies of those running the spiral?” Jonah asked.

“Oh, yes, monsieur” Chauncey said. “Humans, dwarves, texugo, and pollywogs mostly. The pollywogs are their favorite. They complain that half-ogres taste too sour and aurics have very little meat on them. The emo-tong are completely inedible. Most mounts are good for meat, too.” Chauncey patted Alice’s rump. “This hippocorn here would feed a hobgoblin family for a week. Maybe longer.”

“What the hell did you say?” Alice asked, stopping dead.

“It’s okay,” I said, patting Alice’s head. “Keep going. We’re in a hurry.”

“Chauncey,” Gretchen asked. “Do you know where War Chief Musa is hiding? How about Sandra the Learnt?”

Chauncey paused before answering, his eyes flickering with a data transfer. “Musa fled the castle and disappeared into the city when the demons broke free of the Menagerie. He did not take me with him, and I don’t know where he is. As for the polecat cartographer, she was in the hands of the demons. After they were ejected from the city, she did not reappear. I thought perhaps she left with the Orochi demons. Or she is still on the other side of that portal she opened up. But I do not know.”

Quest update. Missing Maps.

After speaking with the Riot Steward, you have determined that Sandra the Learnt was last seen in the company of Akkorokamui. Capture and interrogate an officer of the demon army to learn her fate.

“Well fuck,” I said. If Sandra was now in Orochi, on the other side of the world, we would never get her back. Even if she still was with the demons on this side of the portal, we were still fucked. I had no illusions as to our chances of defeating that crazy octopus lady. Or even of getting to that last round of the tower defense.

War Party> Fire Trap in C1 triggered.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 254 casualties. 867 invaders remain.

“Are you guys seeing these war party messages?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Jonah said.

“What about the ‘war party admin’ ones?” I asked.

“No,” Jonah said, but that’s what it’s called when I get notifications for the Dominion. It says ‘Dominion Admin.’”

“Hmm,” I said, looking through my War Events submenu. I found a tab called Conscripts, and I clicked through. I was surprised to see well over two thousand names listed. It just went on and on. I scanned the list, finding most of them crossed out. Looking, I realized these were all NPCs, probably all the folks from Quibou. I could sort by name, by level, by class. The crossed-out ones were dead. A three-day countdown timer appeared by the crossed-out ones, but the timer didn’t move and a red, warning triangle with an exclamation appeared by the timer. I think that meant NPCs didn’t regenerate during war events, but I wasn’t sure. I’d have to figure this out. Scrolling through, I found Raj listed on there. I also saw that asshole mage guy, Pritford. They all had a single chevron by their name.

It finally dawned on me what I was looking at. It looked as if almost every NPC in Quibou had been arrowed, and they’d been conscripted in the defense. I could click on them, and I could issue orders to them or send them direct messages.

“I have control over hundreds of people,” I said. “I think it’s all the mercenaries in Quibou that are still alive after that big fight with the hobgoblins just now.”

“That’s good,” Gretchen said. “See if you can get them in here.”

Chauncey directed us to a short, poorly-maintained tunnel that burrowed under a wide street. Shimmering light protected the roadway above, indicating it was part of the spiral, and instead of crossing through, the hobgoblins had devised a method of going under the curling pathway that encompassed the city. The bottom half of the tube that compromised the spiral path was quite large, sinking deep underground, and this tunnel we traveled through sunk deeper to avoid it. The ground of the tunnel crunched underfoot, like we were walking on seashells. But nothing bad happened, and we quickly came through on the other side and we resumed our way to the castle. I continued to examine the menu.

I figured out how to sort the list by whether one was a player or an NPC. Only three players appeared on the list. Me, Gretchen, and Jonah. I had five stars by my name, but Gretchen and Jonah both had a single chevron. Hovering over Jonah’s chevron, it read Private, First Class.

“I can change people’s ranks,” I said. I clicked on Gretchen’s name. “I think I can get you guys admin privileges.”

War Party Admin> Player Gretchen (Level 26, Hunter, Human) has been promoted to War General and given full access to the War Party menu.

A single star replaced the arrow over her head.

I clicked over to do the same to Jonah, but I paused, my eyes catching an option at the bottom of the list: Honorable Discharge and Dishonorable Discharge.

“Jonah, I think I can un-arrow you,” I said.

Gretchen’s eyes went glossy as she explored the new-found menu. “I see that. We can make it so you can leave.”

Jonah opened his mouth as if it say something then decided against it. “I have to stay with you guys. I need to get back to Harmony, but I can’t do it alone.” He grinned. “Besides, this tower thing sounds fun as shit.”

“Jonah,” Gretchen said. “Waldo told you he won’t be able to save you again if you die.”

“Yeah, but kicking him out ain’t gonna do him any good,” I said. “Not without someone to cast Portal.”

I looked back at Nale, who jogged alongside Tiatha.

“Hey, Nale,” I asked. “Can you cast Portal?”

“No,” the auric said. “Get me a scroll, and I can read it, though. It has a good chance of working. Like 50%. Maybe 40%.”

“Uh, what does that mean?” Jonah asked.

Gretchen looked grim. “It means there’s a 60% chance you’ll end up at the wrong portal. Or worse, your insides will become your outsides. He’s an arcanist. Popper should never have hired him. Their spells are not very reliable.”

“Hey, he’s a good guy,” I said. “I hire based on personality.”

“Uh-huh,” Gretchen said.

“Let’s worry about this later,” I said. “We can kick Jonah out if it’s starting to look like we’re about to die.” I scrolled over and changed his rank.

War Party Admin> Player His Royal Majesty, King Jonah of the Dominion Empire (Level 35, Hunter, Human) has been promoted to War General and given full access to the War Party menu.

I scrolled through and gave Bingo the rank of colonel, the highest rank it would allow me to give an NPC. According to the menu, he would now have the ability to change the rank of others below him and direct the defenses of up to 10,000 troops at a time. His insignia turned to an eagle.

“Bingo,” I said, “Give appropriate ranks to the rest of the party and dole out suitable responsibilities.”

He nodded. I immediately got a notification that Granger and Winston were promoted to major.

Looking through the possible ranks, my eyes caught an interesting subrank off corporal. I clicked on Raj’s name.

War Party Admin> NPC Raj (Level 5, Commoner, Polecat) has been promoted to Scout First Class.

NPC Raj (Level 5, Scout, Polecat) has changed class from commoner to scout.

Raj: I am a scout! I can see what is happening! Raj is now like a real man! I can make myself invisible now!

Poppy: You just stay safe, buddy.

“Oh, wow,” Gretchen said. “I’ve never seen that before.”

“What about me?” Alice asked. “I want a rank!”

I scrolled through, but she wasn’t listed at all. As a pet, it looked like she was just a part of me and not listed in the system.

I patted her on the head. “Your official title is ‘Five Star Death Mount Supreme.’”

I braced myself for her to throw a fit. Instead, she gasped with joy and hopped up and down a few times. Chauncey almost went flying. “Supreme? Really?”

“Really,” I said.

“If she gets a rank, I gets a rank!” Bruce Bruce growled.

“Oh for crying out loud,” Gretchen said. Jonah laughed.

“Your rank is Smelly Fat Forest Bitch,” Alice said.

Bruce Bruce growled. Alice growled.

I sighed. I liked it better when we only had one talking animal. “Your rank is Strong Mount the Powerful.”

“Yes,” Bruce Bruce said, nodding his fuzzy head. “Yes, this is good. I am strong. I am powerful.”

“He’s not supreme, though,” Alice muttered.

“That’s right,” I whispered. “Only you.”

War Party> Landmine Trap in C3 triggered. Cage Trap in C3 triggered. Cage trap misfire! No creatures present.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 4 casualties. 863 invaders remain.

“Guys, check it out,” Jonah said, pointing to a massive fountain that appeared to be spurting blood. Behind it stretched a long, green field. The street we were on would pass right through it. A shimmering light indicated the field and fountain were part of the spiral.

“Pardon me, but we must take a side street,” Chauncey said, indicating the field. “Normally we can go right through the garden, but the spiral is currently activated, and it is much too dangerous to traverse while the gargoyles are awake. They’re not supposed to attack us, but they’re a bit…touchy.” He pointed to a street that headed north. “Just in case, we should go around.”

“That’s one of the last major parts of the spiral,” Gretchen said. “The Garden. It’s filled with statues, and they come to life and attack.” She pointed at a row of three towers along the route. “All the while those things shoot fire at you. The fire doesn’t hurt the statues. We got through it by just running. I got burned to hell, but I used healing potions to get through. There’s this one centaur statue that trampled like a hundred people in a matter of seconds.”

“That’s the Tuileries Garden, and that big building past it is the Louvre museum,” Jonah said. “This garden has a rich history.”

“That museum is the last defensive castle. You don’t have to go in there to win the spiral. They say it’s filled with magical gear, and getting in is its own quest. There’s a couple guild halls in there. You have to be level 80 or above just to even think about it,” Gretchen said. “When I got this far, a group of us broke off to try to get in. I don’t know if they ever made it or not.”

We turned left, going deeper into the overgrown city. We turned right down a well-worn path. On my minimap, multiple pink, red, and even a few white dots appeared and disappeared as we traveled. Nothing accosted us.

We turned right again, and after another intersection, Castle Riot spread before us.

Popper Note 11

This was the back side of the castle, an angle from which I’d never seen it. Hell, I was pretty sure nobody had ever seen it from this side.

“Holy shit,” Jonah said, looking back and forth at the massive structure. “That thing is huge!”

Gretchen reached over and smacked me on the head before I could open my mouth. “Don’t say it.”

“What?” I asked.

“Okay, so I had it backward,” Jonah said, indicating the sprawling palace. “I should have known. The castle is standing where the old prison and justice buildings were. That church on the other side of the island is Notre-Dame.”

I didn’t really care. Jonah was always super interested in how things here matched up with their real-world counterparts. But those things were all gone now. And even if they weren’t, they were so very far away. It made my head hurt to think about it. It made me think of Molly and Juliette and Sam, and of everyone else I left behind.

We rushed up to a wide but unadorned bridge, coming onto the island from the north side. Jonah muttered something about the water being wrong, and I reminded him that Chauncey had said it was poisoned. The fact it was still poisoned made me believe there was a charm stone out there somewhere, turning the water foul.

“Weapons out,” Gretchen called as we rushed onto the island. “We don’t know if any of the prior residents are hanging around.”

I felt an odd tinge of sadness as we rushed onto the island. My friend Monobrow Sam had wanted so badly to complete the Riot quest, to make it to this island. We’d tried dozens of times, but we never made it. Sam died while I was in prison. When I got out that first time, my first instinct was to make sure I won the spiral in his honor. But I could never bring myself to even attempt it. Playing was never the same without my best friend.

My axe had been destroyed by Akkorokamui, so all I had left was my knife, Dolly Trauma. The damage-enhanced knife was a decent weapon, but I only had a skill level of four with it. I’d need to find something better soon.

The main square appeared abandoned. A battle had occurred here. The skeletal remains of several dozen hobgoblins littered the streets, along with the remains of a few kappas and some other strange monsters I’d never seen before, including a pair of devil-like ogre creatures with the wispy remains of long, black hair on the skeletons. Each were armed with massive, spiked clubs.

Once again, this was something we were meant to see. All dead bodies more than a few days old were always set up for something.

“Hey, look,” Jonah said, pointing to the giant, blue church. “It’s a church, but it’s not a church of Tharon!”

War Party> Lightning Trap in D1 triggered.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 188 casualties. 675 invaders remain.

“We’ll check it out, but not yet,” I said. I turned to Chauncey. “I need to get to some place called the defense cockpit. Do you know where that is?”

The coypu puffed out his little chest. “Of course I do, Regent Poppy. Would you like me to show you?”

“Yes. Do it now.”

“Very well. I shall take you to the stables first where we can stow these…”

“Fuck you,” Alice said.

“I apologize mademoiselle, but the rules are very…”

“Fuck you,” Alice repeated.

“Are the passages wide enough to accommodate my hippocorn?” I asked.

Chauncey hesitated. “Yes, I suppose, but we do not allow…”

“She’s coming with us,” I said. “I don’t care what the rules say. The new rule is mounts are allowed in the castle, as long as they fit.”

“Yeah,” Alice said.

Chauncey sighed. “And they say humans are more civilized than hobgoblins.”

The front of this castle was eerily similar to that of the Dominion castle. A wide moat surrounded the front gate, but the moat here lay empty. The drawbridge led to an imposing gateway, though the gate was raised. No guards stood present. It appeared the entire place was mostly abandoned, though just beyond the gate I saw a line of red, pink, and orange dots, indicating the royal stables. A single white dot of an NPC stood within.

Entering Riot Castle.

You have the ability to rename this castle. Do you wish to do so at this time? Y/N?

“Oh fuck yeah,” I muttered.

“What?” Gretchen asked.

“Nothing,” I said. I’d have to think about this. I clicked No for now. The castle needed to be named something awesome, but we were in a hurry.

We entered the courtyard. To our left stood the royal stables. We rushed by, but I caught sight of a strange, duck-billed NPC standing watch as we passed. Roars and trills emanated from the stables. The first, largest paddock contained a massive, gleaming black scorpion the size of a pickup truck. Its dot on the map was red, indicating it as a hostile enemy. It threw itself against the stable wall as we passed.

“Was that a platypus?” Jonah asked, looking back at the NPC standing by the scorpion mount.

“I don’t know,” Gretchen said. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

We traversed a second bridge, crossing a second dry moat. We entered a giant, humid room with walls covered with vines and ivy. Multiple palm trees were planted within, their large fronds creating a canopy.

“Jesus,” Jonah muttered. “It’s like a jungle-themed casino in here.”

We rushed through the immense, abandoned room, turning down a wide, dark hallway. The map indicated no signs of life whatsoever. The next room was filled with more skeletal hobgoblins and Orochi demons. We passed outside and then back in again four times before we came to an enormous pair of double doors. One of the doors hung sideways on a single hinge, and the other lay on the ground, covered with axe markings.

Several dozen hobgoblin skeletons lay scattered about the room. I did not see any demon skeletons at all. It appeared as if the hobgoblins had killed each other with their spears and large battle axes. I thought of Flaky the gorcupine, and how Akkorokamui had turned his corpse into a zombie. That’s what had happened here, I was sure.

Entering Defensive Cockpit.

A large table dominated the room. Upon this table stood a sprawling model of the city of Castellane and of the spiral’s defenses. This was similar to the ready room in the white jacket stronghold, but the table here glowed with a blue enchantment. Like in the white jacket headquarters, the towers were represented by wooden models, ranging in height from about six inches high to the largest, representing the Sentinel Tower, which was almost three feet tall.

“Oh wow. Open up the Spiral Defense menu,” Gretchen said.

I opened the War Party menu and switched to the Spiral Defenses tab. No new menus popped up, but the model before me lit up like a Christmas display. It was something out of a sci-fi immersion game, not a sword and sorcery game like this. The pieces of the models all now glowed, most of them yellow. Each tower had words hovering over them: Locked in Place and Unmanned.

In addition to the towers, the six defensive castles had models. The last five castles glowed yellow with the words Locked in Place and Unmanned over them. The first—the castle at the base of the Sentinel Tower—glowed red. It read Occupied by Enemy Forces. I remembered the hobgoblin oracle, who I was originally supposed to meet. I guessed that meant she was still there, lounging on her couch in Castle 1.

A large, red dot blinked on the map, about a quarter of the way through the spiral between the second and third castle. Hovering over the red dot was Prince Kankan (Hobgoblin Riot) 675 Hobgoblin warriors.

Hundreds of other blue and yellow and reds dots covered the model of the city, representing traps and other odds and ends. It would take hours for me to figure this shit out.

I pulled Alice up to the side of the table and hopped off, standing on the table. Chauncey gasped, as if offended, but I shot the little fucker a shut-your-fat-mouth scowl. I circled the map, careful not to kick anything.

I tentatively reached forward and tried to pick up the model representing the Sentinel Tower, which was almost as tall as me. It wouldn’t budge. A moment later, I had my ass kicked by a wall of incomprehensible text:

Sentinel Tower (Special.)

Class: Tower

Status: Unmanned.

Unable to assign defender.

Warning! This tower is locked in place and cannot be moved while the spiral is occupied by an invading force.

Warning! This tower may not be manned while Castle One is occupied by an enemy force.

Warning! You must have a skill level of five or higher in Siege Defense to move this tower.

Warning! You must have a skill level of one or higher in Siege Defense to man this tower.

Warning! Your party’s Rock Singer must be at least level 25 or higher to move this tower.

Your Siege Defense skill has risen from 0 to 1.

“Fucking hell! This is complicated as shit,” I said. “How the hell am I going to figure out how to work this thing?”

Gretchen, Jonah, and Bingo circled the map, looking at all the pieces. I knew math wizard Gretchen was doing her nerd arithmetic and Jonah was calculating angles and whatnot. I was glad they were here.

Gretchen reached forward and touched one of the many towers. She pulled her hand away, frowning.

“It looks like we can leave the defenses as they are and man them with defenders. If we want to actually move the towers around, we need to all level up our Siege Defense skill. You get to level one just by touching the map.” She pointed at Spritz the astound. The large rock creature stood silently in the back of the room, contemplating the map. “We also need to get her up to level five. It looks like she’s also required to move things around.”

“Indeed,” Spritz said, her eyes suddenly glossy. “I must be level five to move towers. Level ten, fifteen, and twenty to build certain towers or to facilitate certain tower upgrades. Level 25 to move castles and specials, and level 50 to build new castles.”

“Jesus,” I muttered. “I’m glad I ran into her at the guild.”

“So,” Jonah said, peering forward to examine some small aspect of the giant, room-sized map. “I think I understand. It looks like there are five base types of defenses. The towers, the traps, the castles, the barracks, and the obstacles.”

“That’s right,” Gretchen said.

Jonah grinned. “It’s just like a giant board game. This is my thing.”

“Oh yeah,” I said. “You’re a board game nerd.” The other night, he’d spent a good two hours talking about all these board games he used to own. He had a giant collection and nobody to play with back before we’d abandoned Earth. The only game in Harmony he’d managed to find was a chess set, and he and Keta had spent hours playing it. I tried playing it once, but I couldn’t remember how each piece moved. Jonah and I ended up just playing checkers with the pieces. He’d kicked my ass three times in a row before I vowed to never play him again.

Jonah reached forward to touch the map. “It looks like there are something like 75 towers, six castles—seven if you count this one—three barracks, dozens of traps… This barracks, the Butcher’s Delight. It’s both a barracks and a tower. It’s where the Tower of Saint Jacques was in real life, but moved over a couple blocks. And this Castle Five is also an obstacle.” He pointed to a tunnel near the middle of the spiral path. “What is this? ”

“It’s the Catacombs,” Gretchen said. “It’s an obstacle, I guess. It looks like we can’t see anything in there. But at the start is a safe room and a small general store. You can rest there but not sleep.” She pointed to another spot a bit further down. “You come out of the Catacombs here.”

“The Menagerie appears to be occupied by only twenty defenders,” Bingo said. He reached forward to touch the zoo park just south of the island. “The magic of the map will not let me interact with it.”

Gretchen, Jonah, and I all reached forward and touched the large square of the zoo.

The Menagerie.

Class: Obstacle.

Status: Armed. Currently at 13% occupancy.

Occupants: Eight humans. Two Texugo. Five gorcupines. Five Pazuzu. One oblivion walrus.

See the Beastmaster and the Master of Obstacles to refill this obstacle.

“There are five gorcupines in there,” I said.

Bingo stood straighter. He opened his mouth to say something, but Gretchen cut him off.

“Plus texugo and humans, which is weird,” she said. “We’ll have to go check that out when we can.”

“I will investigate this now,” Bingo said. “If these are fellow Spear Gullet Clan warriors, we alone will be sufficient to stop this invasion force.”

“Wait,” Gretchen said. “Remember the three fire towers overlooking the garden here?” She reached forward and touched one of them. “Yes, two are fire and one is plasma, whatever that means.” She paused. “Hmm, that third tower is a level-three fire tower and has been upgraded to specialize in plasma. I say we go to these towers and ambush them when they enter the Gardens.” She traced the path of the spiral around. “If they get through, it’ll give us time to run from the towers, cross the bridge, and face them in the Menagerie, where Bingo can hopefully talk his friends into helping. The Menagerie is pretty much our last stand.”

Jonah was nodding. “We really need to move these towers around,” he said. “Look at how inefficient these placements are. This level-three tower has the smallest cone of effect.” He pointed to another tower deep in the map. “Here’s another level-three tower. If we can just move it over a couple hundred yards, it can reach two sections of the spiral.” He clucked over all the different placements for a few moments. He reached forward and touched a trap and frowned.

“A sapper?” he said. “Do we have one of those?”

“No, why?” I asked, reaching forward to touch what appeared to be a vortex trap. The hobgoblins would walk over it in a few minutes.

Level 1 Vortex Trap

Class: Trap

Status: Armed

Warning! You must have a skill level of two or higher in Siege Defense to move this trap.

Warning! Your party requires a Sapper of at least level five or higher to move this trap.

“Shit,” I said. Bingo had attempted more than once to get me to hire one of those guys, but we’d never got around to it. “Hopefully we can still get one.”

I looked at Bingo now, who glared at the three of us impatiently. “Let’s send Bingo to his friends in the Menagerie now, before they get triggered and let out of the cages. He can talk to them through the bars, and if they’re hostile to him, he can get away.”

Bingo grunted, but nodded his appreciation.

“It’s your call,” Gretchen said after a moment. “You’re the regent.”

“What’s a vortex trap anyway?” Jonah asked.

“Eh, they’re not so good,” I said. “They suck for the victim though. You step on it, and a portal opens, and you get sucked somewhere else. You could end up anywhere in the world. It’s usually the ocean. My friend Monobrow Sam stepped on one once. He ended up somewhere in South America. He got torn apart by fire ants as soon as he landed. Anyway, the portal is only big enough for a single person, so it’s not an effective trap. I was a half-ogre, and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t get sucked into a level one vortex.”

I reached forward and touched the top of the first of the three towers Gretchen had indicated.

Level 1 Flamer Tower

Class: Tower

Status: Unmanned.

Click here to assign defenders. Requires one defender to activate. Requires three defenders for maximum efficiency.

I clicked over to assign soldiers, and that long list of players appeared. I could assign anyone I wanted to man the tower, but I didn’t know how it worked. If I assigned a random dude from Quibou to the tower, would he be magically transported there? Would he get a notification to run to the tower? And once in the tower, how did the defenses work anyway? Did the effectiveness of the tower depend on the person manning it? There’d never been anything like this in the game before as far as I knew.

I picked a random person from the list, a level 35 dwarf warrior named Willy. I clicked assign, and a message appeared:

Warning! This NPC is outside the city of Castellane. Are you sure you want to assign? I clicked no.

“Chauncey,” I said. “Is there anyone left in the city I can call upon to man the defenses?”

The rodent looked about nervously. “There’s only a handful of us left in the castle. Six of us, I believe. None of us are for that sort of thing I fear, monsieur.” Indeed, I noticed for the first time that Chauncey did not have a chevron over his head. Neither had that platypus-looking stablemaster guy. “There are some hobgoblins left,” he added. “But you won’t convince them to fight against their prince.”

“We’re going to have to do this shit ourselves,” I said. Gretchen nodded and Jonah grinned. I looked to Alice and sighed. Getting her into the castle was one thing, but getting her into a thin, needle-like tower would be impossible.

“Alice,” I said. “I have a job for you, Chauncey, and Bruce Bruce.”

Popper Note 12

War Party> Invaders are entering the Catacombs. Stats will be offline until the creeps reappear or are all killed.

“Christ, they’re booking it through this thing,” Jonah said. “What the hell is a creep?”

“That’s what they call them,” Gretchen said. “Invaders or creeps. It means the same thing.”

All three of us stood on the roof of an apartment block bordering the edge of the garden park. I’d never made it this far into the spiral before, but Gretchen explained how the statues all came to life at once and attacked. Each of the monster-shaped statues had its own distinctive shape and attack, culminating with a centaur figure at the end of the park that stood about fifteen feet high.

The three defensive towers stood side-by-side on the edge of the park. Technically all the towers were inside of the spiral territory, therefore were able to be either stormed or destroyed. However, the entrance to all three of these towers was clearly on the Castellane side of the spiral wall. The first would be manned by Granger, Tiatha, and Vern the half-ogre. The second by Winston, Nale, and Spritz. Jonah, Gretchen, and I took the third tower. Bingo was off on his own to talk to the other gorcupines. Bruce Bruce, Alice, and Chauncey were off on their mission.

The first two towers were level one flamer towers. This third one was a level three flamer tower, upgraded to specialize in plasma, which caused more damage. After I had assigned the three teams to the towers, a purple waypoint appeared in my vision, leading all of us here to this spot.

Each of the three turrets reminded me of the tower from the Rapunzel fairy tale. As towers went, these were on the smaller side. Each were about three stories tall, shorter than some of the apartment blocks deeper in the city. They were thin, round towers made of gray stone and capped with those alternating, teeth-like indentations in the stone. Jonah said they were called crenels and merlons, and the whole top was called a parapet. The spout was placed on this top battlement, but the mechanisms to control it were inside, and that’s where we would be.

Once up in the tower, we discovered the controls were simple and straightforward. We had three positions: the trigger, the looking glass, and the loader. The moment we reached the top level of the tower, the instructions appeared before us, a paragraph of text floating over each of the three positions in the tower.

Magical, basketball-sized globes of swirling blue popped into the room from a hole in the floor. The loader had to pick up the ball and move it to the chute. The defender manning the looking glass was responsible for spotting and aiming, and the trigger, who stood back from the others pulled a long, metal lever until it clicked in place, like a ballista. Once cocked, they pulled the trigger.

This being a plasma tower, a firehose-like gout of blue-hot plasma would shoot from the top of the tower and wash its target in death. Each magic basketball lasted about ten seconds, and the instructions stated it took twenty seconds for the tower to generate each ball of plasma. Apparently the other two flamer towers could shoot faster, but the plasma did a significant amount more damage.

The instructions over the ammunition came with an ominous warning:

Be wary not to drop the plasma orbs. Doing so may result in catastrophic failure of the plasma containment.

I was too short to man either the trigger or the looking glass, so I was stuck as a loader. I hesitantly picked up one of the swirling blue globes and was surprised to find it very light, and kind of squishy, like a poorly-inflated beach ball. My hands shook as I held the ball.

Gretchen took the trigger and Jonah manned the looking glass. We found that Gretchen’s expert-level longbow skill gave the tower a damage bonus and Jonah’s high observation skills increased the tower’s range. Also, the presence of all three of us, officers in the war party, increased the damage of all the defenses in a 100-yard radius.

We didn’t want the invaders to know which towers would be armed, so we waited until they were in the Catacombs before we shot a test fire. We watched from the safety of the roof as the two flamers spouted their long tendrils of flame across the park. I made Nale and Tiatha switch towers with one another so the second tower could benefit from Tiatha’s longbow skill. Satisfied it was the best we could do, Gretchen, Jonah, and I went up to test fire our tower.

“This is fucking awesome,” Jonah said, moving his telescope around. The blue fire crackled in the air, filling the world with the scent of burning plastic.

Your Siege Defense skill has risen from 1 to 2.

“Yeah, for you maybe,” I said, grumbling as I gingerly placed another live round in the hopper.

“You realize you’re the only one who can actually see what’s happening,” Gretchen added.

“Oh yeah,” Jonah said, smiling sheepishly. He was like a kid with a new gaming console. “Well this is just the first wave. Assuming we survive, we’ll try to find better towers for you guys next time. The lightning towers seem fun. The mortars might be cool also. There’s also one called a ‘Ladies’ Choice’ tower, and I want to figure out what it does.”

War Party> Invaders are emerging from the Catacombs.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 112 casualties. 460 invaders remain.

“Man, they’re half dead already,” Jonah said. “Maybe they’ll be whittled down to nothing by the time they arrive.”

“Maybe,” I said. “They seem to be tiptoeing around most of the traps. I think this Prince Kankan guy knows where they all are. The next few miles are mostly towers and a single barracks, none of which are armed. They have to get past the Hell Gate which is the only obstacle between here and there. Once past that, and we’re up.”

“What’s the Hell Gate?” Jonah asked.

Gretchen and I looked at each other, both of us realizing at the same time what we had to explain to Jonah.

“It’s kind of fucked up,” I said finally. I’d never actually faced it, but I’d watched videos of it. There was so much in this crazy maze I’d forgotten about this part.

Gretchen sighed. “It’s in the fifth castle, which is the one castle you have to fight through. They call it a castle, but it’s more like an arena. You go in, and this enormous statue of a doorway raises into the arena from below. The Hell Gate. It opens…it opens to the Lake.”

“What,” Jonah said, stiffening. He’d spent almost a full day down there before. I shuddered every time I thought about his ordeal.

“Yeah,” I said. “You enter this giant-ass room, and the gate thing is right in the middle. The door pops open, and these fucked-up monsters come out. There’s one for every member of the party. Each one is a demonic version of something you’ve killed before. It’s random. It could be the rat from the tutorial or it could be a level boss. So if your party has 1,000 people in it, 1,000 demons pour out of the gate, and each one will be different.”

“You can also just run through,” Gretchen said. “If you’re lucky, and the summoned monsters are mostly lower-level stuff, and it’s not too crowded, you can just run past. They will stop chasing you once you get back outside. You gotta get there, though. The arena isn’t that big, and it gets crowded. ”

“Jesus,” Jonah said. “Can we use that door to travel to the Lake on our own?”

“Uh,” Gretchen said. “I don’t know. Why would you want to do that?”

“I’m just wondering,” he said.

“The Lake is a big place,” Gretchen said. “Each deity has their own world down there, so even if you could manage to get through, you’d probably just get lost and eaten by something.”

This was the second time Jonah had alluded to wanting to be able to travel freely to the Lake, and I had no idea why.

“Anyway,” I said, “They just need to fight their way through that, and they’ll be on us. Most parties get through it okay, I think. It’s more time-consuming than anything I think.”

We spent the next half hour making sure the others knew the plan. Random trap notifications appeared, but the casualties were thin, usually just one or two hobgoblins killed each time. By the time they approached the Hell Gate, 430 hobgoblins still remained.

Barely five minutes passed before we got the next message.

War Party> Invaders are emerging from Castle Five.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 0 casualties. 430 invaders remain.

“What the fuck?” I said.

“That hell gate thing sucks,” Jonah said.

“Hmm,” Gretchen said. “Maybe it wasn’t armed. We’ll have to take a look at it.”

We returned to the plasma tower. I spent the time playing with the War Party menu while we waited for them to arrive. I could send messages to all the individual arrowed characters. I sent out a group command for everyone to converge on the Riot Castle as soon as it was safe. I told Raj to say safe and to remain where he was for now.

Raj: Raj is a scout! I will tell you when new armies approach!

Gretchen: Are any of the people with you warriors? We will keep some with you to protect you.

Raj: They all stay with Raj. None of them are arrowed, so Raj protects them! Raj is a soldier now!

After that, Gretchen spent some time looking through the menus. Eventually, she said, “It looks like only those already in your party and the mercenaries for hire have been arrowed. I thought that list was a little thin. That means there are many, many thousand more NPCs in the country of Libri that have not been conscripted. We’ll have to promote some to sergeant and order them to go on arrowing raids. We need to be more aggressive than we were in Harmony.”

I remembered the white jackets in Valisa and how they’d rushed through the market, arrowing everyone they could find when the burning fleet threatened the city. This was the same thing. A mass arrowing was sure to cause panic. But what choice did I have?

“Here they come,” Jonah said.

Popper Note 13

“They’re gathering at the edge of the garden, by the blood fountain” Jonah said, giving us a play-by-play of what was happening. “I think their plan is to just run through. Wait, they’re doing something.”

“What?” Gretchen asked.

“Everyone is jumping in the red fountain, one by one. They’re jumping in and out.”

“What the hell?” I said. “Why are they doing that?”

“They’re running!” Jonah said.

War Party> Invaders are entering the Gardens.

This was maddening. I stood poised over the ammo hole with nothing to do until the tower’s ammo ran out, and then I’d have to wait another ten seconds before I could spring into action. I couldn’t see a thing.

“Statues are activating. Whoa, those things are scary. There’s a dude riding a Pegasus, and he’s skewering them with his spear. There’s this other guy with his hand over his eyes, and he moves his hand, and a laser shoots out. They’re getting fucked up.”

Poppy: Tower one, go.

Granger: Firing now.

Despite us being a hundred meters or so away from that first tower, we could feel the heat emanating from the spout on the top. The fire roared as Granger rained hell on them.

Poppy: As soon as they reach that first cross sidewalk, tower two go.

Tiatha: I will do as instructed.

A moment later, tower two added its roar to the barrage. The heat in our tower was becoming unbearable. The growl of the fire shook the walls.

“Shit, I don’t think it’s working,” Jonah said. He had to yell to be heard. “The fire isn’t doing shit. The statues are fucking them up, but they’re running through the fire like it’s nothing.”

“Holy cow, the fountain,” Gretchen said. “There must be some fire insulation properties to the red water. The spiral is filled with stuff like that, little tricks to get past certain parts.”

Jonah growled with frustration. “Why would the hobgoblins put that shit in here if they’re trying to keep people out?”

“Because it’s a fucking game,” I said.

“It’s up to us,” Gretchen said. “Insulation isn’t going to protect them from plasma.”

“They’ll be in range in three, two, one,” Jonah said. “Fire!”

Gretchen pulled her trigger, and Jonah screamed as he waved the aiming nozzle.

“It’s working!” Jonah cried. “Where’s that prince asshole?”

Achievement Unlocked! Participate in a siege event.

Achievement Unlocked! Kill a hostile enemy using a tower.

Experience notifications started pouring in.

“Oh, fuck!” Jonah cried, leaning back as an arrow flew through the small opening in the tower. The arrow clattered to the floor by my feet.

The tower sputtered out. We had ten seconds before we could fire again.

“Shit, there he is, the prince,” Jonah called. “He’s faster than he looks. The giant centaur dude is crashing through, but a small group are already past him. Fuck, they’re going to get through. But not all of them. Hurry up and load that thing, and we can get the rear guard.”

The blue globe popped up, and I grasped it, gingerly dropping it in the hopper. My heart thrashed. The sound of fighting, and the screams of the dying rose heavy in the air.

“Tower loaded,” I yelled.

“Fire,” Jonah called.

Gretchen pulled the trigger again, sweeping up the last of the invaders.

A moment later, silence filled the battlefield. Gretchen jumped up to look out the small window, but it was too high for me.

“The statues are walking back to their positions,” Gretchen said. “There’s a ton of dead hobgoblins down there. The three of us had to have killed at least two hundred of them.”

“Jesus, that’s brutal,” Jonah said. “I can smell it from here. How the hell did anyone ever get through this?”

War Party> Invaders are emerging from the Gardens.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 420 casualties. 10 invaders remain.

“Yeah, baby!” I called. With only ten left, Bingo and Jonah alone could probably take the remaining fighters out.

“I wonder what he’s going to do,” Jonah said, still peering out the window. “It’s just that fat prince guy and a few battered warriors left.”

“He can’t turn back now,” Gretchen said. “If he wants to retreat, he’ll have to go through the Gardens again. The gargoyles would kill him for sure.”

“Check out our experience notifications,” Jonah said. “It’s not all that impressive.”

I looked, and it appeared I’d received a measly 215 experience for my part in killing all the hobgoblins. The experience one gained from being part of a tower crew wasn’t that great. My level bar had barely moved.

“It looks like we got just about one experience per hobgoblin killed by the tower,” Gretchen said.

War Party> Invaders are entering castle 6.

“I thought you said you could go around that last castle,” Jonah said.

“You can,” Gretchen said. “And it’s supposed to be really difficult to break into. It sounds like he knows a secret way in.”

“Do you think we should go in and get him?” Jonah asked.

“Yes,” I said. “Definitely. We’ll get a party together and smoke his ass out.”

“I don’t know,” Gretchen said. “That guy is tricky. Maybe we should post a guard outside but leave him be, wait for him to come to us.”

“What’s in there, anyway?” Jonah asked. “It’s the Louvre museum in real life. I know the Mona Lisa is in there and so is the Venus de Milo.”

“The naked chick with no arms?” I asked.

Jonah laughed. “That’s the one.”

“There’s supposedly a few guild halls in there,” Gretchen said, “along with some randomly-generating magical gear. I’m not really certain of the details. It’s a very high-level dungeon, but I never heard of there being anything really special in there. There are much easier-to-get-to dungeons in the world with better loot.”

“Wait, I know this,” I said, remembering something I’d read ages ago. “The Artistry guild is in there. It’s not the main one, but there’s something you can get there that artists all want.”

“Hmm,” Jonah said. “My artistry is level ten, but it’s also a non-enhanced skill, so I don’t know if the guild would really help.”

I shrugged. “Who knows. If that Prince Kankan guy does have a trick up his sleeve, I doubt it has anything to do with the damn artist’s guild. I still think we better go get him. I don’t like the idea of him just sitting there. Besides, we get prizes for beating the wave, and we don’t beat the wave until he’s dead.”

We met back with the others at the base of the towers. Below on the field, hundreds of small, goblin-like creatures appeared and were pulling the bodies away. Each creature was small, about the size of a gnome. Unlike gnomes, these creatures were thin, green beasts with pointed ears and sharp, angular jaws. They worked quickly.

“What are those?” Jonah asked.

“Chamber imps,” Gretchen said. “You see them in dungeons mostly. They mop up after big battles. They come out of nowhere, clean up, and disappear. It’s best to leave them alone. They’re not hostile. You can kill them easily, but you don’t get any experience. They are demon class creatures, so their blood is caustic. Also, if you touch one, you get a “Bad Hygiene” curse for an hour, which makes you smell really bad.

I laughed, remembering. “The curse also covers your skin in oily pimples. You can’t even hold your weapon while you’re cursed. You lose a bunch of dexterity. It’s like you’re drunk.”

Jonah grunted. “Stay away from the chamber imps. Got it.”

I watched the little green creatures gibber to one another as they cleaned up the mess.

“Let’s get back to Fort Bloodgasm,” I said. “We’ll check on Alice and see if Bingo had any luck talking to his old clanmates. We’ll get Winston and Vern to guard the exit of Castle Six until we decide what to do. We also need to sleep an hour to reset our regen.”

Neither Jonah nor Gretchen responded.

“Fort Bloodgasm?” Jonah finally asked. “What the hell is that?”

I grinned. “It just came to me. It rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?”

Popper Note 14

Castle Riot has been renamed to Fort Bloodgasm.

“That is the stupidest name I have ever heard,” Gretchen said. “Bloodgasm? Really?”

Jonah laughed. I grinned. “I was thinking Castle Greyskull at first, but I don’t want to rely on references, you know what I mean? I want to pave my own way.”

Gretchen muttered something about being forced to play with a bunch of children as we crossed the bridge into the newly-named Fort Bloodgasm. We’d left Winston and Vern just outside Castle Six, and they’d warn us if anything happened.

Poppy: Bingo, are you back yet?

Bingo: I am still conversing with these so-called gorcupines. I will give a report upon my return. I may be a few more hours. We have much to discuss.

“That sounds ominous,” Jonah said.

We found Alice and Bruce Bruce waiting for us at the stables. They stood with the tall platypus-like creature. I’d been afraid Alice would be upset at missing out on the action, but she bounced up and down with excitement as we approached.

“Popper! Hi!” Alice exclaimed as we approached. “We did what you asked. We completed the quest! We found the beastmaster! His name is Oliver.”

“Where’s Chauncey?” Gretchen asked, looking around for the coypu. He was supposed to help Alice and Bruce Bruce on their “quest.”

Alice looked around, just as surprised as we were. “He was here a minute ago. Or at least an hour ago. Or maybe two hours ago.”

The duck-billed creature looked at me with impassive eyes. I noticed with interest he wore twin whips on his belt. The creature stood about five feet tall. He had a wide, solid body covered in brown, oily hair.

“Regent,” Oliver said, nodding. The creature had an Australian accent.

“He knows a lot about animals,” Alice said. “He’s really nice. He has snacks.”

“He is strong. A strong man,” Bruce Bruce added.

Behind him, the paddock containing the gigantic scorpion mount rattled as the beast threw itself against the wall.

“We have a lot to talk about,” I said to Oliver. “We need to see about filling the Menagerie and arming the cage traps.”

“That’s what I do,” Oliver said. “But I can’t do much without the beasts to do it with.”

“So, what’re you saying? We need to gather up some monsters for the traps?” Jonah asked. “How are we going to do that?”

Oliver nodded. “I have traps of all sizes, and you’re free to use them. Before, the two princes would go out into the world, capture the beasts, and return them to me. If you wish to refill the Menagerie and the cage traps, you will have to do the same.”

“That’s going to be tough if we’re stuck in the city,” Jonah said.

I shook my head. “We’re not stuck in the city. We’re stuck in the country. We gotta be able to find something out there.”

“How many do we need?” Gretchen asked Oliver.

“The Menagerie can hold up to 150 large beasts. The spiral currently contains an additional 20 cage traps, and those can hold varying amounts based on the size of the monsters. We can add more traps, but you’ll need to build ‘em. Plus capture the beasties to stock ‘em.”

“What about the dungeons, then?” Jonah asked.

I nodded. I was thinking the same thing. “Yeah, can we go into Castle Six and use these traps to capture whatever is inside?”

Oliver looked thoughtful. “We can do this. Chief Musa never wanted us to interfere with the beasties living in the castles, but if your primary concern is getting the spiral defenses up and running, this is not a bad idea.”

“What sort of monsters are in Castle Six?” Jonah asked.

Oliver shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Speaking of Chief Musa,” I said. “Do you know where he might be hiding? Or Sandra the Learnt?”

The platypus man shook his head. “That wombat and two of his companions each took my best spider mounts and disappeared into Castellane when those bloody wankers took over the castle. They meant to bring the polecat with them, but one of those giant red buggers plucked her right off the spider as they fled. Later I found the spiders wandering around the parks south of here.”

“Okay,” I said, looking up into the darkening sky. “Here’s the plan. I’ve ordered all the mercenaries from Quibou to get their asses into the city, and to bring all the supplies they can carry. Granger and Nale will go out to meet them and guide them off the path so they don’t accidentally trigger anything. We’ll try to get some sleep, and tomorrow we’ll figure out what we’re going to do about Prince Kankan. We’ll get some of these mercenaries trained in how to use the towers, and we’ll start the process of catching monsters for the traps.”

Gretchen raised an eyebrow. “You’re really taking to this Regent Poppy thing.”

I grunted. “I’m the only one who can be doing it.”

Jonah added, “I’d like to spend some time playing around in the defense cockpit. I’m hoping to figure out how to get Spritz trained up so we can move the towers around. Did you look at her experience? She didn’t go up at all for helping to kill those hobgoblins. It looks like she only levels by building things.”

“We also need to make sure Jonah is in the castle by 9:58,” Gretchen said. “I don’t know if Riot Castle has the same magic protection as Castle Harmony, but we need to find out right away. What day of the curse are we on?”

“Sixty-six,” Jonah said.

That’s it? I thought. That meant we’d been awake in this damn game for just about two months. It seemed so much longer.

“So every undead within 6,600 meters…” Gretchen said, calculating. “That’s 4.1 miles. I need to look at the map of the spiral, but I’m pretty sure the Catacombs are closer than that. We might have to deal with a couple hundred skellies in a few hours.”

I nodded. There was so much to do. We needed to find sappers. We needed to promote some NPCs and send them out to the neighboring towns to arrow everyone they could find. We needed to find Chief Musa and Sandra the Learnt. We needed to keep Jonah safe. We had to talk to Bingo and figure out what he learned at the Menagerie. We needed to explore Fort Bloodgasm and see what resources were available here in the castle. We needed to explore Castellane, and we needed to check out this new church as well.

Alice was talking to me, but I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts it took me a minute to realize it.

“…these little sausages, and they taste so good. Bruce Bruce tried to eat five, but Oliver said we could only each have four. None of the other mounts got any, and I could tell they were mad, especially the scorpion. That thing doesn’t talk anyway, and she just wants to attack us. Bruce Bruce is afraid of her, but I’m not. Some of the other mounts seem nice. Not the spiders. They kind of freak me out. He has an iguana in there named Smelly Pierre, but I took a good sniff, and he didn’t really…”

She continued like that while we walked back into the castle. I realized suddenly I was exhausted. I checked the time, and it was just past 8 P.M.. So much had happened today. My exhaustion level was perilously low, 10 percent. If I didn’t sleep soon, I’d end up collapsing whether I wanted to or not. Once I hit 9 percent exhaustion, I’d receive a one-point debuff to all my main stats. Two points at 5 percent. At zero, I’d have a 50/50 chance of either dropping dead or falling unconscious for 10 hours straight.

“Let’s all get an hour and a half before we do anything else,” I said. That would kick my exhaustion up to 40 percent. “We’ll wake up at 9:30, see if Jonah’s curse triggers. If anything is summoned, we’ll figure out what to do from there.” A row of hobgoblin-sized bedrooms stood one after another just outside the defense cockpit. I knew there were likely better, more opulent quarters somewhere in this massive castle, but we’d have to explore for them tomorrow.

Gretchen pointed out we couldn’t all go to sleep at once in case Prince Kankan and his nine remaining soldiers decided to emerge from their castle. She agreed to take the first watch. She’d catch up on her sleep later.

Jonah seemed just as exhausted as I was, and he barely said anything as he took a room. I took the next one down, with Alice parking herself just outside. She couldn’t fit through the door. She circled a few times and decided she couldn’t get comfortable.

“Can I go back out to the stables? He has room out there,” she asked through the open doorway.

I smiled. “Of course.”

“Oh boy,” she muttered excitedly and bounded away, but not before whispering something to Bruce Bruce who also rushed back outside.

I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes, only to receive an unexpected notification.

Warning! Sleep is unavailable while a spiral wave is active.

“Fuck!” I said, bolting upright.

Jonah appeared at my door. He held a pair of yellow stamina potions. “No rest for the wicked, huh?”

Popper Note 15

The thing with stamina potions was you could only take two before the side effects started to fuck with you. A single drink from one of the expensive potions brought your exhaustion back up to 100%. If you took a second without sleeping, it’d only knock you up to 75%. A third potion would only bring you to 25% and imbue you with a “Potion Sickness” debuff. Your hands would start to shake, and you’d get double vision. I’d only done three in a row once before, during the storm giant quest. I’d gotten separated from my party and hid in a closet, unable to sleep because of the Lightning Crawlers just outside. I had two magical items in my pack, and I didn’t want to lose them. I was up in a cloud, and there would be no corpse run to get my stuff back if I died. I would lose every unequipped item I had. I had to put my half-ogre into auto-pilot while I logged out, with strict instructions not to move or attack anything. Three days later, I was still stuck in the closet. I took my third stamina potion, and I instantly regretted it. My heart fluttered, and I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. I ended up equipping the unidentified magical gear, a tiara and a bracer, and stepping out to face the Lightning Crawlers alone, which was the equivalent of battling an oncoming train with a Jell-O-filled sock.

I was killed right away, of course. The bracer ended up being worthless. The tiara was cursed. It stuck painfully to my head and lowered my Magic Ability stat by two. It also showered me with pink sparkles when I walked. I couldn’t afford to get it removed for almost a week. Monobrow Sam thought it was the funniest shit he’d ever seen.

Anyway, the moment I realized I wouldn’t be able to sleep as long as Prince Kankan was holed up in that castle, I knew we’d have to go haul his ass out right away. I was ready to get him out right then and there, but Jonah and Gretchen both convinced me to wait for morning.

Bingo still hadn’t returned, but he insisted he’d be back as soon as he was done “negotiating,” whatever that meant. He also added, worryingly, that Chauncey was now with him at the Menagerie. He didn’t elaborate why.

Gretchen, Jonah, and I found a balcony that faced north, overlooking the city. We ventured outside into the cool air. We still had a half hour before Jonah’s curse cycled. I was hopeful that the castle’s magic protection would block the curse, just like it did at Castle Harmony, but we needed to be ready, just in case. The skeletons would pour out of the Catacombs and shamble their way toward the island. That was the last thing we needed. Would the automatic spiral defenses even work against the skeletons? And if there were any other undead beasts roaming freely in the city…

I sighed. It was always something, wasn’t it?

Lights dotted the giant metropolis, mostly along the tops of the buildings. The remaining hobgoblins, I realized. I knew the population had been decimated by starvation, but if the lights were any indication, several thousand still remained.

I wondered if they were staring back at us now, wondering what to do about the human usurpers in their castle.

“It’s just a game,” Jonah whispered, as if his thoughts mirrored my own.

“I forget sometimes,” I said. Sometimes I don’t want to remember.

Thinking of that made me wonder on the nature of our situation. I’d been deliberately not thinking about why we were really here for so long, my brain rebelled against reality. I didn’t want to face the real world because facing the real world made me think of things I didn’t want to think about.

“So, I don’t understand what Waldo does and doesn’t know,” I said, looking over the twinkling lights of Castellane. “I think he knew that Bingo had been here before. That’s why he suggested I take him with me. He seems to know everything about us and what we’ve done so far in the game. He knew the hobgoblin army was marching on Harmony before we did. But he didn’t know that Sandra the Learnt was here. Or was here at least. He didn’t know Keta was planning on betraying us. Why is that? Are we sure he’s, I don’t know, a good guy?”

Jonah seemed appalled at the idea. “I trust him. He saved me. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. But you’re right. I don’t know why he knows what he does. I believe he can see and watch all the active players in the game, and he knows everything they know. But not so much with the NPCs.”

“He’s the life-control AI,” Gretchen said “All the stuff that happens here in the game gets here,” she tapped her own forehead, “and to get there, all the things we’re seeing and experiencing are filtered from the game into our neural cradle. Waldo is in charge of our life control rigs. So it would make sense that everything we see and hear, he can also see and hear. He has limited control over the game itself, but he has full access to the knowledge of all thirteen of us.”

The number of active players in the game had gone down by one when Daniels had been banished, but it had gone up by one a few days later. Waldo had said the number would fluctuate as others woke up or got themselves trapped in business centers.

“Yeah, you’re right,” I said, realization dawning. “If Waldo can see us, then he knows where the other active players are. Hey Jonah, maybe he can tell you where Isabella is.”

Jonah looked down and shuffled his foot, that way he always did when he was about to say something. “Yeah, so, there’s something I gotta tell you.”

“What is it?” Gretchen asked.

He sighed. “Waldo does know where all the active players are, but he won’t tell me until he’s supposedly ‘cleared’ them, whatever that means. There are a few folks out there who are members of the primary crew, the crew who were all awake and on station when the order to crash The Hibiscus supposedly came through. Smallthunder was one of them, as was Daniels and Isabella. He only wants us to contact these crew members as a last resort because he doesn’t trust any of them. He tried to talk me out of distributing that book, but I told him to suck it.”

This revelation wasn’t particularly surprising, though I wasn’t sure why he wouldn’t have told us this sooner. “Fuck those guys,” I said. “Especially your ex-girlfriend.”

“Wait, you finished your book?” Gretchen said.

“This morning, right after Popper left. I wrote the last part and dropped it off at the scriptorium guild.”

“You should probably have waited,” I said, waving my hand at the city in front of us. “This shit that’s happening now could probably go in there.”

Jonah scowled. “Didn’t we have this conversation already?”

I grunted. “I’ll let Raj write it for me.”

Jonah let out a stream of breath. “Anyway, there’s more. Remember how I told you that Keta had tested her Portal spell ability on me?”

“Jonah, what did you do?” Gretchen asked.

“Yeah, so I had a hunch. In the real world, there’s this small village in Nigeria called Akilaiya…”

“Nigeria?” I said. “Isn’t that in Africa? Where all the emails come from?”

“Yes,” Gretchen said, her voice cold.

“Holy shit,” I said. “Are you about to tell me you went to fucking Africa by yourself? Because if that’s what you’re about to tell me, fair warning, man, I’m about to kick your fucking ass.”

Jonah smiled sadly. “I went to Africa. Here in the game the country is named Rafingo, and the city of Akilaiya isn’t even there. It’s pure jungle.”

“There aren’t any major cities in Africa, except in the far north and the far south,” Gretchen said. “They were supposedly keeping it open for the next expansion. All the countries have just one capital city, very few quests, and that’s it. It’s all wild terrain and crazy monsters, like Bingo. The developers would beta test new creatures there in massive, inaccessible wildlife reserves. Only an absolute idiot would travel there by himself.”

Jonah nodded. “The village wasn’t there, but a small castle was, surrounded by a moat and guarded by…well, I don’t know what the hell that thing was. I didn’t actually see the castle as it was all thick jungle, but it was clear on the minimap. I zapped in about a quarter mile away, and I immediately knew I’d gone to the right place. I saw a single blue dot just outside the castle. It disappeared and reappeared a minute later with four others, a total of five people. There was also a big orange dot. I got a glimpse of it before I jumped back into the portal. It was like a mix between a brontosaurus and a pit bull.”

I looked at Gretchen, and it looked like she was coming to the same conclusion as me.

“Jonah,” I said. “You said this was about 120 miles from that big city, what was it?”

“Lagos. The capital of Nigeria.”

“Are there any other real-life big cities that are closer?” Gretchen asked.

“Why?” Jonah asked. “There’s Ibadan, which is pretty damn big, maybe four million people.”

“How far is that?” Gretchen asked.

“About 50 miles.”

“There has to be a closer city than that,” I said.

“Why?” Jonah repeated. “What’s going on?”

Gretchen answered. “You can’t just use the Portal spell to pop anywhere in the world. At its most basic level, you zap next to a travel beacon. The further away from the beacon, the stronger you have to be. When Keta opened the portal at the base of the Defender’s Door earlier, it was about a mile and a half away from the beacon in Quibou, and she made a big show about it being just on the edge of her ability to do so. Remember when she was going to zap us to get the abbot fruit? Before Raj saved the day, she’d picked a place near a large city.”

“We don’t know what the country borders in Africa look like,” Jonah said. “There’s dozens of medium-sized towns in that part of the world. You said each country has one city, right? Maybe there’s one nearby. There’s a bigger village to the west of there, about three miles away in the real world.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Or maybe she’s full of shit, and she didn’t zap you to where she said she did.”

“Or,” Gretchen added, “She did, and she’s significantly more powerful than she let on.”

“Eh, she’s strong. But I still killed her in the tournament,” I said.

Gretchen grunted. “You didn’t kill her. You killed yourself and took her with you.”

Jonah seemed to brood on that. “I’m pretty sure that was Africa,” he said after a moment. “The country name, Rafingo, sounds Nigerian, and all the country and city names seem to take inspiration from their real-life locales. Plus the geography seemed correct to me.”

“And you didn’t see anything else on the map except that castle?” Gretchen asked. “What did Keta say when you asked her to zap you there?”

“There was nothing,” he said. “Except loads of pink dots in the jungle and these oryx monsters. As for Keta, I pointed out the spot on my map. She took it, looked at it for a long time, and then just asked me when I wanted to go.”

“Oh shit,” I said, a notion forming. “That crazy bitch. She has your map now, right?”

“Yeah,” Jonah said.

“Did you ever actually finish it?” I asked.

“It’s pretty done,” Jonah said. “I keep doodling. When my map skill goes up, sometimes certain areas just pop in my head, and I add details. It’s actually kind of creepy. Did you know there’s a continent in the South Pacific? Centered right where the Pitcairn islands used to be, before they got wiped off the planet?”

“What’re you thinking?” Gretchen asked me.

“Remember what Yi said about his map?” I said. “That it was magic. And remember when we tried to look at it that one time? The system said it was an unidentified scroll.”

Gretchen’s eyes went wide. “It’s the map. Keta can use the map to cast Portal anywhere she wants.”

“That’s what I’m thinking,” I said. “Without fast travel, someone with that map and the ability to cast Portal would be one of the most powerful motherfuckers in the world. Can you imagine?”

“That must be it,” Gretchen said. “That’s why she turned on us.”

“I thought we were friends,” Jonah said, fuming. “You think she did it to steal the map? Not the crown? Or do you think it was both? Can she actually take over the Dominion?”

“I don’t know,” Gretchen said. “I don’t think she can. I think they’ve set it up so only players and a few special NPCs have the ability to take over whole countries, like that Orochi demon and the hobgoblin warlord. If someone like Keta can do it, there’d be chaos. There’s a lot of evil NPCs in this game. Besides, you would’ve gotten a notification right away. You’re not in the castle, so someone can occupy it for 30 days and take over. The fact that hasn’t happened suggests Keta isn’t attempting a coup.”

“I just want to go home,” Jonah said after a moment. He rested his head on Gretchen’s shoulder.

I thought of home. Of Juliette and Molly. Lost to me.

We sat in silence, watching the lights twinkle. Tomorrow we would go explore.

“It’s almost time,” I said, glancing at my clock.

“You still have my watch,” Gretchen said. “I can’t tell the time without it.”

I fished it out of my pocket, handing it to her.

All three of us held our breath as the clock ticked over to 9:58.

A moment later, Jonah let out a stream of breath. “It’s just like Castle Harmony. It says the curse failed to cast. You were right, Gretchen.”

“At least something is going our way,” Gretchen said.

“Don’t say that shit,” I said. “You know you’re just going to jinx…”

Raj: A group of dwarves just walked into town. They are different than normal dwarves. Their skin is purple! Like a big bruise!

I threw my hands in the air. “See? This is all your fault!”

Gretchen gave me the finger.

Gretchen: How many are there?

Raj: Just a few, but they are standing in the pavilion, like they are waiting for something. They come one by one. Wait. Raj sees more. More are coming.

Gretchen: Okay, thanks, Raj. Give us an update in a couple hours.

Raj: Raj is a scout!

“Purple dwarves?” Jonah asked. “What the hell are those?”

“They’re the tormented,” Gretchen said. “They’re a common mob. You usually find them under mountains in North America. I’m guessing this is what we’re facing in round two.”

“But what are they?” Jonah said.

Gretchen rubbed her forehead. “There’s an old story about the tormented. They used to be normal dwarves, living in a large mine complex. This was long ago. They worshipped a vagrant god, a demon of the underworld. This is from the second age, so after the primordials but before the current timeline with the pantheon. When the goddess Accord, daughter of Dak banished all the false gods at the start of the third age, the adherents of the banished gods were punished. The dwarves, unable to be rewarded with an afterlife, are left to suffer until their god returns.”

“So basically it turns them purple and mean,” I said. “There’s a quest to find and free their demon god. It’s a giant mole thing. These tormented are tough, but they’re slow. We should be okay this round if that’s all there is and we can get at least some of these towers armed.”

“That’s a big if,” Gretchen said. “Something tells me none of these waves are going to be easy.”

Raj Note 1

My name is Raj. I am a scout. I am scout Raj.

I help King Jonah, General Gretchen, and Regent Poppy. I am watching for the bad monsters.

I am also a protector. I am protecting 15 people. I am keeping them safe. They were at the hotel when the hobgoblins came. They are all sorts. They are mostly old and young. They are scared. I am scared too. But I will pretend to be brave. It makes them feel better. When Raj’s mother made me leave, she said I had to be brave. I had to be a real man. She said she would come back one day. So Raj pretends to be brave.

Raj’s mother will come back, and we will walk on the beach and collect seashells and sand like we used to.

I will save these people, like a real, brave man. Like King Jonah, like General Gretchen, like Regent Poppy. When I save them, I know my mother will come back. She will see I am brave. She will see I can afford to pay for my own food. We will go to the beach, and she will hold my hand.

I can protect her, too.

I am a protector.

Popper Note 16

Bingo finally staggered back to the fort at about 10 A.M. We were in the defense cockpit, talking strategy on our raid for Castle Six. Outside on the main part of the island, Granger and Nale were organizing the mercenaries who had heeded the call to come to the city, and we’d just spent some time inspecting them. Despite my list having about almost 2,000 names on it, only 75 mercenaries or so showed up, and I didn’t know why. Apparently just ordering them to do something using the war party chat wasn’t always enough. Another item for the list of shit to figure out.

I noted no mages came, nor any rogues or sappers or clerics. In fact, they were all fighters and archers, with a single exception. A tall, broody, auric bard arrived with the others, hanging back with three robed archers.

“The difference between normal parties and war parties still bothers me,” Jonah said, eyes glossy as he examined the properties of the NPCs. “I know how to arrow people and to order them about, but even when we fought with the white jackets earlier, they weren’t in our party. How are war parties different?”

“Yeah, it can be confusing,” I said, shrugging. “There are parties, and there are war parties. They’re two different things. Quests don’t transfer with war parties, and the way experience is shared is also different. If you’re an officer in a war party, you can order arrowed characters around if they’re a lower rank than you. You can also form subgroups in war parties, battalions and platoons and so forth. Groups running the riot were always put in a battalion-level war party together, with the highest-ranking player as the leader. That way you got notifications when nearby players were killed, you had a dedicated party chat system, and you could see their names floating over their heads. You don’t see the floaty names unless you’re in a normal party or in a war party subgroup.”

The plan was to use all the mercenaries to storm Castle Six, breaking through the main entrance and the back at the same time. A host of archers and warriors would also stand watch outside, in case the prince emerged from a secret exit. Wherever Prince Kankan was hiding, we’d find him.

Bingo limped into the defense cockpit. He was covered in blood, and half his quills were bent and displaced. Chauncey trailed after him, clucking about the blood staining the carpet.

“What the hell happened to you?” I asked.

Tiatha, who’d been quietly watching us from the back of the room, stepped forward, her hand raised. Bingo glowed, and his wounds closed up. His quills shimmered as he placed them in a resting position on his back. The massive gorilla nodded at the healer, breathing heavily.

“The three gorcupines who were occupying the Menagerie are all of Bristle Clan, the same clan as Winston. They are supposed to be subservient, but they did not show proper respect. I was forced to reestablish the hierarchy.”

“And that took all night?” I asked. “Aren’t they locked up in cages?”

“Also, aren’t there five of them?” Gretchen added, looking down at the map and frowning.

“The…negotiations between gorcupine clans takes many hours. We start with telling our history and why we are the dominant clan. My stance was Spear Gullet Clan has always been dominant over Bristle Clan, and there was no reason to change that now. Their stance was they had five warriors, and I was only one. I showed them the error of this stance. Now they are three warriors. Four if Winston wishes to rejoin them.”

“Jesus, Bingo. You kill your own kind more than anything else! How did they get out of the cage?” I asked again, my eyes settling on Chauncey, who shrank back into a dark corner of the room.

“I had the Master of Obstacles open the relevant cages.”

“Master of Obstacles?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

The coypu looked sheepish. “Ah, yes, monsieur. That was one of my many previous titles under Chief Musa. While Oliver was responsible for the monsters, the maintenance of the six major obstacles was mine, so the Menagerie fell under my purview.”

Bingo grunted. “Oliver may be the so-called beastmaster, but during my time in the Menagerie, I never saw him. All of my experiences were with the rodent, and his whip.”

“Whip?” I asked, looking at the coypu. I couldn’t even begin to imagine that tiny creature facing down Bingo with any sort of weapon.

“Will the other two gorcupines regenerate in time for the next wave?” Jonah asked, poking at the Menagerie model with his finger. “Oh shit,” he said a moment later. “I guess not. Check out the notes section.”

I focused on the model of the zoo and pulled up the relevant passage:

Please note, beasts added to the Menagerie will not regenerate in their cages, but will be returned to their previous home. This applies to the Menagerie only and not any other traps or obstacles in the spiral.

Shit. That meant even if we did manage to fill the zoo with deadly monsters, we’d have to do it all over again after each wave if any were killed.

“Did you talk to the humans there?” Gretchen asked.

“Yes,” Bingo said. “I left them in their cages so you can look upon them before deciding what to do. There are eight humans and two texugo, all of them white jackets. They were once many, according to their leader, but the coypu removes one every other day to feed the remaining staff of this castle.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I said, turning on Chauncey. “You little fucker. When were you going to mention this?”

“Ah, well, you see, when you arrived, monsieur, there was much urgency. And then this monstrosity kidnapped me and whisked me off to the Menagerie to open the cages, and I never got the chance. It was first on my list for when you returned from your battle.”

I exchanged a look with Gretchen and Jonah. We needed to let those guys out right away, but we’d have to talk to them first, just to make sure they weren’t all batshit.

“What about the other beasts? What were they? Pazuzu? And what the hell is an oblivion walrus?” Jonah asked.

Chauncey wrung his hands nervously. “Yes, the five pazuzu demons are present and as angry as always. They are formidable adversaries. I advise to leave them be.”

“What about this walrus thing?” Jonah asked.

“Oblivion walruses are mean, semi-intelligent walrus creatures from the north,” Gretchen said. “I don’t know how they got one here. They’re really difficult to kill. They’re called oblivion walruses because their insides are bigger than their outsides. There’s this one quest where you have to find a golden walrus and deliberately get yourself swallowed by it. There’s a whole, full-sized dungeon on the inside. Normally you kill one, and a bunch of sea-lion things come out and attack you.”

“Okay,” I said, looking back at the map. “We’ll look in on all of that after we deal with Prince Kankan. I’m glad you’re back, Bingo. I got a question for you. Do you fancy yourself a backdoor or a front door man?”

* * *

An hour later, we marched the short distance to Castle Six, which stood grandly at the end of the Gardens. The gargoyle statues had returned to their podiums, but I warned everyone not to set a single foot on the grass, lest they activate them again.

Gretchen and I decided to leave Alice and Bruce Bruce at the stables. Alice pouted, but with only a fraction of the gusto she normally showed when she was being left behind. Everyone else from the original party joined us, including Spritz.

I hadn’t been able to find a new weapon, so I clutched Dolly Trauma, my long knife. I needed to replace my armor as well.

As we marched, Granger introduced us to three archers of note.

“These are the archers I attempted to add to our party earlier, before we hit difficulties,” Granger said, indicating three robed figures. “They are more proficient with the bow than anyone I have ever met.” All three lowered their hoods to regard me.

All three were human females, all about 18 years old. They were identical triplets, I realized, but were otherwise unremarkable. These were typical, brown-haired, brown-eyed human NPCs, and I would never have given them a second look. I would never have guessed they were so skilled that an expert like Granger would be impressed. Each gazed upon me with a look of surprised amusement.

“You’re the leader?” the first asked.

“She’s just a kid!” the second added. “That’s kind of cool.”

The third just looked at me.

Each wore their hair differently, and it was the only way I could tell them apart. The first kept hers in a side ponytail, and the second appeared to have somehow gotten her hands on a massive can of hairspray, so much so that it poofed out several inches when she removed her hood. The third’s hair was cropped short.

Trailing right behind them was the bard I had noticed earlier. He was an auric. The long-haired elf creature said nothing, but his eyes gave the impression he’d rather be anywhere but here. He had a well-worn stringed instrument slung over his shoulder.

“This is Starr, Crystal, and Kitty Chapman,” Granger said of the archers. “All three should be addressed as ‘Mistress,’ but they refuse the honorarium.”

“Holy shit,” Jonah said a moment later. “They’re each level 30 with the longbow.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said. “We can really use you in the towers. In fact, I know exactly where I want to put you.” In the distance, the abandoned Sentinel Tower stood watch over the city.

“Whatever,” Starr said.

“As long as Ace comes with us, we’re good with wherever you put us,” Crystal said.

Kitty Chapman, the third sister with the cropped hair, continued to say nothing.

“Who’s Ace? This guy?” I asked, indicating the bard.

“Actually, my name is…” the bard began.

“You’re Ace,” Starr said.

“Why do you need him?” I asked.

“Because,” Crystal said. “If we have to be away from jukey, then we’re going to bring jukey with us.”

“What the hell are they talking about?” Jonah asked.

Starr—the one with the side ponytail—reached forward and grabbed Jonah’s forearm. “Ooh, he’s muscly.”

Crystal reached forward and grabbed his other one. “Yeah he is. Too bad he’s a hunter.”

“I have no idea,” Gretchen said.

“Jukey, you know,” Starr said, stepping back from a bewildered Jonah. “The oracle of music. His shrine stands in the pub where we wait to be hired every day. A while back we figured the day might come when we would have to leave. So we made Ace here learn all of our favorites. He’s our personal jukey. He’s no David Coverdale, but he’s serviceable.”

“We call him Ace. After Ace Frehley, the original guitarist for KISS.”

Gretchen and Jonah just stared at the girls, open-mouthed.

“Oh shit,” I said. “Jukey is a jukebox. That’s the name brand on the units.” Some of the larger pubs in the world had jukeboxes in them, and they worked like the real thing. “NPCs aren’t supposed to be able to use them.”

“They’re not supposed to know who KISS is, either,” Gretchen said.

“Who the hell is David Coverdale?” Jonah asked.

“Oh my gods,” Starr said. “He’s the greatest singer ever.”

Crystal laughed with derision. “Of course he wouldn’t know any Whitesnake. Look at him. He’s a hunter. He’s probably into that same country western bullshit the half-ogres like. But David Coverdale is not the best singer. Please. Don Dokken, Sebastian Bach, even Axl Rose are better.”

“I have no idea who any of these people are,” Jonah said. “Is Axl Rose from that Welcome to the Jungle song?”

“There’s hope for you yet!” Starr said, brightening. “Now, if you know who Joe Elliot is, I’ll truly be impressed.”

“How is this possible?” I asked Gretchen and Jonah. The two sisters continued to argue over who the best singers were from a genre of music that had been popular long before I’d even been born. NPCs weren’t supposed to know anything about the real world at all.

“This is really worrisome,” Gretchen said. “It’s another sign that the NPCs are waking up. But this is far beyond anything I thought possible.” She turned to the first girl. “Uh, Starr, is it? Where do you think this music comes from?”

“It comes from Jukey,” she said.

“I know, but where does Jukey get it?”

“Well,” Starr said. “It depends on the band. Def Leppard is from Sheffield in the country of England. KISS and Twisted Sister are from the state of New York. But most of the ones we listen to are from Los Angeles in the state of California. Guns N’ Roses. Dokken. Mötley Crüe. The biographies of the bands are all available on Jukey’s info screen.”

“Wait,” Jonah said. “These are all 20th-century hair metal bands?” He laughed. “Holy shit.”

“Why do you like hair metal?” I asked. “Most of the, err, Jukeys, have a library of pretty much everything. The more recent stuff is so much better. Have you listened to any blast? RVM? Though girls your age are usually into the more pop stuff.”

“Wait,” Gretchen said, holding up her hand. “Starr, where do you think Los Angeles is? Or New York?”

Starr exchanged a look with Crystal before answering. “Do you know where Los Angeles is? Because if you do, you really gotta tell us. We’re headed there.”

“If it still exists,” Kitty Chapman said, talking for the first time. “After the tsunami.”

Jonah suddenly turned serious. “Half the city was destroyed, but they’d started rebuilding.”

“So you do know where it is,” Starr said, becoming excited. “If they’re rebuilding, that means we can still go.”

“How do you know about the tsunami?” I asked Kitty Chapman.

“There’re multiple songs and albums about the event,” Kitty Chapman said.

The southern California tsunami had happened after DoB had been shut down. I didn’t know if that was important or not, but it seemed notable.

“If you have access to the biographies of all the bands,” I said, “then you gotta know most of these guys are long dead. That type of music isn’t very popular anymore.”

“We know,” Starr said. “It doesn’t matter. We want to go. After we’re done with this conscription bullshit, we’re still headed there. Telling us how to get there is the least you can do after forcing us to fight against our will.”

“Guys,” I said. “I gotta tell you, Los Angeles is…”

“Very far away,” Gretchen interrupted, “And we’ll be happy to tell you all about it when we’re done.” Gretchen gave me a look of warning.

We approached Castle Six from the rear. Vern stood waiting for us to approach, his giant maul slung over his shoulder.

“No peeps from the castle,” he said. “He either got out another way or he’s still in there.” Winston stood watch at the front.

According to the map in the defense cockpit, the castle was still occupied. So we knew he was in there somewhere.

“Okay, then,” I said. “Let’s do this.”

From above, the castle was shaped vaguely like a large capital A, with the back entrance being the tip of the A. The main entrance was in the middle of the center cross section. A massive, elaborate door stood between the two triple-story arms that ran east to west. This main door faced the Gardens where we’d had our earlier battle with the towers. However, the fortified and chained-up door appeared undisturbed. Prince Kankan and his small crew of warriors must have entered the castle using a secret entrance.

Jonah grumbled something about a pyramid and underground lobby, but it was in regards to the real-world version of the museum. While having a geography expert was very helpful most of the time, I still believed all that crap rattling around in his head could sometimes be just as much of a liability. There were no pyramids and underground lobbies here. This wasn’t the real Louvre Museum, and he needed to get that in his head.

I nodded at Bingo, and the gorcupine and his party of 30 warriors rushed toward the back end of the massive complex. They stood ready to beat down the exit door while we breached the front. The triplets and the other archers took positions around the entire complex. If the hobgoblins escaped out of an above-ground passage, somebody would see them.

“Spritz,” I said as we approached the gate. “Whenever you’re ready.”

The rock creature strode forward. She waved a hand at the front wall of the castle and muttered a few words. She looked at me.

“I cannot do this. It appears I am not high enough level.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” I said. I’d been hoping the astound could erase the front door. Apparently it wasn’t going to be so simple. “Okay, boys, plan B. Pound the shit out of the door until it breaks.”

A line of warriors broke forward and started smashing their weapons against the gate. It took a good long time to splinter open the door. The wood crashed forward under the weight of the blows of the half-ogre warriors who pushed their way in, shouting and swinging their weapons.

Bingo: We have breached the rear entrance.

Poppy: Have at it, buddy. Happy hunting.

I hollered at the warriors pouring into the front gate, “Search and destroy, boys!”

“Don’t kill the monsters unless you have to!” Gretchen yelled after them as we rushed forward to enter the large castle.

On the minimap, the white with blue cross dots of the war party members pulled away as they disbursed into the castle.

“What sort of notifications will we get?” Jonah asked as he pulled Triple Fang free.

Gretchen answered. “In plain war parties, you get notifications if they’re physically close to you. If someone in your party gets killed, the death notification will pop up like a normal one. In large battles with hundreds of people dying by the minute, it gets grayed out and scrolls by super fast unless the person is on your hot list or is a commander. The way experience is shared is a little different. In a regular party, all you have to do is either assist or attack the monster once to get a full share of experience.”

“As long as you are alive when it’s killed,” I added, remembering once again how I’d been shafted in the tournament battle.

“Yeah,” Gretchen said. “In war parties, it’s much like playing solo. You get assist experience if you get a hit in, but you don’t get a credit for killing it unless you’re the one who landed the killing blow. It’s not really a big difference except when it comes down to fulfilling certain achievements and calculating experience. Early on in the game there are quests to kill a certain number of sheep, but there are 100 other new players also trying to kill the same 10 sheep or so. It’s hard to get past that unless they all decide to work together.”

“For such an open-world game there are too many rules,” Jonah grumbled as we walked through the doorway of the expansive castle number six.

Entering Castle 6.

Warning: this castle is occupied by an opposing faction.

High, ribbed ceilings spread out to the left and right of us. The building looked as if it had once been a museum like its real-world counterpart, but everything had been looted, leaving it empty and kind of creepy. On either side, the sounds of shouting and fighting rose.

“Let’s do this,” I said. “First priority is killing this Prince Kankan asshole. Second priority is getting some monsters in these traps the platypus guy gave us.”

Unknown Note 4

Sam,

It’s been awhile since I’ve let anyone be my friend. I have four friends here. Jonah and Gretchen are the first two. Their real names are Charlie and Melinda, but we pretty much just call each other by our character names.

My other two friends are both NPCs. One is a hippocorn named Alice. She’s great. The fourth is little kid polecat. His name is Raj.

We’re playing Dominion of Blades. You’d love this shit.

So let me tell you about Raj, the polecat.

He’s small, he’s full of energy, and he’s enthusiastic about everything. The other day I’d told him about donuts. That shit from Prantl’s? Remember how fucking good that is when you’re hungover? Anyway, I described donuts to him, and the little polecat just started drooling like a goddamned dog. Afterward, we made the cook here try to recreate donuts just so he could try them.

The game’s version tasted like shit, but Raj didn’t care. That little polecat ate an entire dozen of them, eyes wide with joy, just shoveling that shit into his mouth, laughing the whole time.

You see, the kid is innocent. I told him that donuts are the greatest thing in the world to eat, and he believed me. The proof was otherwise. I mean, they were crap. But it didn’t matter. I’d told that kid they were the best, and he believed me.

Watching him the other day when he was eating, that’s when I realized why I like Raj so much, why I’m so protective of him.

He’s just like you. You and Raj. You’re the same.

I let you believe I was the best friend you could have, when the opposite was true.

When you died, it felt as if the entire world had fallen on my chest, and it was crushing the air out of me. I was inside, and you were out there, alone, left to clean up my mess. I’d put you there, and you died because of it.

Sam, I am so sorry for everything. Please forgive me.

Elijah.

Jonah Note 8

Concentrate asshole. You’re in a dungeon.

I kept playing it over and over in my mind. We stood on the drawbridge. Gretchen and Bruce Bruce had just gone in the portal. The world event notification came. Popper had sounded so scared in his message, and I kept thinking, if something happens to him, it’s your fault.

I looked up, and Keta was right next to me. I looked at her questioningly, she muttered a few words, and she pushed me through the portal. Just like that. In just a second, I’d lost everything. That one little motion, just a simple, magical push, and the world changed.

“What the fuck is that?” Popper asked, jumping back. He wielded only Dolly Trauma, which was nothing more than a kitchen knife. He’d lost both his axe and his breastplate.

“Get back,” I called, snapping my mind to the now. I unfurled Triple Fang while Gretchen readied the traps the beastmaster had given us. Each trap was the size of a shoe box and was attached to a short length of chain, like a flail, to facilitate being thrown.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Popper roared. It took me a moment to realize he was yelling at the NPC half-ogres who were trying to push past me to get to the shaggy monster that now faced us.

It looked like a wolf-sized iguana wearing a jacket of quills, like a smaller version of Bingo. Instead of being a gorilla/porcupine hybrid, this thing was more like a lizard/hedgehog amalgam.

“I know what that is,” Gretchen whispered, coming up next to me. “It’s a peluda.”

The monster hissed. It looked back and forth between us and something further down the hallway, shrinking in on itself.

“It’s trapped,” I said. “The others went around the other way, and they’re coming up the hallway.”

“Okay,” Gretchen said. “We need to be careful. There are four kinds of these things, and I can’t tell which one this is. They have strong armor. Their only weakness is their tail.”

“What can they do?” I asked. We had to somehow hit it with the square trap to get it inside, but Oliver said it would only work if they were injured or tired.

“It’s like Pokémon meets Ghostbusters,” Popper had said, noting the traps looked like medieval versions of the ghost-catching traps from the latter franchise.

“They have a breath weapon,” Gretchen said. “Depending on which one, it’s water, acid, lightning, or...”

We both jumped back as the fireball rocketed down the hall toward us.

Gretchen and I both activated our rings as we fell back, and the powerful fireball crashed against the blue shield. Both shields immediately fizzled out. A wave of heat washed over me, but we were unhurt.

“Strike now!” Gretchen called, spinning one of the traps in her right hand, like it was a sling. “Hit him right in the face!”

I leaped forward, sending a wave of blades forward. They ricocheted off the beast’s scaly head. It reared back, dazed, but otherwise unhurt.

Gretchen tossed the trap. The square box hit the large lizard on the center of its back—in the midst of the quills. The monster disappeared in a puff of smoke, and the box clanked hard to the floor. The trap hummed ominously.

“Well that’s one monster,” I said.

“That’s a multi-trap,” Gretchen said. “We can reuse it as long as we keep capturing the same type of monster.”

“Really?” I said, walking forward to inspect the rectangle box. A rough drawing of the peluda appeared etched on the outside of the metal box. A group of bloodied half-ogres and dwarves came up the hallway from the other side. “How many can we fit in there?”

“I’m not sure,” Gretchen said. “But if you accidentally grab the wrong kind of monster, they all pop out at once. These traps were pretty common in the old days. There are lots of quests involving them.”

“I once grabbed 20 snaggle-snorts,” Popper said, coming up. “They’re about the same size. After that, it wouldn’t capture any more, so I think that’s the limit. I think it has to do with total weight.”

Gretchen nodded. “I’d guestimate that thing to be about 45 kilograms, or just under 100 pounds. Snaggle-snorts are the same size, but they’re pigs, and I bet they weigh five times as much. Twenty of them makes sense. That’s just about five tons worth of pig. So I’m guessing we can hold about 100 of those peludas in here.”

“Jesus,” I said, picking up the small trap. I handed it to Gretchen. “Can you use these things on other players?”

“No,” Gretchen said, “not players or NPCs. Bruce Bruce and Alice would be vulnerable, though, so be careful around them.”

“It was one of the ways people used to fuck with other people in the old days,” Popper said as we turned a corner, hunting down a long hallway. This section had already been torn through. The shattered remains of three of the peludas lay on the floor along with the burned corpse of a dwarven warrior NPC. Popper cursed at the sight of the dead warrior. We’d gotten the notification one had been killed a few minutes earlier. He sighed and continued. “You can only capture someone’s mount in PVP areas, and you don’t actually get to keep them if they’re a pet. Once you open the trap, they pop out and run away. You can keep the mounts, but they usually don’t trust you.”

“What if you don’t open the trap at all?” I asked.

“These traps expire after a week or so,” Popper said. “You can’t keep things in there indefinitely.”

“But you can steal someone’s pet for a little bit?” I asked.

“I guess. If you’re an asshole,” Popper said.

“Hmm,” I said. “Are there traps that can hold bigger monsters?”

“Yes,” Gretchen said. “We both have a trapping skill of nine, so we can use the more complex ones. A trapper is a hunter subclass that can do all sorts of neat things. Trappers could make a lot of money. Once we hit 11, we can use the behemoth traps. You have to carry them on the back of a cart, though. The trap is the size of a small car.”

Bingo: We have the subject trapped on the third floor, southwest corner. He has placed himself inside of a guild I do not have access to. His nine companions have all been dealt with. We are awaiting your further instructions.

Poppy: My man. We’ll be there lickity-split.

Bingo: I do not know what that means, but I assume you are coming.

A purple waypoint popped up, indicating where we needed to go. After a moment, it became clear I was the only one who had the waypoint. I realized it was my cartography skill, which was now an expert level of 11, which gave me a lot of small advantages such as this. Gretchen said it wasn’t a very common skill, but it seemed extremely useful.

Popper recalled the grizzled old human archer, Granger, from the outside along with those three new archers and their bard companion. We gave them the remainder of the empty traps and instructed them to head to the basement and capture as much as they could, assuming anything was left alive. We tasked the fighters to keep the hallways clear but not to go into any of the rooms. Tiatha the healer and Nale the arcanist kept with us.

“Why can’t Bingo go in there?” I asked.

“You can’t go into guild halls of skills or weapons you’re not at least level three in,” Gretchen said, “unless it’s a public guild or you’re invited by the guild master. That’s why some of the hidden guilds are so hard to find. They only reveal themselves to those with the correct skills.”

“Yeah,” Popper said. “Remember the boomerang guild?”

“I do,” Gretchen said. “Some guy had trained himself up to level 25 in the boomerang skill and wanted to find the guild so he could challenge the guildmaster, but nobody could find it. It’s not a common skill. He offered $50,000 or something to anyone who could find it.”

We turned a corner, another hallway filled with blood. Several doors led off to other areas. We’d have to explore later.

Popper laughed, continuing. “Yeah, the boomerang guy was this rich asshole from New York, and some poor kid from Australia ended up finding it. With the reward, everybody was training up their boomerang skill to three so they could search for it. It ended up being in a cave on the side of a cliff somewhere in Wallaloo.”

I knew Wallaloo was western Australia.

“But get this. The asshole didn’t pay up. He said he was about to look there himself and that the kid cheated. The whole story went viral, and the dude doubled down and called this 13-year-old kid all sorts of names. So Larissa Hughes—yeah that Larissa, the real-life version of Captain Rambo, she’s like 70 years old at this point, comes out of nowhere and buys the brokerage the guy worked for. She bought the guy’s work, and then she named the 13-year-old kid CEO. She flew the kid in from Australia, put him in a suit, and the kid came out and got to personally fire the asshole. It was glorious.”

“Geez, she sounds like a real badass,” I said.

We climbed a set of stairs, turned a corner, and climbed a second set, coming to the third and top floor.

Winston the gorcupine waited for us at the top. The massive gorilla was soaked in gore. His quills remained flared, and pieces of some unrecognizable creature peppered his back like glitter.

He grunted, waving us along to follow. The hallways on this top floor were much thinner than in the lower levels. An ornate but tattered and stained red rug ran the length of the hall. Paintings hung at intervals, and archways led off to other areas with additional paintings, all with massive, baroque-style frames. The lower levels had been featureless hallways, like the building had been completely looted. Up here, I had the constant feeling we were being watched.

I examined one painting as we passed, and the image was an odd battle scene with several naked, blonde-haired dwarves with Roman-style helmets fighting these humanoid bird creatures. The brass plate underneath named the painting The Intervention of the Wark-ee Hens.

Actually, after looking some more it seemed the dwarves were fighting each other, and the birds were attempting to stop the fight. Several broken eggs lay on the ground at the feet of the dwarves.

I shook my head as we turned yet another corner, and my sense told me we were almost there. Hundreds of pieces of armor littered this hallway, and we had to wade through them, the brass pieces clanking. The armor reminded me of the egg pieces from the painting.

“This armor was recently enchanted,” Nale said from the back of our procession. “I suspect the armor itself was animated, many suits of it. Animated armor is usually the work of a powerful mage.”

“Are you sure?” Popper asked, his voice indicating he didn’t put much stock into anything the auric arcanist said.

“I am sure,” Nale said. “My spells may not be the most powerful, but I am an expert in the study of magic itself. I know constructs when I see them.”

“Were you guys attacked by the armor?” I asked Winston. The gorcupine grunted and nodded.

Bingo and several warriors stood at the end of the hallway, standing in front of a large door. Tiatha moved forward, quickly healing several minor wounds amongst the group.

“She’s the most efficient healer I’ve ever seen,” Gretchen said.

“Yeah, she’s all right,” Popper said.

“Not much of a talker,” I said, watching the druid work.

“The large hobgoblin prince is through this door,” Bingo said. “We attempted to enter, but the magic within won’t let us pass. It appears to be a guild hall.”

“If it’s the artistry guild you were talking about earlier, then I can get in,” I said, striding forward.

Gretchen put out a hand. “I don’t like this,” she said. “It feels like a trap.”

“Of course it’s a trap,” I said, unfurling Triple Fang. “But we’re still stuck on wave one, remember? It can’t be that bad.”

“Famous last words, my friend,” Popper said, eyeing the door uneasily.

I grimaced, striding forward and marching through the door.

Jonah Note 9

Entering the Artisan Guild.

This is a hidden guild hall!

You are a level 3 artisan. Welcome fledgling artisan!

Warning! This is a corrupt guild!

Achievement unlocked! Discover a corrupt guild!

Confused, I read over the announcement a second time. My artistry skill was level ten, not three. Looking at the menu, I saw the difference. The artisan skill was different than the artistry skill. I knew artistry raised when I worked on maps. I vaguely remembered leveling my artisan skill for doing the same thing, but it usually happened when I was concentrating on my map, and I hadn’t noticed the difference. That seemed to happen a lot in this game. If a skill was somewhat related to what you were doing, one could still level up in that skill, albeit much more slowly.

But what was the difference?

His Royal Majesty Jonah: I’m in. First off, it’s the artisan, not artistry guild. I’m only level three. Also, it says it’s a corrupt guild. What does that mean?

Poppy: Sorry, I was going off of memory. It’s been a few years, you know. If it’s a corrupt guild, it means the guildmaster is dead and nobody has taken his place. There’s usually good loot laying around, but there might be mobs inside, so be extra careful.

Gretchen: At the first sign of trouble, run. I don’t want you fighting.

Poppy: Jesus, Gretchen. Let the boy spread his wings.

I looked about the empty room. A long table dominated this main room, and a pair of cracked stained-glass windows to my right looked over the middle entrance court to the castle. A door led to a deeper room. Against the other wall, a hearth stood, piled high with black coals. Above the hearth an oil portrait of a humanoid, hook-beaked creature glared down at me. It reminded me of those portraits of plague doctors from the 17th century.

Dozens of items filled the room, either hanging on the wall or standing on pedestals. Multiple small statues filled a glass case, a glass and ceramic bowl sat on the table, and an intricately-woven tapestry hung above the door in front of me.

I listened, scanning the area for any indication of movement or sounds. I didn’t hear anything, but that sense I was being watched did not go away.

I crept to the large, carved wood door. It wasn’t fully closed. I pushed it open with my foot, warily peering inside.

This room was more of the same, but several desks sat in a row, facing a podium. Various art pieces were displayed around the room.

Upon a small bench in front of a round, glass window sat Prince Kankan of the Hobgoblin Riot. He sat with his back to me. A massive poleax sat leaned up against the chair. He could grab it and turn easily.

The hobgoblin had peeled off the top half of his extensive, golden plate. His green back was bald in several places, indicating old, angry scars.

The window looked west, out toward the Gardens where the tower battle had taken place. From this spot I could see all three towers, right in a row, about the same height we were now. The green garden spread below, the statues all back in their place. The red fountain bubbled merrily in the distance. There was no indication that several hundred hobgoblins had been slaughtered down there just hours before. The chamber imps had cleaned it well.

“I do not envy you,” Prince Kankan said without turning. “This is a wretched place to inherit. I have never known such beauty, all left to rot.”

I looked around cautiously for signs of attack or ambush. I tentatively took a step into the room.

Kankan sighed. “My brother will attempt to take this place back. It is a foolish thing, I think. If I were war chief, I’d take my people, and we would return to our native lands. Your old king had chased us away, in his attempt to ‘unify’ us. But there is no unification now. Do you think this new king of yours would let us live in peace in our old land?”

“The Kampong?” I asked, meaning the island of Borneo here in the game. In the real world, the island was divided amongst three different countries: Indonesia, Malaysia, and Brunei, though that whole area had gone “dark” after an earthquake and tsunami about two years previous to our departure from Earth. Isabella had told me that Malaysia had annexed what was left of the entire island, but none of that had been in the news. Either way, here in the game the entire island was its own country, called the Kampong. Keta had told me a bit about its history. The whole country was once the domain of the hobgoblins, before the brutal wars of the unification, all of which happened 150 years prior to the start of the game.

In reality, this NPC was pining for a kingdom that never existed.

“Yes, the Kampong,” Kankan said, nodding. He still hadn’t looked back. “It is good you know a little of our history. You are not the brash girl I spoke with earlier.”

“No,” I said. “I am the king you are wondering about. And my answer is yes, I would let you live in peace in that place. I would ally with you as well.”

That did garner a reaction. The obese hobgoblin turned to look upon me. I was stricken at how sad he appeared. The hobgoblin was nothing like how they had been described.

“If only…” he said, turning back. I was not sure what that meant.

“I thought if I could get in here, it would turn the tide for my people,” he continued. “This old guild hall has sat here abandoned since we put the city to the sword. The old guildmaster had people hidden in here, and they lasted for some time. One was supposed to remain, but they are gone now, it seems. My father and brother believe I left the city to gain glory for myself. I did not. It was to learn a skill, to gain access to this place. I thought if I could just get my hands on the artificer… We would never be hungry again.”

I had no idea what he was talking about, but it seemed this was important. Gretchen and Popper both kept asking me for updates, but I told them to give me some time.

“You left the city to train in an art?” I asked.

“Yes,” Kankan said. “We only know war, my people. That’s not how it used to be. My grandfather, Ichichi, he had a book with great drawings of tapestries in them. I remembered that book, but my father burned it after we took this city.”

“Is that what you wanted to learn? Tapestry art?” I asked.

He ignored my question. “When the Dominion heroes stopped raiding the spiral, our food supplies dwindled. We starved. My brother felt taking your crown was the best course of action for our people. He is marching on your city at this moment. Yet you are here, in this place with me.” He laughed, but it sounded hollow, sad.

“I knew about the artificer, right here, just out of my reach. With it I could guarantee we’d never be hungry again. But the magic of this place…” He held up his hands. “It is the same magic that kept your kind from entering and seeing what we wrought upon your great Castellane. I could not get in unless I gained a skill.”

He paused for a long moment. “Not tapestry. Pottery. A useful skill. My mother was a potter. My father beat her to death for attempting to teach me. I took my retinue of soldiers south to the sea. Not to raid, but to gather food. And while they did this, I found a guild that would teach me enough skills that the magic here would let me in.”

Sitting on a desk just behind his position, I noticed a large, clay bowl. It was in two pieces. Simple, utilitarian, but I knew—I just knew—it had been made with great care. It had a perfectly symmetrical shape and was fired in a red glaze, so vivid it caught a glint of sunlight coming from the window. I wondered when the bowl had broken.

“But me leaving, it was a terrible mistake. My father’s health wanes. His honor guard… I do not know what happened. There were fifty of them, but they disappeared with him, I think. I think it was the polecat. My father kept her with him, you know. She was always hanging on him, whispering in his ear. People say we kidnapped her, but that is not true. I think she betrayed us. Opening the portal to Orochi was her idea. With me and my soldiers gone, the demons escaped, and they called more of their kind here, including this Akkorokamui. Your small companion said this was my fault. She is correct, as much as it shames me to say this. It is my fault.”

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Holy shit guys. You’re not going to believe what this dude is telling me.

Kankan looked at his hands. “I enjoyed it, making the pottery. Strange things happened to me when I took those first few steps, when my hands sunk into that wet clay. The world changed, became much bigger. My mind seemed to open up, and things I never thought possible suddenly were. I wish I could have stayed. But there is duty, and my people starve. I come home to find you here, occupying my city. Perhaps it is for the best. But I beg of you, feed my people, those who remain. My father is somewhere in the city. He is a terrible, evil man. But he is still my father. That malice has fled, as has his mind. Do not trust the polecat.”

“Chauncey says she was captured by the Orochi demons,” I said.

Kankan nodded, contemplating. “Then my father is likely safe. He will have sought out a Night Temple of Kalika. Not the one on the island, but one of the lesser temples within the city.”

Great, I thought.

“Will you? Will you feed my people?”

“I will do my best,” I said. If they don’t try to murder us first. “Do you guys eat fish?”

He smiled, a genuine smile for the first time. “We are hobgoblin. If it is meat, we eat.”

Prince Kankan leaped to his feet, snatching up his large poleax with both hands, rounding on me. The large man was surprisingly agile.

I stepped back at the sudden movement, raising Triple Fang. He saluted me with the poleax. I realized, then, what was happening.

“At least I shall fall to a king,” he said. He raised the massive weapon and roared.

Jonah Note 10

System Message> Prince Kankan of the Hobgoblin Riot, second son of Chief Musa, has fallen in battle to His Royal Majesty King Jonah of the Dominion.

Wave 1 of 5 complete.

You have received a reward! 500 jacks have been added to your account.

War Party> Spiral systems deactivating.

War Party> Spiral systems are now offline, and it is safe to traverse the spiral path. Chamber imps have been dispatched to reset the traps and to clear the corpses. Warning! You have traps that need to be reloaded. Warning! You have towers with no assigned defenders.

I was about to whip Triple Fang back onto my waist when I heard a new noise behind me.

I whirled, ready to strike. The withered form of an old, something, emerged in the main guild chamber behind me, slipping into the room from within the hearth. Was there a secret passage there? Or had it just been part of the coals? The creature, clad in black, stood up to regard me.

Was it the guildmaster? No, it couldn’t be, I realized. This was a corrupt guild.

The bird-like humanoid stood about five feet tall. Its thin, wiry arms were like the surface of a raisin, pitch black with hints of a deep purple in the crevices. One of the human-like hands clutched onto a long walking stick, also dusty and black. It wore round goggles on its beaked face. It was dressed in black, tattered rags. It appeared to be half crow, half human. Its feet were the three toes of a bird. If it had wings, they were folded on its back behind the rags. It cocked its head to the side in a distinctly avian movement. It did not say anything. The bird had an unsettling quality to it, like something was just off with it. It reminded me of something out of a Hieronymus Bosch painting.

On the minimap, its dot was white. I relaxed slightly at that.

“Hey there,” I said.

It cocked its head the other way. It made an odd noise in its throat, like the coo of a pigeon.

Okay, this thing is freaking me out.

I took a step toward it, and it took two hops back, closer to the hearth from where it came.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Guys. After I killed the prince, this weird bird/human thing appeared in the room. It’s just looking at me, not saying anything. It’s wearing clothes, but I don’t think it’s intelligent.

Gretchen: It’s probably a wark-ee. Is it short and stand on two legs? This used to be their city. They’re harmless. The hobgoblins killed and ate them by the millions when they invaded Castellane.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: It’s just standing there, looking at me like it expects me to say something.

Poppy: Wait, I know this. There are two kinds. The women wark-ee are intelligent. The men just sit there and drool on themselves.

Gretchen: Just like in real life.

Poppy: Har-har. A joke from Gretchen? Is it a full moon or something? Anyway, it sounds like this one is a dude. You’re supposed to give them something shiny.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Okay. Then what happens?

Poppy: I don’t know. That’s just what you’re supposed to do with those things. They give you something in return, I think.

If these things were slaughtered by the hobgoblins, it was no wonder it had hidden himself when Prince Kankan had come into the place.

I looked around the room. The whole guild hall was filled with shiny things. But if this creature normally lived here, then all of this stuff was already his, wasn’t it? I eyed the broken bowl, still sitting on the desk behind me. A splattering of blood had gotten on one of the pieces. Was that why Prince Kankan had brought the bowl? Had he brought it as an offering for this creature?

I whipped Triple Fang back onto my waist and picked up the broken half of the bowl that didn’t have blood on it. I stepped back into the main room and offered the piece to the bird.

It moved closer, cooing more, turning its head back and forth. It moved its face right up to the broken crockery.

I fully expected him to look at me and say “what is this bullshit?” at any moment.

He reached forward, gently, with his beak and pulled the crockery out of my hand. He cooed a few more times, looked straight up, and swallowed it whole. It opened its mouth impossibly large, and the half bowl disappeared right into its throat.

“All righty, then,” I said.

It hopped back a few steps then dove into the fireplace, disappearing.

“Hey!” I called.

But I didn’t have to wait long. A few moments later, he returned holding a small, golden birdcage in his mouth. It was bigger than the wisp lighter Popper used to light his cigarettes, but it was still about the size of my hand. He reverently dropped the birdcage on the table, squawked once, and then disappeared back into the hearth.

I hesitantly picked up the birdcage, peering inside. Within, two tiny fairies fluttered back and forth. One brass, one silver. No, wait. These were machines, little clockwork fairies. The creatures made an odd whirring noise as they clanked about in the air of the cage, their gossamer wings working furiously to keep them aloft. Each of the robot-like automatons was the length of my finger to the first knuckle. I had to squint to see the individual workings of the clockwork mechanisms.

Arcane Artificer

This item is enchanted.

Warning! You may not use this item until you reach expert level with an unenhanced skill within the Artisan tree.

When activated, the automatons within the artificer will create a 3D rendering of any 2D subject, as drawn or otherwise created by the wielder. Magical and special properties will not convey from artworks, nor may the artificer be used to create any living thing, nor gemstone, nor jack. Please note, raw materials are required for all transformations.

This is an Epic item.

“Sweet,” I said, investigating the brass and silver pixies. They buzzed about in circles, seemingly oblivious of the world outside their cage. This must be the item Popper was talking about earlier, that people fought to get to. If I could draw a sword or a shield or a horse cart, I could have them make it for me, granted I had access to the metal and wood required to build the object. Prince Kankan said he wanted to use it to feed his people. I wondered how that would work, or if he hadn’t known the true nature of the device. While amazing—like having a 3D printer on steroids—it wasn’t an all-out miracle device.

But first I’d have to train my artistry skill up to 11, the first expert level. I’d been stuck on level 10 for a while, so I knew I could probably get there without too much work. Apparently my earlier suspicion had been correct. The artisan skill was nothing more than an umbrella over multiple skills, like pottery and artistry, just like fishing was a base skill while fly-fishing and spearfishing were sub-skills.

“Oh wow, an artificer,” Gretchen said as we walked back to the castle. “They’re worth a lot of jacks, and you can make some cool stuff with them.”

“Eh, they’re not that great,” Popper said. “All the weapons and useful stuff you can make with them aren’t usually as good as the ones you can just buy. There’s a size limit, too. So you can’t just draw a giant castle. And even if you could, you’d have to gather all the crap to build it. It’s like having two little slaves in a cage. People usually used them to make giant stone dicks.”

I put the birdcage in my pack. Hopefully I’d find a use for it eventually. I already had a few ideas.

“So anyway,” Popper said. “First off, we need to sleep and set our regen. Then we have some things we need to do. I’m going to gather some folks up, and we’re going to explore Fort Bloodgasm.” Gretchen made a noise and shook her head again at the name. “Chauncey says there are some rats in the basement, and since I didn’t get to kill anything in that last castle, I need to make sure I get something today for my daily sacrifice. If I don’t find anything, I’ll have to get Granger to open up one of those traps he and the butt rocker chicks used. I don’t want to have to do that.”

“What did they catch?” I asked.

Popper shrugged. “He says they got several more of those peluda monsters, both the fire type and the electrical type. Nothing else I don’t think.”

I looked back over my shoulder at the castle, thinking of the wark-ee creature. “Remember the animated armor in the hallway? Nale said it came from a powerful mage. But we didn’t find anything like that in there.”

“That’s animation magic,” Gretchen said. “It’s the work of either a harbinger or one of the dark cleric subclasses.”

“Who knows,” Popper said. “Bingo’s crew cleaned the place out pretty good. For all the hype, it’s not that great of a dungeon. The highlight was that thing you got and a couple enchanted weapons, which we have to get identified.” He indicated his bag. “Plus that enchanted poleax from the prince.”

“Anyway,” he continued, “while I explore the castle, your majesty and Bingo are going to go out to the Menagerie and talk to the people there and see what their story is. I want Gretchen to take a squadron over to investigate this church, and to hopefully get a map with all the locations of the temples in the city. With that, we can hunt down this chief hobgoblin and end his miserable life.”

“Let’s have Gretchen go to the Menagerie. I want to go to the church,” I said.

“Yeah, but if those guys locked up really are white jackets, having their new boss show up will make sure they do what we want them to do,” Popper said.

I nodded. He was right, but I didn’t care. “No. I want to do the church.”

He looked to Gretchen, who shrugged. I was surprised at how quickly and efficiently Popper had taken to this leadership role.

“Okay then. Also, I’ve already sent out Spritz the astound to walk the perimeter and to fix any broken shit she can find using her rock voodoo. Hopefully that’ll level her up some. Granger and the girls are going to Oliver the beastmaster to drop off the traps and then Granger’ll join me for the castle exploration. The three girls and their boyfriend can go with Gretchen to the Menagerie. After that, we’re going to have to figure out how to get as many bodies as possible into the city to man these towers.”

I’d already spent some time studying the map of the spiral. I needed to do it some more. The way we set up the defenses depended wholly on how many bodies we had. I also had some ideas for new traps.

Popper clapped his hands together. “Okay guys, chop chop! Let’s get moving. This place is my responsibility, and I ain’t letting anyone down.”

Gretchen Note 1

I haven’t read anything Jonah has written yet, but I imagine anyone who reads it will think I’m nothing but the boring, old, alcoholic lesbian who they only keep around because she knows how to throw a spear like some kind of one-note, Sapphic warrior.

I’m not. Oh no. I’m more. I’m a coward. I am a thief. A fraud, a liar. And more. So much more.

But that’s not why we’re here, is it? This isn’t the Melinda story or even the Gretchen story. Not yet.

After we rested, sleeping in short shifts, I came out to find both Popper and Jonah in the defense cockpit, hard at work. Popper scribbled furiously in his notebook, ever-present cigarette dangling from his mouth, suddenly enthusiastic about making a record of everything that had happened here. He’d changed so much these past few days. The responsibility of being in charge does that to people. Some rise to the occasion, finding strength they didn’t know they had. Both Popper and Jonah were strong like that.

Others crumbled.

Jonah had torn out a page from his notebook and was touching each part of the spiral in turn, talking quietly with Spritz the astound and Bingo as they looked over the map. Jonah wrote note after note, muttering about finding a sapper to join the party.

Popper and Jonah looked up as I entered the room.

“Oh, good,” Popper said. “You ready?”

I nodded, looking up at Bingo. The massive gorcupine still unnerved me. The other gorcupine, Winston, looked at me and bared his teeth. He’d done that multiple times now, and I still couldn’t tell if that was supposed to be an endearing or a malicious look.

I had been killed by Winston once, in the arena. If I closed my eyes, I could still feel the javelins pierce me. I could feel the poison wash over me. I remember my shame at being relieved as I died that last time. At least it’s not your responsibility anymore.

I’d thought the same thing as I drove to Texas from Toronto, my foot jammed to the floor. I’d driven the car myself, despite not having a license. I’d rewired the Toyota, turning it from a selfie to a hybrid. I hadn’t been stopped. I made the 30-hour trip in 20. I’d left the car in the visitor’s lot of the Space X center.

“I just talked to Raj,” Popper was saying. “I don’t know if you saw. It looks like wave two will be several thousand of the tormented mixed with those fucked-up lesser moles, the ones with the weird mouths.”

“The moles are hard to hit,” I said, remembering the last time I had to fight them. The lion-sized creatures burrowed away the moment you tried to attack them, only to pop out of the ground behind or underneath you. “If what Bingo was saying earlier is correct, and you can dig within the spiral path, they’ll burrow underground, making tunnels for the dwarves, keeping them safe from the towers.”

Jonah smiled. “That’s exactly what I’m hoping they do.”

* * *

Bingo, Winston, and three half-ogres, including Vern, who wielded the biggest maul I’d ever seen, accompanied me on our short trip to the Menagerie. The three archer girls and their bard companion bounded ahead of us to “scout the route.” Chauncey the coypu also followed us, but he kept his distance, choosing to walk a few hundred feet behind us. He still did not like being in the company of Bingo. I rode upon Bruce Bruce, who trembled with excitement.

“This is good,” Bruce Bruce said as we crossed the small bridge off the island. From there, we turned left down a wide street flanked with two large towers on either side. A massive, rock-hurling catapult sat upon two of the towers, and a round, Gatling-gun style weapon I’d never seen before sat upon the other two. “This is good,” he repeated. “We shall face these imprisoned beasts, and they shall see our strength, and they will quiver like little children. Do not worry, fair Gretchen. If one of these beasts escapes, I shall claw and devour them for you. You are safe with Bruce Bruce.”

Bingo loped along beside me, looking at Bruce Bruce like the bear was something stuck to his quills.

I patted Bruce Bruce on the head. “Hopefully it won’t come to that,” I said.

I’d become fond of the boastful bear. He was the only mount in the stables back in Harmony that had decent fighting stats. I was still unsure if I wanted to make the commitment of having him as a pet. Bears were beast-class mounts, which meant you could only make the leap from mount to pet after you’d killed at least 100 mobs together. We were currently at 68.

He was a good fighter. I’d seen him in action. We’d fought snakeheads together on the outskirts of Harmony a few times. But he simply didn’t get along with Alice, though they seemed to finally be getting used to each other.

If I made the commitment, he would gain several abilities. He’d become much stronger and would gain the ability to cast Heal once he hit level 20. As a mount, he didn’t actually have a level, but he’d gain one once the transformation was complete. He’d probably be around level 15, but he’d level up quickly until he matched my level of 26. At level 30, he’d gain the ability to regenerate. At 40, his speed would double. At 50, he’d gain the ability to cast Fear. At level 100, he’d gain the ability to cast Blink.

They weren’t the greatest abilities—he was simply an uncommon mount, not an epic one like Alice, but they were all good, solid attributes. I could also choose to just keep him as a mount and get another, smaller pet. Jonah was planning on doing that so he could keep his ridiculous donkey mount. But if I didn’t convert Bruce Bruce to a pet, I’d lose him if he ever got killed.

One of the three archer girls came skipping back from around the corner. What were their names again? Starr, Crystal, and Kitty Chapman. And the bard was Ace. At first I thought all three had the last name of Chapman, but it was just that third one—the broody one with the short hair—whose name was “Kitty Chapman.” Not Kitty. Kitty Chapman.

The one who came back now was the sarcastic, talkative one with the side ponytail. Starr.

“The Menagerie is coming up,” Starr said. She appeared to be chewing gum. “We scouted it out for ya, grams. Those pazuzu sure got a bee in their bonnet.”

Bingo grunted. “Pazuzu are always upset about something.”

“Did you just call me ‘grams?’” I asked.

Starr rolled her eyes. “You don’t need to yell at me. Geez.” Starr reached down and patted Bruce Bruce on the head. “You’re like the cutest thing ever.” She turned and rushed back down the path toward her companions, slapping the butt of Vern as she passed. The half-ogre jumped two feet in the air in surprise.

“She is a fine warrior,” Bruce Bruce said.

“Uh-huh.”

The Menagerie was a small, heavily-wooded park, with multiple twists and turns. At the center of the park was a large, glass pavilion one had to pass through. Twenty cages, ten on each side, stood under the glass awning.

This was a difficult obstacle to get past. While the total number of monsters released usually wasn’t that many—the cages could only hold so much—it was the manner in which the trap deployed that usually caused the damage and chaos. The cages were placed, one after another, facing each other in close quarters. One could see the beasts in their cages, but they could not be touched or otherwise hurt while the doors were closed. The doors opened only when someone passed the far exit to the Menagerie. When triggered, the creatures all attacked at once, instantly mixing in with the party.

If the runners cautiously sent just one person forward to spring the trap while the main group held back, the monsters would fill the tight space, creating a defensive position that was almost impossible to breach without mass casualties.

Three towers overlooked the park, including one that cast Muzzle on the invaders, which temporarily stopped most mages from casting spells. The other two rained arrows on the Menagerie entrance, so runners holding back from assaulting the Menagerie were usually pin cushioned for their efforts.

By the time most groups made it to this point, their party of several thousand runners were usually whittled down to a couple hundred. This last obstacle was where even the most advanced parties usually met their fate.

The one time I had done it, there had been no gorcupine warriors guarding the Menagerie. But there had been pazuzu. The scorpion-tailed demons could fly, and they cut through us in seconds. The other cages, including one that held a rock troll and another filled with hundreds of pop leeches—bugs that would latch onto you and explode—decimated us further. It was only because there had been so many of us that I had made it.

I entered the glass Menagerie now, walking in through the exit. Starr, Crystal, and Kitty Chapman stood in the middle of it all. Ace sat on the ground, his lute on his lap while he strummed a few chords. Crystal’s sprayed-out, big hair seemed to have gotten even poofier than it had been before. She tapped on the glass of one of the cages, waving to the occupants within.

The cage they were facing was the one filled with humans. There were eight of them, all sitting on the ground in the cage, all looking at us with contempt. These were all white jackets, as we suspected, the remains of the missing battalion. Their uniforms were blackened and tattered, hanging on them in ribbons. Two texugo white jackets sat in their own cage next to the humans. Both appeared to be asleep. One of the sleeping badgers breathed heavily, like he was sick.

I should have brought that healer.

“I like that one,” Crystal said, pointing to one of the white jackets sitting on the ground, staring at her sullenly. He was a younger man with red hair and light eyes. She tapped on the glass again and waved.

“That one looks a bit like Duff McKagan,” Starr said. “You know, when he got all old and stuff but still looked good.” She pointed to the oldest of the white jackets, a thin but strong-looking man with gray hair. The man stared straight at the young archer, his eyes burning a hole at her. “Ooh, but he’s kinda scary,” she added. “Pfft. Typical bass player. Can’t even be happy they let him in the band.”

Behind me, the five pazuzu threw themselves against the glass, over and over. The six-foot, winged monsters screeched, their sharp, black claws scrabbling at the glass. I shuddered. Pazuzu were terrible, vicious monsters.

A few cages down, the massive oblivion walrus stared at me solemnly. I looked at the enormous beast and it bared its fangs. I shivered.

I turned to Chauncey as he pulled up, huffing and puffing. “I want you to open those two cages right now. The one with the humans and the texugo.”

The small creature looked aghast. “But mademoiselle, shouldn’t you talk to them first? To make sure they haven’t gone feral, no? They seem feral to me, especially the texugo.”

“Do it,” I said.

Chauncey looked terrified. “Okay, but you must promise to protect me. That one there,” he pointed at the commander, “he has vowed to do great harm to me if he is ever set free. He is the Gray Misery, the famed commander. They say he always keeps his promises.”

“Well I promise to do even worse harm to you if you don’t open it up right now,” I said, followed by a deep growl from both Bingo and Bruce Bruce at the same time. Chauncey squeaked and moved to a small panel recessed against the wall, waving his hand over it.

I walked to the cage with the humans and shouted, “Form up, Commander. I’m setting you free.”

The commander—the Gray Misery—nodded. He made a sharp command, and his men leaped into attention. In the cage next door, one of the texugo pulled himself to his feet. The other did not move.

The two cage doors dropped. The commander shot out of the cage like a rocket, moving unnaturally fast. He reached to grab a shrieking Chauncey, but he was stopped only by Bingo holding out his arm to stop.

“Hold your attack, commander!” I yelled.

“Under what authority,” he snarled, rounding on me. “We were 250 men when we were captured. One hundred forty humans, 40 half-ogres, 21 dwarves, and the rest texugo. One by one, this one came, using that device to knock us out. He’d take one of us every other day, making a game of it. He reveled in it. First the half-ogres were gone, then the dwarves. Only two texugo left, only seven of my humans. He did this, and you expect me to hold my attack?”

I was expecting this, and I’d already had a plan. I pulled up the War Events menu, and I arrowed each of the soldiers, giving the commander the rank of colonel, the highest I could give to an NPC. I could see now his real name was Regal Holder, and he was a level 84 warrior. He was a level 30 master with the spear, two levels above my 28. I gave all the others a triple-chevron rank of sergeant. If any needed to be promoted beyond that, I’d leave it up to Commander Holder.

The commander raged at being arrowed, looking at me incredulously. I’d just put him below me in the chain of command, and he knew it.

I cleared my throat. “I do it under the authority of King Jonah, liege of the Dominion and of Regent Poppy, commander of Castellane until it is fully liberated.”

“Well, General,” he said, growling the words. “I humbly request permission to rip this little beast into pieces.”

I eyed Chauncey, who cowered in the corner. I was tempted to just let them have him, but we needed him for now. We also needed this commander, so I had to compromise.

“I am granting you permission to fulfill your promise,” I said.

Chauncey squealed in terror.

“But, you must wait until this upcoming campaign is over,” I added. “Then I will allow you to do what you will.”

“I must protest, mademoiselle!” Chauncey said. “I was merely doing my job, feeding my people!”

“Very well,” Holder said, glaring. “My two men,” he said, indicating the two texugo. “They are ill. They can not survive on the water gruel we have been fed. They are both suffering from a sickness unique to their race. They must have meat, or they will not survive the day.”

Bingo picked up Chauncey, who continued to cry with horror, and he plucked the coypu’s arm right off, as easily if he’d been plucking an orange from a tree. Bingo tossed the small arm to the commander.

“Meat,” Bingo said.

We all just stared at Bingo for several moments, including Chauncey, who appeared so dumbfounded at what just happened that it didn’t yet register his arm had been ripped off. Commander Holder gave the arm to one of his men, who in turn rushed into the cage to the texugo.

“That was the most metal thing I’ve ever seen,” Kitty Chapman said.

Popper Note 17

Wave 2 of 5

War Party Admin> Warning! Your city has been invaded by a roving horde of monsters! <2,500 of the Tormented. 300 Lesser Moles.> They are now traveling the spiral path. Proceed immediately to the defense cockpit!

War Party> The city is under attack.

War Party> Spiral systems arming.

War Party> All defenders proceed immediately to your assigned towers.

War Party Admin> Warning! You have towers with unassigned defense positions. These towers will remain inactive until you assign a defender.

War Party Admin> Warning! You have cage traps that have not been loaded. They will issue a misfire if triggered.

“Okay boys and girls,” I cried, walking into the defense cockpit. “This is not a drill!”

Jonah hovered over the map, pacing back and forth worriedly. This was his show now.

Gretchen was on the other side of the city, near the entrance. She and Bingo had their own plan.

Raj: They are all gone! The city is empty again! We are breathing happy relief. Thank you King Jonah. Thank you Regent Poppy! Thank you General Gretchen!

Poppy: This party ain’t over yet, kid. Remember what I told you? The next group will show up soon. Keep your people safe. Keep us updated. You’re doing a great job, kid. It’ll be some time still.

Raj: Raj is a good scout! I am a protector! They are my responsibility, and I protect, protect, protect!

Poppy: You might see Gretchen in a few minutes, down on the street below. We want you to stay where you are and keep protecting. Keep scouting for us.

Raj: Raj will scout!

“Man, I hope none of the other monsters get into that hotel again,” I muttered, closing out the chat. Raj was taking his role of soldier very seriously. If anything happened to anyone there, it would devastate the poor little polecat. From what I could gather he’d made a full sweep of the hotel and had gathered up about 15 others: a couple rodders, pollywogs, goblins, and even a few fellow polecats, all either young or elderly. All four of the races were often used as servants in high-end places like the Luxuriant, and these were all kitchen and cleaning staff from the hotel, along with a guest or two. Raj probably had the most battle experience of all of them.

“There’s only 2,500 of them,” Jonah said, not looking up from his map. “Not including the moles. That kid was spot-on with the numbers.”

The last few days had been a flurry of activity. With Commander Holder—it turned out he got pissed if you called him ‘Gray Misery’—focusing on recruiting and training civilians, it seemed things were moving along at a reasonable clip.

The addition of Commander Holder had allowed us to use the war events messaging to contact the white jacket garrisons in the cities of Marizy and Nijon, and the soldiers there did a sweep of the entire population. The 500 citizens from nearby Marizy had already arrived, sneaking into the city in the night, not disturbing the tormented who gathered across the river in Quibou. The arrowed citizens of Nijon, almost 5,000 strong, would soon arrive. We’d put them to work right away. With that many conscripts, we’d be able to man all 75 towers and leave the white jackets for garrison duty, where they would be the most effective.

Granger and I had swept Fort Bloodgasm, exploring every corner. The massive dungeons were eerily empty. All the rats and oozes that normally lived underneath castles had been hunted to extinction in exchange for food. The larger rooms of the castle were filled with trees and palms and ferns, room after room. Most everything else was a shattered mess, including what once had been a throne room for the old, long-dead queen of the wark-ee. The queen’s chambers were now used as poleax storage. At least 1,000 broken and rotting suits of hobgoblin, samurai-style armor filled the surrounding chambers.

The most lived-in area of the castle were the rooms in which we currently resided, the chambers surrounding the defense cockpit. After some prodding, the now-healed Chauncey eventually admitted that while Chief Musa had chambers somewhere in the castle, he’d taken to sleeping on the floor in the defense cockpit at all times.

We did find one room of interest, deep in the castle: a magic armory, similar to the one in Harmony, filled with scrolls and potions and a few other odds and ends. It seemed the hobgoblins didn’t want to mess with the items in the room and had left it alone.

Hobgoblins had their own magic system, and some of them were powerful mages. Prince Maghan, for example, was said to be a high-level shaman. But apparently their magic wasn’t compatible with the more standard magic system that the regular mages and clerics used.

While Nale the arcanist was mostly useless when it came to fighting, he turned out to be a damn genius with identifying scrolls and potions. He was currently identifying and cataloging everything in the magic chamber. It was a long, tedious process because each item had to be carefully removed before it could be properly examined. Old, arcane magic had a tendency to explode when handled improperly. Nale was a perfectionist. He’d already recruited a pair of younger mages who’d recently arrived from the nearby city of Marizy to help him.

He could also identify the magical properties of weapons and armor and jewelry, which was outstanding. Usually one had to take a piece of jewelry to a jeweler, and a piece of armor to an armorer, etc., to get identified.

He’d gone over our haul from Castle Six, tossing multiple cursed items aside and picking out the most valuable ones. Most of the weapons we’d gathered that were enchanted were damage-enhanced—the most typical of enchantments. These we doled out to the white jackets.

Prince Kankan’s poleax had a Swiftness enchantment and a plus three to constitution, making it very valuable. Nobody in the party could actually wield one of the things, though. I threw it in my pack. If we ever got out of here, I’d probably just sell it.

I did replace my axe with another one, just about the same size. This double-sided axe was not nearly as awesome as my poor, shattered FUD, but it would have to do for now. It was plus 5% damage-enhanced and had a Penetrating charm, which allowed it to negate 50% of a target’s armor bonus. It also imbued Muddy on its victims, which slowed down their movement speed by 25%.

I named her Kneecapper.

I’d also found a ring in the white jacket castle, and I wore it now. I’d had to give the watch back to Gretchen, leaving me with an empty accessory slot. The ring was much too big for my finger, and I had to wear it on my thumb. The ring gave a +5 bonus to the leadership skill, which put me at level 12 for the skill—expert level. It was probably the best thing I’d found so far. With my leadership being level 12, every damn troop in the army now had a 10% boost to their damage and a 10% armor bonus. If we ever made it back to Harmony, I promised Jonah I’d give him the ring.

Spritz had leveled up to five just by walking the spiral and clearing up rubble and fixing walls. She and Jonah had some grand plans that involved moving towers around, but they weren’t quite ready to do it. I put her to work cleaning up Fort Bloodgasm. She’d ascended to level eight after that.

Jonah had gone to the church and talked to the priest—a hobgoblin shaman it turned out—but he hadn’t been hostile. The church was called the Night Temple of Kalika, but only half-ogres, goblins, and hobgoblins could worship at it. Jonah said he needed to talk to us about some of the stuff he’d learned after talking to the shaman, but now wasn’t the time. I’d pressed him, but he’d waved us off, promising he’d go into great detail after this wave. Getting everything set up for today was the number one priority.

“This is just like with the emo-tong,” Gretchen had said when Jonah told us about the church. “I knew it. The shaman actually said that hobgoblins could worship there? I think they were planning on introducing hobgoblins as a playable race.”

It made sense. In the months before they introduced the emo-tong, all sorts of things started popping up, including loot that nobody could equip. It had eventually become clear they were going to introduce a new creature. Then the hive popped up in the middle of China and all hell broke loose for a couple weeks.

I shuddered, remembering the hive queen battle. She was a mountain-sized bug, spewing fire onto the millions who attacked her. It had taken multiple dragons to take her down. Monobrow Sam and I had been there, fighting against the emo-tong warriors on a nearby mountain. Sam had used his harbinger magic to raise an army of zombie emo-tong, who had promptly turned on us. It turned out you couldn’t do that with emo-tong. I’d been stabbed in the stomach, and by the time I could get back to the battle, it had been over. There had been loot for days afterward, though. So many dumbasses went into the world event with a full pack, losing it all when they couldn’t complete a corpse run.

“It makes sense,” I said. “If the plan was to eventually break the Dominion down into a bunch of different kingdoms with all this de-unification crap, then we’d need a few more playable races.”

Jonah had wanted to travel to the main part of Castellane to search out Chief Musa, who was supposedly hiding in the city somewhere, but we hadn’t had time. We had a few surprises for the tormented, who now streamed into the city, and he, Gretchen, Spritz, and Oliver the beastmaster had spent all of yesterday building their trap.

We still didn’t have a sapper in the party. In fact, multiple arrowed NPCs appeared to be alive but hiding in Quibou. Gretchen and Bingo along with his four gorcupines were going to deal with that now, today while the attack was happening. If it was like last time, the monsters for wave three would start showing up right away, and we had to take advantage of the short lull between waves to investigate where the several thousand NPCs were hiding.

I watched the spot on the model, indicating the horde of purple dwarves. A single ballista tower was coming up, just around the corner. The tower was armed and manned by three arrowed civilians. It was the first defense they would meet. Gretchen was nearby, watching.

Gretchen: They’re doing it just like we suspected. The moles are burrowing into the ground, and the tormented are following, just walking into the holes to avoid the towers. The tower hit one of the moles, but it didn’t seem to hurt it too much.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Okay. Be safe. At the first sign of trouble, I want you guys to run.

Gretchen: We’re headed to Quibou now. Good luck to you, too.

I looked at Jonah. “It’s a good thing we knew what to expect,” I said.

Jonah nodded. “Without Raj, we’d be fucked.”

Beyond that single turret was Castle One and the Sentinel Tower, which was currently unoccupied. If we survived past today, my next priority was to go down there and talk to the oracle who occupied the castle. I didn’t want to fight her if I could avoid it, but I needed that key she carried. The Sentinel Tower was too powerful to just ignore. If I could get the triplets in there, all with their level 30 longbow skill…

Of the 75 turrets, we currently had troops in 20 of them. Some of the larger towers required a lot of troops to operate. Each of the huge rock chuckers required a minimum of 125 soldiers to man, with a recommended occupancy of 300. The Butcher’s Delight, which we still hadn’t tested, was a tower that only worked when the barracks below were fully occupied. That obstacle alone required 500 soldiers, with another 50 to the tower, so that one would have to wait. With the reinforcements from Quibou, we currently had just under 600 arrowed civilians plus another 35 white jackets. All of them were placed in various towers around the path, including a single rock chucker with 200 civilians. I’d allowed Jonah to pick all the locations. He seemed the most suited for this type of strategy, plus the white jackets followed his instructions much more readily than they did mine. For this run, we didn’t have enough soldiers to man any of the garrisons, so they currently stood empty.

Most of the traps were active, but we only had enough monsters for a few of the cage traps. All of the obstacles were active except the Hell Gate in Castle Five, which appeared to be offline. Chauncey claimed he had no idea why. We couldn’t actually look at it to confirm it was still there because it didn’t raise into the arena until the creeps approached. The Menagerie only held five pazuzu and the single oblivion walrus, making it woefully underpowered. That problem, hopefully, would be fixed after tonight.

If they make it that far, we’re fucked either way, I thought. Hopefully this plan would work.

“You got this?” Jonah asked as he worried over the map.

“I’m on it,” I said, pulling myself up onto the table. “You go to your position.”

Jonah nodded, turning to leave the room. Vern and the other one would already be waiting for him. The trap was placed early in the spiral, just in case it failed. If it did fail, or some made it through, we still had a good 15 more miles of spiral to try and stop them.

My job was to quickly reassign the soldiers, so they could leapfrog from tower to tower. Once the mobs were out of range, I would quickly assign the defenders to run to another tower further down the line. Hopefully it wouldn’t come to that.

Spritz remained in the room. She seemed especially nervous. I took a moment to examine her skills. She’d already leveled up to 8. At this rate, she’d surpass me in a day or two. Once she hit level ten, we’d be able to start upgrading some of the towers. At level 20, the bigger towers could be upgraded. All it took for her to level was building things.

We needed to get her ass to Harmony. If we could use her to fix the wall, maybe build some of these same types of towers, maybe, just maybe we could pull it off.

My chest ached at that thought. Who were we kidding? Back to Harmony? At this point, we were lucky to survive minute to minute. I had a terrible suspicion that I’d never see Harmony again.

I watched the horde of feral dwarves reach the first trap. I couldn’t tell from the map if they were currently on the path or under it.

War Party> Slam Trap in A2 triggered.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 22 casualties. 2,778 invaders remain.

“That’s it?” I muttered.

We had multiple slam traps throughout the spiral. They activated when one stepped on a pressure plate, and a huge, two-story slab of concrete from a nearby building slammed down, crushing anyone unfortunate enough to be in its area of effect. I’d seen those things take out 300 people at once.

Once you knew what you were looking for, the slabs were fairly obvious, but you had to be looking for them. That’s why you put trap-spotting rogues near the front of the party, right behind the tanks.

Raj: I see Gretchen! She is with many spiky monkeys!

Poppy: I’m totally calling Bingo a spiky monkey from now on.

Bingo: You are aware that I can hear this.

Gretchen: Raj, let us know if you see anyone sneaking up on us.

Raj: Raj is a scout! I will protect my people and Gretchen!

I watched in silence for several more minutes, the only sound being Spritz as she shuffled around the map, making a strange scraping noise as she moved.

Monobrow Sam would’ve loved this shit, I thought. He would’ve fucked it up so bad that we’d all be dead 100 times over, but he would’ve smiled the whole time. And he would’ve made everybody else smile, too. His happiness was infectious.

I don’t know why I thought of him so much lately. I’d lost so much. Molly, Juliette. Everything I touched had a tendency to turn to shit. But Sam… I’d promised him everything would be okay. I’d promised him when I got out I’d make good on the debt. I had the money lined up. It was going to be okay. He was so excited about me getting out of prison. All he talked about in his letters was me getting out so we could play again. There were rumors that they might shut it down. We had to get back in here as soon as possible. We had to run the riot one last time. Make sure we got in with a good group. Maybe we could actually finish this thing.

They’d shot him in the stomach. They did it that way on purpose, so he’d die slowly. They’d taken everything from his apartment, including his two most prized possessions: his neural cradle and his grandmother’s wedding ring, the ring he was going to use when he finally met the right woman. He’d died on the floor of his empty apartment, alone in a pool of his own blood. He’d died because I hadn’t been there to protect him.

 “I’m sorry, Sam,” I said, watching the dot approach Castle Two. “If you’re out there, I want you to watch this. This is for you.”

Jonah Note 11

“They come,” Vern said. The half-ogre’s giant, trashcan maul sat on the ground, and I’d been using it as a chair. I leaped up, watching. I had two half-ogres with me. Vern and another with only one arm. That one was a farmer from the town of Marizy, and he only came with us today because he refused to let us use his oxen without accompanying them. Behind us, the two oxen grunted with impatience. Their empty carts creaked as the beasts pulled against them.

Three towers loomed above, along the extended, straight path that led away from Castle Two and approached the winding Seine—the Cassagnac River here. We hadn’t yet explored this second castle. In the real world, this was Musée de l'Armée or the Army museum, and it was also Napoleon’s tomb. Neither Gretchen nor Popper could remember anything about this game version, but Popper didn’t think it was anything special. The castle was visually similar to Castle Six, but its exterior gave no hint as to the contents within. A tomb made me think there would be undead, but this entire city was built over a tomb. It was one of the worst places in the world for me to be with my curse. If I didn’t have the castle to protect me, I imagined I’d be overwhelmed with undead in a matter of hours. I didn’t currently see any undead on my minimap. I still wore the Detect Undead pendant around my neck. Deeper in the city, however, my map was awash with the faded red dots, indicating inactive and hidden undead. These, I knew, were all underground, part of the massive Catacombs the city rested upon.

The first tower stood near the start of the long, dirt pathway toward the bridge. The second, slightly-larger tower rose about a hundred meters further down, halfway between the first and the bridge.

The third tower stood just on the other side of the stone bridge, on the opposite shore of the Cassagnac. The first and third turret required a minimum of five soldiers to operate, but hit peak efficiency with 15. I had 15 in each of these. The middle turret required just five, and I’d maxed that one out also. Granger controlled the first tower, Tiatha controlled the second, and the triplets—who refused to be separated—controlled the third. The first and third turrets were level one arrow towers. The maximum damage of each shot was a product of the total level of all the archers in the tower. Everyone was at least level one, with several level 5’s mixed in. The third tower with the triplets was by far the most deadly. I was surprised to see that Ace, their ever-present auric bard, had a respectable level of 14 with the longbow, raising the damage of that third tower even more.

If all went as planned, nobody in that third tower would even get a chance to fire a shot. Their job was to kill anything that got through.

“Shit, those things are bigger than I thought they would be,” I said, seeing the lesser moles for the first time. The sun was just starting to set in the west, the yellow light reflecting off the monsters. They traveled close to the ground, but their gray, fuzzy bodies seemed to be nothing but pure muscle. They marched slowly, leading the procession of dwarves like panzer tanks. Each of the several hundred moles had long snouts with dozens of arm-length appendages writhing from the tip. Their forward claws were like the buckets on construction excavators. Gretchen had said they could dig quickly.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Granger, fire when ready.

Granger: Firing now.

I watched as a hail of arrows from the first tower rained on the front line of moles, arcing in the air and slamming down on them from above. They squealed in terror, and a handful of them fell over, dead.

“Let us charge these beasts. We shall die in glory, you and me,” Vern said. I could hear the half-ogre’s heart thumping from my position next to him.

“Uh, not today, buddy,” I said. “Remember. We have a plan.”

The moles, as one, frantically dug a hole, creating a colossal tunnel large enough to drive a semi-truck through. So much dirt showered into the air, I couldn’t see anything for several moments. They burrowed out of sight as the line of purple-hued dwarves clomped noisily forward.

Come on, hurry up, I thought, watching the slow-moving dwarves march.

These were no normal dwarves. They had the same approximate size and shape as dwarves, but the similarities ended there. They looked as if they’d all been choked to death, giving their skin the purple pallor. Their round, bug eyes practically boggled out of their heads, their retinas turning in odd directions. Their filthy, dreadlocked beards trailed to the ground, and not a one of them appeared to have ever taken a bath. These creatures wore ragged clothes, and their weapons were mostly pickaxes and simple maces. If they had a leader amongst them, I didn’t see one.

They weren’t undead, but they were cursed, according to Gretchen and Popper. They were normal dwarves who had turned that way because their god had been deposed, cutting off their access to an afterlife.

Christ almighty, I thought, not for the first time. The fuckers who came up with these monsters were sadistic assholes.

The long line of tormented descended into the hole. The moles had started their tunnel just a little too late, and several arrows hit the dwarves as they descended.

Further down, just past the second tower, the ground buckled. I held my breath. The whole ground shook as the moles attempted to emerge back onto the trail, but they found they couldn’t. They smashed themselves against the ground again and again, finding they were trapped.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Holy shit. I think it’s working.

Poppy: Fuck yeah!

After spending hours studying the map, I’d found the perfect spot for the trap, here on the long, straight path leading away from Castle Two. The first tower would start to rain arrows, causing the moles to dig. Because of the second tower, they’d have to dig a long way, making the tunnel wide and long enough where most of—and hopefully all of—the tormented would enter the tunnel at once.

The moles would attempt to emerge just before the bridge, but they’d find they were trapped underneath a hidden layer of thick, reinforced rock, placed yesterday thanks to the efforts of Spritz.

Building in the center of the spiral was an odd thing. Spritz said the magic wouldn’t allow her to construct barriers or anything that blocked the path, not anything taller than knee height. But flat, horizontal surfaces such as the one she built yesterday were no problem.

Once the moles hit the rock, they’d have no choice but to dig as close to the river as possible, not realizing…

Whoosh! The distinctive sucking noise let me know they’d hit the water. Gretchen’s Create Spring spell, carefully placed just on this side of the river had been all we needed to weaken the shore just enough. Water would now be flooding the cave through the swiss-cheese wall, and the moles would be scrambling to get out, digging the only way they could go: left, right, and down, and each time running into nothing but the edge of the spiral path.

The tormented within, pressed against each other and in the dark would be killed by the hundreds. Already they started to emerge from the back of the tunnel, rushing to get out as Granger’s crew rained fire on them.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Tiatha. Fire now. Just one shot. Don’t fire again unless I tell you to.

Tiatha: I am complying.

Boom! The ground buckled at the mortar tower blasted at the entrance to the tunnel, caving it in. Red and purple dwarf chunks went flying. The staggered dwarves who managed to make it out were quickly picked off by Granger.

I’d been surprised to see four mortar towers listed on the map, considering all the trouble we’d gone through to get explosives from the gnomes and then the emo-tong alchemists, but apparently the hobgoblins had that technology also. I wasn’t going to complain.

The mortar towers were slow, but they had a decent range, and their explosions had splash damage, hitting more than just their target. But for right now my target was the large, open end of the tunnel.

“Watch my back,” I called to Vern as I sprinted from my hiding spot and rushed toward the water, pulling Triple Fang free.

“I don’t know if this will work,” Gretchen had said, when I explained the first part of the plan. “They’re dwarves, and they have a high constitution. They can hold their breath for a long time, longer than you think. They’re used to being buried. They’re like cockroaches, hard to kill. They’ll just dig out.”

“I guess I gotta jazz it up a little then,” I’d said.

As I rushed forward, I could hear the clinking sound of pickaxes against the ground as the desperate and panicked dwarves tried to free themselves. They’d break through in minutes.

Water burbled out of the small hole I’d had Spritz place, just at the base of the bridge. The vent was too small for anyone to get through, but it was large enough for me to see through.

And more importantly, it was large enough for me to cast my spell, Summon Fish.

My instinct had been to use the same summoning I’d used before with the gorgons in the sewers of Valisa. Lethal piranhas. They’d killed three of the high-level monsters in seconds. But unfortunately here, the water of this river was contaminated with some sort of charm stone, making it uninhabitable to most fish. The stone had supposedly been placed upstream by the Dominion in an effort to starve out the hobgoblins. As a result, when the menu for Summon Fish popped up with this water, my list was very short.

This game had fish that swam in lava and in steam, so I knew there’d be something nasty that could survive in an underground pool of poisoned water. After consulting with Gretchen and Popper, we had found the perfect candidate for this job.

Do you wish to Summon Fish? You have 1/1 summons available today.

I chose yes and scrolled through the list until I found the one I needed. I clicked confirm.

You have successfully summoned a bed of Shocking Ogre Eels.

I stepped back and the water began to fountain out of the small vent. The water crackled with electricity and smelled oddly of beef soup. The ground buckled again, and I stepped back further onto the bridge, worried the whole walkway would collapse. Grayed-out notifications flew past in my vision, scrolling like high-speed movie credits.

Gretchen: Oh, wow. I’m getting assist experience for this.

Poppy: Godamnit it all to hell. I knew I should have helped build that trap. Damnit.

The notifications just came and came. The frantic picking against the ground stopped.

Bam! A rush of water, moles, eels, and dwarves exploded out of a new hole underneath the base of the bridge. The meter-long eels hit the river and continued on their way, splashing and discharging their electricity downriver. Some were dead, but most lived. They wriggled into the water, their sparkles yellow as they were swept away.

The moles tumbled into the river and quickly hit the shimmering edge of the spiral path. They exploded off the threshold like pinballs. Each collision crackled with electricity, causing a dam of spinning, whirling bodies to form under the bridge. Those pressed against the wall for too long eventually exploded. If these moles were alive before they fell into the river, they were dead now.

Hundreds of dead, purple dwarves mixed in with the electrocuted moles and spilled out onto the shore. Water started to back up on the bank, rising quickly.

A single mole, not quite dead, scrambled up the opposite shore, just skirting the edge of the shimmering path. It turned toward me, hissing.

Oh fuck.

I spun up Triple Fang. It charged. I charged. It exploded.

One moment it was there. The next it literally tore into pieces as dozens of arrows slammed into it from behind. In that fraction of a moment, I thought Tiatha had hit it with her cannon tower. She hadn’t. These were arrows from the triplets. Bloody, stinking mole pieces showered over me as they flew past, covering my face and mouth as if I’d been shot with a shotgun filled with mole gore.

Pain erupted as a stray arrow hit my shoulder, and I rocketed back. My vision flashed red. I hit the ground hard, skidding. It felt as if I’d been hit with a sledgehammer.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Cease fire! Cease fire!

Damn, that was close. I pulled a healing potion free and drank it down. I screamed as the barbed arrow pushed out of my shoulder, leaving a fist-sized hole in my leather pauldron.

Far behind me, I heard a few more arrows fly loose from Granger’s position. A moment later came silence.

Wave 2 of 5 complete.

You have received a reward! 1,500 jacks have been added to your account. You have received a training token!

War Party> Spiral systems deactivating.

War Party> Spiral systems are now offline, and it is safe to traverse the spiral path. Chamber imps have been dispatched to reset the traps and clear corpses.

War Party Admin> Warning! You have traps that need to be reloaded.

War Party Admin> Warning! You have towers with no assigned defenders.

Poppy: Jesus Christ, Jonah. That was some genocide-level shit you just pulled.

I grunted, not bothering to reply. I watched Vern and the one-armed half-ogre slowly pick their way toward me, the team of oxen trailing behind. I checked the messages as I waited. I hadn’t received full experience for all the dwarves and moles we had killed, but I’d gotten a handful of experience for each one. It wasn’t quite enough to level me up to 36, but I was right on the brink. I suspected Gretchen was now level 27. Poor Popper probably hadn’t received any experience at all for that. The next time we built something like that, we needed to make sure he did something so the game would register he helped.

Poppy: Have you checked the traps yet?

His Royal Majesty Jonah: I’m doing it now.

I pulled myself to my feet, coming to the first of many red rings on the ground. I tried to yank the chain up, but I wasn’t strong enough. Vern arrived and easily pulled the chain, pulling the monster trap out of the ground. Dirt and rock bits came up with it as it slid free of the hole.

We’d buried twelve of them in random spots along the path, attaching them to long chains, and burying them in holes placed by Spritz, lowered just far enough so hopefully the moles would get “pokemoned” into the traps, as Popper had called it. To my disappointment, it looked as if this first trap hadn’t even been triggered.

We weren’t sure they would work. Once triggered, they only sucked in monsters for a few moments until they were reset. Only weakened monsters could be sucked into the capture traps, so moles just burrowing past, minding their own business wouldn’t be seized.

The second and the third trap had been triggered, but both were empty. The third trap held a single lesser mole, its outline magically indicated on the outside of the trap, with a single hashtag, indicating only a single monster inside. The next one held two of the ogre eels, surprising me.

We hit pay dirt with the next three traps. All three were filled to capacity with the tormented. Two had 24 of the purple dwarves trapped within. The third held 23 of the dwarves. We captured two more moles, and the rest were empty.

Full traps, we had learned, were heavy as shit. We piled them up in the back of the oxen cart, and I sent Vern and the other ogre back to the castle to meet up with Oliver the beastmaster, who’d place the dwarves and moles in cages at the Menagerie. I don’t know what he’d do with the eels.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: We ended up with two eels, three moles, and 71 dwarves.

Poppy: No shit? I guess it’s better than nothing.

An NPC member of your party has committed murder!

That notification came from nowhere. It had to have been a direct party member, not a member of the war party. That meant it had to come from one of Popper’s original crew, but they were all in towers right now except for Raj, Bingo, and Winston. Oh and Spritz.

Poppy: Who was that? What’s going on?

Raj: New monsters come! I do not know where Gretchen is!

Gretchen: Guys. I could use a hand here.

Gretchen Note 2

Once the line of tormented had passed, we sneaked onto the trail and rushed out of Castellane and down the road toward the town of Quibou. I’d half-expected to be blocked at the border of the city, but the quarantine appeared to be for the country of Libri, not the city.

Darkness was starting to descend, and we hurried down the path. It was me, Bruce Bruce, Bingo, Winston, and the three new gorcupines. The three newcomers were from the same tribe as Winston, but all three were smaller than him by almost a head. Bingo towered over us all.

“We shall find these cowards, these so-called warriors,” Bruce Bruce was saying. “We shall shame them. Tell them their ancestors are weeping!”

“That’s the plan,” I said.

We had to hurry. Last time, the tormented started streaming into Quibou that night after wave one had started. I didn’t know when the monsters of wave three would appear, but I wanted to be long gone before it happened. The plan was to slip in, figure out where these several thousand arrowed warriors were hiding, and to lead them back into the city.

This was really a job for Commander Holder, but we’d decided not to risk him. If Jonah’s trap failed, we had a series of towers a mile down the road that would hopefully devastate the dwarves and moles. We’d put Holder and his white jackets in charge of that whole area.

In a matter of minutes we were in the main gathering arcade of Quibou, near the base of the Defender’s Door. To the left was the smashed-in entrance to the white jacket garrison, where Popper had first encountered the Orochi demon, Akkorokamui. I didn’t know for sure where the demon was now, though I assumed she was still in that castle there, waiting her turn for wave 5.

On the other side of the street was the Luxuriant, and at the very top, a tiny, furry creature stood dangerously on the top of the hotel, waving down at me furiously. I waved to Raj, and we continued on our way.

We’d decided that we were going to leave him there for now. It was dangerous, but we needed accurate intel on the nature of the upcoming waves. He’d gathered a small crew of hotel guests and staff to keep him company, so he wouldn’t get lonely, and the kid seemed to thrive on having someone to “protect.”

Two streets over to the open-air mercenary markets, and we’d begin our search. According to the list in the War Events tab, we were missing 1,744 mercenaries. They were alive, and they were in Quibou. How hard could it be to find them? Bingo had an excellent sense of smell, and I had a Tracking skill of 10, though I’d never actually used it.

We rushed to the edge of the market, which appeared to be abandoned. The entire street before it was shattered, bars and markets burned to the ground. It reminded me of Icardi after we’d blown up the demon with the holy wine. The only remaining structures in this neighborhood were a few random structures that miraculously survived and several of the brick halls deeper down in the mercenary arcade.

I paused before the only pub that still stood, a small shack called The Thirsty Intellect. A single candle was lit in the window, indicating someone was there. I slipped off Bruce Bruce, bidding the others to remain outside while I took a look.

I felt the familiar tug as I entered, the lure of the bar. Even before my eyes adjusted to the dark, I felt it, like a magnet pulling me in. This was my home. Small, intimate bars like that were my favorite. I’d always go straight to the bar, order Smirnoff and Sprite. Sometimes I wouldn’t even look around. When you looked around, you would see their eyes, accusing.

Porkchop, Porkchop. I still heard it, the mocking. Even now, in this beautiful body, I heard the taunting. It’d become my mantra. I’d see the bar, tell myself I wouldn’t drink, but then I’d hear the voices. It’d been years, decades. The only time the voices would stop was there, at the bar. I felt myself involuntarily take a step toward it.

The man sitting alone at the counter broke my reverie. I looked at him with surprise.

He appeared to be the only one here. Multiple empty bottles lay about around him. He was a blond man, wearing a fine cloak. He seemed to be about the same height and age as me. It appeared as if he’d been parked in that chair for some time now. He had a line of empty shot glasses in front of him. The human had a single chevron over his head, indicating he’d been arrowed. He hadn’t answered the call to go to Castellane.

“They kicked me out,” the man said, looking over his shoulder at me. He downed another drink. “I told them it hadn’t counted, that I was still at the front of the line. They kicked me out. Then the hobgoblins came, and I saved them. Ungrateful bastards. They still wouldn’t let me back in. When my father gets back…” He poured another shot from a bottle. I realized with amusement that this was wine, a Chardonnay. He was drinking shots of wine. It was something Nadia and I had done when we were small, back when we hadn’t known better.

Since he was already arrowed, I could examine his properties. I clicked through and was surprised to see the man was a powerful, level 44 fire mage. His name was Pritford. It sounded familiar.

I walked up to the bar to stand next to the man. “Hey,” I said, talking softly. I’d learned over the years this was the best way to talk to drunk men. Make them think of their mothers. “Why didn’t you answer the call to go to the city? You’re needed there.”

“This is for you,” the man said, tossing me a book, ignoring the question.

I grabbed it, looking at it, surprised. It was a hardback book, bound in leather. It had been soaked in wine. Etched on the cover was the dragon helmet logo for the game. I opened it up. Dominion of Blades.

This was Jonah’s book. He had just finished it, what? Three days ago? The messengers were supposedly bringing copies to all the pubs in the world. I guessed they moved quickly.

“Where did you get this?” I asked.

“Yesterday. A royal messenger came in, dropped it off, told me to give it to anybody I see who is new in town.” He held his shot glass of wine and sipped it this time, his pinky out. “So I give it to you, pretty lady. You are my only friend in this world. Do you think we should be married?”

I slipped the book into my bag. “Pritford, do you know where the others are? Can you show me?”

“There are monsters out there,” he said.

“Not for the moment. But some will come back soon, so we must hurry.”

“That little bitch fired me, just like that. She didn’t even give me a chance to show her what I could do. Nobody ever believes I am strong. Not my father, not any of the others at the guild. They all laughed at me when I was fired. They pushed me out the door. Kortiss didn’t even stop them. Then the hobgoblins came, and I held them back, but nobody saw what I did. Hundreds died, but not me. I burned them by the hundreds.”

I realized this was the mage Popper had dealt with earlier. I’d forgotten to ask him what the story was there, but I could tell why he’d rubbed Popper the wrong way. Even as a drunken mess, the man had an air of haughtiness about him, one I knew the little barbarian would not abide.

I grabbed Pritford by the back of the cloak, forcefully pulling him off the chair. He swayed on his feet.

“Come on,” I said. “Take a deep breath. We’re going outside, and you’re going to show me where they are.”

“I suppose we’ll need witnesses for the wedding ceremony,” he muttered, stumbling out of my grip and toward the door. He reached it before I could, pausing to behold the five gorcupines and bear waiting outside.

“You, porter!” he cried out to Bingo. “Make certain my fiancée’s items are in order!” He turned back to me, whispering loudly, “What’s your name again?”

“Gretchen,” I said.

“Miss Gretchen and I are to be married as soon as possible. Make certain nothing goes wrong, or I’ll have your head!” He stumbled toward Bingo, raising his fists. “Insolence? Is that a look of insolence? My wife shall not have insolent servants, you filthy ape! Now stand still while I teach you a lesson.”

I rushed forward, stopping Pritford before he was murdered. I made him get up on Bruce Bruce’s back, who complained loudly until I told him to hush up.

“Which way?” I said. Pritford grunted, pointing toward the empty market.

As we traveled, notifications started scrolling by. Jonah was in the process of springing his trap on the tormented. I leveled up, hitting level 27 because the AI believed I had assisted with the creation of the trap.

I thought of Jonah, and of all he suffered. Every time something awful happened, like when my legs had been ripped off, or when I’d survived being burned alive by the chinchillas, or that horrific Insanity effect, I thought of what Jonah had to suffer through. No matter what happened to me, he had it worse.

Besides, I deserved it. I deserved every second of it.

We came to a lavish, stone building that had survived the assault. The mage’s union hall. It was the first in a long line of specialty union halls.

“They’re in there,” Pritford said, waving.

I looked at the building dubiously. “We’re looking for a group of over seventeen hundred fighters. I don’t think they’re all in here.”

Pritford shook his head, then yawned. “No. They’re in there. The mage hall, the clerics, the rogues, our buildings look separate, but they’re not. An enclosed system of tunnels connects them all. This whole area was once the dwarfish Kingdom of Blaine, and he dug out many nooks and crannies before the wark-ee tore him apart. My father helped set up the union halls. Deep spells protect the space inside. It keeps them all safe. No magic, no magic items, no weapons otherwise. Everyone behaves themselves in the halls. Though the grapple magic, the one that won’t let you carry a weapon. That one doesn’t work on dwarves. Nobody knows why.” Pritford shrugged. “Oh, and there are a lot more than 1,700 people in there. I’d guess closer to 6,000. Those are deep caves.”

“They are trapped within?” Bingo asked.

“Not trapped,” Pritford said, sounding offended. “They’re pro-tect-ted. I initiated the emergency protocols. My father had made sure we all knew them. He put me in charge when he left. It’s my responsibility, the ungrateful bastards. I should’ve just let them all die.” He looked up at Bingo, who regarded the human with unbridled disgust. Pritford poked a finger at the massive gorilla as if he was lecturing him. “If an invasion comes, and it looks as if the tide is turning against you, rush to one of the halls. They’ll take anyone in. And once inside, I will cast my Fire Bound spell, and poof!” He slapped his hands together. “The doors seal. It’d take a primordial one to break that seal. You will be safe. It’s a guarantee.”

“And how do they get out?” I asked.

“Why would they want to get out? It’s dangerous out here!”

I exchanged a look with Bingo, who looked uncharacteristically alarmed. “Pritford. How do you let them out?”

“I cast the counterspell. It’s the only way.”

“Okay,” I said, relieved. “This is what’s going to happen. You’re going to cast that counterspell right now.”

“And why would I do that, miss Gwendolyn?”

“It’s Gretchen. And if you don’t, then Bingo here is going to grab your head in his hand, and he’s going to squeeze it until it pops.”

“Oh yeah?” he said. “You can’t threaten me. I’m to be your husband. That’s not how to start a loving and fulfilling relationship. Besides, if I die, the spell breaks anyway. So there. My father told me to never tell anyone that. Wait, that didn’t come out right…”

“Stop,” I called to Bingo, who had reached forward to grab the mage. “Let’s give him a chance. He’s a powerful mage, and we can use him when he sobers up.”

I heard it before I saw it. Distant buzzing, like an army of bugs descending on us. I held up my hand, and we all stopped, looking around. Bruce Bruce started to growl.

“Something comes,” Bingo said.

“And you want to let them out?” Pritford said, scoffing. “When we’re married, you just let me do the thinking, and you can just be pretty.”

“Pritford,” I said. “We don’t have time for this. Cast the spell. Cast it now.”

“Oh all right,” he said. “There’s a short cooldown before it’ll open, just so you know. It takes time for the seals to break.”

Crap. Dark shadows filled the sky. They flew overhead, buzzing in the air.

Flying monsters. I couldn’t tell what they were, but a sea of dots appeared on my minimap. We weren’t prepared to deal with that. We’d have to make sure all the towers were armed and as leveled up as possible.

“Okay,” I said to Pritford. “Do it anyway. Do it now.”

A loud snore rose from Bruce Bruce’s back. Floating over Pritford’s head was a notification. Unconscious. A 6-hour timer started ticking down.

“Mother…!” I cried, trying not to swear. Ladies don’t swear, Lin. It’s a sign of crudeness.

I sighed. Bingo looked at me questioningly. I nodded.

An NPC member of your party has committed murder!

Crack! Steam rose from five sets of doors down the line of buildings. The sound was like that of a thunderclap. The door closest to me, the entrance of the mage’s union, glowed red hot. I could feel the heat pulsing off it. Arcane symbols suddenly appeared, etched in the door. These glowed blue and started to throb.

Above, multiple bug mounts hovered in the air, looking down at us. I could see shadows of humanoid shapes riding on the backs of the mounts, shapes with four arms, wielding bows and spears.

Emo-tong. But their dots were red, indicating them as hostile.

The Hive was finally making their move.

I looked around for cover, but there was nothing. The Thirsty Intellect was too far away. Few other ramshackle buildings stood between here and there, but most didn’t appear to even have roofs.

An arrow flew from one of the bugs, striking Bingo in the shoulder. He roared in rage.

Raj: New monsters come! I do not know where Gretchen is!

Gretchen: Guys. I could use a hand here.

An alleyway stood between the Mage and the Cleric union hall. It was covered, but only with what appeared to be a wide cloth. It sloped sharply down toward to a residential street behind the market. From here, I couldn’t see the state of that neighborhood, but I suspected it was just as bad as the rest of the town. I pushed the lifeless body of Pritford off Bruce Bruce’s back—Bingo had literally twisted his head off—and I jumped on, directing my mount toward the side street.

I could really have used Pritford’s Raining Blood spell right about now. Drunken bastard.

I called for Bingo and company to follow, but he waved me off. “You. Get undercover. These are emo-tong. I have crushed many of these before. I know the trick to crush many more. There are too many for you to fight at once.”

Bingo roared as Bruce Bruce and I fled. He’d cast Fear with his roar, but I knew that would not be effective. The emo-tong had no emotions as far as I could tell. They had a high natural armor, and they were great spellcasters. They were immune to spells like Fear and anything else that would control them, including Stun Enemy and the like. Even the dead emo-tong couldn’t be controlled. I’d played a harbinger before, and I’d learned that the hard way. They could also fly, sort of. It was more like glorified jumping. Killing them in the spiral with traps was going to be difficult.

But emo-tong were physically weak, and one-on-one they could be taken out easily. We had a few Muzzle towers on the path. We’d have to focus our defenses around those. Maybe after tonight Spritz would be a high enough level to build a few more. If we could keep them from casting their spells, we could rip them to shreds.

I exited the alleyway. The tall, dark backs to the union halls rose like monoliths in the early night. From this side, I could see they were all built upon a rocky bluff. Red light erupted from several places on these back walls, indicating hidden exits.

As expected, this neighborhood was crushed to smithereens, even more so than the previous ones. It looked as if the fighting with the hobgoblins had been especially fierce here.

An oddly-familiar sounding explosion rocked the night. It came from behind, from back where Bingo was fighting off the mounted emo-tong. The ground shook.

What was that? No, it couldn’t be.

With a rising dread, I realized I knew what it was. That was a hackbut blast. The emo-tong had guns.

We’d sold them the gnomish technology. We’d given them the tools to make the guns, and they were using them on us now.

I suddenly felt like a coward. Why was I running? Why had I separated from Bingo? He’d been saving me, I realized. But why was I letting him?

He’s an NPC. You’re not. You’re more important than him.

Yet, yet… If I died, I’d come right back. I’d wake up in that chamber outside of the defense cockpit. If any of the gorcupines died, they’d be done until this event was over. And even then, they’d wake up somewhere far from here.

I’d lose Bruce Bruce, but that was it. He’d regenerate in Harmony. There were other mounts here. I liked Bruce Bruce, and I wanted to make him my pet, but still. In this situation, right now, right here, the gorcupines were actually more important than I was.

I pulled Bruce Bruce to a stop. “Come on,” I said. “We’re going back.”

“But... but there was a big sound. You know I fear big sounds.”

Thankfully, I noted, there’d only been one sound so far.

“I know, Brucie. I do too. You’re my big, brave boy. Remember?”

Bruce Bruce grunted. He liked it when I talked to him like this, but only when we were alone. “I remember,” he said.

Gretchen: Bingo. Where are you?

Bingo: We are running. The flying mounts cannot turn around in the air quickly, so we run past them. We are uninjured so far save for a few arrows. The explosive blast did not hit us.

Gretchen: Okay, good. I’m going to try to find a place where I can start hitting them with my bow. Raj, are you there? I want you to take your friends and get off the roof. Go to the top floor and hide there, but not on the roof. Okay?

Raj: Raj has done this already! I have seen the flying bugs. They are emo-tong! Raj is scared of emo-tong! Raj knew all along they were nasty.

Poppy: Oh fuck. We’re fighting emo-tong next?

We scrambled out of the alley and back into the warrior arcade. It was empty. It appeared most of the bugs had moved to the staging area while a handful hunted Bingo and crew another street down, approaching the northwestern edge of town, the opposite direction of Castellane.

The bugs—they were katydid mounts, I now saw—circled above the neighborhood like vultures, seeking out their prey.

How were we going to get back to the city? We’d have to sneak down to the river, skirt the edge, and cut back to the gate.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: I’ll be there in a second. Where are you?

I was equally horrified and relieved that Jonah had answered my call for help. Of course he answered. That’s what he does.

Gretchen: If you enter town down the main road, you’ll run right into them.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: I know the city. I studied the map, so now I can pull one up. Where are you?

Gretchen: Really? Let me try something. Tell me if this works.

This hadn’t worked before, but we hadn’t had an expert-level cartographer in the party before, either. I mentally pulled up his profile and sent a Send Location waypoint ping to him.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: I see you. I now have a purple waypoint on my map leading to you.

At the edge of the market stood the crumbled remains of the wall where the mercenary archers placed their targets. I jumped off Bruce Bruce and climbed up the side, rising a good ten feet in the air. I pulled my bow from my pack and searched for a target. In the distance, I saw Bingo and his crew crash through the streets, moving away from me, a pair of buzzing beetle things swooping down on them. One emo-tong held twin spears in its four arms. I wasn’t worried about that one. The other, with its flaming fists worried me. That was a fire mage, and it hurled missile after missile at the gorcupines, scoring hits every now and then, eliciting howls of rage from the beasts.

I was too far away. I cried with frustration and rushed back down the rocks as Jonah came running up, his sword out. He bent over, breathing hard. “I ran the whole way,” he said between gulps of air. “It’s farther than it looks.”

I quickly filled him in. He looked over his shoulder at the glowing red doors. The glowing had noticeably dimmed. One of the doors, the rogue’s union at the end of the line, vibrated, as if the trapped mercenaries within were pounding on the door, trying to escape.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Bingo. Lead them back this way toward us. I think the doors here are about to burst. We’ll have a lot of backup in a minute.

Bingo: Your majesty! I didn’t know you were here. We are coming this instant.

Jonah and I rushed across the street to this last guild. The sign read, “The Rogue’s Gallery.” This door was just as large and as ornate as the one to the mage’s guild. The door had to stand 15 feet high.

I aimed my bow, focusing on the fire mage emo-tong on the back of the katydid. I released. The arrow flew true, knocking the emo-tong off the back of the bug. It hissed as it fell to its death.

System Message> The Hive has declared war on the Dominion!

System Message> The Hive has declared war on the city-state of Castellane!

“Did you do that?” Jonah asked, looking between me and the now-dead emo-tong.

“Huh,” I said. “I think I did.”

Behind us, the door to the rogue’s union pulsed and bent. The sound of a heavy pounding came from the other side.

Jonah hesitantly reached forward to touch the door. He jerked his hand back. “It’s hot,” he said.

I sighed. Sometimes I did feel like I was working with a bunch of children. “When that door opens,” I said. “They’re probably going to rush out. Pritford said there’s a lot more people in there than we thought. I think that’s because only the mercenaries were pre-arrowed for us. We’ll have to start arrowing everybody we see. There’ll be panic, and we’ll need to contain it as much as we can. We can’t let anyone run toward the staging area, or they’ll set off the army that’s gathering there.”

Jonah grit his teeth and nodded.

Across the street, Bingo and his four gorillas rushed toward our position. They’d been grappling with the spear-wielding emo-tong who ineffectively jabbed at them, hovering just out of reach. The other katydid, now without a rider, circled higher above. Behind us, the door splintered.

A few doors down at the clerics union, the door burst open. A few half-ogres and aurics burst out. I looked at them across the way. These were already-arrowed mercenaries, and they stumbled out into the night, weapons clutched in their hands.

“Don’t run,” I called. “Stay there for now. Keep the people from panicking. There is still danger in town.”

“Us don’t run?” the half-ogre called pointing at me. “No. We won’t. But you need to. Right now.”

Behind us, the door to the rogue’s union burst open, and Jonah and I stood face-to-face with a massive, red ogre-like beast carrying a spiked club. The horned monster looked at us in surprise, then roared. The beast was almost as tall as the door. The muscled creature was several feet taller than Bingo, and just as wide.

Bruce Bruce growled, swiping forward with his claw, barely reaching the monster’s ankles.

The minimap was suddenly awash in red dots.

Bingo: You need to get out of there. They are coming from multiple hidden exits in that building. They are already flanking you. These are beasts from Orochi. They are very strong.

Poppy: What the fuck is going on? Get the hell out of there.

Bruce Bruce and I backed away as the club swung high. Another of the ogres appeared, then another. Suddenly they were all around us. From deep within the rogue union, there was an additional noise, an odd clicking, unnaturally loud, mixed in with the deep clang of a bell, ringing over and over like a heartbeat.

Jonah struggled to spin up his blades without hitting me or Bruce Bruce. An ogre swung, hitting him from behind. He cried out, falling forward onto the walkway. He rolled out of the way, getting tangled in his own blades as the club smashed against the ground.

Gretchen: Poppy. I think we’re going to die. We’re surrounded. It’s more Orochi monsters, bigger than the kappa ones you fought.

Poppy: Hang on.

Jonah rolled onto his feet, his blades whipping out as he untangled them with an impressive flick of his wrist. He managed to deflect another swing of the massive club, but yet another ogre rounded the corner, pushing the others out of the way to get to him. We were completely walled in. Shouting rose behind us, the calls of mercenaries and other citizens of Quibou as they emerged from the other union halls.

Damn you, Pritford, I thought. You said they were all connected.

I cringed as an ogre stood above us, club in the air. But just as the creature was going to flattened us, he paused, looking up at the sky, his eyes blinking with what appeared to be a data transfer. They all stopped dead. The ogres looked at each other, and without a word, they turned and ran away. The flying emo-tong mounts were also gone. Just like that.

The entrance to the rogue’s guild, where just moments before had been filled with the monsters scrambling to get at us, was now empty. The ones inside hadn’t even run past us. It was like they’d disappeared. Through the smashed-open door I could see a few wide-eyed, arrowed soldiers walk hesitantly into the room. It appeared the guilds had been connected, but they’d all been trapped together. There’d been a battle, a recent one, within.

What the heck? Where did they go?

“What the hell just happened?” Jonah asked, looking around wildly. He pulled out a healing potion, downing it. His left shoulder made a sickening noise as it crunched back into place. I hadn’t even realized it had been dislocated. “Why are they leaving?”

Poppy: Did it work?

His Royal Majesty Jonah: What happened? What did you do?

Raj: Many more buggers just appeared in the street! They teleported in! So many they fell on top of each other! A big portal opened, and they’re going through! I see the other end of the portal! They’re taking a shortcut to the big gate! There’s a big skellie! He’s scary!

With a sinking horror, I realized what he had done.

Gretchen: That was not a good idea, Popper.

Jonah Note 12

Wave 3 of 5

This wave has been called early! You will receive an additional bonus if you survive this wave!

War Party Admin> Warning! Your city has been invaded by a battalion from another Kingdom! <9,998 Emo-Tong warriors. 50 Oni. 1 Gashadokuro. 800 Katydid Mounts. 1 Flying Mantis Mount. Led by Jinzhou Un of the 101st Hive Bombardiers.> They are now traveling the spiral path. Proceed immediately to the defense cockpit!

War Party> The city is under attack.

War Party> Spiral systems arming.

War Party> All defenders proceed immediately to your assigned towers.

War Party Admin> Warning! You have towers with unassigned defense positions. These towers will remain inactive until you assign a defender.

War Party Admin> Warning! You have cage traps that have not been loaded. They will issue a misfire if triggered.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Oh my fucking god, Popper!

Poppy: What the hell else was I going to do? You were trapped! If it had just been Gretchen, I’d have let her die. But oh no, hero Jonah—the only one of us who isn’t immortal—had to go out there and put himself in danger. I did it to save your ass, dickweed. So quit complaining and get your ass back into the city and help me figure this out.

“Okay, okay,” Gretchen said. “We have the soldiers we need right here.” She indicated the soldiers and people streaming out of the union halls. Those who weren’t arrowed, ran, rushing away toward the far edges of town. “I’m promoting some of these soldiers to sergeant. Arrow everyone you can before they get away!”

I looked about, dazed, still a bit muddled. My shoulder ached. This was my fault. But Gretchen had asked for help. I hadn’t even thought about it. I’d just come running.

I selected two older men as they rushed by, both of them pollywogs. I arrowed them both. One of the men rounded on me, enraged, until he saw who I was. “Your majesty!” the pollywog cried, falling to his knees. I bid him to get up.

“Everyone form up,” I called. “We don’t have time. We’re marching into Castellane in a few minutes.”

“Bingo,” I added, pointing to the large gorcupine, who was being healed by a cleric. “Conscript as many as you can! No children or elderly. Everyone else.” The gorilla nodded and loped off down the street.

I turned to arrow more people as they ran past, but a texugo bumped right into me. The man was not arrowed, but he wasn’t fleeing, either. It appeared he’d been walking toward the already-arrowed mercenaries. The grizzled NPC wore a dark cloak, rogue style. Gretchen came up beside me, riding on Bruce Bruce. The badger looked oddly amused at the sudden chaos in the streets. “What happened in there?” I asked.

“A portal opened up inside the rogue guild. Right there in the main room. The oni came through,” the rogue said. As he talked, he reached forward and pretended to pull a coin from Bruce Bruce’s ear. The bear gasped. The badger ruffled the top of the bear’s head. “But they found themselves trapped same as us. We sealed up the walkway between the rogue hall and the druids best we could. It was a standoff for a good three days. Then our ability to wield our weapons and cast spells came back. Everyone started bashing each other then.”

The badger tossed Gretchen the coin.

“What’s this?” she asked, examining the jack.

“It’s yours,” he said. “I took two from your purse. I’m keeping the other one as payment for entertaining your bear.”

Her hand instinctively reached down to her pack. “What… How did you do that?”

I immediately arrowed the badger before he could pull another stunt. Even as I arrowed him, he’d made a quick move, like he was about to do something to disappear, some rogue trickery. But I got him just in time. I examined his stats.

Archibald. Texugo. Level 35 Sapper.

A sapper! Finally. And unlike Spritz, this guy was already at a higher level. “Archibald…” I said.

He held up a clawed hand.

“Archie, mate. Only my old lady calls me Archibald, and only when she’s mad at me. We gots 10 pups between us, so as you can imagine, she’s mad a lot.”

“We don’t have time for this. How much to hire you?” Gretchen asked.

 Archie raised an eyebrow. “No offense, miss, but I’m fairly certain the king over here just conscripted me. That means you already got me. For free, I might add.”

Gretchen looked at me. “We gotta go now. But we need him in the party, not just the war party. He’s the only sapper I see here, and I don’t want him slipping away.”

“How much?” I asked.

“Well, let’s see, mate,” Archie said, rubbing his chin. “I guess 1,000 jacks a day will do it.”

That was an outrageous amount for a rogue. We were paying Spritz five jacks a day.

“I’ll give you 500 jacks a day,” I said.

He held out his hand. “Archie at your service.” I shook it.

Pickpocket attempt foiled!

“And don’t do that again. Or I will have Bingo over there rip off your hands.”

NPC Archibald (Level 35, Sapper, Texugo) has joined the party.

“Message received loud and clear, mate,” Archie said, eyeing the gorcupine, who came loping back, a line of pissed-off looking men and women following him.

We rushed back toward the staging area where about 2,500 people now stood. It was a huge number of people. It reminded me of the crowds at the maglev stations in Los Angeles every morning on weekdays. On the chat, Raj was giving a running commentary for Popper. Most of the un-arrowed civilians had gotten away, or had been killed in the vicious fighting inside of the union halls, but we’d ended up with more fighters than I thought we’d get tonight. Plus we finally had a sapper.

“Come on everyone,” Gretchen roared, coming to the front of the pack. “We’re putting you in towers right away. We don’t have time. Let’s move.”

“Hey,” I said to Archie as we jogged toward the Arch of Conquest. “Why did you bump into me? I saw you try to run at the last moment. You weren’t arrowed. You could’ve gotten away.”

He looked surprised, then amused. “Remember my wife and kids? We’re a family of sappers. My wife is a level 65. Most of my kids are level ten, except little Rebecca. That girl has a natural talent. She’s a 37 already, higher than her old man. A prodigy, that one. Anyway, I was having them sneak out of the city while I distracted you.”

For fuck’s sake. A level 65 would’ve allowed us to absolutely fill the spiral with lethal traps. I shook my head.

“You’re not going into a tower,” I said. “You’re headed straight to the castle. You’re going to get a crash course in trap-making, and we’re going to try to come up with something to kill these bugs.”

His eyes flashed and he nodded thoughtfully. “The existing traps are locked in place, but if you got the supplies, we might be able to whip something up on the fly. The bugs will be easy, I think. The ones on foot at least. I never liked the emo-tong. The oni are tougher. That hide of theirs is mighty thick. And they also got that thing with them.”

“What thing?” I asked.

“The gashadokuro,” he said.

“What’s that?”

“Oh you can’t miss it, mate.”

War Party> Slam Trap in A2 triggered.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 4 casualties. 10,850 invaders remain.

Poppy: Fuck guys. Hurry your asses up. Did you see that shit? The traps aren’t working.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Fill up all the Muzzle towers before you do anything else. And the lightning and fire towers. Piercing won’t be good against emo-tong. Keep the triplets in that same tower though.

Poppy: We’re already maxed out as much as we can. Get those people in here.

Gretchen: We’re coming now.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Start assigning these NPCs to towers. I can’t do it from here. That way they’ll run straight there. No time to train. They’ll have to figure it out. Don’t assign any towers with only half-ogres.

As long as we had at least one moderately-smart person in each tower, they could show the others how to use it. Ideally we’d be able to train them on the tower, but that was no longer a luxury we had.

Poppy: Okay, but you’re getting your ass into this cockpit, and I’m grabbing Alice and going out there. We’re done risking you tonight. And don’t forget your damn curse. I don’t care how much of a badass you are. You’re not fucking indestructible, and I want you here.

I checked the time. It was just about 8 o’clock. I had two hours before the curse would cycle, so I was good there. It had been over 60 days since my curse had successfully cycled. I wondered if anything different would happen if I was caught out of the safe zone when it fired. Either way, I didn’t want to be in Castellane when it happened.

 Traps continued to fire as we reached the city, but the casualties were thin. They approached the first set of towers, but they were empty.

An explosion rocked the night, a small, red cloud rising into the darkness.

War Party> Level 1 Arrow Tower in A2 destroyed.

“Oh shit,” I said. “What was that?” We’d run through the defender’s door and were now rushing up the main thoroughfare. Many of the arrowed were slowing down to a crawl, bending over themselves, breathing heavily. We’d continue to cut through the city, but I paused, urging those near the back to keep going, to stay with the group. Archie stood with me. The grizzled badger didn’t seem the least bit winded.

At the main intersection we could see the host of emo-tong as they flowed down the distant path toward Castle One and the empty Sentinel Tower. The fire of the destroyed tower lit them up like a spotlight. The line of bugs marched in formation, in lines of 10 by 10. The orderly procession seemed to go on forever. I hadn’t realized until that moment what 10,000 soldiers looked like. The sight filled me with dread.

A formation of katydid mounts floated directly above the distant procession, about 25 feet off the ground. How high could they go? The blue walls that indicated the edge of the path dissipated about 20 feet in the air. The flying creatures clearly had to stick to the path, even though they were above the line. Was there an upper limit? There was clearly a lower one. I made a mental note to ask Gretchen about that if I got the chance.

Behind them, the massive ogres—called oni—walked casually, dragging their spiked clubs. These red-skinned devils did not walk in any sort of formation. They jostled against each other, some stopping to investigate the edge of the walls. I watched as one slammed his club against the blue barrier. He was blown back, falling against the others. Another oni smacked him in the head, and a short scuffle broke out.

Archie said they’d portaled into the sealed guild hall. Specifically, the rogue hall. That seemed almost on purpose. If they’d managed to kill the sappers, we wouldn’t be able to build any automatic traps or move any existing ones. It had taken us a full day to manually build the trap that had killed the tormented. It wasn’t the most efficient use of our time. The loss of a sapper would’ve been a big blow.

Behind the oni was a single, hulking creature, standing about 25 feet tall, walking slow and falling further and further behind. The gashadokuro.

A boss monster, I realized. Gretchen and Popper were always talking about fighting bosses in dungeons. Hadn’t the quest said there would be a boss for each of the last three waves? That’s right. If he touches the castle, we all die.

The monster was a skeleton. A giant skeleton. That was it. No weapons. Other than its size, I was actually a little underwhelmed by it. At first.

My initial impression was that beast was the skeleton of a giant humanoid. Upon closer examination, it appeared to actually be a skeleton made out of thousands of normal-sized bones, all put together to form one massive one. But that’s not what troubled me.

The skeleton emanated a yellow glow.

Invulnerability. We wouldn’t be able to touch the thing. The yellow glow meant both physical and magical attacks wouldn’t hurt it.

What the hell?

“When we were holed up with the clerics, one of the them was telling me about that thing,” Archie was saying. “It sort of fell apart on its own to get into the tighter spots, though the pieces were all still together, like a damn, neverending snake made out of bone. The monster was throwing itself against the barrier we set up. For three days straight, it was trying to get us. We were lucky that the passageways between the unions were so small, otherwise we’d all been dead. As it stands, most my fellow rogues…” The badger made some sort of sign in the air. I took it as a religious gesture, similar to making the sign of the cross, Catholic style. “This cleric said the gashadokuro are in fact multiple spirits formed together by rage. People who’ve starved to death.”

“Did this cleric tell you how to kill it?”

Archie shook his head. “I’d say you can ask him yourself, but the beastie ripped the cleric in two when the barrier broke. That giant monster towers in the sky, but it managed to fit itself through a hole as wide as my head, it did.”

Another explosion rocked the night.

War Party> Level 2 Arrow Tower in A2 destroyed. Occupants lost.

“Damnit,” I said. How were we losing towers?

That had been the first manned tower, the one we’d used to test whether or not the moles would dig. I remembered the NPC we’d assigned to the tower, a texugo named Lucky.

“It’s that funny bugger thems blowing up your buildings,” Archie said, pointing. I saw a single emo-tong riding upon a larger mount. He was lit only by the fire of the two towers. He carried a heavy satchel in his hand. Even from this distance, I recognized it. The bag was the same thing Popper had purchased from the emo-tong just a few weeks back. We’d given it to Raj, and he’d obliterated an entire street using one.

This was the leader of the emo-tong. He ignored two larger towers and tossed the satchel at a smaller one, another arrow tower, destroying it. This one had also been unoccupied. He circled to the ground, restocking his satchels from a large cart in the middle of the emo-tong horde.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: The leader guy is tossing satchel bombs at the smaller towers, blowing them up one after another. We need to take him out first. I have an idea. For now let’s move everyone to the larger towers. This is going to take a bit, so we gotta delay them as much as we can. Bingo, on me. Popper. Order the triplets out of that tower right now. I’ll tell them where to go.

Poppy: Two hours, Jonah. You gotta be back here in two hours. By that time, they’ll be deep in the spiral, so you better know what you’re doing.

Jonah Note 13

So there’s a part of this story I haven’t related yet. I’m going to jump back in time a couple days and tell it now.

The afternoon after I had killed Prince Kankan, I set out into the main part of Castellane. Popper was busy exploring his new castle, and Gretchen was on her way to the Menagerie to free the white jackets living there. I’d brought several arrowed warriors with me, but I’d dismissed them at a line of towers near the back curve of the spiral. This particular place was notable because it comprised a long line of towers in a row, no two of the same type. I wanted these NPCs to get experienced with the multiple types of towers, and I ordered them to try each one in turn. Arrow, rock chucker, lightning, fire, freeze, mortar, Muzzle, and poison. Afterward, I’d promote each of them and put them in charge of crews of their own.

I had two missions. The first was to sniff out Chief Musa. The second was to find the remaining hobgoblins and convince them to fight for us. I wanted to do this alone, but I did bring Tiatha the auric with me. In addition to being a healer, she was also a druid, and I noticed she could cast a few spells that would be useful here. We each rode horses from the stables, mine being a shy palomino named Doro. I missed my Jenny, even though these horses were much faster. And obedient.

The healer was an odd traveling companion. She always seemed on the verge of saying something, but she never quite got the words out. Popper had wondered earlier if she didn’t have a backstory or if something else was wrong with the NPC. I didn’t think that was the case with her. I sensed a kind of odd sadness there. She never talked, and she gave curt, one-worded answers to my questions. If I asked her about her history, she didn’t respond at all. Still, I sensed a confusing depth there, just wanting to bubble to the surface.

My first stop had been the blue church. The Night Temple of Kalika. The large, ornate building—this world’s analog for the church of Notre-Dame—stood across the large gardens in front of Fort Bloodgasm. We’d entered the building to find a single occupant, an elderly hobgoblin shaman who slept on a mat behind the altar.

At first I thought the hobgoblin was actually a plain-old goblin. Hobgoblins were much larger than goblins. Shaggier, too. But elderly hobgoblins seemed to shrink to almost half their original size, and this one had lost his hair as well. They still had the wide facial flanges that separated them from the more chimpanzee-like goblins, but at least for this cleric, the flanges had sagged and became jowly. As a result, the withered cleric gave the appearance of a large, oversized goblin.

Tiatha and I stood in the entrance to the colossal church, staring in awe at the tall ceilings and stained glass windows. Gretchen had said only a few random groups of adventurers had ever been allowed in the church, but she couldn’t remember what the prize involved had been. The place smelled of mold and rotting foliage though no plants grew within unlike the castle, which smelled the same way.

I’d seen photographs of the real Notre-Dame de Paris, from before the terrorist attack that had leveled it, and this was one of the few game locations that paled in comparison to the real deal. This looked and felt like a real, gothic-style cathedral. But it was missing something intangible, a sense of life and history. The game designers usually got this right here in Dominion of Blades, but for this particular location, they’d missed the mark.

That wasn’t to say this place wasn’t impressive. Each of the dozens of stained-glass windows told a story, of the time before when Castellane had been the city of the wark-ee. This church, the Night Temple of Kalika, had obviously been designed to be shown as a usurper to whatever the original church had been.

The black altar was a pile of bleached, white bones, rising to a large, yellow candle that hissed and spit, giving off light that reflected oddly in the room. This altar had obviously been shoehorned in, replacing whatever had been in its place.

Sleeping on a small, dirty mat at the foot of the pile of scrolls was the diminutive hobgoblin shaman. He only had a single tuft of gray, wispy hair on his green head. His elf-like ears had once been gauged, but the lobes hung loosely, like twin strands of wet cord. The creature sat up slowly after I kicked him awake, looking between us. The entire left side of his body was covered with a tribal tattoo I saw now, starting at his head and stretching down his entire body. He wore tattered rags. His left eye was gone, replaced with a red gem that sparkled in the candlelight.

His dot on the minimap was white, thankfully. He looked like a harmless old man, but if I’d learned anything in the short time I’d been here, looks could be deceiving.

“You cannot worship here,” the shaman said, coming to his feet. “We are only for the deceived.”

“The deceived?” I asked.

He nodded. “Goblins, hobgoblins, trolls, ogres, and their like. Those with the blood of the night gods.” He looked between me and Tiatha. “Humans and aurics do not belong here.”

“I’m just looking for information,” I said. “I don’t wish to harm you or your church.”

“Is this why you’re starving out our people? Is this why you drove us from our home, cornered us here? You wish us no harm. That is what your predecessor said, King Jonah. Yes, I know who you are.”

“I promised Prince Kankan I would help feed those who remain. I also promised him that your people would be allowed to return to the Kampong, should you wish.” I paused, searching for the right words. “I have no desire to keep the world unified against its will.”

“It is a little late for that,” the shaman said. He picked up a small stick with a black feather tied to the end and shook it. It rattled.

“You are not of this world,” the shaman continued. “I can sense it. There were others like you, clerics of Tharon. They came, but they chose not to take this church.”

“Wait, what?” I said, suddenly interested. “When was this?”

“Before, but not too long before. They were only interested in churches that serve humans. The dark wizard… he told me the truth about you. He said you’d only be humans, and since humans can’t worship here, he chose not to kill the church and convert it. He asked me to look out for those like you, other humans. He told me everything you say will be a lie, but not a lie with malice. You are playing a role, like actors, on a stage. You are gods in your own right, wearing bodies that aren’t your own, visiting a world that isn’t your own. But your world has died, and you are trapped here.”

The shaman laughed, but there was no mirth in it. “I can see it in you, that glow, just like that dark wizard of Tharon. I told him what I tell you now.”

“What’s that?” I asked, my mind reeling.

“I have known this for some time, that this world we live in is a construct. I watched, for so long I have watched. We huddle in this wretched city, away from our true home, pretending to fight back your soldiers day after day. But I remember. I saw. You would defeat us, you would make it to the castle. Sometimes it happened multiple times a week. But then you would go away, and it would be as if it never happened. Prince Kankan, Prince Maghan, both would fall in battle. Even Chief Musa. But they would return, and it would be as if it never happened. Only I saw this. That is when I realized we are not in a real world. It is a rare thing, when time moves forward in this place. It moves now, with you here. It is you, you who is spinning the cogs that makes this world work.”

I didn’t know what to say. Beside me, Tiatha had grown still. I suspected she wasn’t really hearing what this shaman was saying.

“You have the power to truly make us die. I fear that power. But you are few, and we are many.”

This was just like when Yi had started talking about the true nature of this game. And once again, it was because of the influence of Smallthunder. But this shaman said something I’d never considered before. Popper, Gretchen, Daniels, and Smallthunder. Our characters in the game were all human. Was that on purpose? Were all the people from The Hibiscus who were trapped human? When I’d visited Africa, I hadn’t waited around long enough to see if Isabella and crew were human. If that was the case, then it narrowed it down quite a bit. I’d guess humans comprised about 30% of all the NPCs out there.

“Did this wizard give you his name?” I asked. “Was it Smallthunder?”

He shook his head. “No. Rector Smallthunder is their leader, but he was not with them. There were six. The one who spoke. His name was Wallis.”

Wallis. I hadn’t heard that name before. I mentally stored it away.

I had to deny it. Right? Gretchen had said multiple times that we’d be fucked if the NPCs became fully self-aware. This guy was further along than anyone I’d met yet, including Yi.

“Look,” I said. “I really don’t know what you’re talking about. I meant it when I said I wish to feed your people. But I also need to find Chief Musa. Kankan seemed to think he’d be in a temple like this.”

The shaman sighed then shook his head. “Musa will not be in a temple of Kalika. He fled here, yes, near the end. I told him what I told you. His reaction was unexpected. He did not believe me, believing my words were a trick. As a result, he renounced Kalika. I do not know where he has gone. But if you do find him, end his pitiful life. It is time for his son to become war chief.”

If I killed Chief Musa, I would become war chief of the hobgoblins, not his son. At least that’s what I thought was supposed to happen.

“Where are the rest of your people?” I asked.

The shaman seemed surprised. “They are where they always have been. They are not hiding, not from you. If you wish to find hobgoblins.” He pointed up. “Then you must climb.”

“Come on,” I said to Tiatha, turning to leave.

“King Jonah,” the shaman called. I paused.

“If you truly meant what you said. About us returning to the Kampong, then there is someone else you should speak with...”

An hour later, I checked up on my arrowed soldiers and their towers. I was especially impressed with both the lightning and rock chucker towers. I made a few adjustments to their crews, and then Tiatha and I set out into the city to find some hobgoblin dwellings.

Tiatha remained silent the entire time. I kept a close eye on the minimap. Despite the insistence of the others that the city was mostly abandoned, my keen hunter eyes caught life all around us. Most of the creatures were the pink dots of non-hostile animals, but red swarms appeared now and them. Pong flies. Popper had called them mini, flying piranhas.

“Here,” I said, stopping over a brown, dead patch of land at the base of a decrepit building. “Cast your spell.”

Tiatha raised her hand, mouthing a few words. A moment later, the square of land glowed, and the brown plants turned green.

“What about the bugs?” I said. “Can we keep it safe from them?”

She nodded, casting a second spell, called Safe Harvest. The entire patch of land glowed yellow.

“This will last a month,” Tiatha said, “and then the protection will fade.” The impassive druid seemed to almost smile.

I nodded, looking up at the top of the tall building next to this garden. I could feel them watching us. Their dots continued to be red on the minimap. I didn’t dare approach them yet. We needed to survive another wave, one where we weren’t fighting their fellow hobgoblins. If we restored enough of their gardens, I hoped to return in a few days to find that their hostility to me had faded.

I also planned on building a trench here, filling it with clean water. I’d have Gretchen plant a spring, and I would seed the pond with some fish. Eventually, I wanted to hunt down the charm stone that was poisoning the Cassagnac, but that would have to come later.

“Let’s keep moving. We’re going to restore all the gardens we can find. I’ll go with you today, but I’ll be busy tomorrow. Hopefully we can get some other druids to help you, but I’ll make sure you’re escorted. I want you to restore the gardens, as many as you can. Beware the roving swarms, but as long as you keep one eye open, you’ll be safe.”

We wandered and restored, one garden after another. Most of them sprouted right away, growing a heavy, gourd-like fruit. I knew meat would be better, but there was nothing I could do about that now.

Later, as we reached the gates of Fort Bloodgasm, Tiatha turned to me and said, “I believed what he said.”

“What?” I asked. “What who said?”

“The shaman. I believed him.”

Jonah Note 14

I thought of Tiatha’s cryptic pronouncement now, as Bingo and I approached the gates of the first castle. He’d left Winston in charge of the other gorcupines. The host of emo-tong had already passed this area, and they were winding their way toward the second castle. They’d ignored this castle and the massive Sentinel Tower, but all of the arrow and fire towers between here and there had been destroyed by that single, bomb-dropping emo-tong.

I’d been so busy, I hadn’t allowed myself to think of what Tiatha had said. Popper had once joked that we were contagious, that NPCs in our presence had a tendency to break out of their NPC prison and to start thinking for themselves. I was beginning to think he was more correct than he realized.

“The oracle is the wisest of us all,” the shaman had said, as we left the church of Kalika. “She speaks often of returning to the Kampong. But she will not believe you have the best of intentions. She does not trust easily. Approach her if you will, but be wary of how she might react.”

My plan was to first win over the hobgoblin civilians and to then approach the oracle. If we had to kill her—and I feared we would—getting the rest of the hobgoblins on our side would be that more difficult. But if we first gained the trust of the others, then maybe she would be more welcoming. We no longer had that luxury. I needed to install the triplets in that tower, and I needed to do it now.

Trap notifications were coming hard and fast, including the triggering of a beast trap that had unleashed a few dozen fire peluda monsters in the midst of the emo-tong. So far, the barbed lizards had been the only effective defense. They’d killed almost 200 emo-tong before they’d all been cut down. Unfortunately, we only had enough of the beasts to fill four more beast traps.

The three young archers and their bard companion came jogging up as I reached the entrance to Castle 1.

“We took down one of those red posers,” Starr said. Or was it Crystal? I got the first two mixed up, despite their different, 80’s hairstyles. Kitty Chapman, the one who always wore black and had the short hair, was the only one who I would never mix up.

“We had to jump onto the path to fire, though,” Crystal added. I remembered, then. Starr had the side ponytail, and Crystal was the one with the big hair. “That shit is dangerous. It took like 8 arrows to take just one out.”

“That skeleton is going to be a problem,” Kitty Chapman added.

“Okay,” I said. “I’m going in there alone. Give me five minutes. If I can’t talk her into letting us up there, we’re going to have to kill her. We don’t have time for finesse. I’m hoping she’s amenable.”

Bingo grunted.

This castle was much smaller than the others, and it was dwarfed by the enormously-tall tower, which topped 300 meters. The Sentinel Tower rose like a fang into the night sky, with a red light at the very top, like it was a radio tower back in the real world.

A simple moat led to a pair of open doors, which led to a long, torch-lit hallway. The sputtering torches danced, casting long shadows.

Entering Castle 1

Warning: this castle is occupied by an opposing faction.

I jogged through this first hall, past multiple tapestries depicting the plight of the hobgoblins, from their expulsion from the jungles during the unification, to their flight across the world, to them finally being surrounded here in the peaceful city of Castellane. Tapestries depicted them slaughtering the bird-like wark-ee. Several different avian creatures were shown in the tapestries, not just the wark-ee. Cranes, mostly, but also seagulls like Larus were shown to be killed.

One of the last tapestries showed War Chief Musa decapitating his father, War Chief Ichichi, in his bid to gain control of the city and the remaining hobgoblins.

“Oracle,” I cried, rushing into this final room, the throne room. I wanted to create a sense of urgency. “Oracle, please. We need your help.”

I stopped at the sight of the creature wallowing there on the couch.

My breath caught in my throat, and I suddenly, unexpectedly felt like I couldn’t breathe. The déjà vu, seeing the hobgoblin woman prone on the couch. Not of the troll queen, who had been in the same position, but of my own mother. My mother had a long, leather sectional couch in the living room of her home in Phoenix. She spent her days there, watching television, mostly. Though she also spent hours with the neural cradle plugged in, so she could experience one of her soap VRs. Porn for women, my dad had called it. Watching her gyrate and moan, with that damn thing on her head. The thought made me ill.

The way the oracle was positioned on her massive, red couch, and the look of absolute disdain on her fat, hobgoblin face, it hit me like a goddamned bus. It was like the game designers had mined my own memories of my mother, and they placed her here in the game. I could even hear her voice.

“Do you know how hard it is to raise a kid like you?” she liked to say. “Let me tell you, it’s no picnic.”

I took a few short breaths. This isn’t mom. Mom is long dead. She has been dead for thousands of years.

“Oracle,” I repeated. “The city is under attack by the emo-tong. I request your assistance.”

The woman stared at me for several moments. She was old and withered, like the shaman had been, but that was where the comparison ended. This woman was easily one and a half times the girth of Prince Kankan. The female hobgoblins didn’t have the large facial flanges of the males, but it was hard to notice with her drooping, hairy face. She wore the equivalent of a hobgoblin moomoo: a wide, formless dress that cascaded off the red couch.

The couch was made of stretched skin. Bits of hair here and there still clung to it. I did not know what manner of creature donated the skin.

A hookah-like device as tall as a man sat on a small table. It bubbled happily, puffs of round smoke rising into the air. The oracle clutched onto a small hose with a well-worn mouthlip.

Leaning up against the table was a gleaming, curved blade.

It was the oracle’s eyes that gave me pause. Red, piercing, mocking. But intelligent, too. Popper had said she would tell visitors the story of the hobgoblins. She would only fight if attacked.

Behind her was a single doorway. Behind that door, I knew, was the only way up the tower. The door was magically locked, and she held the key.

On the minimap, her dot was white. I noticed, then, several other white dots in the room. I looked around, seeing the goblins for the first time. They cowered behind the chairs and wide curtains that surrounded the room, watching me with their reflective eyes. These were actual goblins, not elderly hobgoblins like the shaman had been.

Goblins weren’t the best fighters, but they were all around me. I rested my hand on the hilt of Triple Fang.

“Do you know how long I have been here, on this couch?” the oracle asked. When she spoke, the illusion that she was my mother shattered. She didn’t sound as she appeared. This woman spoke with a quiet, determined dignity.

“I do not know,” I said. “But I imagine it’s been a long time.”

She nodded. “I take it you killed my great nephew, Prince Kankan?”

I didn’t hesitate. “I did, but not before I spoke with him. I promised to feed your remaining people and to restore them to the Kampong.”

She took a long drag from her pipe. “How can we trust someone who kills our kind?”

“You’ve been killing your own kind for a very long time. Your war chief and his son have been stealing food from the weak.” I reached into my bag and pulled out the second half of the clay pot Prince Kankan had made. I’d wiped the blood off it. I hesitantly stepped forward and placed it on the small table next to her giant hookah.

She picked it up, looking at it sadly.

“He showed this to me when he passed through, just a few days ago. It had been in one piece then. He’d been in such a hurry, as you are now. I told him that he was a fool.”

“Kankan believed that a different path was required for your people to survive. He was right, but he was also too late.”

She sighed. “We are hobgoblin. We are not simpering auric, or quibbling humans, or fragile wark-ee. We fight or we die. You’ll have to kill him. It’s the only way. If you truly wish for the hobgoblins to survive, and you wish for us to return to our homeland, you must kill him.”

“Tell me where Chief Musa is, and I will.”

She shook her head. “You’ll have to kill him, too, if he isn’t already dead. But that’s not of whom I speak. Prince Maghan. Kill him, and you will control the hobgoblins. I have heard of your efforts to feed my people. They will take your food, but they will never follow you. Not unless you kill the Prince. They respect power, and they only respect those who seize it.”

I heard the sound of the others coming up behind me.

“You have a key,” I said. “I need it. I need it now. Please give it to me.”

The woman pulled herself to a sitting position, groaning with the effort. With a grunt, she stood. Her knees creaked and crackled as she pulled herself to her full height, almost eight feet tall.

“Are you truly that daft? Did you not hear what I just told you? You are hoping to win the trust of my people by providing gifts. We are not human, or of the light. We are of the deceived. If you are to rule my people, here’s a lesson for you, human. We do not, ever, say please.” She picked up her blade.

The moment she touched her sword, two arrows pierced her in each of her eyes. A moment later, a third exploded through her mouth as she bellowed in pain. Miraculously, she still wasn’t dead, and she blindly swung, staggering forward.

I pulled Triple Fang free, whipping it across her, cutting her legs out from underneath her. She crashed heavily to the ground, falling like a great tree, shaking the room and upending her glass pipe. All around, goblins squealed in terror.

You have gained a level!

You have received a training token.

You are now level 36.

Bingo roared, smashing his way through the room, cutting down the goblins before they could decide whether to fight or surrender. It was over in seconds.

War Party: Castle 1 has been liberated.

I stepped forward and grabbed the small pouch attached to the side of her flowing dress. I selected and grabbed the key, then tossed it to the three archers. Kitty Chapman snatched it deftly out of the air.

 “Go,” I said.

Popper Note 18

Jonah came rushing into the castle with only a few minutes to spare before his curse cycled. I breathed a sigh of relief. That would’ve been the goddamned icing on the shit cake tonight was turning out to be.

“I’m going to wait for the curse to trigger, and then I’m going back out there,” he said, breathless as he entered the room.

“Oy, mate. I thought you’d never show up,” Archie the sapper said to Jonah. The texugo and Spritz had spent the last half hour studying the map and discussing different plans of attack. Archie was quizzing the rock singer, asking her if she could build this or that. The sapper had some awesome ideas for traps, unlike Spritz who barely talked at all. The texugo was asking about our access to giant sawblades and boulders and acid. I took that as a good sign.

Spritz had been watching the map with horror, crying out as if she’d been physically hurt every time one of the towers was destroyed. We’d been lucky so far and had only lost a few soldiers who hadn’t gotten out fast enough. If we survived this night, Spritz would have a lot of work to do in the morning.

The host of emo-tong were currently on the far north side of the map, near Castle Three and Castle Four, but they were looping around. Soon, they would finally be in range of the Sentinel Tower. The triplets had made a few practice shots already, complaining loudly over the chat that only one of them could actually fire the thing at a time, and that the ponderous weapon was too slow, a good 15 seconds between shots.

Back in the old days, it had taken a full minute for the tower to reload. The javelin-like arrows were deadly—I’d seen four half-ogres turned to pulp with a single shot before—but they weren’t always accurate, especially further away. From what it sounded like, the triplets were able to bullseye anything within range.

Gretchen had finished installing the troops in almost all the towers in the second half of the spiral. Already, the rock chuckers were raining artillery down on the creeps.

Even the last two barracks were now occupied, including the Butcher’s Delight. We still weren’t sure what sort of tower it was. Neither Gretchen nor I remembered it from our day. We only knew that it had some sort of transmutation effect, which wouldn’t work on emo-tong. The map didn’t give any additional clues.

“I need you here,” I said to Jonah. “You’re better at this shit than I am, and someone has to remain in the cockpit. Gretchen and I are going out there with the white jackets, and we’re hitting them as they leave the Catacombs. It’ll be our best chance to get the flying bastards. They’ll have to land to get through there.”

Jonah hesitated, then nodded. “Be careful. Some of them have guns.”

“I know,” I said grimly. “Don’t remind me. We’re going to try to take as many as the fuckers out as we can. It might come down to a fight on the last bridge. We won’t win no matter what if we can’t take out the skeleton. You three,” I said, pointing to Jonah, Spritz, and Archie, “Need to figure out how to kill something that’s indestructible. We got maybe three hours to whip up something.”

The gashadokuro walked much slower than the rest of the emo-tong army, and it had fallen far behind. No matter what we threw at it, it wasn’t fazed. Rocks crashed against the ribcage like nothing. It ignored fire and arrows. Freeze blast did nothing. The thing was like Jason from the Friday the 13th movies. It just kept coming. I hoped those three would come up with something.

I still hadn’t been able to find suitable armor that fit, so I was stuck with just my helmet and Kneecapper. I met Gretchen at the stables, and we both mounted up. Alice hopped up and down with excitement at the prospect of going into battle. Bruce Bruce, who’d already seen action tonight, was much more subdued.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Starr, Crystal, whoever, fire when ready. Like we discussed.

Kitty Chapman: I am on the trigger. Starr is the spotter. Crystal is loading.

Crystal: This sucks donkey balls. Ace doesn’t even fit up here, and I can’t see shit.

Starr: Target is getting ready to blow up another tower.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Let him. Wait until he’s down to reload.

War Party> Level 1 Fire Tower in E3 destroyed.

A new fire joined the others lighting up the night sky. By my count that was 17 towers down. The stench of acrid smoke filled the air. Bruce Bruce coughed.

Starr: He’s circling down. Adjusting the tracking for distance.

Kitty Chapman: Firing now.

Gretchen and I watched the fiery javelin lance through the night sky, trailing sparks like a comet.

“It’s so pretty,” Alice said.

Whoosh! An explosion rocked the night, and a mushroom cloud rose high into the air, much bigger than any of the previous explosions. Silhouettes rocketed up in the darkness, dozens of emo-tong blasting away, their bodies sparking like moths hitting the bug zapper when they hit the wall of the spiral. The javelin had impacted with the supply cart for the explosives.

 “Does it usually sparkle like that?” I asked. I had thought it was always just a straight projectile.

“No,” Gretchen said, her voice in awe. “Those three have a combined longbow skill of 90. That’s gotta be what it is.”

War Party> Leader Jinzhou Un of the 101st Hive Bombardiers has fallen. Creeps now inflict 10% less damage. 8,543 invaders remain.

 “That’s it?” I said, frustrated. “That big-ass explosion, and there are still 8,500 of the fuckers?”

Poppy: Everyone back in the arrow towers. Focus on the flying assholes first.

Jonah ordered the triplets to also focus on taking out the flyers, and they went to work, a lance flying through the sky every 15 seconds, one after another with deadly precision. Alice oohed and aahed at the display.

If only we’d better prepared for flying monsters. It wasn’t looking good. We were killing them, but it was like trying to empty a bucket with nothing but a teaspoon. We needed something like what Jonah had pulled with the last wave. Something that gets them all at once.

Another wave of guilt washed over me for calling the wave early. Both Gretchen and Jonah were mad at me, but what else could I have done? Let Jonah die?

What’s done is done. I always heard that phrase in Juliette’s voice.

“Here’s the plan,” I said as the four of us rode out. “Ever hear about the Battle of Thermopylae?”

Gretchen looked at me as if I had just asked her if I could stick a buttered turnip up her ass.

“Uh, that’s the battle with the Greeks versus the Persians. They held the entire army of the Persians for three days. I know about it because I studied it in college. I think they made a movie about it. How… That doesn’t seem like something you’d know about.”

“I’m a man of mystery,” I said. The truth was I’d been obsessed with the story because of an awesome VR game I’d played as a kid called The Hot Gates, but I wasn’t going to shatter Gretchen’s illusion.

“Anyway, that’s the plan here.”

We’d meet Bingo and his gorcupine crew along with Commander Holder and all the white jackets along with many of the mercenaries near the exit to the Catacombs. Two towers stood there, a Muzzle tower and a level three plasma tower. That area was also in range of the Sentinel Tower and two rock chuckers, though I’d ordered the chuckers to hold back while we were there. I didn’t trust those assholes just yet.

The exit to the Catacombs was a perfect choke point, a cavern wide enough only for about six or seven across to get out at a time, and they had to go uphill. I’d ordered Nale and a couple other mages into the Muzzle tower, making it super powerful. With about 75 of us holding the line, hopefully we could do some serious damage. There was no way we’d be able to hold them all back, but we’d do our damn best.

Jonah was asking something about the trap he’d made earlier for wave two, wondering if it had been cleaned up yet, but I wasn’t paying attention. Gretchen had told him whatever he was planning wouldn’t work with emo-tong, but to save the idea for the next wave.

There’s not going to be a next wave, I thought. A slow, creeping panic was starting to build. We’d been lucky so far. That luck was about to run out.

I had the ability to un-arrow Jonah and Gretchen, and I’d been practicing pulling up the screen as quickly as possible. If the emo-tong made it to the castle, we’d “lose” the wave, but they wouldn’t go away. We’d still have to fight them off. We could close the castle gates and pick them off one by one until they were all dead. But if that skeleton—the level boss—made it to the castle, we’d automatically die according to the quest. I couldn’t let that happen.

I had no way of un-arrowing myself. Dying wouldn’t be so bad. I’d come back quickly. It’s what might happen after I regenerated that worried me. We’d discussed resetting our regen outside the city gates, but we hadn’t thought it was necessary for the second wave. It was too late now.

“We’re finally going into battle together,” Alice said to Bruce Bruce.

“Yes, uh, I will be brave,” Bruce Bruce said, rather unenthusiastically.

“I’m going to poke so many holes in those bugs, they’re going to turn their corpses into a mini golf park!”

Gretchen looked at me. “You taught her that one didn’t you?”

“We’ve been working on fighting together,” I said. “The first thing you gotta know is proper trash talk.”

“Do you think we’ll be able to do one of our special moves?” Alice asked.

We’d been practicing “tricks” as Gretchen called them. Different techniques for fighting while mounted. My Mounted Warfare skill had already grown to seven and my Tumbling skill was now a six. My helmet had a Feather Fall enchantment, which was extra useful because I fell. I fell a lot.

The emo-tong army was just north of the Cassagnac, taking heavy damage. A long line of towers stood there, one each of the most common kinds. Jonah gave a running commentary over the chat. The towers at this spot were all manned by soldiers Jonah had hand-picked and trained. There was a barracks nearby, but we’d decided to bring them here. The Butcher’s Delight barracks was still fully-manned, but that one was behind us on the path.

The Freeze spells bunched them up while the chuckers shot longwise down the straight street, wreaking havoc on their formations. Emo-tong mages were becoming effective at shooting the rocks out of the sky, but a well-placed Muzzle blast robbed them of that defense.

Emo-tong died by the hundreds under the fuselage.

I recognized this exact spot in the spiral. When I’d been there last, there were no towers for this long stretch. That happened a lot with the spiral. Things moved around. That dwarf had stepped on an exploding cage trap, and I’d thought I was going sinkhole. But I wasn’t. The cops had peeled the neural cradle off, and they’d ripped the apartment to shreds, looking for the chips and the ledger. They’d found them where I had hidden them, in the chest underneath my toolbox.

Ricky had told them I had the stash. Fucking Ricky. Everything had been his idea, and he’d rolled on me. He never even got charged.

I could still hear Molly screaming, Juliette sobbing. The cops wouldn’t let Juliette get Molly’s medicine, and the noise of the police had driven my little girl into a seizure. They’d called an ambulance. I’d been in handcuffs by then, and I couldn’t go with her to the hospital.

I’d screamed and I’d screamed. I shook my head at the unexpected memory.

The katydid riders went to work, ripping defenders out of the battlements, and in some cases, wrecking the mechanisms for the towers. Most of the riders were killed in the process, and Jonah had smartly ordered at least one archer in each tower. But trading one for one was not a battle we were going to win.

I know Jonah wanted desperately to move several of these tower placements.

As the main body reached the bridge, I checked the numbers. 7,288 remained. Most of the fliers were down, thankfully. But the numbers just weren’t there.

I felt myself growling with frustration as they reached a new line of towers, mostly arrows and fire. The arrow towers weren’t nearly as effective as the fire, and to make matters worse, the fire, it turned out, did not harm the oni at all. Forty of the giant, red ogres remained, but with the depletion of the fliers, the triplets in the Sentinel Tower moved their deadly gaze onto them. They were making a sport of killing two with a single shot, no easy task. By the time they reached the edge of the Catacombs, only ten of the oni remained. All the fliers were down.

The gashadokuro had fallen far behind. He was still on the other side of the Cassagnac.

War Party> Invaders are entering the Catacombs. Stats will be offline until the creeps reappear or are all killed.

“Do you remember the Catacombs?” I asked Gretchen as we nervously waited. It could take anywhere from 10 minutes to a couple hours for them to get through. The hobgoblins from the first wave had done it in about an hour. “I never made it that far.”

She nodded. “After the entrance with the safe area, it’s mostly just a maze filled with skellies. The walls move around, and it’s easy to get separated. But when you go in with a really big group, it’s not hard to power your way through. The walls are made out of bones, and they grab you. It’s pitch black in there. There are these flying skull things, too, that shoot fireballs, like from that Doom maze they have in Sin.”

I shuddered. I hated those things. I hated going in caves.

As we waited, Alice and I walked forward to examine the mouth of the cavern. A pair of spring traps stood right at the exit. I could see their blinking outline, but the emo-tong wouldn’t. I didn’t know if I could trigger them or not, but I kept back just in case.

I noticed a small, glowing charm stone by the exit, covered in runes. Also etched on the stone was the symbol of the blue church of Kalika.

I moved back and pointed it out to Gretchen.

She shrugged. “It’s probably to keep the skeletons in the Catacombs. There’s stuff like that all over the city and the traps I’ve noticed.”

“Does that mean those things can’t get out if Jonah’s curse triggers?”

“Huh,” Gretchen said. “Maybe? I don’t know. It probably doesn’t matter though. He says his Detect Undead charm sees them underneath the entire city. So the other ones would probably find a way out. I guess the real version of Paris had a big system of crypts under it.”

Poppy: Hey Jonah. How’s it going?

His Royal Majesty Jonah: We’re working on something, but I’m not so sure it’s going to work. We’re going to go out there and test it in a bit.

Poppy: I got an idea, but you gotta hurry your ass.

It took almost an hour and a half for the first emo-tong to emerge from the Catacombs. The gashadokuro had finally crossed the river and was winding its way toward the catacomb entrance. The Sentinel Tower launched bolt after bolt at it, to no effect other than momentarily staggering it. The triplets hit it in every possible spot, but it just kept coming.

“How the hell is that thing going to fit in the Catacombs?” I asked. It was taller than the entrance to the underground caverns.

Gretchen grimaced. “Over in Quibou, they said it fell down and turned itself into a skeletal snake.”

“Oh that’s nice.”

The click-clack, click-clack of the marching emo-tong rose from the dark exit to the Catacombs. They emerged, one by one, holding their spears and swords, a few on the edges with glowing hands. Their emotionless, bug faces were the vision of a nightmare. Their formation was not nearly as tight as it had been before, but there were so, so many.

I waited for the notification.

War Party> Invaders are emerging from the Catacombs.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 1,244 casualties so far. Obstacle is still active and additional casualties may occur. 5,950 invaders remain.

Damnit. I’d never faced such uneven odds in a group battle before.

“Ok, folks,” I called out. “Hold the line! Listen to Colonel Holder. He knows what he’s doing. Where are my healers? Where’s Tiatha?” I had called the druid down from her tower to join the handful of other healers we now had.

“I am here,” she called.

“Your job is to keep me, Gretchen, Alice, and Bruce Bruce safe. All you others focus on the tanks.”

“Ready, Colonel Holder?” I called over to the older white jacket. He saluted with his sword. He would take over commands once the fighting started. Among his multiple war party skills, he had a level 20 Battle Formation skill. The skill gave everyone here a 5% health bonus, but more importantly, it imbued the damage-enhancing effect of Bleed on all enemy soldiers who were hit by more than one fighter.

As Gretchen and I took up positions in the middle of the line, the first few bugs clambered out, some of them using their short-range flying skill to buzz up into the air. Those who charged on the ground, triggered the spring trap, and they went flying. A moment later, the next group activated the second trap. The ones in the air were immediately skewered by the archers.

The remaining bulk of the emo-tong lurched forward as one, more cautiously now, coming forward like a slow-moving wave of death. This group kept mostly to the ground, their gleaming weapons at the ready.

I pulled a barkskin potion and downed it. My skin tightened as the protection took hold. The potion had a five-minute countdown. Gretchen cast two magic protection shells, one around her and Bruce Bruce and one around me and Alice. This also had a five-minute countdown, but the blue shield would shatter after too many hits.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: the big skeleton thing is entering the Catacombs. I’m ordering the triplets to assist with your fight.

Poppy: Don’t worry about us. Do your thing.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Yeah, we’re not in the cockpit. We’re near the entrance of the Catacombs. I wanted to see what it did when it entered the cavern.

The emo-tong made odd, quick hissing noises, their weapons and mantis-like forearms swinging. Each hiss sounded like air brakes on a bus, quick and sharp. They quickened their movement, coming to a full jog. We roared in return.

I twirled my axe and said, “Alice, let’s squash some bugs.”

She roared and charged.

There’s nothing quite like galloping at an enemy on the back of a full ton of screaming, pissed-off hippocorn. Alice lowered her head, charging at the bugs, cleaving through them like a snowplow. I swung left and right, my axe connecting with chitinous armor. The crunching, cracking sound of the bugs being slaughtered filled the night.

Half-ogre, human, texugo, and dwarf fighters smashed into the crowd. Bingo and his four gorcupines roared and leaped in the air, sailing well over my head, and landing hard in the midst of the startled bugs. The five of them together completely blocked the exit, which effectively cut off the bugs already on the outside. The gorillas went to work, methodical, brutal, and fucking glorious.

The warriors rushed into the midst of the bewildered and cut-off bugs, taking full advantage of the chaos. The bugs were weak and slow, terrible melee fighters. The emo-tong mages on the edges finally rallied, and blue and red bolts started streaking back and forth between the parties, like we were exchanging bottle rocket fire. A magic bolt smashed against my shield, sizzling. The shield continued to hold.

The Muzzle tower fired. The blue plasma bolts sounded almost like a phaser blast from a sci-fi game. The bolts had an area of effect attack, but this tower was only level one and the area wasn’t that large. But the effect itself lasted a long time, and it fired quickly, thanks to Nale’s high level. He focused first on the emo-tong mages and then moved to the clerics. Soon, no magic emanated from the front lines, and the mages ran back toward the cave in panic—showing the first signs of emotion from the disciplined emo-tong. They ran into the waiting gorcupines, who showed them no mercy.

Gretchen was a thing of beauty. She leaped off of Bruce Bruce, choosing to fight beside the bear. I’d seen her fight plenty of times, but not in a situation like this. She twisted and spun, leaped and jabbed with her spear. She did not yell, but I was surprised to see tears streaming down her cheeks as she fought. She’d been practicing hard, day in and out with her weapon. She was level 27 with the spear, a level three master, and it showed.

Bruce Bruce showed no signs of the timidity he’d shown earlier. He roared and clawed, biting and slicing. He and Gretchen were a whirlwind of death.

Without magic, the emo-tong were garbage at fighting. The slaughter was one-sided. A few of our guys went down, but not many.

Rush, cut, rush, cut. Alice and I charged, swiping left and right. Bodies started to pile up at the cavernous exit. Hundreds, it seemed, in just a minute. The gorcupines retreated back, not wanting to get pulled further into the cave. Fresh emo-tong poured out of the caverns, crawling over the wall of their dead, headed straight into the blender. Arrows rained on them from behind and above, though most the shafts bounced off the armor of those on the ground. The few emo-tong who dared to fly were immediately cut down, their unprotected wings getting ripped to shreds by arrows.

The javelin blasts from the triplets took out six at a time.

Alice cried out in pain as an emo-tong leaped on her back, its sharp forearms digging into her backside as it wrested for purchase. It held a pair of glowing axes. I ducked as the four-armed bastard swung at my head, hissing loudly.

“Can we do it? Can we do it?” Alice called.

“Do it!” I screamed as I leaped into the air, mentally triggering the Feather Fall effect from my helmet.

“Barrel roll, motherfucker!” Alice screamed—just as I had taught her. She threw her body onto the ground and to the left, rolling until she was back on her feet. She immediately repeated the maneuver, this time to the right. The whole exercise took less than two full seconds to complete. She not only splattered the axe-wielding bug, but she took out a line of others.

I landed deftly on her back in a standing position. I pulled my feet into the special, raised stirrups, remaining standing as we circled back toward our side. Gretchen and Bruce Bruce had stopped their fighting momentarily to watch the move open-mouthed.

Your Mounted Acrobatics skill has risen from level 6 to 7.

The host of emo-tong remained in the Catacombs now, likely rallying for an assault. They were both cornered and had to climb a hill of their own dead to get out.

This method when on for a while, lines of emo-tong cresting the hill only to be added to the hill themselves moments later. After the hill became too tall to climb, they flew over on their ponderous, buzzing wings. They were slow in the air, and a glancing shot from the archers was enough for them to tumble out of control. I felt like the kid who found a cheat to get unlimited gold in a game. The experience kept coming and coming. Gretchen and I both were getting full experience for these kills, and I’d already leveled up several times.

 His Royal Majesty Jonah: Holy shit, Popper. I think your bridge idea might work.

Alice and I were back with the archers taking a breather. Gretchen and Bruce Bruce were jogging back to us. Ahead, a line of half-ogres and gorcupines stood halfway up the hill of corpses, killing everything that poked its head out.

Poppy: Well, fuck. Why didn’t we think of this earlier? We need to smash every…

I didn’t finish the message.

Bingo, Gretchen, and I all saw them at the same time. I shouted a warning as Gretchen leaped to the side. Bingo and all his gorcupines scattered. A line of wide, silver tubes crested the hill of dead emo-tong, arcing down to bear on us.

The hackbuts fired all at once, a deafening thunderclap of black smoke and fire. The texugo standing to my immediate left flew back as if he had been hit by a maul. A second line of gun-wielding soldiers appeared, and they also fired. They fell back and were replaced by a third line.

“I’m hit! I’m hit!” Alice screamed, bucking into the air. She immediately glowed. The shot fragment pushed out of her chest as Tiatha healed her. She continued to hop up and down, going “Ow, ow, ow!”

All around me, soldiers died. The healers couldn’t keep up. Gretchen shouted angrily at Colonel Holder, who in turn nodded and started screaming orders of his own. Bingo and crew threw themselves into the midst of the gun-toting bugs, but I saw one gorcupine fly back, his head blown clear off.

Colonel Holder screamed orders, and the group fell back, passing through the edge of the wall and melting into the side streets.

“We’re not done yet,” I screamed, outraged we were retreating. Gretchen had pulled herself up onto Bruce Bruce and came galloping at us.

“Look at the numbers. We’re fine. We gotta get out of here before we lose more soldiers.”

Holder recalled the gorcupines over the chat, and even they pulled back. Pissed off, but not wanting to face the bugs alone, I followed Gretchen off the path.

“We had them!” I yelled. A bright, red button was blinking on the edge of my vision. The button was getting bigger by the moment, and I had to stop moving or it would auto-trigger. Going Berserk could be triggered manually when my heartbeat reached a certain level, but if it went up enough, it would go off on its own whether I wanted it to or not.

“Calm down,” Gretchen said. All signs she’d been crying earlier had fled. “Look at the numbers. Oh, and look at your level.”

I looked. Level 24. Holy shit. I’d gone up four levels. Gretchen was level 29, right on the edge of 30.

How long had we been fighting? I pulled up the War Events menu as I felt my heart start to calm.

1,436 emo-tong remained. Of the 10 surviving oni, it appeared only one remained.

“What the hell?” I said. “We killed a lot, but not that many!” That was how much? 4,500 dead? “I would have guessed we’d gotten about 750 of them. 1,000 tops. I never even saw any of those red bastards out there.”

“I know. I think with them getting backed up inside the Catacombs and unable to exit, they were attacked over and over again on the inside. Hitting them here was really effective. We need to either build or move a barracks right here on the exit.”

I nodded. The barracks were all like mini-castles. They spanned the path in an arch. They garrisoned multiple soldiers and featured defensive positions for archers to safely fire on the approaching creeps. An arch right where we’d just been fighting would be a great defense.

I sighed, patting Alice on the head. She’d done well. She purred loudly.

Gretchen also petted Bruce Bruce, who said nothing. He continued to stare back at the pile of dead bodies about fifty feet away. The remaining emo-tong were hesitantly emerging from the Catacombs, trying to form up their positions.

Colonel Holder approached. “Orders?” he asked. The gruff white jacket made no secret his disdain for me and Gretchen being above him on the totem pole, but he was a professional soldier. He was one of those guys who you’d meet and never be able to imagine as a kid. Like he’d been born with that sword strapped over his shoulder, and even his mother had called him “The Gray Misery.”

“How many did we lose?” I asked. I pulled a cigarette out and lit it, taking a deep drag.

Holder reached out, and I realized he wanted to bum a cigarette. I held out the pack, and he took one. I offered my wisp lighter. He nodded his appreciation. He took a long drag. “Looks like about 25 of us, including a gorcupine.”

I nodded. It didn’t seem like much, but we needed every soldier we could get. “We still have 1,500 of them to deal with. They’re going to hit the Hell Gate in a minute, but it hasn’t been working. The Gardens after that. I want you to add your troops to the garrison at the Butcher’s Delight and make a stand there. We can’t afford to let them get all the way to the Menagerie. Also, have some archers jump on the path to skewer them in the back after they pass. We couldn’t do that before because of that gash-however the hell you pronounce it, but it’s still in the Catacombs. I’ll have the towers focus on the gunners.”

He nodded and saluted crisply before turning and barking more orders.

I looked at Gretchen. “The emo-tong are done for. We did our part. Now it’s up to Jonah.”

She looked as worried as I felt. “I hope he knows what he’s doing.”

Jonah Note 15

Spritz, Archie, and I stood overlooking the bridge. We’d been experimenting with Spritz’s abilities to move rocks around and to alter buildings. While the wave was active, she was limited to what she could do.

She’d just hit level ten, and she could now place fire and archer towers. She could also move some towers around—though not while a wave was active. It didn’t cost anything for her to move or build things, but building took a lot of time. I was originally planning on having her just spam the path with alternating freeze and attack towers, but that wouldn’t work. She needed a couple hours to build a simple archer tower. Once she hit fifteen, she could build lightning, freeze, and mortars. Each one would take five or six hours. Muzzle and rock chuckers took ten hours. Specialty towers took as long as a day. We didn’t have time for that, not with only 72 hours between waves.

I’d just had her try to destroy the bridge crossing the Cassagnac just north of Castle Two. The same location as my earlier battle with the tormented and the moles. God, that’d been what? Six hours ago? It seemed like a week. The thousands of corpses had all been cleaned up by the chamber imps, though several of the small creatures remained on the path as we approached. It appeared they were filling in the holes left by the moles. They ignored us as we passed, and I gave them a wide berth, not wanting to accidentally touch one. The way Gretchen explained the Bad Hygiene curse made it sound almost as bad as my Devouring Soul curse.

To everyone’s surprise, destroying the bridge actually worked. Almost. We couldn’t fully obstruct the path, but the system allowed Spritz to destroy the bridges to the point where nothing but a single, sidewalk-width amount of stone spanned the river. The thin arch defied physics, but it stood, magically held aloft by the magic of the spiral.

The invaders crossed seven bridges during a complete spiral run. If we could slow them to a trickle at each of the bridges, we could hold off almost any number of attackers. I couldn’t believe we hadn’t thought of this earlier.

With emo-tong, they could fly short distances, so it didn’t matter for this wave, but for the next—assuming we survived the next few hours—it meant hope. The number of creeps was going up by almost three times each wave. I shuddered at what that boded for the fifth and final wave.

I’d hoped to be able to install a trap onto the damaged bridge itself, but the system wouldn’t let Archie do it. Nor would it allow us to install a trap about ten feet before or after the start of the bridge in a wide rectangle. We’d been struggling for a way to overcome this problem when Popper gave us his idea.

We rushed back to the island and dragged the shaman out of the church.

“How long does it take you to make a charm stone?” I asked.

He looked between me and Spritz, eyes wide.

“It depends on the purpose of the stone. The casting of the spell takes but a few moments. But the stone itself must be carved by a master mason. The weight of the stone must be precise. The purity of the materials in the stone must be exact. The runes must be perfectly placed, or the stone will not hold the magic. If any one of these is wrong, it could explode.”

“The charm stones outside the Catacombs have your church’s symbol on them,” I said. “They keep the undead within?”

The shaman grunted. “It doesn’t keep them within. It keeps them animated. If they go past the stones, the magic quickly wears off.”

Shit. “We need a stone that will keep a giant skeleton boxed in. It only needs to work for about 10 feet or so as it leaves a bridge. We need to keep him trapped in a tight space along a path.”

“Hmm,” the shaman said, rubbing his simian face. “A Quench Eternal Hunger spell might work. Most skeletons are ravenous. Quench Eternal Hunger sates them, making them both docile and unwilling to attack. It slows their movements and disorients them. It only works for but a few moments. Add a second stone that casts Compel Undead, and they will remain on the path they currently are. That stone, at least, is easy enough.”

“Can you cast both of those?”

“Cast, yes. But like I said, you would need a master mason to make the stones. It usually takes months to craft such a thing.”

Spritz leaned forward. “Do you know the runes and stone weight required for these charm stones?”

“I do,” the shaman said.

Spritz smiled, a long, toothy grin.

* * *

The emo-tong entered the Hell Gate only to emerge unscathed. I’d placed a spotter near the castle, and he reported that they entered the coliseum, and there was a great rumbling like the door was rising from the ground, but nothing happened. It appeared the gate itself was gone.

The towers continued to whittle away at the creeps. The triplets in the Sentinel Tower devastated the middle ranks of gun-toting bugs after polishing off the last oni. From there, we had them work on the mages, who marched on the edges of their formations.

The Gardens with the gargoyles took a deep toll, and the emo-tong did not have the protection of the now-drained fountain filled with a Fire Resistance potion. By the time they approached the Butcher’s Delight, a mere 303 emo-tong remained, facing off against a greater number of seasoned white jackets and mercenary warriors.

The strange tower that rose above the garrison arch didn’t seem to have any effect on the bugs. It didn’t matter. It was over in seconds. Bingo and Colonel Holder obliterated them.

My chest swelled with pride. That’s right, assholes. Teach you to rebel against your king.

Only one monster remained. We had all the NPCs pull back. This would either work or not. Either way, we couldn’t use them anymore.

We didn’t know if the charmstones would work against an invulnerable monster. Gretchen seemed to think because they weren’t offensive spells—I still had trouble telling the difference—they would work. Popper was skeptical.

We set the trap up on the first bridge to the small island just east of Fort Bloodgasm. In the real world this was Île Saint-Louis, one of only two natural islands in the Seine as it wrapped around Paris. Spritz worked her magic on the bridge, whittling it down to a mere two feet across.

We finished placing the twin charm stones just as the giant skeleton emerged from underneath the now-abandoned Butcher’s Delight. It fell forward as it approached the low archway of the garrison, growing an extra set of bone arms, turning itself into a six-legged, bug-like creature as it skittered over the corpses of the fallen emo-tong. It crawled under the archway and then pulled itself to its full height.

The gashadokuro jingled oddly as it approached, like it was filled with tiny bells. A javelin from the Sentinel Tower impacted the skull, causing it to jerk back. The triplets refused to leave their tower. Starr cursed again over the chat. She swore every time the javelins impacted and had no effect. Every 15 seconds. It was starting to get very old.

The monster paused to regard the thin bridge. Its head cocked to the side, as if it suspected the trap. Spritz, Archie, and I waited just off the path on the fourth floor of an abandoned building that appeared to once be a hotel for the wark-ee. Molded, nest-shaped beds filled each room, and each room had what appeared to be a now-empty hot tub in them. Some of the rooms on the top floor were smaller but with open-air skylights, so the flying guests could come and go as they pleased.

“Come on, big boy,” Archie was saying as he leaned out the window. “Come on, come on you bloody bastard.”

The massive skeleton observed the bridge for a few more moments then cascaded down into a pile, falling in on itself like a house of cards, filling the midnight air with the sound of clacking bones and bells. The bones writhed and reformed, turning into a long, eel-like creature. It started to slither across the bridge, undulating like an inchworm as it slowly crossed the Cassagnac river.

It paused again at the other end of the bridge. The line of bones was so long, it encompassed the entire span. It seemed to sniff the charm stone, the Compel Undead. It seemed to ignore the second one, placed to the side. It moved forward off the bridge.

The giant skeleton normally returned to its standing skeleton form the moment it could. We needed it to remain in its thin form for just ten feet. Ten feet. It slithered forward, not changing. Nine. Eight. Seven.

I held my breath.

The gashadokuro reached the level 4 vortex trap.

War Party> Vortex Trap in E3 triggered.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 1 casualty. 0 invaders remain.

Wave 3 of 5 complete.

You have received a reward! 10,000 jacks have been added to your account. You have received two training tokens!

You have received a bonus reward! Your pack has been upgraded! Storage size doubled!

War Party> Spiral systems deactivating.

War Party> Spiral systems are now offline, and it is safe to traverse the spiral path. Chamber imps have been dispatched to reset the traps and clear corpses.

War Party Admin> Warning! You have traps that need to be reloaded.

War Party Admin> Warning! You have towers that have been destroyed and need to be repaired.

I collapsed against the wall in exhaustion as Archie and Spritz whooped and hollered.

“I can’t believe that worked,” I said. I wondered if that was how we were supposed to have defeated the thing. We couldn’t harm it, but we could move it. I’d remembered how we’d slowed down the centipede during the nipple quest, and I thought maybe we could do something similar here. We did, and it worked. In some random place in this world, a giant, pissed-off eel skeleton just landed. I hoped it was the ocean somewhere, and that it would sink to the bottom and get stuck.

Poppy: This shit is too easy. When are they going to make it a challenge?

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Gretchen. Would you object if I punted his ass off the balcony?

Gretchen: You’re too late. I just smacked him upside the head.

Popper Note 19

The first thing I did after the wave finished was send Spritz back out there to repair the destroyed towers. After, her job was to make all the bridges as thin as possible. Then she was to move the three barracks so two of them were near bridge exits and the third—the Butcher’s Delight—was placed smack there at the exit to the Catacombs. Jonah would later talk her through moving several of the towers around now that she was high enough level.

Moving the towers and barracks took a little bit of time, about a half hour for each one. We had 60-something hours before wave 4, and we needed to build as many kill zones as possible. After she was done rearranging, she was going to start upgrading towers. She was currently level 14, though that would go up a few times before today was done. But at her current level, she could upgrade all towers to level two, and some towers, such as fire and archer towers to level three. At level three, a tower could pick a specialization. Fire towers could either become plasma or inferno towers. Inferno towers fired slow, but they set the ground on fire for several minutes. Archer towers could become sniper towers or ballista towers.

Spritz needed to be level 17 to upgrade lightning towers to level three. From there they could specialize in either thunderclap, which stunned enemies for ten seconds in addition to electrical damage, or chain lightning towers, which jumped from creep to creep. One of Jonah and Archie’s plans required some of each of those towers. Upgrading, however, also took time. We really needed four or five of these rock singers to be effective.

Once that was done, we were going to see how much time we had and how many towers she could build between now and then. I suspected it wasn’t going to be very many.

We’d lost about 50 arrowed fighters during the fight. We had another 5,000 citizens showing up tomorrow from Nijon, which would bring our total fighting force to just over 7,500. That put us in a pretty good position as long as we prepared properly.

After the wave, Jonah and Archie grabbed Granger out of his tower, and they rushed off to grab the “supplies” as he called it for his grand trap idea. In the morning, I had Bingo sending fighters off to the various dungeons hidden in the city to collect as many beasts as they could for the cage traps and hopefully some larger monsters for the Menagerie.

Holder was put in charge of training the fighters for the barracks. Gretchen, with her human calculator skill and general nerdiness was already hard at work, cross-referencing skills and tower requirements, making the most effective use of each NPC for each individual tower.

Jonah came back to Fort Bloodgasm as dawn broke. He, Archie, and Granger laughed like children as they approached, holding their now-full traps up like trophies. Jonah kept dropping the traps, he was laughing so hard. Gretchen crinkled her nose. “You need a shower, Jonah. You smell like you’ve been crawling through the sewer.”

I found myself checking on Raj every hour or so. The little dude was so damn enthusiastic about everything. I felt bad about us leaving him there in Quibou. He and his pack of hotel workers had returned to the roof, where they were eagerly awaiting a clue as to what the next creep would be.

I let Jonah and Gretchen sleep before I did. Alice came up into the Fort, and we went out together to the great balcony that looked north over the Cassagnac and onto the city. The rising sun glinted off the decrepit buildings. My eyes caught furtive movements in the distance on the roofs, the remaining and broken hobgoblins going about their day.

Alice lay down on the stone floor of the balcony, and I leaned up against her. She purred, her heavy body vibrating so deeply that my teeth chattered. Together, we watched the city. My city. I’m the regent. Jonah and Gretchen were helping with the heavy lifting, but this was my city. My responsibility. It was stupid, I knew. But I understood now why Jonah was so reluctant to abandon Harmony.

“Tell me about her again,” Alice said. She spoke softly, like she was drifting off to sleep. “About Molly.”

My heart broke, just like it did every time we had this conversation. “She’s gone, Alice. Lost to time.”

“She’s only gone if you stop talking about her.”

The tears already started streaming down my cheeks. I turned and buried my face in Alice’s side. Then, quietly, gently, I told Alice the story of Molly. I started with Juliette telling me she was pregnant, and me proposing, and her laughing in my face. We were finally married a month after Molly was born. By then, her doctor was already suspicious that something might be wrong. Cerebral palsy, it turned out. All around the world, new medical achievements were rendering some of humanity’s worst killers obsolete. Most cancers were now survivable. Alzheimer’s was reversible. Heart disease was curable with a simple pill.

But not cerebral palsy. Doctors couldn’t even agree on how she got it. Some thought trauma in the womb. Others thought something happened to her head after she was born. And still others said she was just cooked wrong. Her brain wiring wasn’t properly grounded.

We managed, though. Her symptoms were moderate. Worse than some, but not so bad compared to others. She would always have trouble talking, and she’d have to walk with forearm crutches for the entirety of her life. There were a few experimental treatments, implants for the brain that were supposed to help, but getting into those studies was like winning the lottery.

When she turned seven, word of a new treatment coming from Canada gave us hope. By then, Molly was already a beautiful, vibrant, and happy kid. She had trouble concentrating, and while others her age were already reading and starting to deal with real math in school, Molly was just rounding the bend at kindergarten level. So she was a little slow, but not so much. I used to joke she was just like me. Slow, but so damn good lookin’ it didn’t matter.

The treatment involved brain surgery and stem cells and gave her a chance to start over. She would come out with full brain function. She was still young enough. As long as the surgery was done by the time she was ten or so, she would supposedly reach adulthood with no sign of the condition. There was time. Juliette had gotten her on the list. She’d had her surgery scheduled. It wasn’t to cost anything. It was like a dream.

And then the world dropped out from under us. They canceled. They canceled just a few days before Juliette and Molly were to go to Montreal. Why? Because of me. I was in prison at this point, for the second time. That’s not what they said, not outright. They’d found another family with a child whose “home situation was more conducive to a full recovery.” I knew what that meant. Juliette knew. Molly’s mom was married to a man who was in prison for a violent crime. It didn’t matter that he still had another ten years, and that the violent criminal wouldn’t be home with the child. It showed a lack of judgment on mom’s part.

I’d raged and cried. I’d failed her once again. Juliette pretended she wasn’t mad at me, but I could tell. She still visited every month. She brought Molly four times a year. We didn’t want her too exposed to the prison. My fault. Once again.

The man visited me about six months after the canceled surgery. His name was VanPelt. Rumors had already been swirling around the prison. A few other guys who worked in electrical with me had been visited by mystery men and then disappeared the next day. “We’d like to offer you an opportunity to get out of prison and start a new life.”

“I don’t know what you’re selling,” I’d said to the large man. “But if you get my daughter the surgery she needs, I will do whatever you want.”

The man had frowned, looking down at his tablet. “I don’t see you listed as having a child.”

“I do,” I said. “I have a wife and a daughter. Get her what she needs, and I’m yours.”

My reverie was broken by Raj. I looked up, and Alice was snoring. She always fell asleep when I told her that story. I wiped my cheeks and read the notification.

Raj: A new portal has opened! Things are coming out!

Poppy: Okay, buddy. Describe them to me.

Raj: They are like humans but white and bald. They have red robes and lots of swords. Each one has three swords. They are riding on the back of giant chickens.

Poppy: Chickens?

Raj: Giant chickens! Each one is bigger even than the mean spiky monkey. They are very pretty though. They have blue feathers and red feathers and brown feathers. It is very bright. Some of the bald people now have bows and not swords. Some have long spears.

Poppy: Okay, thanks little man. You’re doing a great job. Keep your head down, keep your people safe, and let us know if anything new appears.

Raj: I am a scout! I went up a level!

Gretchen came out onto the balcony, yawning. “Did I read that right? Giant chickens? Maybe we should go out there and take a look for ourselves. I can’t think of any monsters that I remember that are giant chickens.” She paused, looking me up and down. “Are you okay? Have you been crying?”

I self-consciously wiped my eyes, standing up. “No,” I lied. I kicked away the small luck charms that had sprouted on the stone floor of the balcony, but it was too late. She’d already seen them.

She put her hand on my shoulder. “You know, we see you cry a lot. Both Jonah and I. You can talk to us. You don’t have to hide it.”

I shouldered away, suddenly angry, though I didn’t know why. “I ain’t no damn kid. I know it looks like it, but I’m not.”

I left, leaving Gretchen and a snoring Alice out on the balcony. I didn’t have time for this. I had a meeting with Oliver the beastmaster. He had a cage of small, useless rat things in his stables. He used them to feed his scorpion mount. Each day we didn’t have to fight, I went down there and had him release one so I could kill it. I had to kill one thing a day to keep Montu sated, or he’d imbue me with a penalty.

After that, I’d sleep five hours to knock my exhaustion back down, and then I’d get to work. I had a damn city to save.

Gretchen Note 3

I spent the morning after wave three with a sheet of paper and pen, huddled in a corner of the defense cockpit. I sorted through the NPCs, calculating the most effective NPC combination for each tower. Around noon, the ragtag group of NPCs from Nijon arrived. A large contingent of white jackets accompanied them. Also, we received three additional blacksmiths, a leathersmith, an armorer, and a chemist, all pulling carts with their supplies. Most every other NPC from the town was garbage, with stats at one or zero across the board, except a few middle-level archers and hunters. Nijon was a mining town filled mostly with blond-haired dwarves. They did have higher than average strength, though. That was good for a few towers such as rock chuckers and mortars.

It turned out if you had the maximum number of troops in a tower, and the average of their skills in the tower’s prime skill (archery for archer towers, pyromancy for fire towers, etc.) was at least expert level (level 11), the tower received additional attack bonuses. If it was mastery level (level 25), then the tower received an enhanced attack and speed bonus. It explained why the shots from the Sentinel Tower had been both quicker and deadlier than normal.

As I worked, Bruce Bruce came in and lay down near my feet. He slept, murmuring as he dreamed. I wondered if NPCs dreamt while they slept.

We had a long day ahead of us. After I finished assigning towers, I was going to go out and try to figure out the mysterious Ladies’ Choice tower. It only allowed us to assign female occupants, but otherwise, it appeared to be a larger-than-usual arrow tower. When we’d assigned it last night, it had only scored a couple kills as the host of emo-tong passed. I had a hunch that there was something more going on there.

Jonah had his own skunkworks lab percolating in the other corner with his new best friend, Archie the texugo. I liked the strange badger, though rogues always made me feel uneasy. He’d successfully stolen from me, which was no easy feat with my dexterity of 15. He had a pickpocket skill of 24. What was so strange about the NPC was that he had a really keen sense of engineering. I guessed that came with being a sapper, or combat engineer as they called it. But whatever AI was running that brain of his knew what it was doing. This game had a tendency to play fast and loose with the rules of physics, but as I listened to Jonah and Archie discuss how they were going to implement some aspect of a trap, Archie sounded a lot like a few structural engineers I’d known over the years. He’d mentioned forcing loads and allowable pressure and several other terms that flew right over Jonah’s head.

They had two different ideas they were going to try for this next wave. One was actually a tower, not a trap. The game allowed Archie and Spritz to work together to make these hybrid obstacles. After they built those, Archie was going to go out and start building as many of the small traps as he could. Being a level 35 sapper, he could build smaller traps, like springer traps and vortex traps up to level four. The bigger ones, like slam traps, he could only upgrade to level two.

We also had a meeting with Nale scheduled for the afternoon sometime. He’d finally finished identifying everything from the magic storage room. He said most of it was useless, but there were a few interesting odds and ends.

Popper was still asleep. I was worried about him. The stress of this seemed to be getting the best of him. He never showed it, but I could tell he was a worrier. He worried about Jonah getting killed, about Raj getting hurt, and about a million other little things at once. And all the while, he was still grieving and processing the loss of his wife and daughter. I would never forget the look on his face that night, the moment Daniels had told him his family wouldn’t be on that ship. I’d known a lot of men like that over the years, men who seemed to simultaneously wear their hearts on their sleeves and still manage to hide how they were really feeling from the outside world. It wasn’t healthy, not physically or emotionally. Today wasn’t the first time I had caught him crying.

I reached forward and scratched behind Bruce Bruce’s ear. It still hurt, what he’d said to me last night.

After we’d finished the battle outside the Catacombs, we’d far surpassed the 100 kills marker required for him to bond with me. As we trotted back to the castle, the waist-high grass waving in the cool night air, I’d put my hand on his head, pulled up the menu, and clicked on Initiate Bond.

A moment passed. And then.

You have been rejected.

I was flabbergasted. What the heck? I was both hurt and bewildered. I didn’t even think it was possible for him to reject me after I met the requirement. In the original version of the game, it would be unheard of.

“I don’t understand,” I said.

He didn’t answer for several moments. “Strong Gretchen,” he said finally. “I am a good fighter. A strong fighter. I enjoy our battles very much.”

“Okay…” I said.

“But these bigger battles, with booms and frightening creatures which do not smell of home. I… I am afraid. I do not want to be here anymore. I want to go home. I want to go back to the stables with Jessica and Tricia and Yorb and F’nash and all the others, even Whiplash Rager, though he brags too much. I… I do not like it here. I like you, and you are a brave, strong warrior. But I do not wish to bond. If I do this thing, I fear I will never go home. Before you came, it was the same every day. But this was not boring to me. This was home.”

I didn’t know what to say.

“Do not tell Alice,” he added. “She called me a female vagina earlier, and I do not wish for her to say this again. I fear she is correct.”

I reached forward, stroking his head. “Oh, Brucie. We won’t bond. It’s okay. I will make sure you get home. I promise. And you are not a female vagina. Nor a male one.”

“Okay, this is good,” he said.

I watched him now, wondering how I would keep my promise. As a mount, he would return to the stables in Harmony if he died. That made me feel better, oddly enough. I sighed. He probably would get home.

But, damnit. Ladies don’t swear, Lin. I’d really started to become attached. I didn’t want to admit it, but it was true. I was jealous of Popper’s relationship with Alice. They’d bonded immediately, well, almost immediately. But it was clear they were kindred spirits, that they were meant for each other. I’d thought I would have that with Bruce Bruce.

It’s just a game. Bruce Bruce isn’t real. He’s the equivalent to a virtual pet. You don’t get upset when virtual pets reject you.

But that wasn’t true, and I knew it. And that was why it hurt so much.

* * *

Later, I rode Bruce Bruce out to the Ladies’ Choice. The tower was on the far north side of the spiral, the only tower between Castle Three and Castle Four, and it was a good hike to get there. I brought the triplets with me and their ever-present bard, Ace. They’d all requisitioned horses from Oliver the beastmaster. Large swarms of the pong flies patrolled these areas, and we gave them a wide berth. Popper had tasked Bingo with collecting a bunch of the biting bugs for a cage trap and perhaps even the Menagerie, and the three NPCs he’d assigned to the job ended up eaten. He sent another, larger crew, and I could see the white with a blue cross dots of war party members on the edge of my map as they hesitantly approached a swarm.

I’d brought the triplets because the map said it was an arrow-based tower, and I wanted to see what it could do when maxed out. It required three occupants. No minimum or maximum. It had to be three. Hopefully I would fit up there.

Ace wouldn’t be allowed in the tower at all, at least not in the actual turret. When I looked at the menu to assign defenders to the tower, all the males were grayed out. I’d pointed out to Popper that he wasn’t crossed out, and he’d flipped me off. Jonah had laughed, long and hard.

Ace played his lute as we rode. He sang a saccharine song by some band named Dokken about being alone again. Starr kept making him stop, and she was berating him on his pitch. Don is rolling in his grave, she said. Crystal then started complaining that Starr was ruining the song by stopping it every few stanzas. Then Kitty Chapman finally told them both to shut the fuck up and let the bard sing.

Ace sang well. I spent some time examining the level 25 bard’s properties, and he could cast a handful of useful spells. Charm Group. Compel Truth. Switch Sides. All of those could come in handy.

“Really?” I said as we pulled up to the pink tower. It stood about six floors high, making it a bit larger than average, but far from the biggest of towers. It had flowers painted on the lower half and butterflies painted on the top half of the tower. I tried to not let my eyes roll out of my head. The tower looked like one of those plastic, Rapunzel doll houses little girls wanted more than anything in the world for Christmas.

“I think it’s cute,” Crystal said.

“You would,” Kitty Chapman said. We dismounted and tied the horses up just outside the spiral path. I left Bruce Bruce untethered so he could watch the horses.

The looming hulks of Castle Three and Castle Four spread out in the distance. Bingo was personally investigating Castle Four today along with a couple mages, Vern, Granger, and the other three surviving gorcupines. The castle was known as “The Prison,” but it didn’t hold anything special, at least it hadn’t in the old days. It was a mid-level dungeon filled with abandoned jail cells and some ogre berserkers. A few half-ogre-themed guilds were also within, so hopefully they could capture a few full-blooded ogres for the Menagerie and arrow a few guildmasters. Afterward, they would proceed over to Castle Three, which was a straight-up dungeon. Tomorrow they would hit Castle Two, which was filled with decent, low-tier magical equipment. We’d use the loot from there to kit out the fighters in the barracks.

“At least this tower doesn’t take an hour to get to the top,” Starr grumbled as we ascended the stairs. I still marveled at how easily I reached the top of the stairs. In the real world, I’d be winded by the time we hit the third floor.

It turned out Ace could actually go into the tower with us, but he couldn’t enter the main room. He stood just outside, sitting on the top step, tuning his lute. The room was large, and I fit easily, but it wouldn’t let me touch anything after I’d assigned the other three.

“Okay,” I said, examining the mechanisms. Unlike the 15-man archer towers which had multiple archer stations, this held a single, extra-large, fixed-position compound bow that was mounted in place. One could only pull and release it. A spotter position with an upgraded—and also pink—looking-glass stood to the right of the bow. The spotter had a lever that allowed her to control the Y-axis, pointing the bow up and down. She also controlled a large wheel, like the helm on the ship. When turned, it rotated the entire top half of the tower on the x-axis. The third position was the loader. The large arrows came up from the floor attached to metal, clockwork clamps. The loader had to remove the clamp and load it onto the bow.

Other than being a pain to properly aim, I didn’t see what was so special about this particular tower, or why it was called what it was.

Then, just to the left of the button one had to press to summon a new arrow, I saw something interesting. It was a dial selector. I grasped it, but my hand passed through the dial. I had Starr turn it, and a message popped up, the words floating magically in the air above the selector.

Standard Arrow. 0 seconds.

She turned it once to the left.

Poison Arrow. 2 seconds.

Then again.

Corrosive Arrow. 2 seconds.

She kept turning, arrow after arrow. There were two dozen different kinds, each with varying spawn times. Net arrows. Ice arrows. Fear arrows. Holy arrows. Void arrows—which came with a warning that they would only work on standard-size creeps. Homing arrows. Blinding arrows. Insanity. Explosive.

Only one arrow could spawn at a time. The top three arrows indicated they were mastery-level only. I wanted to test the top one, toxic cloud, then thought better of it with Bruce Bruce and the horses down below. The same with the second highest, an earthquake arrow. And the third, psychic storm. All had one minute spawn times. I had Starr pick a smoke arrow, and she latched it onto the bow.

The triplets worked quickly and efficiently.

“See that pebble in the middle of the road right there?” Kitty Chapman said, looking at me.

I peeked over the edge. I couldn’t see it, but I took her word for it. She pulled the trigger, and the arrow thrummed away, presumably hitting the pebble dead center. Soon the path was filled with a billowing, black smoke. It didn’t dissipate for several minutes.

The triplets were much more effective in the Sentinel Tower than here, and we didn’t have the resources to get one—let alone three—mastery-level archers in here. So we wouldn’t be able to utilize this tower to the best of its ability.

Without them, it was a good tower, but not a great one. It fired slow and required a lot of coordination to work properly. As we went back outside, I could still smell the smoke in the air.

Gretchen: Spritz, can I ask you a question?

Spritz: Of course. I am in the process of moving a freeze tower 200 meters to the east, per Jonah’s instructions.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Don’t steal my rock singer. She’s doing something important.

I ignored Jonah.

Gretchen: When you upgrade a tower, how much control do you have over how it is upgraded?

Spritz: There are options at level three. I go over this with Jonah. Some have only two options. Some have several.

Gretchen: Can the Sentinel Tower be upgraded?

Spritz: Yes. I can currently upgrade it to level two, however the upgrade takes three hours. I am scheduled to upgrade it tomorrow. The upgrade to level three takes 10 hours, but I can’t do this until I reach level 25.

I pulled up the menu and took a quick look. Spritz was already level 22. She would hit 25 by this time tomorrow if she kept it up.

Gretchen: How many options are available for the level three Sentinel Tower? Can you tell?

Spritz: Yes. There are many. I have discussed this with Jonah, as I said. He has already chosen the slam tower upgrade. It adds additional splash damage. I will not have time to upgrade to this level until after the next wave, assuming I reach the proper level.

Gretchen: Is “ladies’ choice” one of the options?

Spritz: Yes it is.

Gretchen: We’re going to need that upgrade.

Popper Note 20

Raj: A new portal has opened. New things are coming out!

We’d been waiting for this. Unless these chicken-riding albino fuckers were much more powerful than they looked, wave four was looking to be a cakewalk. And we all knew that wasn’t going to happen, so whatever was coming, it was probably something awful.

So far only about 500 pairs of the first creatures had arrived. The bald dudes and their massive chicken mounts. Jonah and Archie had a trap planned specifically for them that would hopefully be just as effective as the mole trap.

Still, we were all nervous. We knew nothing about these creatures. We discussed possibly sending a scout team out to put a few arrows in them to see how they’d react, but we were afraid that doing so might inadvertently trigger an early wave.

We were sitting in the wide room just outside of the defense cockpit. Nale had a table set up, and he along with two younger mages were bringing items out, setting them one after another, like it was show and tell day at kindergarten. Nale practically bubbled over with excitement.

Poppy: Well don’t keep us waiting, kid. What is it?

Raj: Only a few things came out, but they are dragging a big stone thing! It’s four of the big red monsters like last time. And a pretty lady! The pretty lady is a human in a robe.

My heart leaped. We weren’t supposed to face Akkorokamui until the last wave, not this one.

Poppy: Does she have three red eyes? Is she tall like Gretchen?

Raj: No. She is a small, pretty lady. She has two eyes. She carries an umbrella! It’s not even raining!

I wasn’t relieved. I looked at Jonah and Gretchen. That didn’t sound good. Akkorokamui looked like a younger woman, until you realized she was hiding a goddamned kraken under her skirt. If this thing was her little sister or something, we were screwed.

The notification came before I could ask my next question.

Quest update. Missing Maps.

A general of Akkorokamui has arrived. During the next wave, capture and interrogate the officer of the demon army to learn more about Sandra the Learnt’s location.

“Capture her?” I said. “Great.”

Raj: The big stone thing looks like a giant door!

Oh fuck. I exchanged a look with Gretchen, who looked equally horrified.

Gretchen: Raj, is there a big, red jewel above the door?

Raj: Yes! It’s very glowy!

“The Hell Gate,” Gretchen said. “They’re using it against us.”

“Wait,” Jonah said. “Didn’t you say the Hell Gate spits out one modified version of a monster you’ve previously fought?”

“That’s right,” I said.

“If you have NPC mercenaries in your party, does it spit out things they’ve fought, too?”

“I don’t know,” I said, looking to Gretchen. She was beginning to grin.

“I don’t think it does,” she said. “In fact, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.”

“So,” Jonah said. “They’re going to open up the Hell Gate on us, but only three monsters are going to come out? And it could be three rats?”

I grunted. “We don’t know that for sure. It could be three demons of Icardi. Or they could just be fucking with us, and 50,000 hellhounds are going to come pouring out of that thing.”

“That’s a cheerful thought,” Jonah said. “But think about it. The game was expecting this to be a world event, right? We’re doing all this extra legwork to get NPCs in here, but in reality, it should be a bunch of players manning these towers. The Hell Gate is a great idea for a wave.”

Nale cleared his throat, and we turned our attention to the arcanist, who seemed exasperated we weren’t paying attention to him.

“So, you tasked me with identifying and cataloging the contents of the old war-kee magical armory. I’m sorry to say the majority of the items have degraded to uselessness. However, there are a few noteworthy items. Also, many of the potions are still okay. I had those brought up earlier.”

Indeed, our small pile of healing and mystic point regeneration potions had grown. Bingo had also added to the pile today with his dungeon crawling. There weren’t too many new interesting potions expect a few more barkskin ones, which I liked to use. Neither Jonah nor Gretchen could stand them.

 “As you probably know,” Nale continued, “mystical items have a tendency to get corrupted and turn cursed if left alone for too long. As a result, most of the weapons were no good. There were some good ones. We have an armory of enchanted weapons now that imbue some minor enchantments. Per Regent Poppy’s instructions, these have been given to Colonel Holder, who is dispensing them amongst his troops. Some with the more interesting enchantments are here.”

We sifted through the piles of weapons. Most were smaller, one-handed swords. The thin rapiers were the most common. These were weapons of the wark-ee, who were smaller, but bigger than me. Multiple spear heads also dotted the table. Gretchen picked one up, her eyes going wide.

“Holy shit,” Gretchen said.

Jonah and I both stopped dead. When Gretchen swore—and Gretchen never swore—it meant something momentous. Like with my parents. My mom was always hollering, so when she yelled, nobody really cared. If my dad yelled, though. Watch the fuck out.

I examined the weapon. It glowed orange, which was an unusual color for an enchantment.

Valkyrie Spar of the Heavens. This weapon is broken.

This weapon is enchanted.

This weapon may only be wielded by a female.

This dwarven-forged spear was presented to queen Salleen of the War-kee as part judgment of peace by the Fallen King Blaine during their great war at the sunset of the second age.

If repaired with a standard shaft, this spear imparts the following attributes:

+3 to Dexterity (Only when in-hand)

+1 to Constitution (Only when in-hand)

+1 to Magic Ability (Only when in-hand)

+5 to wielder’s Spear skill

Zeal (Only when in-hand)

The bearer of this spear gains the ability to cast Fly one time per day.

Find the Agonizing Staff of the Tormented and unite these two weapons to create a Celestial weapon of power.

This is a Legendary weapon.

“Holy zombie Jesus,” I said, rereading the description. “You’ll be able to fly!”

“What the hell is a celestial weapon of power?” Jonah asked. “And what does Zeal do?”

Gretchen reverently turned the razor-sharp spearhead over in her hand. It was made of a strange, white metal. “Zeal means I can move faster. A lot faster. And my damage is doubled. It’s not usually a permanent attribute, but a spell Paladins cast that lasts about a minute. Celestial weapons are game lore stuff. They’re the weapons the gods used to kill the primordials and bring about the second age, and then those same gods used these weapons to kill the vagrant gods to form the pantheon and bring about the third age.”

“With your plus five, that puts your spear skill to 32,” Jonah said. “Add the Zeal and dexterity bonus, then you’re probably faster than I am.”

“You think the tormented guys from wave two were the same dwarves as the ones from this King Blaine guy?” I asked.

Gretchen nodded. “It makes sense.”

“Well we gotta find you this staff and put that spear on it,” Jonah said. “In the meantime, you should go visit one of those new blacksmiths and have them repair it for you.”

“Ehh, we were lucky to find this one,” I said. “It was in the dusty back closet of a castle the size of a community college. The other half, that staff is probably shoved up the ass of a wildebeest in a zoo in Brazil or something like that.”

“Well this is good enough as it is. I think I’m going to go get it repaired right now,” Gretchen said, striding out of the room.

“I’m not finished presenting the items,” Nale said, sounding hurt.

“Do you have anything better than that?” I asked, sifting through the other stuff on the table. There were three Portal scrolls. A couple necklaces that weren’t as good as the one I was currently wearing. A ring that would allow the wearer to see the location of worms in the ground. Three-toed boots that increased strength by three. That was a good one, though none of us would be able to wear them. Still, they went in the bag. The pair was probably worth 40-50,000 jacks.

Most everything else seemed useless, though at the very end of Nale’s show-and-tell, two gray stones caught my eye. Whetstones! Not just whetstones, platinum stones. That was the best kind. They added a 10% damage enhancement and a random enchantment to any bladed weapon. Neither Jonah nor Gretchen would be able to use these—since they both now had Legendary weapons. But I could.

You could only use a whetstone once, and you could only safely sharpen a weapon once. Each time after that you had a huge chance of breaking it. I held one of the warm, gray stones in my hand. It was heavy, and I’d never used a platinum-level one before. I gently pulled Dolly Trauma free from my top and pulled the blade along the edge of the stone. My dagger glowed, and the stone crumbled away to dust.

You have upgraded your weapon.

Achievement Unlocked! Use a whetstone.

Dolly Trauma wasn’t the best weapon in the game, but I had a soft spot for it. Everyone received a gift from the game guide for completing the tutorial, and Dolly had been mine. She was a simple knife with a minor enchantment, plus one percent damage. I examined her properties now.

Dolly Trauma. (Sharp Knife)

This weapon is enchanted.

This weapon has been sharpened.

+11% Damage.

1.5% Chance to cast Transfiguration

Transfiguration? Shit. That spell could go either way. I didn’t really use Dolly Trauma enough for it to likely ever matter. An additional 10% damage was nothing to sneeze at. I put her away and sharpened Kneecapper, my axe.

You have upgraded your weapon.

I pulled up a quick view of the new stats.

Kneecapper (Sharp Battle Axe)

This weapon is enchanted.

This weapon has been sharpened.

This weapon is small-scale size.

+15% Damage

Penetrating

25% chance to cast Muddy

.5% chance to be Disheartening

The axe already had the Penetrating (ignore 50% of target’s armor) and Muddy (slow target down by 25%) enhancement. I assumed Disheartening was similar to Morale Loss, which sometimes caused targets to run away. I was pleasantly surprised to see I was wrong.

Disheartening – Target has a .5% chance to lose its heart. Literally. Insta-kill bonus for targets who need a single heart to survive. Target must have a heart, and the strike must occur on the same extremity as the heart. (Strikes against humans must occur to the chest area, etc.)

“Hell yeah,” I said, examining Kneecapper. I’d have to change her name now. I opened up the menu, thought for a minute, then mentally typed in her new name.

You have renamed your weapon to Battlefield Surgeon.

I hefted Battlefield Surgeon in my hands. While not as cool as Triple Fang or whatever Gretchen’s new spear was called, I was now happy with her. She felt right. Deadly.

I looked up at Nale. “Hey, you did a great job. Thanks!”

Nale, who had been scowling, cracked a smile. “Thanks so much. I’m glad someone appreciates my efforts.”

Jonah had wandered off, leaving me alone with the arcanist.

“Hey, let me ask you something,” I said. I picked up one of the Portal scrolls.

“Yes?” Nale asked.

“You said earlier that your chances of making this work,” I held up the scroll, “are what? Fifty percent?”

He looked uncertain. “Probably more like forty.”

Damn. “What about any of the new mages? Most of that mage’s guild is here now. Can any of them cast Portal? Or read this more effectively than you?”

He nodded. “I don’t know of anyone who can cast Portal. But quite a few, probably most of them if I’m being honest, can read this with better results than me.”

“Okay,” I said. “I want you to do something for me, but keep it on the DL.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Just don’t tell Jonah or Gretchen. I want you to pick one of those mages, someone you know who is good at the scroll stuff, and I want them added to the castle guard. I want them nearby at all times. Okay?”

He shrugged. “Sure.”

“Great. And remember, don’t tell Jonah or Gretchen.”

Jonah Note 16

Wave 4 of 5

This wave has been called early! You will receive an additional bonus if you survive this wave!

War Party Admin> Warning! Your city has been invaded! <500 Mikoshi-nyūdō. 500 Basan Mounts. 4 Oni. 1 Hell Gate. Led by General Kiyohime of the Orochi> They are now traveling the spiral path. Proceed immediately to the defense cockpit!

War Party> The city is under attack.

War Party> Spiral systems arming.

War Party> All defenders proceed immediately to your assigned towers.

We had called the wave five minutes early just to see if we’d still get a bonus. The time was 7:30 P.M., so I had just under two and a half hours before I had to be back in the castle for my curse. The invaders had already moved out and were gathering at the Arch of Conquest, waiting for the city to open, so we figured it couldn’t hurt. It sounded like we would get something extra if we won.

Popper remained in the defense cockpit, Gretchen was on capture-the-general duty, and I was spotting just off the path near the entrance. Normally when one entered the spiral, the Sentinel Tower—which was now level two—didn’t start firing until you approached Castle One. We weren’t going to wait. We wanted the triplets to kill one of the bald guys and their mounts, just to make sure they weren’t immortal or anything. If they weren’t, then all 500 of the mounted pairs could be dealt with by the Sentinel Tower alone. With the upgrade, their shots now came at 10-second intervals. That was roughly an hour and a half of shooting to take them all out.

I watched them come through the gate. The four oni came first, dragging the massive Hell Gate. They leaned it up against the inside edge of the Arch of Conquest and left it there. The red, skull-shaped gemstone started to pulse, but nothing happened yet.

The mounted riders came next. They were not in any sort of formation like the emo-tong had been. The chickens were huge, and the human-sized riders looked comically small on their backs. Raj was right. The chickens were pretty.

Gliding in after the mounted warriors was the general, Kiyohime. She looked to be a small, pretty, Asian woman in an ornate kimono. She carried a parasol. I felt the hair on my arms rise at the sight of her.

They didn’t immediately start marching down the path. They congregated around the gate, not moving further in.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: They’re in. The oni dragged the gate in and leaned it by the entrance. They’re just sitting there.

Poppy: Okay Starr, Crystal, and Kitty, take one out.

Kitty Chapman: My name is not Kitty. It is Kitty Chapman. Firing now.

I watched the sparkling lance rip through the sky like a missile. It whined through the night, louder and louder, slamming into the lead chicken rider. The rider and giant chicken exploded in a puff of blood. The other riders scrambled back in surprise.

One of the chickens let out a spray of fire from its beak at the commotion. It torched the tail feathers of another chicken, who turned to face the first, and they started squawking loudly at one another. The riders of either chicken held on for dear life. One of the rider’s heads seemed to come unglued from its body at the jarring motion. The head fell right off the body but was still attached to an elongated neck. The bald, white head rose into the air like a serpent, the elastic-like neck stretching before popping back into place.

The Japanese come up with the weirdest shit.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Poppy: Okay. Sentinel Tower. Take out the four Oni and then move back to the chicken riders. Keep working them until they’re all dead.

Starr: You got it, boss.

One of the oni dropped dead. Ten seconds later another as the lances streaked in.

Poppy: Anything happening with the gate yet?

His Royal Majesty Jonah: No, not yet. Holy shit...

As I was forming my response, five of the chicken riders shot off down the maze, as if they’d been shot from a trebuchet. They’d run off so quickly I’d barely caught the movement.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Five chickens coming in hot. They’re running really, really fast. Like bullet fast.

War Party> Slam Trap in A2 triggered.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 0 casualties. 1,001 invaders remain.

Other trap notifications popped up, one after another. Each time with 0 casualties.

Poppy: Shit. Runners. They’re going to trigger all the traps. Sentinel Tower, get those fuckers before they hit the new ones.

I looked back to the Hell Gate just in time to see mist start to form around the outside of it.

It opens to The Lake. You could go in if you weren’t arrowed.

I shook my head at the thought. Now wasn’t the time. The first shadow appeared in the doorway. This was it.

A brigand stumbled out, looking dumb and confused. I recognized him immediately. It was one of the first creatures we had killed. He was bigger than normal, and he had a weird tentacle thing coming out of his shoulder, but it was clearly a brigand.

Next came a gnome. The round, zombified creature lurched into the night, dragging a curved blade.

The third creature was a zap cat. We had killed those during the tournament battle. This one was also bigger than usual, but its entire body was hairless and patched together, giving it a nightmarish appearance. It sizzled, like it tried to cast Blink, but it misfired. You can’t cast teleportation spells in the spiral.

That was it. The gem stopped glowing, and the mist faded away. The lone remaining oni looked confused. He shook the gate, turned to Kiyohime and muttered something. She didn’t react. The oni grasped the gate and threw it over. To my dismay, it hit the ground and shattered.

Starr: My poser of a sister missed twice. But we got them.

Kitty Chapman: You’re the one aiming, dumbass.

Crystal: If you let me aim, this would never happen. This sucks without Ace. I hope you guys are treating him well. He gets lonely without us. Ace, sing some Tesla for Gretchen. She’ll love it.

Gretchen: That’s okay. I’m letting Malik take a break.

Crystal: His name is Ace! Don’t call him that!

I told the others about the three newcomers and the smashing of the Hell Gate. The triplets took out the last oni and started hammering the chickens, who still hadn’t yet moved.

Kiyohime waved her hand, and the rest of the chickens took off, screaming away down the path. The brigand, gnome, and zap cat trotted after them. Kiyohime began strolling the path herself, moving super slow. At this rate, she’d get to Gretchen and the Ladies’ Choice tower in a good five hours. Maybe six.

My immediate concern were the 480 mounted warriors rushing through the spiral. After a consultation with Popper, we decided to move some of the defenders from the Butcher’s Delight back to just outside the Gardens as a stopgap. Hopefully the invaders would get caught up in the new pool trap, or at least at one of the bridges, but if not, the gardens was a good place to make a stand. The gargoyles were impervious to fire, and they had good stopping power. I wasn’t too worried now. Clearly our early assessment was correct. The chicken riders were meant to zip through and set off the traps, leaving it open for the thousands of enhanced monsters coming through the Hell Gate. Only there weren’t thousands. Just three, and none of them ended up being too impressive.

Now we just needed to worry about the general. She didn’t glow yellow, so I knew we could kill her if we had to. I was tempted to have the triplets just take her out before she did something terrible. But we needed this. We needed to find Sandra the Learnt.

We had spent all of yesterday and a good portion of today searching the city, looking for clues for both Sandra and Chief Musa. We’d come up completely empty. We’d climbed a few buildings, ones we knew housed hobgoblins, but they ran from us on sight. The small, monkey-sized children shrieked and leaped from building to building easily. It was impossible to catch one without hurting them. Tiatha’s garden project was working, though. Signs of midnight cultivation of the fruits and vegetables was obvious. We’d tried to locate the charm stone poisoning the Cassagnac, but it was obviously further upstream, just outside our reach. I wanted to make a new charm stone that cleaned the water. We had a water mage that could do it, but I couldn’t spare Spritz, not even for five minutes. As it was, she didn’t quite finish building her last tower—another lightning tower—before the time was up.

We instructed the towers not to fire at the lone woman, who continued to stroll slowly as possible. Actually, looking at her I realized she was floating an inch or two off the ground. I shadowed her and the three others along the path, waiting for them to separate enough for me to get to the three creatures from the Hell Gate.

After about ten minutes, I had my chance. The chickens would be on the first new trap in minutes, and I didn’t have much time. I’d wanted to be there, but this was more important. I unfurled Triple Fang and leaped onto the path, spinning my blades at the surprised monsters. I dispatched the zap cat first, cutting it in half. Without its Blink ability, it was helpless. I punted the gnome, and it exploded against the blue wall of the spiral. I spun, cutting off the tentacle appendage from the brigand, who fell onto the ground in pain and surprise.

I whipped my blade back to my belt and strode forward, picking up the terrified creature by the front of his shirt. Without the weird appendage, he looked just like a pale, normal human. The man was oddly light in my hands.

“Do you understand me?” I demanded.

“I… I don’t know what’s happened to me,” the brigand said. He had that same stupid drawl as before, but he sounded so terrified I loosened my grip. “I was waiting… No, I died. Then I was here, but I was wrong. I mean, my body was wrong. I’m missing something.”

Jesus. “Where were you before? Before you came here?”

“Please don’t hurt me. I don’t understand any of this. I had something sticking out of me. You cut it off. It was speaking to me. It told me to kill, and all would be forgiven.” He held his hands to his ears. “Make it stop, oh gods it’s still there. It’s angry with you.”

“Were you in The Lake before you came here?”

His eyes widened further. “The Lake?” He fell down to his knees, sobbing. I looked nervously at the distant curve. Kiyohime would round the corner at any moment. “Don’t let me go there. I’m so sorry. My brothers told me there was treasure in the sewers. We went down there. Now I’m here. That’s all I know.”

Son of a bitch. I looked around. “Okay,” I said. “You’re going to be all right. I want you to lie down and pretend you’re dead. Wait for that lady to pass by. When she’s gone, I want you to get up, turn the other way, and run out of the spiral. Make sure you go out the gate. If you don’t, one of these towers is going to shoot you.” He nodded and immediately threw himself to the ground.

I sighed and moved to jump off the path, but the brigand grasped my ankle.

When he spoke again, his voice had changed. It was Weed, the demon. My blood froze in my veins.

“We miss you, Jonah. Please visit soon. Mother Reaver sends her love. Drip drop, Jonah. Drip drop.”

“Oh I’ll be visiting you soon enough,” I said, pulling myself together as I unleased Triple Fang from my waist. I removed the arm from my leg, leaving the brigand crying and bleeding on the ground.

Archibald: They’re coming in quick, mate. You going to be here or not?

His Royal Majesty Jonah: I won’t be there in time. Just keep me updated.

I turned and ran back toward Fort Bloodgasm, trying to keep the tremor out of my hands.

Gretchen Note 4

From the top of my tower, I watched the mass of red and blue chickens rush toward the pool trap. Tiatha stood next to me, and a female pollywog cleric named Cera was in charge of loading. They’d just hit the first barracks, coming to a crashing stop as they clashed against the white jackets defending the archway. The chickens breathed a terrible, caustic fire that melted stone and cooked soldiers alive in their armor. We might’ve been able to make a stand, but Colonel Holder had them fall back, to keep the soldiers alive if nothing else. As it was, we’d lost 30 soldiers, just like that. The chickens broke through the gate, and they were now rounding the corner toward the trap.

We were out of range of the Sentinel Tower here, so it was up to us. The chickens were mostly bunched together, which was good. I held my breath as they entered the long, flat stretch leading up to Castle Three. This was it.

The ground here was a fine sand, produced by Spritz. She’d carved a gigantic hole, as deep as she could along the almost quarter-mile long walkway and then filled it with sand. This had taken a better part of a day to build, but it had helped the rock singer rise up to level 25. Walking along it, it felt like hard-packed beach. One would have no way of knowing that it was almost 20-feet deep, going to the very bottom of the spiral path and scraping the top of the immense, unexplored mazes that lived under Castellane. The way Jonah described it, the Catacombs obstacle was a tiny, tiny fraction of the world that existed down there. In the real world, the underground caverns circled the entire city.

“Hey mate, do you know what a fluidized bed is?” Archie had asked Jonah when they’d first started planning this trap. I’d been nearby and heard this exchange, but I could see the vacant look in Jonah’s eyes. They’d already put together the other trap—which was further down the path. This one was all Archie’s idea. Interested, I’d come forward to look at the map where Archie was pointing.

“I know what fluid is,” Jonah said. “I know what a bed is.”

“You know those sand hot tubs?” I interjected. “That’s a fluidized bed, well sort of.”

“Those things that got banned?” Jonah had asked, eyes going wide.

“Yeah,” I said, grimacing. Pretty much everyone knew the story. A few years back, sand hot tubs had become a popular thing. Fill a tub with solid sand, introduce air to it using multiple jets, and the sand acted like a liquid. It was really interesting to watch. The process had been used for well over a hundred years for all sorts of applications from boilers to powder coating. But more recently, the technology had been used for saunas and beauty regimens. Despite the risks, people had started making DIY sand hot tubs. They’d print a tub, attach a compressor, add the correct type of sand, and the solid turned to a warm liquid that could be splashed about in like it was water.

A guy in the states—Arizona, I think—had the bright idea to do it in a larger scale, with one of those above-ground pools.

The thing with liquified sand was that when the air source went away, the sand immediately returned to its solid state. In this case, the brownout had occurred with 25 second and third graders in the pool, all trying to hold their breath at once, and no supervising adults to help pull them out. Only ten had lived. Both children of the man who had made the pool survived. The man, however, ended up murdered a few weeks later by one of the fathers of the other children, but they could never figure out which one, and no one had been arrested.

Remembering that tragedy, I knew then what Archie was planning.

“Those chickens look pretty strong,” I’d said. “I think they’d probably be able to pull themselves free.”

Archie tapped the line of fire and lightning towers on either side of the path.

“Ohhh,” I’d said.

“Jesus,” Jonah had muttered. “Archie, you’re more evil than I am.”

“Mate,” Archie had said, grimacing. “I don’t doubt that for a moment. I only wish we had more time.”

War Party> Custom Pool Trap in B4 triggered.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… Calculating. 632 casualties so far. 357 invaders remain.

I watched in fascinated horror as the trap triggered, and the chicken and their riders plummeted over their heads, disappearing from sight in the now-liquified pool of sand.

Gretchen: Fire!

The line of four level three plasma towers unleashed their blue-hot flames on the sand, which immediately started to glow red. The lightning towers on the other side went to work, first the level three thunderclap towers to stun any survivors, and then chain lightning to bounce from survivor to survivor. A thick cloud of smoke rose into the night, made worse by the final tower, a level three freeze tower upgraded to cast Slick on the roadway, rapidly-cooling the glass and adding a white steam in the air.

Gretchen: Cease fire! Let’s see what’s left.

I watched, using the looking glass from the Ladies’ Choice tower.

Holy crap, I thought, looking at what had happened.

Gretchen: Hey Popper. How far away is the boss?

Poppy: You could probably read War and Peace by the time she gets there.

Gretchen: Good. You want some extra experience? Get your butt down here. But don’t take too long. I’m going to get some practice shots in with my new spear.

* * *

You have gained a level! You have received a training token.

You are now level 30. Accessory slot upgraded!

I spun, reveling in the god-like speed my new spear imparted on me, cutting down two more of the pale creatures. They spit and swore at me in a language I didn’t understand as I swept through them. I felt like that cartoon creature that turned into a tornado as he attacked.

I felt bad, almost. The chicken mounts were all dead. The bald-headed creatures—called Mikoshi-nyūdō—couldn’t fight back. A few had frozen in the glass with their hands above ground, but the vast majority of them—over 300 of them—were nothing but heads on long, rubber band necks, bobbing up and down like cotton swabs, screaming and wailing in agony, a glassy sea of tortured souls. The heads could stretch long and far, and they screamed as they waved ineffectually about.

The Orochi beasts appeared to be resistant to fire and immune to lightning, which is why most had survived. But they were trapped in the glass, which swirled about in odd, milky-red patterns. It crunched underfoot, but the top glass layer was still thick, thick enough to hold Alice’s weight.

Popper and Alice were like polo players, making a game of the slaughter. He leaned off the side of the hippo as he mowed through them with his axe, which he’d inexplicably renamed Battlefield Surgeon. He and Alice screamed joyfully, the heads flying away like dandelions under a weedwhacker.

“Level 25!” Popper called. A few minutes later, “Level 26!”

Alice took turns killing some of the high-experience monsters herself. She preferred the horn-in-the-face method of killing, but her giant maw could also slam down and crush a head easily. She sounded like she was crunching down on lollipops. The hippo giggled in delight.

“I love Orochi food!” she said, her mouth full.

“Eat as much as you can,” Popper said. “You’ll be hungry again in a few hours.”

Once they were all dead, I was halfway through level 30, and Popper and Alice were both level 27. Not bad.

He and Alice pulled up. “How come you didn’t call Bruce Bruce out?” Popper asked.

I hadn’t yet told anyone about the rejection.

“He’s homesick,” Alice interjected before I could respond. “We’ve been talking, and he misses his friends. He wants to go home.”

“You’ve been talking?” Popper asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, he’s okay. I guess,” Alice said. She had an eyeball stuck on one of her teeth, and it was hard to concentrate with it there.

I sighed, then told Popper what had happened. I looked at Alice.

“He’s very sensitive about this, so you don’t go giving him a hard time. I promised him I wouldn’t tell you because you’re mean to him.”

“I would never be mean to someone who is sad,” Alice said, sounding offended. “What sort of monster do you think I am?”

We separated, Popper going back to the defense cockpit to meet up with Jonah. Jonah would come back after his curse cycled.

We should have set this up much earlier in the path, but there was no way to know she’d be so slow. Every minute we wasted was a minute we couldn’t spend building for the next wave. I returned to my tower, settling in. While I waited, I alternated between writing in this journal and reading. I’d been reading Jonah’s book.

It was a strange, uncomfortable read. Everything he’d written was mostly accurate, but he perceived things much differently than I did. I’d forgotten most everything about that first night after we’d left Icardi, when I’d gotten so drunk I’d passed out. I promised myself I would never drink again. Not as long as I had people depending on me.

I came back to the Ladies’ Choice tower to find Tiatha reading the book, which I had left on the floor. The strange NPC had her head cocked to the side as she thumbed through the hand-copied pages.

“This is an odd book,” Tiatha said. It was the first time the druid had said anything on her own since I’d met her. “What is The Hibiscus? I’m not certain I understand what it’s saying here.”

I pulled the book out of her hands, trying to not let my voice quaver. “It’s just a story,” I said.

“It’s not for me?” she asked.

What an odd question.

“No,” I said.

Tiatha nodded. “The shaman was right about you.”

I had no idea how to respond to that. She blinked, moved back to her position, and said nothing further on the subject for a long time.

Then, out of nowhere she added, “It will mean war when the world learns who you really are. New gods are always challenged by the old.”

Gretchen Note 5

It was pushing four A.M. when Kiyohime rounded the bend. We’d ordered the towers not to shoot directly at her, but we’d lit torches along the path here so we could see. She was so small, a diminutive shadow of a woman, floating forward with her parasol.

I’d already felt out-of-sorts, not sure how to deal with what Tiatha had said. And then this demon appeared with her thousand-yard stare. It was a phrase synonymous with soldiers coming home from war, but it always made me think of my sister. She always seemed to be looking at something just over the horizon, showing no emotion whatsoever. Nadia was always cold and emotionless. Until she wasn’t. There was never any warning for her outbursts, her anger spewing out of her in a head-on-collision of rage and screaming.

Kiyohime picked her way over the bloody sea of glass, moving like a cold, detached robot. Just like Nadia. When I saw the woman, I had that same feeling as when I looked upon my sister. This is a live grenade.

Across the way stood the brand-new, level one freeze tower. Freeze towers required a minimum crew of five but were most effective with twelve. It required a lot of pumping and priming and the attachment of hoses. They were the most convoluted of the towers, but their upgrades at level three had the ability to slow down large groups of creeps.

I held my hand up as Kiyohime passed off the edge of the pool trap. She seemed oblivious to our presence. I hoped it remained that way for just a few more moments. My heart thrashed in my chest.

I aimed directly at her head. I lowered my hand, shouting “Fire.”

The freeze blast shot from the tower just as Tiatha pulled the trigger. The net arrow flew true, hitting her a mere second after she was rendered temporarily immobile by the freeze blast.

Jonah rushed forward from the side street along with Vern the half-ogre, Bingo and his three gorcupines, and Ace the bard, whose real name was actually Malik.

The loader slammed another net arrow into place as I watched the boss monster through the looking glass. The net had fully entangled her, rendering the woman immobile. She did not seem to fight. Bingo picked the woman up, slung her over his shoulder, and the small crew turned and ran toward Castle Four, the recently-cleared prison. A specially-made cell waited for her there.

“Okay guys,” I said to Tiatha and Cera. “Form up outside the prison with the others in case she blows it up or something.” I gathered up my items and rushed down the stairs, coming out into the cold, dark night.

Castle Four looked imposing from the outside. The tall, black, and daunting walls held no windows. Twin, obsidian parapets flanked the angular structure. Hobgoblins sometimes stood in those parapets shooting crossbows at you as you passed, but they weren’t real towers. Torches flickered in each of the two watchtowers now as I rushed up the main gate.

Entering Castle 4

This dungeon has been cleared.

I turned a few corners to find the group of warriors standing in front of a simple jail cell, looking upon the small woman who lay prone on the floor.

This was a blue cell, made for containing magical beasts. It was similar to the cells in the Menagerie. One could see and hear through the walls, but one could not pass through.

She was just starting to stir. Winston and another gorcupine stood on either side of the cell, their large hands on the failsafe levers we had installed earlier. One pull, and a hollowed-out square rock would drop from above, blocking her in. A second pull, and the two plasma tower ammunition orbs would drop into the hole in the rock, filling the enclosed space with enough plasma to incinerate anything. Archie said it was the same system the chamber imps used to dispose of bodies. Spritz and Archie had developed a third failsafe that basically dropped the entire castle on her. Hopefully we wouldn’t have to use any of them.

Chauncey the coypu was also here, clucking over the controls for the cells. He looked about nervously. He’d rarely left the castle since the waves started, and it was clear he didn’t want to be here now. We needed him to control the opening and closing of the jail cells. For some reason the game only allowed him to do so.

Jonah twirled Kiyohime’s parasol in his hands as he regarded her. “Jesus. She’s just looking at us. Are we sure she’s the real boss monster? We took her down so easily, and she hasn’t fought back at all.”

Archie came into the castle just behind me. He looked between the woman and the parasol in Jonah’s hands.

“Mate,” Archie said, an edge to the badger’s voice. It was the first time I’d ever heard the texugo sound like that. “Do me a favor and open up that cell door right quick.”

We all looked at him. “Why?” Jonah asked.

“Do it, mate. Trust me. Do it now. Get ready to close it straight away.”

Jonah nodded at Chauncey, who threw up his two little hands in frustration. “Whatever you wish, monsieur.”

A door-shaped hole appeared in the glowing, blue forcefield. Archie took a step toward Jonah, and quicker than I thought possible, snatched the parasol out of his hands and threw it at the open door.

The umbrella snapped open on its own, blocking itself from being put in the cell. Although the parasol appeared to be small, when it opened, it opened huge, with a diameter of at least 10 feet, causing us all to jump back in surprise. Dozens of screaming, fang-filled mouths were on the inside wall of the flesh-like umbrella.

“Get it in the cage,” I roared, jabbing my spear at it. Each jab penetrated the flesh-like skin but didn’t seem to do any damage.

Bingo grasped the handle of the umbrella and started pushing it forward toward the open door. The whole thing bent in on itself as he pushed, straining with the effort. It did not break. It did not go into the cell.

A long tongue lashed out from one of the mouths and wrapped around Bingo’s forearm, who grunted in surprise. Bingo inexplicably started being pulled toward one of the open mouths on the umbrella. More tongues lashed out, grasping at all of us.

I parried one with my spear, and it felt as if I was hitting against stone. Jonah spun away from a tongue, unfurling his blade as he spun. A quick lash with his sword, and Bingo was free.

Both Vern and Chauncey were caught up in similar tongues, being pulled toward the open mouths, which weren’t much bigger than normal human-sized mouths.

Jonah freed Vern, who howled and smashed at the umbrella with his maul, the hammer smashing ineffectively against it.

I jabbed at the tongue pulling Chauncey in, but I was too late.

The small, screaming creature was pulled to a mouth on the inside of the umbrella, where it clomped down on its furry arm. Chauncey screamed, his entire body turning purple. He started to swell like a balloon.

Archie had fallen back. He screamed, “Hit the deck! The little bugger is going to blow!”

I dove for the ground. Jonah dove also. Bingo did not. Nor did Vern or the other gorcupines in the line of fire.

Chauncey exploded, purple goo flying in every direction. It sizzled as it hit. I felt my back get sprinkled with burning, caustic fire. It continued to burn as I pulled my cloak off and tossed it away.

NPC Winston (Level 31, Berserker, Gorcupine) has died!

NPC Vern (Level 58, Warrior, Half-ogre) has died!

Several more notifications scrolled by as the room erupted into further chaos.

I pulled a healing potion free and downed it. The back of my leather breastplate felt loose, and I knew I would soon get a notification telling me it was ruined. Ace stood to the side, wide-eyed, unhurt. Jonah and Archie also appeared unhurt. Jonah was already on the move, rolling back toward the demon, blades severing each additional tongue as it flew out. The umbrella screamed.

Bingo lay on the ground, groaning. A purple skull was by his name, indicating a curse. Steam rose from several parts of his body. All of the gorcupines were dead. Chauncey was dead. Vern was dead. Just like that. Bingo would be dead in moments if we didn’t do something. A simple healing potion wouldn’t work on Bingo. He was suffering some sort of caustic curse. Thankfully I had avoided…

A skull flashed in my vision.

Damage taken! Damage taken!

I fell to my knees as the pain overwhelmed me.

Gretchen: Tiatha. Get in here now.

Poppy: What the fuck is going on? Pull the levers!

I looked at my notifications.

You’ve been cursed!

New Curse: Caustic Bleed. This curse expires in three minutes.

Achievement unlocked! Get cursed!

Tiatha came trotting into the dungeon. She raised her hand, healing Bingo. The curse notification didn’t go away, but as long as she kept healing us, we’d be okay.

Archie rushed forward, shouting at Ace. Archie pulled the first lever, causing the rock encasement to crash down on the woman. She hadn’t moved the whole time. She disappeared as the rock fell on top of her. The demon umbrella remained outside the cell, continuing to spar with Jonah. It seemed to have a neverending supply of tongues.

Was this Kiyohime demon the woman in the cell or was it the parasol? Or was the umbrella just a pet? Or the other way around?

Ace pulled the second lever, and we all fell back at the concussion. A moment later, the large rock glowed red.

Damage taken!

Damage taken!

“Tiatha, heal me!” I said.

She cocked her head to the side, looking at me. With a flick of the wrist, she healed Bingo again.

“Why?” she said to me. “You are a god. Gods don’t need healing.”

I pulled my last healing potion and downed it just as my vision started blinking red.

Damage taken!

Damage taken!

The curse’s effects were worse the closer we got to the three-minute mark.

I pulled myself up, and I sunk my spear into the umbrella, fiery pain filling my body. I jabbed so hard, the point embedded in the red-hot rock just behind the umbrella.

The long handle of the parasol, which had remained there, just jutting out, started to thrash. The mouths screamed in pain as the rock behind the umbrella burned against its skin.

“You gotta injure the top of it,” Jonah said. “The part touching the rock.”

Archie rushed forward and grasped the bucking, wood-like handle. The umbrella screamed again as Archie pushed.

“Where is Sandra the Learnt?” Jonah cried, coming alarmingly close to one of the mouths.

“Die human scum,” the umbrella said. “Akkorokamui will pull you to the depths of pain, and she will take this world for her own.”

Damage taken!

Damage taken!

“I am not a god, Tiatha. You have it wrong. I need to be healed, or I am going to die.”

“Gods don’t die. Do not worry. You will come back. Remember when you were shot in the neck with the arrow? It’s all in the book. You died and came back right away.”

“Tiatha,” Bingo grumbled, groggily getting to his feet. “Heal her now. That is an order.”

Jonah, oblivious to this conversation, continued to scream at the umbrella demon.

“Ace,” Jonah called. “Cast your spell.”

The auric came forward. He strummed a few chords on his lute, the song oddly filling the room, more so than usual. He cast Compel Truth.

“Where is Sandra the Learnt?” Jonah asked again.

Bingo reached forward and physically picked up Tiatha, shaking her. “Heal her now.”

“No,” Tiatha said.

“She is nearby. Very close,” the umbrella hissed.

“Where?” Jonah demanded.

The demon answered, but I didn’t hear what it said.

Bingo squeezed Tiatha. She healed Bingo even as he did it. I cried to protest, but I was too weak. Don’t hurt her. I need to make her understand. If you kill her, you’re unleashing her back into the world.

NPC Tiatha (Level 44, Druid, Auric) has died!

Jonah spun at the notification, looking wide-eyed at the scene behind him.

The curse notification flashed, and I felt myself let go, making sure I still clutched onto my spear, so I wouldn’t lose it. I felt myself moving as I died. I peeled open an eye, and the last thing I saw was the massive dragon emerging from the broken rock of the crushed jail cell.

You have died! Half your progress to level 31 lost!

Entering The River.

Jonah Note 17

I fell back as I saw the notification of Gretchen’s death. No. Not now. I cursed myself for not paying attention.

The umbrella thing was dead, torn in two by the exploding rock. Both Ace and I had blown back and barely escaped being squashed ourselves. It’d happened so fast. Only Bingo, Archie, Ace, and I remained.

Kiyohime—I was assuming Kiyohime was the girl-dragon thing and not the umbrella—had survived the double plasma wash, and she had turned into a dragon, breaking out of the rock containment the moment the umbrella told me where Sandra the Learnt was.

“Where do you think she is?” the umbrella had hissed. “Who do you think is opening all these portals? She is where she belongs, working for her master.”

“What do you mean?” I’d asked. “She’s with Akkorokamui? She’s in the white jacket barracks in Quibou?”

“Yes, no, yes!” the demon hissed, fighting against the bard magic. “She is in Quibou. But…”

Then the notification came that Tiatha was dead, and I twirled, seeing the chaos behind me. I scrambled for a healing potion, not understanding why Bingo held Tiatha’s lifeless body in his hand, and why Tiatha seemed so damn happy about it. The dead auric had a smile on her lips, the biggest grin I’d ever seen from the healer. Bingo had both a curse marker and a murderer marker by his name, though the curse was blinking, indicating it was about to expire.

Gretchen died as the dragon emerged, uncoiling from the rock and shooting past us as it rocketed toward the exit. This was a long, serpent-like dragon, Asian style. It alternated brilliant red and white scales with yellow highlights, and the monster just kept coming and coming, unravelling itself as if it was emerging from a bottomless pit. Its body was the width of the room.

“Get on its back,” Archie called. “Jump up there before it’s gone. Peel away some of its scales!”

Without thinking, I rushed toward the beast, leaping into the air, landing hard against its back. The thing had no arms or legs at all, and it appeared to be floating just off the ground. It had to be at least 15 feet across.

Peel away some scales. I clung on for dear life as I rushed out into the night air, sweeping past the wide eyes of the archers and fighters we had surrounding the castle. Ahead, arrows bounced ineffectively against it.

It flew, low to the ground, but it flew, undulating its way down the path, slithering through the air. I’d seen creatures such as this before, flying through the air above Valisa. They weren’t quite dragons. They were a bit smaller, but still huge. I bobbed up and down, clutching onto the furry mane down the serpent’s back. It seemed oblivious to my presence.

Peel away some scales, I thought again. Archie’s idea. It was a good idea. If the armor was gone, the triplets would have a target. But each scale was only the size of a small tea saucer. Could they hit something that small?

No, probably not. I’d have to peel away a lot. And it had to be over something vital.

Notifications scrolled by. A quest update for Sandra the Learnt. Popper was screaming something into the chat. I couldn’t see. I was moving so fast, faster even than the chickens had been moving. Gretchen was dead. All the gorcupines dead, except Bingo. Vern was dead. Chauncey was dead. Tiatha was dead.

I tugged on one of the scales, but it didn’t move. I pulled out, tugged up, tried to bend it back. Nothing. I unfurled Triple Fang from my waist, holding it in my hand, still curled. I didn’t think the weapon would help in this situation, but I gained a point to strength when I held it. A scale wriggled now.

Not here. This is too far back on its body. I started to pull myself forward. It seemed the head of the dragon was a mile away.

The beast roared as towers started to fire upon it. It took me a moment to register that I was also in danger. Lightning crackled, diffusing along the dragon’s scales, giving me a jolt.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: All towers cease fire! Cease fire! Freeze towers, hit it in the head only. I’m on the back of that thing. You’re gonna hit me.

Poppy: Jesus Christ, Jonah. Get the hell off of it!

We crashed through a barracks arch, not even slowing down. Soldiers scattered as we passed. A freeze tower bolt slammed into the dragon’s head, causing it to noticeably slow. The effect would last 10 seconds. I took the opportunity to run up the back, gaining distance, keeping to the shaggy mane of the creature so I could hold on when it jolted. If it wasn’t for my god-like dexterity of 23, there was no way I’d be able to stay on this thing’s back.

We crossed the Cassagnac, putting us in range of the triplets. We’d soon be at the entrance to the Catacombs, and I had to get the scales peeled off by then.

The dragon had a triceratops-like frill on the top of its giant head. I pulled myself the twenty meters forward to just behind the bony protuberance, picking a spot on the back of its neck. A single, cockeyed scale sat there, nestled in with the others. I pulled off the scale, awkwardly trying to grip it while still holding my sword. It wiggled, pulling away like a not-quite-ready-to-go tooth, pulling free with a pop that almost dislodged me from the dragon’s back.

The beast roared, bobbing up and down. Underneath the scale was white, fleshy skin, hot to the touch. It smelled oddly of incense.

“Yeah, you felt that didn’t you?” I said, pulling at the second scale, wishing I had a pair of pliers. The dragon screamed again, twisting around, trying to bite at me. I was too far up its back. I peeled a third, then a fourth. They were coming easier now that I’d started a hole. The dragon continued to rage.

Gretchen: I’m back. What’s happening?

Poppy: It’s best you don’t know. You might want to just stay there.

Gretchen was out of town, having regenerated in a small, hidden shack on the side of the road on the outskirts of Castellane. We’d picked that as a good place to escape, but getting back into the city would take some time. We’d stocked the shack with supplies and jacks in case we had to run. But if she wanted back, she’d have to circle all the way around.

I figured I’d need at least a meter-wide hole for the triplets to have any hope of hitting it. I pulled another scale off. Then, as I tried to pull the next scale, the dragon turned on its side, smashing itself headfirst into the side of an archer tower.

I jumped, bouncing hard off the far edge of the dragon and skidding across the cobblestones, pain flaring as I spun to a stop. I pulled a healing potion, downing it as I pulled myself to my feet. Damnit! The area on the dragon’s back was about one square foot, much too small.

The dragon twisted toward me, roaring, its wide bulk sparking as it brushed against the shimmering path of the spiral. Oh fuck. I ran, aiming toward the wreckage of the tower, diving just as it breathed fire at me.

The flames crashed against the iridescent spiral wall, arcing upwards and spiraling back on themselves in a curl. Heat washed over me, despite the protection of the magic barrier. The dragon smashed its head against the magical field a few times in anger. Its head was the size of a semi truck. The face reminded me of Mistress Wuj from the mind guild. A lifetime ago. It snorted then turned back down the path.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Okay everybody. Its weak spot is a small patch on the back of its neck, just below its head. Aim there. Sorry I couldn’t make it bigger. Fire at will.

Popper Note 21

Starr: Its big head thing is in the way. We won’t be able to hit it until it crosses the river again.

Kitty Chapman: We’ll only get one shot at this. Once it turns off the bridge, that weak spot won’t be vulnerable again.

I swore, watching the dot rocket across the map. I stood upon the map, pacing back and forth. I kept accidentally kicking pieces with my feet, but they were solidly glued into place during an active wave. Spritz clicked worriedly as she circled the map. The only others in the room were Alice, Nale, and the two guards, a half-ogre and an auric mage. Everyone else was either dead or on tower duty.

Bruce Bruce entered the room, his head low. He’d been upset at the news of Gretchen’s death. He circled a few times then sat next to Alice, who whispered some words of encouragement to him. He turned on his side, and she nuzzled him. I turned my attention back to the map.

Jonah had pissed the dragon off even further. It’d just dived into the Catacombs and was crashing about within. No doubt it would come out unscathed.

I read the quest update again.

Quest update. Missing Maps.

After the interrogation of Kasa-obake, the treachery of Sandra the Learnt has been revealed. Hunt down this vile traitor to the Dominion Crown and execute the King’s justice.

If Sandra the Learnt is not killed or incapacitated before the start of the fifth and final wave, she will continue to open portals, adding more beasts to the demon’s final assault. The portals will continue to open until the turncoat is found.

Fucking hell. We were going to have to turn Quibou upside down.

But first we had to survive this wave. Gretchen was stuck outside the city, and it’d take at least a couple hours for her to circle around and get back in. Jonah rushed back to the castle. At the rate the dragon was going, it would be here before Jonah would. The dragon had crashed through the last barracks, sweeping aside defenders like they were nothing. I’d seen similar dragon creatures run amok before, and it usually took a damn army to take one down. After it cleared the Catacombs, its only real obstacles were the Gardens and then the Menagerie. It flew, so it wouldn’t activate any more traps. If the Sentinel Tower couldn’t hit that shot from almost two miles away, the dragon would hit this castle, and all three of us would instantly die.

I’d sent Ace scurrying back to the triplets, but he also had to climb the stairs. All three of the triplets were bitching they couldn’t do this without their music. Unless the dragon was seriously delayed, Ace wouldn’t get there in time. I also sent runners out to light that damn bridge up like a Vegas casino. If they missed this shot, we were absolutely fucked.

It took the dragon less than ten minutes to clear the Catacombs. The strange tower at the Butcher’s Delight only had the chance to fire one shot, but the magical bolt reflected off the beast’s head, doing nothing. The dragon crashed through the gate, sending the last of the melee defenders scattering.

It rocketed through the empty Castle Five, former home of the Hell Gate. It ignored the volleys of a few fire and arrow towers and approached the last river crossing, where the triplets would take their one and only shot.

My dad had always been obsessed with reading stories about battleships during the second world war. Some of my earliest memories are of me sitting at his feet, playing a game I’d made up called checkers solitaire while he read me first-person accounts of soldiers who’d survived the sinking of their warships.

While I knew this was nothing compared to that real horror, I at least now had an inkling of how those soldiers felt, trapped and impotent on their ships, watching death descend upon them in the form of Japanese warplanes. They only had the barest, slimmest hopes in the form of their own defenders, oftentimes too poorly equipped to hold back the inevitable enemy wave.

It does something to you, knowing your own fate is no longer fully in your hands. It’s a hard feeling to describe. It’s almost like having the ground underneath you start to tip more and more, and you find yourself slipping away, with nothing to hang onto. There’s so much to grab, to keep safe, but how can you keep it safe when you’re also tipping away with it?

Poppy: Okay ladies. Here it comes.

Starr: We’re lining up the shot, nice and steady. Shot will be clear in a few seconds.

Crystal: Ace isn’t back yet. It’s too quiet.

Poppy: We’re going to have to do this without him.

Starr: We are lined up and tracking.

Kitty Chapman: Firing now.

I held my breath, my heart thrashing in my chest. This was it. We would either live or die. I couldn’t see if it hit, only if it had been killed.

Starr: It’s a hit! The dragon is on the ground!

Poppy: Yes! Fucking yes!

Gretchen: Good job, ladies.

Jonah: Guys, it’s not dead. I can see it from here. There’s a huge scorch mark on the back, but it’s getting up. We didn’t do it.

My heart sank. Oh shit, oh shit.

You’re slipping away. You’ve failed them. You’ve failed them all. Just like with Juliette and Molly and Sam. You tried. But when it’s you against the odds, there is no goddamned second place.

I watched the dot on the map start to move again. It turned the corner, smashing its way through the Gardens, bowling over the gargoyles like bowling pins. It moved even faster now. It probably had a Juggernaut ability, which made it faster and more powerful the more damaged it was. It was a common skill for boss monsters.

The dot represented death. Gretchen and I would die, and we’d regenerate on the outskirts of town. The dragon would proceed to pull the castle apart, and there would be nothing we could do about it. Would the event end? Or would we be forced to stay here until that unending final wave was over? I didn’t know.

Jonah would be gone. He was level 36. That meant if he died, his curse would force him to withstand 36 straight hours of torture. He’d already told us he wouldn’t be able to survive that. Not 36 hours, not 36 minutes, not 36 seconds. If he died, he would auto eject to the sanitarium, using the escape loophole. That meant an eternity of staring at a loading screen, unable to move or get out or sleep or even close his eyes. Thousands of years. I shuddered at the thought.

I took a deep breath. I couldn’t let that happen. There was one last thing I could do for him.

“Nale,” I said, jumping off the table. “Take your mage friend and get to King Jonah. Execute the plan. Do it now. Tell me when you’re close.”

Nale nodded as I pulled myself up onto Alice. “Come on, Alice. We got a date with a dragon.”

Jonah Note 18

I rushed toward the fast-moving wyrm, angling to cut it off. It would soon crash through the Menagerie. After it emerged, I’d try to jump on its back again. While Triple Fang was one of the best weapons in the game, it wasn’t a piercing weapon, and it would be useless here. I clutched onto a simple spear I’d taken from a fallen defender at the last barracks. I would use all of my strength to jab the weapon into the soft spot.

My skill level with the weapon was six.

The Menagerie was a great obstacle for slowing the approach of a large group of monsters, but it was practically useless against a single creature. It activated once a monster was already at the far end of the covered walkway, meaning the first creature through could usually exit out the other side before the beasts attacked.

The trap required Chauncey, the master of obstacles, to properly reset. He’d press a button or cast a spell or something, and the loose creatures would be automagically sucked back into their cells. The dead from the Menagerie did not regenerate.

But Chauncey was dead, having blown up like a can of beets in the microwave. That meant the creatures would, what? Roam free at the end of the wave? I didn’t know. Maybe Oliver the Beastmaster would be able to do something. I didn’t know.

We currently had multiple tormented dwarves, a few moles, some pazuzu, several of those lightning and fire peludas, that weird walrus thing with the bigger-on-the-inside stomach, and a cage completely full of pong flies. Bingo and company had also captured a pair of full-blooded ogres for the very first cage, who would’ve been perfect for creating a stopgap at the tight entrance to the Menagerie.

All that work for nothing. What a damn waste.

I approached a level one arrow tower, one of the last towers in the spiral, flanking the short stretch to the final bridge that led to the island and Fort Bloodgasm. The sun had started to rise on the city, and an orange glow filled the world. These towers were the shortest of them all, and they had open tops. I would leap off the top of the tower with my spear, hopefully driving it home when I landed on the monster’s back.

It was a dumb idea. It was the only idea I had left.

“King Jonah,” a voice cried as I approached. I turned to see two NPCs and a bear trotting up. It was Nale, Bruce Bruce, and another NPC I didn’t recognize, an auric mage of some sort.

I paused, surprised at the sight of Bruce Bruce, who never left the castle without Gretchen. He walked a few steps behind the other two, his head down.

“What’s happening? What do you need?” I asked, looking over my shoulder. I couldn’t see the location of the dragon, but it had to be approaching the Menagerie now. Lance after ineffectual lance streaked through the sky from the Sentinel Tower, giving me a bearing on the dragon’s location. It would be on us in a couple minutes. Starr screamed constant obscenities into the chat.

The auric mage appeared to be chanting, casting a spell. What was happening?

Nale: Popper. We have located King Jonah. We are here at the final approach to the castle.

Poppy: Are you standing on or off the spiral path?

Nale: We are just off the path.

Poppy: Jonah. I’m sorry. Alice and I are going to try this thing. It’s probably not going to work. But I gotta do this now before I die because by the time I regenerate, it will be too late.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Do what? What the hell is going on?

You have been honorably discharged from your service.

Warning! You will not be able to rejoin the war effort for 24 hours upon discharge. You must leave the country of Libri for at least 12 hours before you may rejoin the war effort.

Thank you for your service. You have been awarded a medal!

Achievement unlocked! Receive a war service medal.

Warning! You have entered a zone of active war.

A portal appeared. It crackled with electricity, forming just a few feet behind me.

“It worked,” Nale said, looking at the auric, who’d just cast the spell. He sounded excited, and he spoke quickly, like a child who’d just discovered something momentous. I stared at the portal, dumbfounded as Nale started babbling about protection walls and movement spells and his theories about travel.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: You little motherfucking cocksucker. You expect me to just go through it? Fuck you, Popper. This isn’t your decision to make. Gretchen, were you in on this bullshit, too?

Gretchen: What’s happening? What’s going on?

Poppy: It was just me, kid. And I don’t give a shit if you approve or not.

“…wasn’t certain we’d be able to cast a Portal spell within the city limits,” Nale was saying. “Definitely not on the spiral path, but there’s some residual protection within the city, especially so close to the spiral wall. It’s similar to the vortex traps. Those only work because they’re one-way. It looks like this is also one-way. It’s to Harmony, by the way. Regent Popper wanted it to go to the moon auric capital of Kosil, but we’d talked him out of it because the Harmony portals are inherently more powerful due to the nexus of the …”

I never got to hear the rest. Bruce Bruce charged, bowling me over as we both flew into the open portal.

Popper Note 22

Gretchen: Popper… I don’t disagree with what you just did. But we’re a team. We need to discuss this sort of thing ahead of time.

Poppy: No time Gretchen. Yell at me after I regenerate.

The dragon approached the Menagerie. I had maybe thirty seconds.

One of the moves I’d been practicing with Alice was something we called a “Buck Jump.” I didn’t have the proper dexterity required for this to be awesome, but it would be enough to get me onto its back. Hopefully. The move basically required me to crawl to Alice’s backside and to jump just as she threw herself into a forward roll. I’d catapult headlong off her back, flying high into the air.

Normally I’d use my Feather Fall to keep myself from splattering the landing. Today I would aim for the mane and hope I didn’t just sail right past. I slung Battlefield Surgeon over my back and pulled Dolly Trauma.

Nale said that Bruce Bruce had followed them out there, and they hadn’t been able to shoo him away. At the last moment, he’d tackled Jonah, and they’d both gone through the portal together. Gretchen and Jonah could both swear at me, yell at me, or even hate me. I didn’t care. It was the right thing to do.

“If I die,” I yelled down to Alice, who grunted with the effort of her full gallop, “go somewhere in the city and hide until we can get back together. Do not come out of hiding unless I say something. Do not go back to the castle and do not sleep unless you absolutely have to.”

The way pet regen spots worked was similar to player regen, and she’d appear where she last slept if she died. She’d been with me when we’d reset earlier in the small shack outside the city. It’d almost be better if she died, too. Almost. I couldn’t bring myself to just let her die. It’d only happened once so far, and she’d had a really tough time with it. Sometimes she murmured in her sleep about chinchillas and exterminating them all.

“If you die, I will kill you myself,” Alice grunted as we approached the dragon.

The monster was huge, a long worm of a creature, not quite like a real dragon. More like a sea serpent that could fly. It had the head of a giant Wuj, a weird hive-mind creature that featured prominently in a lot of game events. There were thousands of the Wuj creatures, but they were all of one mind. Most of them were game guides, masters of mind guilds where noobs would go to learn how to control the menus. People called them floating dragon heads, but Juliette had once told me that they were really modeled after a Chinese lion dance parade costume. She was always smart with that stuff.

The monster hadn’t yet reached the Menagerie, having been slowed down by a line of freeze towers. The lone Muzzle tower that stood between it and the Menagerie entrance began to pelt the dragon.

We approached the shimmering blue wall that indicated the edge of the spiral. I yelled into the chat for everyone to cease fire, and I lifted myself up on Alice’s back, crouching low and praying I wouldn’t lose my balance. We’d practiced this dozens of times, but never at this speed. The massive head gave us no heed as we approached from the side.

“Okay Alice,” I cried. “Buck jump in three, two, one, now!”

I leaped into the air as she rolled forward. I felt myself flying, and I had to resist the urge to panic-jab the Feather Fall notification.

I smashed into the bushy mane, which had the consistency of charred hemp rope. I grasped a strand with my left hand as I crashed to a stop atop the creature, just a few feet from where Jonah had peeled away the scales. The rope snapped away in my hand, and I grasped a second one, pulling myself up. It smelled of burned flesh up here, and the mane was hot to the touch, like it’d just been pulled from the fire.

Alice galloped alongside the dragon, smashing her head into the side. At any moment, the freeze debuff would wear off, and the dragon would speed back up. I pulled myself forward, jumping at the bare spot, plunging Dolly Trauma into the wound.

I stabbed and I stabbed, over and over again, waiting, praying for the notification. Each stab had a 1.5 percent chance of activating. One of these had to do…

Transfiguration triggered!

This spell is ineffective against this enemy.

“Fuck,” I cried. Boss monsters were often immune to spells like that. I slipped Dolly Trauma back into my dress and pulled Battlefield Surgeon. I started to hack at the bloody mess of the dragon’s back. It roared and twisted.

Blood splashed against me, burning. This is a demon. Not a dragon. A demon. Demon blood was caustic. It burned like acid. I quickly downed a healing potion and my last barkskin potion. Barkskin didn’t fully protect against caustic blood, but it made it 75% less effective.

I realized, belatedly, that we were now inside the long row of cages of the Menagerie. The glass ceiling of the obstacle was a mere ten feet above me. All around me, beasts threw themselves at the walls of their magical cages. The closeness of the cages kept the dragon from turning on its side, dislodging me. The dragon had stopped dead, enraged at my efforts to attack it. If it moved just a few feet forward, it would trigger the trap.

Why wasn’t the dragon moving? I hacked and hacked with my axe, screaming. I became aware of the glowing red button in the corner of my vision, getting bigger and bigger. I would go berserk at any moment.

It’s the Muddy effect, I realized. The spell from my axe appeared to be stackable. It slowed the monster down by 25% each time. I’d frozen it in place for a good minute.

Disheartening triggered!

This spell is ineffective against this enemy.

I didn’t care anymore. I had a new plan. I’d already dug myself waist-deep into the gore of the dragon. My dress sizzled, and my legs tingled with pain. With the barkskin protection it felt as if I was standing within a really hot bathtub. I popped open my spell menu and prepared to hit Self-Destruct. I had to do it now before I went berserk.

“No, little warrior,” a voice boomed from behind me. I felt myself lift into the air.

I twisted, screaming and swinging my axe before realizing I was being held in the firm grip of a gorcupine. He’d somehow climbed up onto the back of the dragon also.

“Bingo,” I cried. “Let me go!” The berserk notification continued to grow. It would auto-trigger at any moment.

“I have failed my people, my clan,” Bingo said. He shook me like a rag, flinging the caustic blood off my legs. “They are all dead except for me. All dead because I was not strong enough to keep them alive. In the arena, it is easy to survive when you are strong. You see, you kill. Here in this real world, the dangers are sometimes surprising and hidden. I did not see this umbrella demon. I did not know this small woman could turn into such a beast. This is my failure. I shall finish this, not you.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I cried as he gently placed me down behind him. I stood on the trembling back of the dragon in the midst of the rope-like mane. My berserk seemed to abate. My dress fell apart. I stood barefoot on the back of the dragon, everything having burned away.

He raised his hands. “Do you not see where we are? We are in the Menagerie. This is where I was born, little warrior. I know my memories tell me I was born somewhere else, in a country called Rutogbe. My memories are lies. I know that now. This is where I was truly born. It is an honor to die here as well.”

With that, he flared out his quills and dove head-first into the small pool of gore at the back of the dragon’s neck. He pulled and bit and yanked, going deeper and deeper into the beast, who cried out and shuddered with pain. Bingo’s body sizzled as he disappeared, digging fast like a mole into the dirt.

I scrambled back, astonished. I held on for dear life as the dragon started to thrash. I felt my body glow, and I looked down to see Alice looking up at me. She’d squeezed herself between the cages and the dragon. She’d cast Heal on me, a skill she’d learned when we hit level 20.

The dragon shuddered a few more times, and then it collapsed to the ground.

NPC Bingo (Level 54, Berserker, Gorcupine) has died!

Experience earned! Experience earned!

You have gained a level!

You have received a training token.

You have gained a level!

You have received a training token.

You are now level 29. Your pet is now level 29.

Wave 4 of 5 complete.

You have received a reward! 25,000 jacks have been added to your account. You have received three training tokens!

You have received a bonus reward! You may choose a class-based spell for free. You may choose this spell at any Barbarian Guild.

War Party> Spiral systems deactivating.

War Party> Spiral systems are now offline, and it is safe to traverse the spiral path. Chamber imps have been dispatched to reset the traps and clear corpses.

War Party Admin> Warning! You have traps that need to be reloaded.

War Party Admin> Warning! You have barracks that have been destroyed and need to be repaired.

War Party Admin> Warning! Your city does not have a Master of Obstacles!

I climbed down off the dead dragon and plopped onto Alice’s back.

“You’re naked,” Alice said. “And you banished King Jonah for nothing.”

“It had to be done,” I said, though I wasn’t sure if that was true or not. I wasn’t going to let myself feel bad about it. That asshole was going to get himself killed, and I had to protect him. “I got a couple backup dresses in my pack. Take us back to Fort Bloodgasm.”

Alice sighed. “We both got assist experience for killing the dragon. I’m going to miss Bingo. I really liked that guy.”

I nodded. I felt as if I’d been run over by a truck. “Me too, Alice. Me too.”

Jonah Note 19

Entering Harmony

Warning! Your city is under siege!

Page after neverending page of notifications scrolled by as I hit the ground, shaking my head. All the notifications I couldn’t receive while I was stuck in the country of Libri appeared, one after another, including all the city and Dominion and war event notifications. Multiple panicked communications from Larus and Larissa scrolled by. The scrolling stopped, but my screen filled with persistent notifications that I had to individually click away. There appeared to be over 50 pages of them.

The glowing portal clicked away as I got to my feet.

I rapidly clicked through them, my mind reeling at everything that had just happened and everything that had been happening here in Harmony. As I read the notifications and messages, one after another, my horror started to rise.

We stood in the abandoned main obelisk park of Harmony, a massive pavilion a couple miles southeast of Castle Harmony, in the place called Cal Anderson park in the real world. Nobody appeared to be outside.

In the distance, both east and west of the city, explosions rocked the night. We’d gone from early dawn to darkness. My heart lurched when I saw the time. We’d gone from 6:53 A.M. to 9:53 P.M.

Popper, you asshole. You couldn’t wait six minutes to backstab me? Since I’d jumped back in time, I didn’t know if my curse would trigger or not. I suspected it would, because that’s what this damn game liked to do. It liked to fuck you over in every possible way.

Bruce Bruce the bear looked at me sheepishly. He cringed as another explosion filled the night.

“Please do not be upset, King Jonah,” the bear said. “I was scared of the fighting, and I wanted to go home. Popper wanted you to be safe. He did not know I was going to come through the portal with you. I am sorry I tackled you. Nale was going to cast a spell to push you, but I wanted to go home too.” He looked off into the distance. “I did not know there would be big booms here, too. I do not like them. I hope my friends are okay.”

I understood what Popper did. I didn’t like it. But I understood. I didn’t have time to think about that now.

I had 500,000 hobgoblins currently besieging my city on the east, having inexplicably arrived a month early; a massive fleet of warships bombarding the city from the west; a usurper sitting on my throne; and a curse that was probably about to cycle, with no way to stop it. And all I had to help me was a bear who didn’t want to fight anymore.

“Bruce Bruce,” I said. I ducked as yet another explosion rocked the city. This one came from the west, where the wall had appeared to have miraculously been repaired, though it was about to crumble again. “Have you ever heard the expression ‘out of the frying pan and into the fire?’”

“No,” Bruce Bruce said. “But my friend Alice has taught me a traditional saying that I think fits right now. It goes, ‘Bite the pillow. They’re going in dry.’”

Part 3

Unknown Note 5

“What are these for?” I asked. I picked one up. They were small computer chips in gray static bags. Each one was no bigger than my thumbnail. Ricky had a pile of about a hundred of them. The writing on the bag was all in Chinese.

“Be careful,” Ricky said. “They’re not paid for yet.”

We sat in Monobrow Sam’s small, one-bedroom apartment. Juliette and I had just moved in a few doors down into one of the two-bedroom versions.

“Okay, but what are they?” I asked again.

“They’re bypass chips,” Ricky said. “This batch is specially made for Penn power, so if they’re on the DLC grid, you gotta use another chip. I have those also, but I don’t want to get them mixed up. The way it works is easy. You gotta wait for a brownout. You go into the meter, pop out the existing controller chip and pop this one in. It tells the meter they’re using about half the electricity they’ve been using. They’re smart chips, too. It eases it down by about 10% each month until you’re at 50%, so it doesn’t trigger an investigation.” He waved the baggie in the air. “The guy was insistent that you gotta do it during a brownout. You can’t just cut off the power to the house and install it. It has something to do with the way the chips talk to each other. You can’t put too many of them close to each other, too.”

I looked at the tiny chip dubiously. I’d just seen a thing on the news about some guys who’d been busted jacking the grid. One of them caught ten years in prison.

There was a shortage. People couldn’t afford air conditioners anymore. Instead of central heating, people were using wood-burning stoves. I’d been out of a steady paycheck for almost a year. They had the tech for renewable energy. Japan and most of Europe had a system in place for a over a decade now. Even the damn Canadians had jumped on the bandwagon. It wasn’t until it was too late did they even think about trying it over here. I was sure that by the time we Americans fully adapted the solar battery system, we would have already resorted to cannibalism.

They’d already installed an essential grid in our building, but it was a joke. You couldn’t pull more than 15 amps for the whole damn apartment on it. My computer and gaming rig alone pulled more than that. Juliette used the red outlets for the refrigerator and the fan in Molly’s nursery, and that was it.

“How much are they?” Sam asked. He sat next to me, also examining one of the packets.

“I have to pay the guys $25 for each one. They recommend selling them for $200. I figure between the three of us if we each sell one or two a day, it’ll be enough to tide us over. We gotta sell them 100% face-to-face, offline. We can’t say a word about it online. None of this Craigslist bullshit. The DoE is cracking down, and they have sniffers out there, so be careful. We gotta install them ourselves, too. We can’t just give someone a chip, because they’ll fuck it up and then roll on us when they’re caught. But once they’re installed properly, they’re invisible. A tech won’t be able to tell the difference unless he actually goes to the location and manually compares what the house is pulling with the readout. And even then there’s a panic-button on the app that’ll reset it.”

I raised an eyebrow. “There’s an app for the chip?”

Ricky nodded. “It replaces the existing one the Penn chips already have. It’s indistinguishable from the hundreds of other smart home controllers out there. Don’t worry, I’ll show you how to do all of it. The shit’s easy.”

Sam started counting on his fingers, eyes going wide. “Do you really think we can sell that many?”

“Wait, who are these guys?” I asked. “How’d you meet them?”

Ricky always had some sort of hustle going. I’d first met him a few years back when we’d worked a remodel job together. He wasn’t like the rest of us. He had that hair and that easy smile. I’d taken to calling him “pretty boy.” He always seemed to have more money than he should. A nicer car than he should, and more women than he should. He’d spent some time dating Trudy, Sam’s little sister before she threw him out. After that it was Juliette. It’s how I’d met her.

We didn’t talk about Juliette. It was an unspoken rule between me and Ricky. He didn’t ask about Juliette and Molly, and I didn’t ask him about child support for the beautiful little girl he abandoned.

“You don’t need to worry about them,” Ricky said. “I got it all under control.”

Sam held the chip up to the light. “We’re going to make so much money!”

Popper Note 23

Fucking Ricky, I thought for the thousandth time. Dead for thousands of years, and I still couldn’t get the fucker out of my head.

Gretchen slept on the floor in the defense cockpit, curled up next to Alice. Gretchen had spent the day going back and forth between directing Spritz and talking to Jonah, who I’d dropped into a goddamned war zone hotter than this one. I knew I shouldn’t have let Nale talk me into sending him to Harmony. Though if I’d tossed him to the moon aurics, he’d probably just have turned around and started walking back toward Harmony. Or here. The kid was a damn boy scout.

I felt sick about what I’d done. Not sorry. But sick. It was an impossible choice, but I knew in my heart it was the correct one. Still, Jonah was pissed. Not as pissed as I thought he would be. He was too preoccupied with his own impossible bullshit. He had a plan, though. The dude always had a plan. It’s what I loved about him.

Gretchen was another story. She was way more pissed than Jonah was, even though she agreed with me sending him away. Women, man. I could live another 14,000 years, and I still wouldn’t understand them.

Even Archie the texugo seemed mad at me for sending Jonah away. The sapper moved from trap to trap on the large map, angrily going about his work, sometimes rushing away to go visit the location, mumbling something under his breath about doing all this for nothing.

Spritz was currently upgrading the Sentinel Tower to level three, which Gretchen insisted would make it super powerful. I hoped so. The upgrade took ten precious hours.

Raj: Another portal has opened. More of the demons with the water bowls on their heads!

Poppy: Okay, thanks buddy. See anything this time?

Raj: Raj does not see where it’s coming from! We even searched the hotel again to be sure!

Granger and several other scouts were spread out around the outskirts of Quibou, seeking out the source of the portals. We couldn’t risk sending them in now as the pavilion was filled with several thousand demons from Orochi, mostly kappas and oni so far. The demons had started to patrol the streets. The pattern had been the same. Every two hours, a new portal would open and stay open for about ten minutes. During that time, demons would pour out and form a loose formation in the city. Each time it was about 2,500 troops. It had now happened ten times, leaving about 25,000 enemy fighters ready to attack. At this rate, there’d be about 90,000 demons when the gate opened, not including Akkorokamui, who had yet to show herself.

The portals would continue to open even after the wave started. I feared Sandra the Learnt was probably hidden inside the white jacket compound, which meant she’d be impossible to get to until Akkorokamui left and started moving through the spiral.

Still, it bugged me. We’d searched the entirety of that place. We’d found the demon, but we hadn’t seen the polecat. Where else could she be?

If she wasn’t in the stronghold, Raj was in the best position to spot her location. So far he’d come up empty. Nale suggested we find a Psionicist to root her out, which was a dark cleric subclass. They were similar to harbingers but were good at locating magical sources. It was a rare subclass, and it didn’t look like we had one in the city. Gretchen said she had an idea, but it required her to level up her drawing skill for some inexplicable reason. She’d spent the morning drawing pictures of Bruce Bruce, Alice, and some little girl with sad, hollowed-out eyes while she talked to Jonah over chat. She wasn’t a very good artist, but she leveled up the skill a few times. Once she’d hit level four, she moved to sculpting little sheep figurines with some clay we’d found in one of the abandoned bedrooms. She had a whole row of them. She was much better at that than drawing. Finally, she sighed with satisfaction then went to sleep for an hour to reset her regen.

In the meantime, I worked with Colonel Holder to plan our defenses. Ninety-thousand plus invaders was an insane amount. Luckily so far all the creeps were creatures we knew how to kill. Both kappa and oni were strong melee fighters, but they went down easily with traps and towers. After Archie finished tweaking and upgrading the existing traps, he said he had just enough time for two more big ones. One would be an old school, Indiana Jones-style rolling ball. The next one he called “The Ghost Ship,” whatever that meant.

That left the boss monster, Akkorokamui. I reviewed what we knew about her. It wasn’t much. She was a demon mage, and she was powerful enough to kill Rochus, one of the strongest mages in the game. She was a boss demon monster from one of the most difficult areas of the game. She was some sort of octopus thing, and guessing from the last boss, I wagered she would probably turn into a giant, scary-ass monster.

I shuddered, remembering the final battle of the last world event I’d participated in, the one with the emo-tong hive queen. It had taken almost a million players working in concert to take her down. If this ended up being something similar, there was no way we’d survive.

I looked at Gretchen, sleeping on the ground. I had two Portal scrolls left. I wouldn’t be able to discharge myself from the military, but I could still eject her.

Colonel Holder was saying something about a level three Muzzle tower, which we were debating on whether to upgrade to a Backfire tower, which caused magic users’ spells to do the opposite of what they intended or a Gag tower, which appeared to simply last longer. My initial gut said go with the Backfire, but it seemed an intelligent creature like Akkorokamui would figure it out pretty quick. We ended up going with the Gag tower.

Spritz was also building a new type of tower, a Holy Force tower, which would be manned exclusively by light clerics. She would build three of them. She had just enough time to make one of them level three, which we’d upgrade to a font of holy water. Every creep so far appeared to be demon-class, and it would be the same as dousing them with acid.

As I scrolled through the list of available NPCs for the new towers, something odd caught my eye. The number of arrowed players in Libri was three. It should’ve gone down to two when we’d booted Jonah. How long had it been like that?

I clicked to the list, sorting the players. I read it three times, my mind reeling. I was on there, Gretchen was on there, and so was someone else.

Player Gold (Level 12, Arcanist, Human).

This character, Gold, appeared to be in the city of Nijon, which was half a day’s ride out of Castellane. He’d been arrowed the moment he entered the country of Libri. He was currently without orders, but I could demand he come to the city, and he’d be required to. You didn’t have to follow direct orders when you were arrowed. However, if you deliberately didn’t follow the instructions of your superiors, you’d get a criminal brand and were subject to arrest, which was much worse.

Well, shit. It appeared he’d been there for a bit, almost like he was waiting for us to come to him. Well that wasn’t going to happen. We didn’t have time for field trips.

A few moments later, Gretchen sat up, stretching. She was still angry with me and started to stand, gathering her things without saying a word. I showed her the name on the list.

“What do we do?” I asked. “Should we talk to him?”

“Oh man,” Gretchen said, all semblance of anger fading away. “It’s Master Gold. From Icardi.”

“The old dude?”

Jonah and Gretchen had talked about the man several times, but I never remembered actually meeting him. He’d glitched out, and that was what had caused Jonah and Gretchen to wake up in the first place. Jonah mentioned that Waldo seemed to think there was one more human player hanging around Icardi. It must’ve been this guy.

“What’s he doing here?” I asked.

“He must’ve seen all the world event notifications and came to check it out. Or he read Jonah’s book.”

“All the way in Icardi?” I asked. “How could he have gotten it already?”

Gretchen rummaged around in her bag, which she’d retrieved from her corpse in Castle Four, pulling out a leather-bound book. I grabbed it from her, examining it. “Where the hell did you get this?”

She looked sheepish. “I got it the other day when I was in Quibou. It looks like the game distributed it almost immediately.”

“Well shit,” I said, flipping to a random page. “So you think that poor guy woke up in Icardi after we left, didn’t know what the hell was going on, and then found the book?”

“Who knows,” Gretchen said. “It looks like he’s all alone. He’s arrowed, so we can talk to him. Send him a message on the War Events chat.”

Poppy: Hey, Master Gold. We see you. You there, buddy?

Several minutes passed without an answer.

“Is he ignoring us?” I said. “He can’t be asleep, or we wouldn’t see him.”

“Or maybe he’s like Jonah was,” Gretchen said. “He doesn’t know how to use the chat.”

“Shit,” I said. “I think you’re right. You’d think Jonah would put that in the book.”

Gretchen grunted. “He did. Everything is in there. I mean everything.”

“Really?” I asked, looking at the book again. I was going to have to read this damn thing. “Well maybe he hasn’t read it. Maybe he just came because of the notifications. Or maybe he just hasn’t bothered with the mind guild stuff yet. Or maybe he’s another crazy asshole like Daniels.”

Poppy: Buddy. It’s okay. There’s me and one other person here. We’re in Castellane. We don’t have time to go fetch you, but if you make your way to the city, we can meet up. You gotta hurry, though. Some serious shit is about to go down in a little more than two days.

Gretchen: We don’t know if there’s a mind guild in the city of Nijon, where you are right now. But if there is, go there right now and do the tutorial on how to control the menus with your mind. It’ll give you access to the chat feature. If not, start walking this way, but stay out of Quibou. I repeat, do not go to the city of Quibou. When you get close, we’ll send an NPC out to gather you.

“He’s a master jeweler,” Gretchen said. “Can you imagine what sort of mastery abilities he might have? And he’s also an arcanist? Holy cow. He probably has some great spells. I hope he’s a good guy.”

“It seems like he’s a noob to me,” I said. “If he’s not an asshole, maybe we’ll take him under our wing. But for right now he’s more a liability than anything.”

Archie came strolling back into the defense cockpit, carrying a few chunks of metal he’d gotten from the blacksmith. Parts for a trap. He stopped dead at the sight of us standing there, like he’d seen a ghost.

“What?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Oy, mate. I thought you two were fighting, but instead it looks like you’re thick as thieves again. In Formoso, the texugo who have a disagreement settle it by battling each other in the fighting pits. Even the sows.” He scratched the back of his head. “Especially the sows, come to think of it.”

I grunted. “Have you seen that new spear of hers? She’d skewer me like a kebab.”

“Don’t you forget it,” Gretchen said.

Gretchen Note 6

I left the others behind as I approached the door. I downed the sludgy, pink potion Nale had discovered. It was affectionately called a Good Hair Day potion. They were rare and expensive. People usually tracked them down when they were about to make a huge purchase. The potion would last for an hour, and it increased one’s charisma anywhere from three to five. According to the notification, mine had increased by four, putting me at 14.

I’d grabbed a few guards for this expedition. I didn’t expect I’d have to fight anything, but I did want Nale with me. He’d have to wait outside, unfortunately. I pushed open the door and nervously stepped into the dusty room.

Entering the Artisan Guild.

This is a hidden guild hall!

You are a level 3 artisan. Welcome fledgling artisan!

Warning! This is a corrupt guild!

Achievement unlocked! Discover a corrupt guild!

I brought one of my sheep and placed it on the large table in the center of the room. I’d painted it silver, though it wasn’t fired. I’d found the remnants of an old kiln in the room I’d found the clay in, but it had been damaged. An ominous, red stain had cascaded off the side of the kiln like something had been leaning up against it when it had been killed.

This was the place where Jonah had killed Prince Kankan, but there was no sign of the battle now except a wide swath of clean floor where they’d scuffled. My keen hunter’s eyes also found several sets of three-toed footprints in the dust.

As I expected, at least two distinct pairs of bird feet appeared faintly in the dust. Both pairs led to the large fireplace, where Jonah said the first wark-ee had appeared.

I sat down at the table, folding my hands.

“This really is a beautiful place,” I said out loud. “My name is Gretchen, by the way. I have friends outside, but they can’t get in. It’s just me.”

I didn’t see the wark-ee right away, but I saw the white dot appear on my minimap. An odd cooing noise followed.

Hop, hop, hop-hop-hop. My keen ears heard the bird creature hesitantly approaching.

And then it was standing beside me, head cocked to the side. It cooed questioningly.

I pushed my clay sheep toward him. “I know it’s not as shiny as you usually like it, but I’m just getting started. You can have it if you want.”

The bird creature cooed, sniffing at the sheep uncertainly.

“I’m not here to trade my art for an artificer. I want to talk to her. I know she’s here, and I know she’s listening. I saw her handiwork outside with the animated suits of armor. I can see her footprints in the dust.”

Quick as a wink, the bird snatched my clay sheep off the table and swallowed it whole. It gurgled a few times then disappeared. I could hear it rustling as it entered the hearth.

“I can feel you watching me,” I said. “I mean you no harm.”

“Do you know what it’s like watching all your children die?” a voice said. Soft, feminine, but also old. The voice did not come from the hearth, but the doorway to the next room.

My heart started to thump. Remember, this is a dark cleric. They can be tricky. Nale and I suspected she was a psionicist. If she was who I thought she was, then she was for sure.

“I can’t imagine what that would be like,” I said. “But I do know what it’s like to lose one child.”

The ancient wark-ee hopped into the room. She was completely gray, and her crooked beak was chipped and crazed like old pottery. She wore tattered, purple rags that had once likely been glorious.

“I was in the room during their conversation,” she continued. “I listened to your king speak with the grandson of the butcher of my people. He is a good man, your king. But he is naïve. He hasn’t yet been crushed by the weight of his responsibility.”

“Your majesty,” I said, bowing. I’d suspected it was the queen. She wasn’t the master of the guild, but she was still powerful enough to animate an entire hallway of constructs. She was powerful enough to create artificers like the one Jonah had received. Only a master psionicist could do that. The stories told that the queen of the wark-ee had been a dark cleric. I was surprised nobody had put this together earlier.

“Why have you come here today?” the queen asked.

“The hobgoblins are all but gone from this city,” I said. “If we can defeat this last group of demons trying to invade, then we can return the city to you.”

She laughed. She indicated the hearth. I turned to see a second wark-ee looking at me from the ashes, the one who’d eaten my sheep sculpture. “There is my kingdom,” she said. “That is all that is left. I do not want this shattered land.” She hobbled forward, plopping down next to me at the table. “Tell me, child. Tell me what you really want.”

I told her about Sandra the Learnt. About how we didn’t know where she was and how we needed her tracked down.

The ancient bird nodded. “I can do this for you,” she said. “But first you must do something for me.”

Crap. “Of course,” I said.

As she told me what she wanted, my dread was replaced with a rising excitement.

Quest Update. Missing Maps. This is an alternate quest path!

Having discovered the lost Queen of the Wark-ee, the ancient liege of Castellane has offered to help locate the hiding location of Sandra the Learnt. However, she requests a boon in exchange. She has knowledge of the location of her old enemy, Chief Musa of the Hobgoblin Riot. Bring him to her so she may exact justice upon the slaughterer of her people. Once this is complete, she will aid you in locating the traitorous polecat.

Warning: Chief Musa must be captured alive.

Poppy: Holy fucking shit, Gretchen. How the hell did you figure that out?

“So, where is he?” I asked.

“He’s not far,” the queen said. “He has been under your thumb this entire time.”

* * *

“The problem is,” Oliver the beastmaster said. “I can open the cages. I know how to do that. It’s right easy.” He pointed to a lever on the wall of the Menagerie. “But only the obstacle master can open them individually, and only the obstacle master has the magic needed to get them critters all back in their cages without any fuss. I can set up traps outside of each cage and try to get them all bundled up again, but it’ll take some time. Some might get away. We got some nasty beasties in here. So if you want to get into that cage.” He indicated the cage with the giant oblivion walrus. “We gotta let them all out, and it’s going to be a messy business. The good news is the Rage trigger only gets turned on during an active wave, so they won’t be extra aggressive.”

Nearby, a pazuzu slammed against the barrier, screaming and hissing. It slammed its scorpion tail against the wall. I couldn’t imagine how much more enraged those things could get.

I wondered for the hundredth time if the late Chauncey knew that Chief Musa was hidden in his “Safe Room” as the queen wark-ee had called it. The prince hadn’t seemed to know about it, nor had the oracle Jonah had killed. However, the coypu had to have known about it, despite his insistence otherwise.

That little bastard, I thought. If he regenerates while I’m still around, I’m going to flay him alive.

“It makes sense now,” Colonel Holder said, eyeing the massive walrus. “That little rat had the ability to put us all to sleep. He only did it when he was extracting one of us for food or when he was feeding the walrus.”

I examined the walrus now, who was currently throwing itself against the magical barrier in an attempt to get to us, just like the pazuzu. The thing had to be fifteen feet tall, and the glimmering white tusks were at least six feet long each. It gibbered something in a language I couldn’t understand. Its gray abdomen crushed against the barrier.

Chief Musa was hidden inside the belly of that monster. He probably wasn’t alone. Prince Kankan had said his father was accompanied by fifty guards. It was very likely that we’d slice this walrus open, and fifty elite hobgoblin warriors would pour out.

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s set it up. So we’re clear, if you capture the monsters back into your traps, we can reset the Menagerie?”

Oliver nodded. “I can. It won’t be easy, but I can do it.”

We now had forty hours until the final wave. “Do it,” I said. “Do it as quickly as you can, but I want to lose as few of these beasts as possible. We don’t have time to go get any more.”

Like with the traps and the towers, it was possible to reset and fiddle with the obstacles, but it required significantly more time and effort than it would otherwise with a specialist.

I sighed. This would be a perfect job for Bingo. I looked at Colonel Holder. “I don’t want any mistakes on this,” I said. “We need maximum coverage of the entrance and exits when we open it up. Let’s try to get all of them into traps before we do anything with the walrus, so we’re not having to fight a bunch of hobgoblins while we deal with these tormented and ogres and peluda.”

Holder nodded and started barking orders.

“How long,” I asked Oliver.

“Give me about ten hours to get set up, then we’ll be ready.”

I nodded. At the end of the row, one of the two ogres pointed at me through the barrier. He made a motion like he was breaking something in half.

Popper note 24

“If this works, and then Jonah’s plan works, we might actually have a shot at this thing,” Gretchen said.

We were taking a break, something that had become a tradition on non-wave nights. Oliver said everything was ready and in place, but we’d decided to wait until it was light outside. Gretchen’s plan was dangerous as fuck, and I’d talked her out of doing it when the monsters could scramble away in the dark. I didn’t know if they’d be bound by the spiral wall or not. It was a rare thing for me to be chastising Gretchen, but she’d readily agreed.

I took a long drag of a cigarette. “If we find her, Sandra the Learnt I mean. And we kill her, does that mean the obelisks will turn right back on? And the quest will be done?”

“I think so,” Gretchen said. “The quest originally made it look like we needed her to run the fast travel nodes, but I think this twist was in the works the whole time. Once we kill her, the Sandra the Learnt quest will be done and fast travel will turn back on. So will full-screen maps.”

I nodded. “I want you to go to Jonah as soon as it’s done. There’s no reason for you to stay for the final wave. I’ll be stuck here, but I can discharge you. You know we’re fucked. Saving Harmony is more important than saving this shitty city. The only reason it was important was because of Sandra.”

She seemed to chew on it for a while.

“No,” she said finally. “If we lose, we lose. We’ll die, but the compulsory quest will be done either way. We’ll regenerate outside the city, and we’ll get to a fast-travel portal and get back to Harmony. If Jonah’s thing works out tonight, he’ll still need our help, but he’ll have a whole lot of backup.”

I nodded. Gretchen put her arm around me and pulled me in tighter. It was an odd feeling, something I hadn’t experienced since I was a little kid. I let her do it.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what I was planning with Jonah,” I said.

“I know,” she said after a moment. “I understand why you did it. It doesn’t make you less of a jerk, but I understand it.”

I sighed. “Did I ever tell you why I was in prison? Either the first or the second time?”

Gretchen stiffened ever-so-slightly. We both knew I’d never told her about it. I’d never told anybody about it except Alice, who lay snoring behind us.

“No,” she said finally. “Tell me.”

“I had two friends,” I said. “Monobrow Sam and Ricky.”

“Monobrow Sam?” she said, sounding amused.

“Yeah,” I said, laughing. “He looked like he had a dead caterpillar up there. This one time he tried to shave it himself, and he ended up breaking the razor. Anyway, so I had these two friends. Ricky had met some dudes selling these Chinese-made controller chips for the new rationing power meters.”

“Oh wow,” Gretchen said. “I’d heard about those. I remember it was a big problem. I’m glad I never had to deal with the power rationing.”

“Oh yeah,” I said. “I keep forgetting you’re a Canadian. So we started selling these chips, Ricky, Sam, and I. And it was good for a while. Work was scarce, and Juliette had just had Molly. So I really needed the money. And everybody wanted those chips. We thought we’d sell them for a couple hundred bucks, but people were fighting for them, offering even more. For a while there, we were selling them for a thousand a pop.”

“And you got caught?” Gretchen asked.

“Sort of,” I said. “Ricky got caught. He rolled on me. He didn’t rat out Sam, just me. I had a bunch of chips and a log book with all the sales hidden in my house, and they had a search warrant. They found it and arrested me.”

“How long did you get?”

“My sentence was five years in a federal pen, and I ended up doing four and a half years.”

“Wow. Four years in prison?” Gretchen shuddered. “I think I’d kill myself before I went to prison.”

“Bah,” I said. “Prison would be a cakewalk for someone like you.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Someone like me? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re like six foot three! And a badass. You’d run that place in a week.”

“Popper. Or should I say Charlie? I don’t look like this in real life. Remember?”

Shit. Of course she didn’t look like that in real life. What was I thinking?

“Oh yeah,” I said. “I forgot. So while I was in jail, Ricky came and visited me. He told me the guys he’d gotten the chips from wanted their money. He’d said originally they were only charging him like $25 a chip, but now they wanted $200 a chip. We’d lost over 200 of them. So they wanted all this money.”

“Forty thousand dollars,” Gretchen said.

“Yeah. And Ricky was bouncing town.” I took a deep breath, remembering that moment. “That only left one person they could collect the money from.”

“Your friend, Monobrow Sam,” Gretchen said.

“That’s right. Sam. He’d been one of my best friends since we were kids. Sam wasn’t too smart, and he’d gotten his ass beat a bunch of times over the years. I was the one who protected him, who kept him safe. I was the one who introduced him to Ricky. I should’ve known that fucker was no good right away but… but…”

Gretchen put her hand on my shoulder, and I felt myself start to tremble. “What happened?” she asked.

“I had the money, but I couldn’t get to it while I was still in prison. My old man died and left me his car. An '06 Pontiac GTO, all original. No selfie electrics. Nothing. Last I’d checked, they were going for about 75K, and none of them were in that condition. My lawyer said I couldn’t touch it while I was still locked up. I didn’t want to get Juliette involved. I told Sam to tell the guys to cool their jets, and I’d have the money for them when I got out. This was four years later, see, and I knew I’d be free in a couple months.”

“What happened?” Gretchen asked again, her voice softer this time.

I suppressed a sob. “They killed him. They killed Sam. And I wasn’t there to help him. I had the fucking money. They shot him in the stomach and stole his grandma’s ring. It was my fault. He’d been so scared. He didn’t want to talk to them at all. He’d wanted to run away. I’d told him it would be okay. It wasn’t like these guys were drug dealers, right? They were selling damn computer chips.”

“Oh my god, Popper,” Gretchen said. “I’m so sorry. But, you must know that wasn’t your fault. You didn’t shoot him. How could you have known that would happen?”

I’d never talked about this before, not to anyone, not even Juliette. Tears streamed down my face.

“After I got out, those guys disappeared. I wasn’t about to give them any of that money now anyway. I looked for them, though. I wanted to find them so bad. They were fucking ghosts.”

“But you ended up back in prison?”

“Yeah, so there’s more to the whole Ricky story.” I let out a long stream of breath. “He’s Molly’s biological dad. He’d been dating Juliette before I even met her. That’s how I met her, actually. After they broke up, I started seeing her. She’d told me she was pregnant on our third or fourth date, and by then, I already knew that she was the one. She’d wanted to try to work things out with Ricky, but I knew by then Ricky was a sack of shit when it came to women, and I asked her to marry me.”

“You asked her to marry you on the third date?” Gretchen asked.

I grunted. “Yeah, she didn’t take that so well. She laughed at me. But Ricky did what I expected Ricky to do. He told her it wasn’t his, it had to be mine. Though Juliette and I hadn’t even gotten together yet. Anyway, he made it clear that he was going to be an ass about the whole thing and that he wouldn’t step up. Juliette made me wait until Molly was born before she’d marry me, but she did. Molly is my kid. I don’t care what anybody says. She’s mine.”

“That was noble of you,” Gretchen said.

“You know, I never saw it that way. I felt damn lucky that Juliette let me into her life, and I was damn lucky I ever got to meet Molly. She’s so great, the happiest kid ever. She has this thing. It’s called cerebral palsy. But it doesn’t slow her down. Still, you know we wanted the best for her, so it was hard getting good treatment for her symptoms.”

“That must’ve been tough,” Gretchen said.

I shrugged. “You do what you must, you know? I’m not proud of what I did, selling the chips, but I did it for her. And you know what, in some sort of fucked-up way, I think Ricky—at least originally—I think he brought me in on it as his own way of, you know, supporting the kid he made.”

“Yet he turned you in and not Sam,” Gretchen said.

A deep anger boiled there, something I didn’t want to confront. I felt it rising, deep within me. In prison that second time they’d forced me to see a shrink. That dark, bottomless rage I’d worked so hard to hide… The shrink had suggested I give it a name. It’s easier to confront something when you have a name for it.

I remembered now what I’d called it.

The Hobgoblin Riot.

I’d called that thing living inside of me the Hobgoblin Riot. How could I have forgotten?

I’d called it that because that was how I imagined it. A trapped, angry horde, fighting against the world. And every once in awhile, it would burst free. Terrible, violent, insatiable. Something I’d never be able to defeat. I looked up at Gretchen.

“So, yeah,” I said. “The thing is, Ricky. He was a pretty boy. He could talk his way into anyone’s pants. Especially a lonely woman whose new husband had just been sentenced to prison for five years. Especially when you’re already the father of her kid.”

Gretchen didn’t say anything. She silently waited for me to continue.

“So while I was in prison the first time, Ricky started having an affair with Juliette. I think he saw me with her, saw how good I had it with Molly. I think he started to feel jealous. So when he got caught, he turned me in knowing I’d get arrested and he wouldn’t. When I was put away, he made his move, and Juliette obliged. He even played daddy for a while. I had no idea. Sam suspected, I think. Though at the time, Juliette had moved to a different apartment, and they didn’t see each other so much. But Ricky being Ricky, he abandoned her once again as soon as those guys showed back up, wanting their money. He abandoned Juliette and Molly once again, and he left Sam and me with the debt. And that was when Sam was murdered.”

I wiped a tear off my face. I felt movement behind me, and I looked to see Alice’s black eyes watching me. I’d told her a lot, but I hadn’t told her this part of the story.

“So I got out of prison. I didn’t yet know about Juliette and Ricky. He was gone. Sam was dead. I got released. It all happened so fast. I started working for one of my old man’s buddies, who had an industrial HVAC repair biz. But I could tell, I suspected something was off with Juliette. Anyone whose ever been cheated on will tell you the same thing afterwards. Maybe they didn’t know know. But deep inside, there was that feeling, that sixth sense. That little voice that told you something wasn’t right.

“So we started to drift, Juliette and me. And that made me scared. If we divorced or separated, then I’d never get to see Molly again. She was my kid. She was five now, pushing six. So I told Juliette I wanted to adopt her. Officially adopt her. And that’s when Juliette told me. She broke down in tears and told me everything.”

Alice made her purring noise, and I leaned back against her, still wrapped up in Gretchen’s arms.

“I told her it didn’t matter. I loved her, and I loved Molly. I wanted to go through with it, and she said okay. But here’s the thing with adoptions. You can’t just adopt a kid if she has another, living dad on the birth certificate. You need his consent. We needed to find Ricky and get him to sign away his parental rights. I figured this would be easy, right? He’d been ducking out on child support for six years now. Through his mom we found him in Boston, had him served with papers asking him to give up his rights in exchange for nullifying all the back child support. He’d have been free.”

I felt myself tense up, the anger rising. “You know what that fucker did? He came back to Pittsburgh, and he got himself a lawyer, and he sued for custody of Molly. Bam, out of nowhere. Said in his papers that his daughter’s mom was married to a felon and that it wasn’t safe for his child to be around someone like me.”

“Oh, Popper. What did you do?” Gretchen asked.

“I found him, and I beat the fuck out of him. I beat him within an inch of his damn life. I busted both of his eye sockets, all the fingers on his right hand, and he fucked-up his elbow, too. I did it at his parent’s house, and I did it in front of his mom.” I felt my fists clenching at the memory. My fingers ached with phantom pain. I’d never been violent in my life, and it had burst out, all at once. The Hobgoblin Riot was free. It was only because of the crying of Ricky’s mom had I stopped.

“So I was arrested again, and this time I was facing an attempted manslaughter charge. The adoption was out the window. But funny enough, Ricky dropped the suit. He went back to Boston or wherever. I’d fucked him up pretty bad. They said I’d used a pipe wrench on him, but I don’t remember that part. I ended up pleading guilty to first degree aggravated assault and was given 15 years in prison.”

“And that’s when they recruited you?”

I nodded. “A few years later. They plucked me right out of prison. I have no idea why. But anyway, you said I was a jerk to send Jonah away like that. I was. But that’s my thing. I do stupid shit when I’m trying to protect those who I love.”

Gretchen leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. “I understand. But if you ever try to banish me, I’ll be the one breaking someone’s eye sockets and fingers.”

I grinned. “And don’t forget the elbow. Oh yeah, his front two teeth, too.”

She laughed. I laughed, but it was a fake one. I felt it there, awakened deep inside of me, like I summoned it. That rage. My own personal Hobgoblin Riot living inside of me.

Fucking Ricky, I thought.

Popper Note 25

The moment the sun crested over the city, we popped open all the cages of the Menagerie. We had 13 hours until wave five.

The pong flies were a loss. We had plenty of them in backup traps and didn’t bother trying to recapture them. I had a young fire mage, a nervous moon auric named Shin smash the interior of their cage with a fireball the moment it opened, incinerating them. A few survived, but they were only dangerous when they swarmed. We ignored them as we grappled with the rest.

In order to Pokémon the other beasts back into their traps, they had to be injured first. That was a problem. With the tormented dwarves, the moles, and the peluda, the strategy was the same. We had multiple traps set up around the exit of their cages, each set to open in sequence so there was always an open trap, and we didn’t have to worry too much about timing. We’d pump arrows or spells into them until they were injured enough to get sucked into the traps.

That worked for the tormented, the moles, and the fire peluda. The lizard-like lightning peluda blasted the traps with their electrical discharge skill, causing the traps to scatter. One trap rolled wide while it was open, knocking a white jacket and his mount over. It had startled the horse so much it fell onto its leg. Screaming, the horse was promptly sucked into the trap.

Meanwhile, Gretchen was on ogre duty, and I’d somehow ended up on team capture the pazuzu. There were five of the pissed-off demons. I stood on the ground, Alice to my left. I was to whack them with Battlefield Surgeon if they got too close, and Alice would slam them back toward the traps. They flew at us the moment the cages opened, screaming and clawing and scary as fuck. I had arrows going at their leathery, bat-like wings, and three of the five were stopped in seconds. Two broke past the traps and were on us.

Alice took a scorpion tail hit to the shoulder, and she immediately fell over, convulsing while I screamed for a healer. I sliced with my axe, nicking the foot of a pazuzu as it screeched and flew into the air. Alice was hit with an antidote and a healing spell. The spells came soon enough, but it still felt like it’d taken too long. I’d gotten used to Tiatha’s rapid-fire healing. I missed her.

Alice whimpered as she got back to her feet. “That hurt,” she said. “I don’t like being poisoned.”

One of the pazuzu was down, skewered by arrows. It was dead. Damnit. The last flew to the ceiling of the Menagerie, screaming at us. It scrabbled at the ceiling with its claws, but it wouldn’t be able to get away.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Gretchen jabbing at a massive ogre with her spear. “Get in there!” she cried as she poked at it. It roared and grabbed the haft of her spear, causing her eyes to go wide. She growled and pressed forward, skewering the monster in the stomach. It cried and fell to its knees. Blood started coming from the ogre’s mouth. Another loss.

On the other side, Colonel Holder and Oliver the beastmaster tried to box in the oblivion Walrus, who shouted and honked at them, slamming its bulk up and down on the ground like someone slamming a shoe.

The pazuzu swept down, snatching up one of the white jackets trying to corral the lightning peluda. The demon tore the white jacket in half, spraying blood everywhere. Jesus.

I growled. “Take it out,” I said to the mage to my right. The air mage hit it with a Shred spell, and the beast fell from the air. It cracked and crumpled as it hit the ground.

The others managed to get the remaining peluda trapped. I quickly looked around. The monsters were either all recaptured or dead. Too many dead, including an ogre and two pazuzu. Damn.

The oblivion walrus was also going to be a loss. The only way in was to be swallowed. The only way out was to be vomited. For all we knew there was another world the size of Texas inside the walrus, and we didn’t have time for that bullshit. So we opted for the quicker, alternative method of walrus extraction. A cut down the center of the belly.

Gretchen had wanted to capture the monster and to move it back to Castle Four for the extraction, but we didn’t have time. Plus, Castle Four had a giant hole in it. We hadn’t had time or the inclination to get it fixed.

“Granger,” I said, pointing at the walrus, who still fought the white jackets.

Thwang! The arrow shot from over my shoulder, burying itself shaft-deep into the walrus’s eye. It bellowed in rage. Granger shot again. He’d aimed for the other eye, but he missed. The arrow exploded against the tough skull. The walrus screamed and turned to face us, looking over the white jackets. Its one good eye focused on me, and it bellowed. It flew at us, rising up like a massive hand. It swept three white jackets away as it charged, ready to slap me into a damn pancake.

Its head snapped back as the third arrow slammed into its good eye.

The walrus shuddered, and it flopped over, crashing with the sound of a water-filled sack. I stood next to Granger, my heart pounding. I eyed the massive, dead walrus. Its stomach vibrated ominously. Colonel Holder ordered the corpse surrounded, as a white jacket hesitantly strode forward, knife in hand. The soldier would cut down the center, and according to Gretchen, all the living creatures in the Walrus’s stomach would come out at once. I hoped we weren’t about to unleash another hundred pazuzu on us or some crazy shit like that.

“Such a shame,” Granger said. “About Bingo, I mean. I’d never known a better warrior.”

“Yeah,” I said. He’d saved my ass. I didn’t know if I was ever going back to Harmony. If I was, I knew I’d have to visit him in the coliseum if he was still there and thank him.

Gretchen came to stand next to us. “Be ready,” she said.

The soldier cut lengthwise down the center of the giant walrus. Skin and muscle separated, unzipped by the knife. White, pulsating light emanated from the wound. The soldier jumped back as three forms oozed out, like they were being born.

We waited for more, but that’s all there was.

“Really?” Gretchen said, looking at the three figures as they stood up. She sounded disgusted. The two taller figures shook their hands, whipping the goo away. The third, smaller form was more hesitant to stand. He did finally stand, however, on uncertain, wobbly legs. 

Chief Musa of the Hobgoblin Riot. He had no guards, just two, very young, very female hobgoblin companions. The women hobgoblins looked terrified. The chief appeared to be oblivious to his surroundings.

“What?” I asked Gretchen.

She indicated the two women hobgoblins. “After all these years of progress, after all the work they put into this game, after all the meticulous attention to detail and realism they put into everything, why is that they still make the female versions of monsters like that?”

“Like what?” I asked. I looked at the hobgoblins and didn’t see a problem. Each one was young and kinda sexy in a weird way. They were still green, though not as hairy and way thinner than the male hobgoblins. They looked a lot more human than the men did. “Their world was ending, and the hobgoblin king went into hiding with two young hotties. I don’t see what the problem is.”

Gretchen shook her head and made an exasperated sound as the white jackets moved forward. They quickly took custody of the three hobgoblins, who offered no resistance.

“Want me to stick these two back into a cage?” Oliver asked, indicating the companion hobgoblins.

“No,” I said. “Set them free. We don’t need them.”

I didn’t have to say it twice. The two women ran off, disappearing into the city.

“Oliver, get the Menagerie back in order as fast as you can,” I said. “We don’t have any time to waste. I don’t want any empty cages. In fact, why don’t you put that mean-ass scorpion mount in here since nobody is using it.”

Alice gasped, and Oliver looked at me like I’d just asked out his grandmother.

“You can’t stick Rita in a cage!” Alice cried, aghast.

The last time I’d been down to the stables, “Rita” had practically ripped the paddock apart to get at me, hissing and snapping.

“Don’t worry,” Oliver said. “I got something from my personal stock we can throw in there.”

“What is it?” Gretchen asked.

“A pair of adnoartina from my homeland. Breeding pair. I got some good eggs, so I guess I can sacrifice mum and dad for the war effort. They’re a surly pair.”

“What the hell are they?” I asked.

“Reptilians,” Gretchen said. “But bigger and more Australian.”

They wouldn’t be as good as the walrus, but that would have to do. When wave five happened, we’d still have an empty cage or two, but we simply didn’t have the time to get more.

“Where is my son?” Chief Musa asked. The ancient, emaciated hobgoblin appeared to be older than even the withered thing that lived in the church. He was in no condition to walk, and we put him on the back of a white jacket’s horse.

“Kankan is dead,” Gretchen said, looking up at the horse. “Maghan is across the ocean. He’s currently besieging Harmony. He’s going to fail. We’re taking you to the queen of the wark-ee.” 

“Kankan,” the man said, his voice full of wonder. “That’s what Frinda wanted to name our son. I told her only if we had two.”

“Great,” I said. “He’s gone bonkers.”

“Come on,” Gretchen said. “It doesn’t matter. We need to get to the Artisan Guild.”

We hurried down the winding streets toward Castle Six. The frail hobgoblin babbled the entire time, making very little sense. Some of his words, however, had a disconcerting ring of self-awareness.

“I killed her. Smashed her head against the kiln, and the blood went everywhere. Frinda. I don’t know why I did it. I remember doing it. But I remember something else. I remember not doing it. I remember loving her. I killed my own father. Chief Ichichi. He wanted to kill us all, to attack. Sometimes we’d feast, when the warriors came. That was my favorite. Those were always good days.”

“It’s like he’s been hit with Insanity,” I said. I was starting to feel bad about handing him over to the bird lady. What was she going to do with him?

“His mind is lost,” Granger said. “I’ve seen it before. It happens a lot to those who fight in the arena. Dying every day, waking up, knowing it’s going to happen again. Sometimes they start to babble like this. Usually when they do, they just disappear. The next morning, a new monster has appeared in their place.”

I shared an uncertain look with Gretchen. The last thing we needed was Chief Musa disappearing.

We didn’t need to go all the way to the Artisan Guild. The queen and her male consort waited for us in the marble pavilion in front of Castle Six.

“Here he is,” Gretchen said as the white jackets bodily pulled him off his horse and threw him down at the feet of the wark-ee. Despite his smallness, he was still larger than the bird-like humanoid.

The queen made a sound that was something like a sigh.

“Very well,” she said. She turned away and started hopping back toward the entrance of the castle. Her male companion cocked his head to the side, made a burbling noise and then hopped off toward the queen.

“Wait,” Gretchen called. “Where are you going? What’s happening?”

“Leave him there,” the queen said. “I have not forgotten our deal. Meet me back here as the sun sets, and I will cast my spell for you.”

“Wait,” I said. “When the sun sets? We need you now.”

“My spell won’t work in the sunlight,” she called. “It’s a psionicist spell. It requires moon magic to work.”

“Well, fuck,” I said, looking at Gretchen. We should’ve done this last night. The wave would start just after sunset, and Jonah’s plan required us to get to Sandra as soon as possible.

“What about Chief Musa!” Gretchen called to the queen, who was about to disappear into the castle.

“They’ll take care of it,” she called, waving over her shoulder.

“Who is she talking about?” I asked, looking around.

“Look,” Granger said, pointing at the alley one street over. Several pairs of red eyes stared back at us. As I looked around, I realized belatedly we were surrounded by hobgoblins, all hiding and lurking in the shadows.

“Oh fuck,” I said, pulling my axe out.

“Their dots are white on the map,” Gretchen said.

Chief Musa’s dot had been red this whole time. It remained that way.

“What does that mean?” I asked. I took a step toward Alice. How many were there? It seemed like thousands. “Are they here to rescue their king?”

“I… I don’t think so,” Gretchen said, backing away from Chief Musa.

“If you see Kankan,” Musa muttered, “tell him I’m proud of what he’s become. He thinks I prefer his brother. That is not true. I wanted them both to be strong, but they are so different.”

“Hey buddy,” I said. “It looks like your people have come to talk to you.”

“They starve,” Musa said. “It is a rule. If the people starve, then they are to feed upon their chief.”

“Boss, I’m thinking we best go back to home base,” Granger said.

“I’m thinking you’re right,” I said. I hopped up onto Alice. I waved my arms for everyone to move out.

We set forth back toward Fort Bloodgasm. It didn’t take long for the notification to come.  

System Message> Chief Musa of the Hobgoblin Riot has fallen, having been deposed by his own people. Prince Maghan of the Hobgoblin Riot is now Chief Maghan of the Hobgoblin Riot.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: The bird lady didn’t kill him?

Gretchen: No. But you said it wouldn’t matter who killed him as long as he was dead.

Poppy: Jonah, you still underwater? Man, I’m so jealous of that waterbreathing skill.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Yeah, it’s not that great. I’m still wet, and I’m still cold, despite the Warmth potion. Triple Fang does not like being underwater, either. These things complain more than Alice does.

Poppy: Don’t care. Still jealous.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Okay guys. Now you just gotta get to Sandra the Learnt, or all of us are fucked. Try to do it as soon as possible.

Poppy: Yeah, about that…

Popper Note 26

I waited outside of Castle Six as the sun set against the western horizon, bathing the city in orange light. The colors reflected off the gargoyle statues of the Gardens, turning them into shadow figures bathed in prismatic halos.

Of Chief Musa, there was no sign except a few wisps of tattered clothing on the marble ground. The hobgoblins had returned to their rooftops, content to wait this out. Their king was dead, and the new dude in charge was a world away.

We had less than an hour before the start of the fifth and final wave. The host of Orochi creatures currently stretched from the Defender’s Door in Quibou to the entrance at the Arch of Conquest. The vast majority of the army were kappa warriors followed by the large oni giants. Other monsters started to appear in the last hours leading up to the opening of the gate. A battalion of the fast-moving chickens with their riders had appeared. We’d anticipated that and were ready this time.

Akkorokamui had just emerged a few moments ago. Raj screamed the description into the chat.

Raj: It is her! The lady! She don’t look so scary. She is on a big litter, like they have at home. Her face is funny. I guess she is scary when Raj looks at her face! Her litter is carried by six black monsters! They are like the chicken riders with the wobbly necks, but these monsters are all black like ink. Their robes are black. Their tongues are black! Only their eyes are red!  

We’d have to worry about that later. I waited anxiously for a Jonah update. He’d been radio silent for a bit now, and I was starting to get even more worried than I already was. I didn’t want to interrupt him, not at this crucial moment. The fate of everything, including everybody on The Hibiscus weighed on the next few hours. If we didn’t get to Sandra, Jonah was dead.

The queen and her consort hopped out of the castle. Gone were the ragged purple robes. She’d somehow come up with flowing, brand-new purple robes that looked brand-new. A jeweled crown sat on her crow head. Her elderly wark-ee companion also had a brand-new, albeit much simpler robe. She approached.

“It is time for me to fulfill my half of the bargain.” 

I sighed with relief. I was worried she’d refuse because Gretchen wasn’t here.

“From how far away can you cast this spell?” I nervously asked. With the movement of the army from Quibou to the gates, it made it impossible for us to creep into the city without alerting the invaders. Everyone currently inside the city was here for the length of the wave.

I had a hit squad of soldiers waiting outside the city gates, including Gretchen, ready to descend upon the location indicated by the wark-ee queen.

But since we wouldn’t be able to leave the city, I feared we were already too late. If the queen couldn’t cast the spell from far away, I didn’t know what we were going to do.

“Fear not, little one,” the queen said. “I think I already know where the magic is coming from. Lead me to the edge of the city, and I will know for certain. Once this polecat casts another portal, I will have her location.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “She’s kicked up her portal-opening to every ten minutes or so.”

Thankfully these new portals were only open for about a minute, as if she was running out of steam, but the number of beasts filling Quibou was terrifying.

I’d brought a cart dragged by a pair of fast-moving zebras, and I invited the queen and her companion to ride.

She shook her head.

“On this day, I shall fly,” she said. “It has been so long since I have freely flown over my city.” From the back of her robe, a massive pair of grey-feathered wings burst forth, and she rose into the air. The other bird dutifully jumped into the air after her. She hovered about ten feet off the ground. “Follow,” she said, and she head west toward the Arch of Conquest.

Alice and I followed.

Raj: Raj is scared! The city is too full! They are going into the buildings! Some monsters are in the hotel!

Gretchen: Stay on the roof, honey. You got your spear?

Raj had found a weapon earlier when they were re-searching the hotel. We’d convinced him to hold onto it and to practice with it every chance he had.

Poppy: You’re a scout now, remember? You can turn invisible. If they come onto the roof, I want you to go invisible.

Raj: Raj can’t make all of us invisible! I am a protector!

Poppy: Buddy, I don’t care about everyone else. I only care about you.

Raj: No, Raj has to keep them safe! Raj’s mom will come back if he keeps them safe!

What? What was he talking about? As I tried to form a response, Jonah finally checked in.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: I need that gate. I need it now. I don’t know how much longer we can keep this up.

I looked up at the queen. “Go,” I said. “Go fast. Make certain then come back to tell me. I’m right behind. We’re running out of time.”

The queen didn’t answer. She took off, disappearing into the rising darkness.

Poppy: I’m working on it.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Dude. Work faster. We are at the portal pavilion. We are surrounded. We got maybe ten minutes.

Alice and I galloped through the streets toward the edge of the city. A moment later, Raj announced the appearance of yet another portal. More oni came through. Only a handful this time, but these oni were bigger than normal, armed with massive, flaming whips.

A few moments later the queen returned. She hovered above me on the street.

“It is as I suspected,” she said. “The magic user you seek is opening the portals from the most obvious place.”

When she told me where, I was momentarily excited, but then a terrible realization crashed over me.

I felt cold. Holy fucking shit I hated this game. I took a breath and opened up chat.

Poppy: Raj, how you doing, bud?

Raj: Raj is scared, Popper. Raj is so very scared. A red demon came up the stairs, and he almost ate us. He almost killed my friends. I used the spear, and I stuck him with it. He died. Raj has never hurt anyone like that before.

I fought the urge to sob. What could I do? This was the only way.

Poppy: Raj. How many other polecats are up there with you? Are any of them women?

Raj: Yes. One is a woman. She’s a very old lady! Sandy. She is from Toptas. It’s a nice town she says. It’s not far from Valisa. She says she might know Raj’s mother. She is a nice lady.

Sandy. Jesus Christ. She’d been there the whole time. She’d been at the hotel the whole damn time.

Gretchen: Oh. Oh, no.

Poppy: Raj, do you still have your spear? Is it in your hands right now?

Jonah Note 20

Minutes after being pushed into Harmony, I raced across the empty streets toward my castle. The clock ticked over to 9:57. I wasn’t going to make it. Bruce Bruce galloped by my side.

Maybe the curse won’t trigger.

I prayed. Father Roosevelt would’ve been proud. Please, please, please.

The skull flashed in my vision. My curse had triggered.

“Fuck!” I cried out loud. I looked at the minimap, trying to discern if my Detect Undead skill could see any around me. There was nothing, but my curse was on day 75, which meant everything within seven and a half kilometers would be summoned. I eyed the seawall, about a mile and a half away. Just beyond that, the burning fleet had entered the harbor. How many of them were there now? Last time when I was on Yi’s airship, I’d only summoned a small portion of them. My circle of influence now had to encompass the entire fleet. A fleet that had been growing exponentially in size over the past two months as it looted its way across the coastlines of the world.

Boooonggg. I cringed at the terrible sound.

You have summoned 694,022 undead to your location.

You are being stalked by 694,023.

 “Holy shit,” I said, re-reading the notification. I fought the urge to vomit. Goddamn you, Popper!

I had to get to the castle. There were no undead in the castle. Most of those would be from the burning fleet, and they were already trying to get into the city. The rest were scattered around town. I knew, thanks to my pendant, that multiple undead existed in the city from hundreds of locations. Thankfully most of the city ones were low level, easy-to-kill skeletons and ghosts. At least I hoped they were. The whole of Harmony was filled with quests for new players. There was bound to be a powerful lich down there somewhere.

I grimaced.

Despite my initial impression that the city was abandoned, I did sense life around me as I ran. The elderly and children peered at me from behind boarded-up windows, their gaunt and scared faces lit by candlelight.

“He’s back,” I heard someone whisper as I ran past. “We are saved. I knew he hadn’t abandoned us.”

I pulled up the War Events menu to get a better sense of the tactical situation. Things were even more grim than I thought. This menu looked different than the one for the Castellane fight, though much of the information was the same. Why was that? 

It looked as if Keta had immediately ordered a mass arrowing of the remaining citizens. Chaos and rioting ensued, something I’d tried to avoid. But with the extra workers, the wall project had moved more quickly.

Actually, no, I realized now, looking at the menu and sorting through the defenders. Five astound rock singers were listed there. Had we told Keta about the rock singers?

Yes, I remembered. Popper had found Spritz, and I’d asked Keta about them. Gretchen had gone out to look for some, but we’d all had to gather back up when Popper triggered the Siege of Castellane world event. Keta must have later found them and used them to quickly build defenses around the city.

Keta was still only the rank of colonel in the war event, just like Larissa. The menus were odd, and I couldn’t grasp why. I wasn’t listed as General, though I still had full control over the entirety of the menu. I wasn’t arrowed, not like how Popper and Gretchen were. Was it because I was king? Was it because both the armies weren’t tied to a specific locale? With the Castellane defense, everything was centered there. With this fight, both armies had cut a scar across the world.

I then realized what the difference was. I was in the War Events section on the Dominion tab, not the Harmony tab. Before, I hadn’t had access to the city tab of the thousands of cities within the Dominion. I could only access Harmony and the Dominion. The Dominion tab didn’t even have a War Events menu. Now, even the Harmony tab was grayed out. But, a new tab had appeared.

I almost stopped dead in the street. I went back to my notifications, and I used the search tab to search for all the missed messages related to Keta. There were multiple, panicked messages from both Larus and Larissa about how Keta had grown crazy and was acting as king, and they didn’t know what to do. But the very first one, having appeared less than an hour after I’d been exiled to Libri was what put it all together.

Your City of Harmony has suffered a coup! Mistress Keta of the Dominion has seized power over the city. You have lost access to the Harmony tab. If Despot Mistress Keta is not deposed within thirty days, you will permanently lose access to your city, and Harmony will revert to city-state status.

Note: Harmony is the capital city of the Dominion. If Harmony gains independence, the seat of Dominion power will move to the selected backup city. Current selection: Port Royal of the former Flounder empire.   

Note: a coup of a metropolis-level city (population 1,000,000+) must be dealt with personally.

Keta had taken over the city. She’d probably intended to take over the entire Dominion, but that’s not what happened. There had to be some checks and balances left in the code, even though it didn’t feel that way. Not just any NPC could be allowed to take over the entire kingdom. Though still… I wondered what would happen if I just gave my dragon helmet to Keta. Or the cook for that matter. Would that work? Would the game crash?

Looking at the Royal Factions menu, it seemed I had the ability to just secede Harmony to Keta with the press of a button. I grunted. Well that wasn’t going to happen any time soon.

I wondered what would happen if I just abdicated, not giving my crown to anyone. There was a button that allowed me to give up my crown.  

I pulled up the sparse help section. It held a single sentence on abdication:

Should a city-state or country-level leader abdicate without choosing a successor, the highest-ranking player currently within the country will be granted the crown.

It seemed the system had generated a new Dominion-wide War Events menu for me, which is why it looked different. In addition to the burning fleet and the Hobgoblin Riot currently besieging Harmony, there was a long, long list of armies and war events around the world. The fighting in Castellane was not listed.

The status of our current situation was grim. The entirety of the royal fleet was decimated, having all been sunk or turned. Keta had managed to build multiple rock islands in the sound, and they were currently engaging the 5,000 plus ships that continued to crowd the deep waters outside the city. These were defensive towers, I realized. Just like in Castellane. They appeared to be the equivalent of level three rock chuckers, upgraded to something called boulder bashers, tossing rock after rock. It seemed like it was too little, too late. Massive siege boats threw rocks of their own at the newly-repaired walls. Archers and mages dotted the tops of the walls and airships dropped bombs on the boats, but they were already on fire, and additional fire didn’t appear to be working.

The undead occupants of these boats simply swam toward shore or climbed upon another boat when theirs was sunk. Thousands of undead, on-fire soldiers gathered at the base of the city wall, waiting for a breach. When that breach came, they would flood into the city. All would be lost.

The giant, blue ship of the three primordials appeared to be hanging back, waiting for the battle to be won.

And that was just on the western coast.

Keta had built a giant wall surrounding the city and had destroyed all but one of the bridges that connected East Harmony with the rest of the city. That brand-new eastern wall was already breached, and the defenders had fallen back past lake Aberdeen, having lost the outer neighborhoods of Harmony—basically the cities of Bellevue and Kirkland in the real world.

The majority of the hobgoblin horde was now contained on Hiram Island, what was Mercer Island in the real world, the same place where Sandra the Learnt had been taken and where her family currently lived. The white jacket and citizen defenders held the long, wide bridge that led to the rest of the city, but it appeared the Riot was constructing thousands of small boats in preparation of their next push. In just a day or two they’d have enough boats to swell over Lake Aberdeen and get to the main part of the city.

As things currently stood, it was a pointless effort. In their race to see who would be first to kill all the citizens of Harmony, the hobgoblins had taken an early lead, but the burning fleet currently had the upper hand. The hobgoblins would be here in a day or two. The burning undead would be upon us in hours, if not sooner.

I wondered idly what the hobgoblins would do when that happened. Would they continue, choosing to fight the undead? Or would they turn around and maybe head south toward Grandeur? That city was also on the coast. Would the burning fleet head that way after they sacked Harmony?

I had so many questions. Both of these armies set out to take over Harmony because it was the Dominion capital. While Keta didn’t have the—power? User access? I didn’t know the right word—to take over the Dominion, I suspected both the primordials and Prince Maghan did. So if they broke into the castle, things would be different. I remembered the passage from the help section in the royal factions tab:

Factions may be defeated either by the surrender of their forces, the taking of their capital, or the defeat of their liege in direct combat.

So whichever army won today, regardless if Keta was in charge or not, would win the Dominion.

A red dot appeared on my map, then a mass of several more. Undead, coming up from a sewer grate. These were zoms. Shamblers. They glowed green, indicating they were poisonous.

Venomous, Gretchen’s voice said in my head.

I felt very alone all of a sudden.

I pulled Triple Fang and spun her up. I cut the undead down as they emerged, one after another. It was like cutting through paper. These were level three or four monsters. I could sneeze on them, and they’d be dead.

These are not worthy foes.

But we smell war in the air.

Yes, bring us to battle. We yearn for open warfare.

I ignored my sword as we approached the castle. Bruce Bruce quivered with excitement. Multiple red dots had appeared on the outskirts of my map, most of them individual undead converging on me. I’d be safe from them in the castle. For a time, at least.

The first drawbridge was still down, but an entire garrison of white jackets stood upon the ramparts, waiting to pull it up at a moment’s notice. I noticed two new towers had been built on the sides of the castle.

Keta is better at this than I am, I thought. And she’s still going to lose.

“King Jonah!” cried a white jacket with the twin bars of a captain’s insignia floating over his head. The older, grizzled human carried a spear, and the white tabard on his armor was stained with fresh blood. “You have returned!”

“And Bruce Bruce has returned as well!” Bruce Bruce announced, striding past the soldiers and heading for the stables.

“The hobgoblins,” I said. “How did they get here so quickly?”

The captain’s eyes went glossy for a flash. “Nobody knows for certain, your majesty. We believe it was the sleds. The king’s road transport system. After the sack of Arcanum, you had said they will likely march upon Temple next, but that is not what they did. Information is scarce, but we believe they took control of the sled system and traveled straight here. Mayor Keta said it was because you abandoned us, and they knew you were gone. But I never believed it, your majesty. I saw you fight the old king in the arena. I know the type of man you are.”

“And where is Mayor Keta right now?” I demanded.

“She is in the throne room,” the captain said, pointing.

“Where are all my friends!” Bruce Bruce yelled, coming out of the stables, which appeared to be almost empty.

“We are at war,” the captain said. “They are on the field where they are needed. If you are not assigned, then I will take you myself.”

“He is already assigned,” I said. “He’s on a mission for your king.” 

I looked in the stables as I passed, and to my relief, Eli and Jenny remained. They only had one companion. At the far end of the stables, in the very last paddock was Keta’s equort. Even the stablemaster was gone. I paused, quickly grasped a pair of carrots off the table and fed one to each of the donkeys. Jenny nuzzled me. I put my head against hers. “Sorry, old girl,” I said. “I don’t think we’re getting out of this one.”

“Bruce Bruce,” I said. “You have a very important job. These two donkeys are important to me. Keep them safe, okay?”

Bruce Bruce looked afraid. But then he cleared his throat and stood straighter. “I am Strong Mount the Powerful. It is my honor to keep them safe.”

I put my hand on Bruce Bruce’s head. “I’m counting on you,” I said, and I turned and headed into the castle.

“Keta!” I roared.

Jonah Note 21

I found her where the captain said she’d be. She sat upon my throne, in the large, ornate, never-used throne room in the third ring of the castle. Besides a pair of white jacket guards who startled at my appearance, she was alone in the room. I dismissed the guards who snapped salutes and fled.

Keta slouched, looking disheveled. She did not seem surprised at my appearance. I approached her purposely, my hand on the hilt of Triple Fang. I didn’t know if she’d fight. I suspected—and hoped—that she wouldn’t.

As I approached, I could smell the vodka. She was drunk. The city was about to fall, and she was completely obliterated.

“Did I ever tell you about my sister?” she asked as I approached.

“Where’s my map?” I demanded, growling the words.

She ignored me. “My parents named her Silverbrite. She was younger than me. So beautiful, so happy all the time, so curious about the world. She’d been cursed. When she was four years old, and I was six, I’d accidentally raised an evil gwishin. The ghost touched my sister and burned out her eyes, giving her the curse of Fatal Sight. My parents thought I was to be a harbinger. They sent me away.”

“Keta,” I said, taking another step forward. “I don’t care. It’s not important right now.”

Keta’s eyes glowed, and light appeared in her hands. Thwump! The entire room trembled, and I took a small amount of damage. Dust cascaded off the ceiling. On the minimap, Keta’s dot flashed red but turned back to white. I did not know what that meant.

“It is important,” she raged, coming to her feet. An empty bottle of vodka flew from her lap and clanged against the floor. It did not break. “It’s the most important thing in this world right now, so do not say another word until I tell you about Silverbrite.” Tears gleamed in her eyes.

“Okay, okay,” I said, holding up my hands. I did not want to fight her, even if she was drunk. I still had my ring that could cast up to three magic protection shells, but even with that, I had no illusions about my chances. “Tell me about your sister.”

“Silverbrite. That’s her name.”

What the hell was wrong with her? “Silverbrite,” I said. “Your sister’s name is Silverbrite. Please tell me why she’s important right now.”

“I was sent away to Harmony to train with the harbingers. I was six years old. Not just because I showed promise, but to also keep my sister safe. It was a few years later they decided to send me to the earth mages.”

“Okay,” I said, trying not to let my frustration show. Outside I heard another pair of explosions.

“When I became an adept, I started to earn a wage. I was twelve years old. I hadn’t been home since I was six. I only received irregular messages from my father. Never my mother. He spoke of the daily agony of Silverbrite’s condition. I sent them money, pleading for them to bring her here to Harmony. I worked with the greatest healers in the world, and I knew someone would be able to help my poor sister. Still, my parents never brought her.”

Keta stumbled a few steps and picked up the empty vodka bottle. She cursed and threw it across the room. It still did not break.

“I became immersed in my work. I rose in the ranks, eventually becoming the king’s magic advisor. I still wrote to my parents, pleading for them to come to Harmony. They stopped answering. I did not know if my sister lived or died. So, when I saw your map, I thought… I thought I could go there to my sister and bring her back here. I could do this before the invasion.”

“You didn’t have to steal my map,” I said. “If you’d simply asked me, of course I would have let you use it.”

She ignored this.

“I went to my village to find my sister and to see if my parents still lived. Do you know what I found?”

“What?” I asked.

“My parents were still there, but they did not know me. They were not any older than when I’d left so many years before. My sister was there, too, eyes burned out. She was still four years old, suffering every day. My parents spoke of their other daughter, but her name was not Keta. It was Annette. Six years old. She’d accidentally cast Wall Break, unknowingly opening a tomb. A small spell. An innocent mistake, common amongst children discovering their powers. She’d just done it a few days before. She did it every Friday morning. Her parents thought she summoned the gwishin herself, rending open the Marshlands to pull the ghost into the world. They didn’t realize the truth, that the ghost had been there the whole time, buried in a stone tomb.”

Keta sat back down on the throne. “They did not know me,” she repeated. “But they spoke of how scared they were of their other daughter, this Annette.” Keta took a breath. “My mother, Annette’s mother, she asked me if I would destroy the girl for her.” She put her face into her hands and began to sob.

Christ. What do I do? Before I could say anything, she continued.

“Every Tuesday, you see, they’d do this thing. The townsfolk would come to our home, and they would throw a net on the girl, and they would drag her to the sea. They drowned her, terrified of the young harbinger. Only she wasn’t a harbinger, she was an earth mage. Not that it matters. She was just a little girl. A six-year-old girl, and they drowned her every week.”

I remained silent as Keta wiped her eyes.

“‘How can you do this?’ I said to my parents. ‘This is your own daughter!’ And they replied, ‘Do you see what she’s done? She will curse us all!’ So I agreed to take her back with me to Harmony. But when I went to this girl’s room, where her parents had kept to her locked up… I entered this room, to see this young version of myself, so young and so scared, and we just looked at each other for several moments. Then she blinked and disappeared. My mother and father disappeared. Silverbrite disappeared. Before my eyes, my family home flashed and turned decrepit, as if it’d been abandoned this whole time.”

Holy shit, I thought. Keta had forced some sort of game paradox. The game had corrected, and she’d witnessed it and remembered.

“I first thought this was some terrible spell. I went to the local tavern to see if anyone remembered me. I did not find any who knew me. They did not know my family. It was as if they never existed. But I did find this.”

She pulled a book into the air, and she threw it accusingly on the ground in front of me.

“My sister, my sister is not real. She never was real. The real Silverbrite, my not-sister still existed for a time. She suffered every day. She suffered every day for thousands of years until I visited her and banished her from this imaginary world. And now I have no family. No one. All of this work I remember doing, it was never done. I am a construct, an illusion, a plaything of the gods.” She looked at me. “You have done this. You have created me, given me these memories of love, of loss, of pain for your own entertainment.”

I stared at the book. Holy shit. NPCs weren’t supposed to be able to read it. It wasn’t meant for them at all. What had I done?

“Keta,” I said. “I am so sorry. If you’ve read the book, you know I am no god. I do not want to be here. I am trapped, and I want to get out.”

“I cannot read all of this. Much is obscured, but I understand enough to know the truth about myself. How many of you are there? Do you not see what is happening to this city? Do you not see the death? Is this how you amuse yourself?”

“Keta, again. This is not my doing. I do not wish to be here. I just want to go home.”

“That is what he says, but I’m not certain I believe him. I believe you may be a celestial. You have created this illusion for your own entertainment. He says we must strive to understand your motivations before we are to decide if you’re to be destroyed.”

My blood ran cold. “Who says that? Who is he?”

“She speaks of Rector Smallthunder, of course,” a new voice said. She’d slinked into the room behind me, and I hadn’t noticed. She stood next to me now, a familiar moon auric.

“Yi,” I said.

“Your majesty,” Yi said, bowing. “Is it just you? Where is Gretchen and the small, angry one?”

“They are not here,” I said. “Where is Smallthunder? Is he here?”

“He is not,” Yi said. “He was, but I just returned him to Grandeur. He is off to find some old friends, and soon he will return to prepare his army for the march north to take this city back from whomever will win this conflict. I just arrived myself to take the mayor to safety, at Smallthunder’s request.”

“Keta,” I said, ignoring Yi for the moment. “I wish you no harm. I still don’t understand what you did. But I’m not angry. You’ve done a much better job preparing the city defenses than I ever would have. I kind of wish we’d had you in Castellane.”

“Castellane?” Yi asked, putting her hand on my arm. Her grip was iron. “Is that where Gretchen is? There is a terrible demon besieging that city. Rector Smallthunder said all the defenders will be destroyed, that they have no idea the power they face. He says we are to go there after we take back this city. He’d contemplated going there now, but he said even he wasn’t powerful enough to face down this Akkorokamui. He said she’d devoured most of the other demon lords of Orochi and had taken it for herself. She is the Empress of the Orochi.”

Factions update! The status of the Orochi Dynasty has changed from Uncontacted to War.

Wonderful. Just wonderful.  

Yi opened her mouth to say something else, but Keta interrupted her.

“I’d like to say I did it for the map,” she said. “I’d like to say I did it for my sister. I knew I’d be better at protecting this city than you. I’d like to say I did it because of that. But that is all a lie. I saw the opportunity, and I took it.” She brushed her hand across the throne. “But it seems this imaginary world of yours won’t allow me to be queen.”

“Keta, where is my map?” I asked again.

“I gave it to him. Smallthunder. He was quite taken with it,” she said.

Godamnit.

“You can have it back,” Yi said. “Come with us to Grandeur. There is no saving this city. He wishes to speak with you.”

A surprising notification popped up.

You have received a reward! 25,000 jacks have been added to your account. You have received three training tokens!

You have received a bonus reward! You may choose a class-based spell for free. You may choose this spell at any Hunter Guild.

Godamnit Popper, I thought again. It appeared we’d won the wave after all, and that I’d still received the reward for fighting during the wave, despite leaving before it was done. Did that mean I would’ve received the penalty also? Either way, had I been banished for nothing?

I sighed. I looked between the two. An idea started to form. But first I needed to know where I stood with these two women. “Keta,” I said. “Are you planning on killing me tonight?”

She waved her hand drunkenly. “If I wanted you dead, I would not have pushed you through the portal. I do not wish harm upon you, King Jonah. I like you very much.”

“I’ll take that as a no,” I said. “Yi, are you planning on bonking me over the head and dragging me to Grandeur?”

A slight smile curled her lips. “As I said before, Rector Smallthunder does not force others to come to him. All must come on their own volition. He seems to believe you will come to him soon if you do not die. And die you will if you stay here. We flew in over the burning fleet. It has grown quite a bit since the last time we saw it. Between them and these deceived who are pounding their way into your city on the other side, you will not likely last the night.”

A guard burst into the room.

“Your majesty,” he called. “We have been forced to close the drawbridge. All the undead in the city are marching on the castle. It is the end of days!”

“It’s not the end of days, not yet,” I said. “Where is Larus and Larissa?”

“Colonel Larus is leading the eastern front against the hobgoblins,” the soldier said. “Larissa is upon the wall facing the burning fleet.”

Colonel Larus? I tried to imagine the seagull creature as a war leader. The idea was ridiculous.

Yi’s eyes had grown huge. “Did your curse just trigger? With the fleet right outside?”

“Yes,” I said. “And I need your help. I need to borrow your ship for a bit.”

Yi frowned. “The Yeowang Bam is already hired.” She indicated Keta, who was drifting on her chair. “Smallthunder has requested I save her. She I will bonk on the head if I must to get to safety.”

“I am not leaving,” Keta said, startling herself awake. “This is my city, and I will not abandon her people!”

“If you do as I ask,” I said to Yi, “she will be safe for at least another day or two. No bonking required.”

Jonah Note 22

“She’s in love with you, you know,” Yi said as we rose into the sky. The familiar, hairless goblins rushed about the old airship, pouring water onto the moon gardens that flourished upon the ship’s deck. In the distance, the western horizon glowed red. Hundreds of gold and white airships floated above the sound. They’d given up on dropping firebombs and were now being used as floating archer and mage platforms.

The drakes of the royal air guard zipped about the airships, drawing the attacks of the undead mages and archers.

I’d ordered Larissa to send a few of the airships and drakes west to harry the building of the boats by the hobgoblin invaders. The hobgoblins had simply pulled back into the trees and started working on the boats under cover. Hiram Island was covered with dense forest, and they had plenty of supplies for the quick construction of their fleet. Larus had opted to focus on building defenses on the beach instead of counterattacking. Fighting hobgoblins in a forested region was considered outright suicide.

“Who is in love with me?” I asked. I was assuming she meant Gretchen, which was both ridiculous and hilarious.

“Keta,” Yi said. “She is quite taken. Rector Smallthunder also seems to be fascinated by you, though in a different way. He seems to think you’re important, but he does not yet know if you’re a savior or a destroyer. This book of yours. I can not read it, but Smallthunder says I am in it.”

My mind reeled. Waldo had warned me against writing and publishing that damn book.

“If Keta is in love with me, she has a funny way of showing it,” I said.

Yi grunted. “That is the human half of her. Half-aurics tend to live conflicted lives.”

The Yeowang Bam had been parked above the castle on one of the many airship platforms. After I explained to Yi my plan of pied-pipering the burning fleet away, she’d readily agreed to give it a try.

Before all this bullshit happened, one of our working plans was for me to go outside, allow my curse to trigger, and then for me to get on an airship and lead the fleet away into a prearranged bay, where we’d have a trap of some sort set up that would sink and destroy the entirety of the fleet in one fell swoop. We’d been in the early stages of planning the trap part when we’d gotten sucked into the Castellane conflict.

For now, the plan was to lead them away along the twisting paths of the Puget Sound into a deep but narrow inlet called Oakland Bay in the real world. After the majority of the ships passed into the neck of the 10-mile-long inlet, I’d have some of Keta’s new rock singers throw boulders into the neck of the inlet, trapping them.

However, looking now it was obvious this plan wouldn’t work. Five thousand ships took up a lot of space. A lot more space than I anticipated. The burning fleet had always been huge, stretching to the horizon, but my mind hadn’t really parsed how many ships that was. This was over 600,000 undead. A literal sea of ships. The vast majority of them were the common three-masted galleons, each packed with about 200 or so warriors. The rest were an eclectic mishmash of ships ranging from small, single-masted merchant vessels to the enormous siege boats, each the size of a modern cargo ship with multiple trebuchets mounted atop. As I rose into the sky, I realized with horror that I could probably jump off the wall and hop from deck to deck of the burning ships and make it out of the sound and into the ocean without ever getting wet. I could barely see any water in that conflagration. An ocean of undead surged across the decks and had started to climb over themselves at the walls, all centered directly west of Castle Harmony. It was something out of a zombie-themed nightmare.

“Maybe if we trap the blue ship,” I called over to Yi, indicating the massive, five-masted lead boat of the primordial’s army.

“I don’t know if that’s possible,” Yi said. “These boats are so closely-packed that any disruption to their momentum will cause chaos. Your original plan will still work, but probably not as intended.”

We drifted high, out of reach of the magic bolts and arrows, higher even than the white jacket airships who bobbed below us like clouds.

“I hope you haven’t summoned any other flying undead,” Yi muttered, scanning the darkness. The last time we’d been over these waters, we’d attracted an angel horror, who’d ended up causing the death of both Yi and Larissa.

I watched as we flew west over the sound. We’d soon turn south, staying over the water. At first I didn’t see any discernable difference in the navy below. Each and every one of those undead was now bound to me, and they were cursed just as I was. More so, even. They no longer had any choice in the matter. They existed only to track me down and kill me, and they always knew where I was. There would be no place for me to hide. Last time I’d attracted only a small portion of the navy, but it included the lead ship, which had turned to follow, disrupting their attack on Valisa. It had taken the primordials several days to purge their ranks of the ruined undead and to resume their mission.

Now the entirety of the fleet was attached to me, and they would go where I went.

I had to get back to Harmony. I had a whole host of things I needed to do and precious little time. But first I’d lead these ships as far away as I could, giving the beleaguered defenders some breathing room, if only for a day.

Below, the first signs that the ships were trying to turn around. The undead at the walls lurched away, heading back into the water. They scrambled back to the closest ships, which started to flounder under the crush of undead warriors trying to get back to sea. The nets on the sides of the galleons swarmed. A burning boat tipped over.

We passed over the long line of boats, flying south. Eventually we came to open water. Sparkling lights shone up through the water, indicating large pools of fish along with much larger sea creatures as well. I caught sight of a tentacle arm twisting out of the water. The undulating arm had to be twenty feet long.

At this height, I could also see the distant line of destruction wrought by the hobgoblins. They had swarmed over the eastern wall. Thank goodness for the bridges and Lake Aberdeen, otherwise the whole of the city would’ve already fallen. Their army of almost 500,000 would not be so easily distracted.

One thing at a time, I thought.

I opened up the War Events page. The way chat worked with this new menu interface was a little different, and I didn’t like it as much. I had to mentally pull up a box. It didn’t automatically pop up like it normally did. I supposed this way was better when I was dealing with multiple war events around the world, each with their own contained chat. Still, I’d gotten so used to the more simple messaging format.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Millicent. Does this work? Can you hear me?

Millicent: I am here.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Has it been long enough? Are the fairies ready for work?

Millicent: We are ready and waiting for your command.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Okay, I don’t need you just yet. But be on alert. I will call you soon.

Millicent: Excellent. I look forward to feasting upon the tattered flesh of our enemies.

We floated for several hours, moving slowly to make sure the burning fleet followed. Larissa reported that the bay in front of the wall was a shattered mess of sinking and floundering boats, but the majority of them were underway toward my position. The undead who hadn’t made it back onto boats were now walking south along the wall, pointedly ignoring the archers above them and the rising tide to their right, which would soon wash most of them out to sea.

Larissa sounded ecstatic in her message, but I knew this was only a temporary victory. They’d be back. Destroying the entire fleet would be almost impossible. One way or another, the burning fleet would have to be dealt with ship by ship, and eventually I’d have to face these three primordial gods. Hopefully that wouldn’t be today.

I slept—thankfully the game allowed me to sleep—resetting my regen on Yi’s airship.

Lights dotted the coast as we flew. I wanted to stop and warn these people. With the undead on land, anyone caught in the herd would turn undead. Hopefully the undead warrior’s single-mindedness would keep the civilians safe.

We alighted in a small fishing village called Grove. The town was bigger than Icardi, but not by much. It sat upon the eastern shore of where I was leading the ships. The first would arrive in a couple hours, having to navigate the myriad of waterways. If we managed to hold them back long enough for a sizeable portion of the fleet to get into the long, L-shaped inlet, then we will have bought ourselves some time. Not much, but it would have to do.

I knew we had to abandon this village. This time tomorrow, there would be nothing left. But it seemed the village was already abandoned. Most every adult in the village had probably been arrowed, but where were the children and elderly?

“There are children upon the wall,” Yi said as if she’d read my mind. “I saw this myself. Smallthunder gave Keta and your royal guard some tips on how to effectively recruit volunteers for the defense force. Instead of working inside and going out, which has a tendency to cause the people to run, you work your way outside in.”

We waited in the dark. Yi barked orders at her goblins, and I poked around the town, making certain it was indeed empty. I found no signs of life, only indications of the town’s swift recruitment. A cart was overturned, and apples lay rotting on the ground around it. Doors stood open, revealing dinner tables with food upon them. I could tell the white jackets had descended upon the town around 6 P.M., the standard closing time of village markets. They’d done it when everyone was either at the center of town or in their homes, preparing dinner.

How many NPCs did we arrow?

I pulled up the War Events menu and went digging around. The current number of arrowed citizens was solid—around 250,000. But now it seemed that number was terribly low. Many million people lived in the country of Aberdeen, and I’d only so far seen a handful of people who weren’t arrowed.

I found a history tab, but the stats within didn’t make much sense. After some fiddling around, however, I found a summary page for each day.

Two days before was when the hobgoblins had arrived and breached the eastern wall. Keta had put several battalions of NPCs outside and inside the walls, and she’d put Larus in charge. They’d all been destroyed, bowled over by the battle-hardened and armored hobgoblins. I stared at that number, gobsmacked.

As a colonel, Larus only had the ability to actively control 10,000 citizens at a time. The rest had been left to fend for themselves.

Almost 750,000 dead. A cataclysm. The mounted hobgoblins and the shamans had made quick work of the people.

I fell to my knees before I realized what I was doing.

These are NPCs. They will be back. They’re not really dead.

I thought of Keta’s sister, of Silverbrite. I didn’t know what the nature of that curse was, but it was described as painful. And she suffered it every day? It made my torment in the Lake seem like nothing.

I have to stop this, I thought. It was the first time such a realization came upon me. These NPCs… They are real people. They feel, they think. They don’t know they’re in a simulation. How many more NPCs were out there like that four-year-old girl? Suffering every day? Why? Because of some quest?

“I have to stop this,” I said again, this time out loud. Yi looked at me, cocking her head to the side.

“Tell me about him,” I said to Yi. “About Smallthunder. What does he want?”

“He promises we will one day see the words. He says Keta is closer than anyone he’s ever ministered to. It is why he wishes to keep her safe.”

“But what does he want?” I asked again, frustrated. I wasn’t even certain what I was looking for, but this not knowing was just killing me.

Yi was silent for a few moments. “He has me and his other scouts search the world for the awakening. It is how I found you. But there are others he seeks as well. He speaks of a great injustice that must be punished. In the name of Tharon, they will suffer an eternity of pain. Keta knows where some of these people are, which is why she was granted such great powers. Smallthunder is dealing with them now, these betrayers. When he returns, he will form his army to take back Harmony.”

Keta knows where some of these people are.

Holy crap. Isabella. Smallthunder is looking for Isabella.

Of course. If she and her partners murdered half the crew of The Hibiscus, then of course Smallthunder wanted to find her.

And I had found her. Keta knew exactly where she was because she was the one who opened a portal for me. Is that why Isabella and her friends were training? So they could fight Smallthunder?

Damnit. I now had more questions than ever. I pulled up the system information menu, looking at the number of online players. It was still at 13. Had Smallthunder found Isabella and her crew yet? Had they gotten away?

I felt a moment of panic, and I wasn’t sure why. Are you scared that he’s going to get to her first or are you scared because you still want her to be the good guy?

“Why don’t you come back with me, and you can ask these questions of him yourself?”

I almost said yes. I had an overwhelming urge to find answers.

But every other instinct I had told me that Smallthunder was no good. He was just as bad as Daniels.

Over the war messenger, a male astound announced the front line of ships were now entering the inlet. Moving at about five knots, they’d be here in just under two hours. Just as they arrived, we’d have to head back. If I waited longer, we risked Yi losing moonlight and the ability to fly her ship.

The astound and a few guards had been brought via airship to the mouth of the inlet. He wouldn’t be able to completely block it off, and many of the ships would not yet even be there, but a well-placed boulder would throw them into further chaos.

On the ground by the shore, I spied a simple fishing pole. I still had my fly rod in my bag, wrapped up and untouched. I had not fished since we’d woken up in the game. I hadn’t even touched a fishing pole. I was a level 86 fisherman, and I had not fished. Not once. The quiet inlet twinkled with lights of fish along with a few brighter spots, indicating sunken treasure.

I grabbed the discarded fishing pole, preparing to cast it into the water.

I froze in place as the line of notifications appeared.

You have discovered the Mastery ability to cast Create Fishing Pole.

You have discovered the Mastery ability to cast Create Bait.

You have discovered the Mastery ability to cast Create Hook.

You have discovered the Mastery ability to locate Fishing Guilds.

You have discovered the Mastery ability to Tame Leviathan!

You have discovered the Mastery ability to wield pole as weapon!

You have discovered the Mastery ability to cast Silence.

An additional 20-plus mastery abilities appeared, one after another, all having to deal with the act of fishing. I had assumed I’d already received all my fishing-related abilities that one time I’d stepped into the water. Obviously that was wrong. I could create a neverending stream of fishing wire. I could negotiate cheaper prices on fishing hooks, though I didn’t need that because I could now create both poles and hooks. Some of the other abilities were also made obsolete by better versions. (I had Repair Fishing Pole, Mend Fishing Pole, Duplicate Fishing Pole, Create Fishing Pole, and Enchant Fishing Pole.) I could already summon fish and see fish in the water and find water sources. I now had the ability to automatically know the fish’s breed and name. I could determine a fish’s value just by looking at it. I could now breed fish, too, whatever the hell that meant.

Curious, I dropped the pole, opened my pack, and pulled out the fly-fishing rod. It was wrapped in a cloth and had been the entire time. I unwrapped it. I received another line of fly-fishing related abilities, most of them useless. One, however, caught my eye.

You have discovered the Mastery ability to fish the clouds!

What did that mean? It had an exclamation mark, so it had to be something good. I’d have to figure it out later. Still, with the fly rod in my hand I felt deadly, like with the first time I’d held an urumi. I eyed a small fishing canoe about 30 feet away, pulled up onto the shore. I tossed out my weighted line, back cast, and then looped the line, casting sideways toward the canoe. The fly smashed into the canoe with a satisfying thump. The wood on the canoe audibly cracked.

“Huh,” I said, back casting again and transferring the lure back into the water. This time the fly landed perfectly smooth onto the surface, alighting like a feather.

Fly fishing in the dark was an exercise in futility, but I saw the twinkling lights of several fish zipping toward the lure, as if drawn to it. I stripped the line, allowing the fastest of the fish to catch it. My reel spun as the fish was hooked. I could immediately tell this was a big, heavy fish.

Damn. At this level, it’s almost too easy.

I reeled the fish in, and it glided out of the water. It was an ugly bugger, wide with large spikes on its back.

Words floated over its head. Quillback Rockfish. Rarity: Common. Value: 25 fishmonger. 35 chemist. Weight: 2.7 kgs. Length: .8 meters. This fish is safe to eat.

I grasped the fish, and a small bell rang in my head. A single ruby fell out of its mouth. I looked at the gem in surprise. Then I remembered I had a weird mastery ability called Catch of the Day. It gave me a random bonus once a day from the mouth of the first fish I caught.

I pocketed the ruby and tossed the rockfish back into the water. 

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Uh, Gretchen. Here’s a protip. Find a fishing pole and try to catch something. Do it as soon as you can.

We returned to the deck of Yi’s boat as the first burning ship turned the corner and entered this last part of the inlet, like some sort of flaming beast emerging from hell. Then another and another appeared. Soon, a wall of fire descended upon us.

I asked the astound if the five-masted ship of the primordials had entered the neck, and to my surprise, he said it had. It’d passed by fifteen minutes earlier. The astound had built multiple boulders, and they would roll them into the narrow channel on our orders. 

Yi pulled us into the air before we were in range of their arrows and spells. Above, the sight had an odd beauty to it, fire streaked across the dark water.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Do it now. Drop the boulder.

The trip back to Harmony only took a half hour, and most of that was spent rising and then landing on the castle’s landing platform.

The entire harbor burned. The air guard was out in force, cutting down the stragglers. Masses of the undead remained at the walls, trapped on a thin strip of land as the tide had come in. Without the fleet to breach the wall, however, they were trapped, uselessly scrabbling against the vertical stone while high above, archers picked them off one by one.

The burning would spend some time digging themselves out of the inlet and would be back, despite what I’d done. Still, we’d dealt them a blow. I’d give us 12 hours, maybe more. I hoped it was enough. If not, I’d have to do it all over again, though Yi had made it clear she wasn’t intending on remaining in the city.

We’d diverted some of the city guard to clean up all the undead rattling around the city streets, and it appeared most had been dealt with. Apparently some undead beetle things were still going berserk near the zoo, and a high-level vampire had managed to turn an entire platoon before some paladins managed to banish it. The interior of the city was once again secure.

Jonah note 23

Keta waited for us as we disembarked. She looked at me sheepishly as we descended back into the fourth ring of the castle. I’d always seen the half-auric as powerful, larger-than-life, the only one in the room who always had her shit together. Now she looked nothing more than a nervous, timid woman. “I apologize for drinking to excess,” she said. “I am better now.”

That’s what you apologize for?

I opened my mouth to say something when Larus burst into the room in a flurry, coming from one of the window slits above, flapping loudly as he landed on the floor in front of me.

“Your majesty!” Larus cried. “I had to see it for myself. You have returned to us!”

Larus wore the same spiked helmet he’d been wearing the first time I’d met him. The hat’s plumage was scorched to hell, and soot covered his feathers.

I looked at the seagull, and I immediately felt sick to my stomach. He was the leader on the eastern flank. 750,000 NPCs lost. That number… It was so big my mind couldn’t fathom it. That was the population of a city, all gone.

“What’s the situation?” I asked him.

He flapped into the air and landed on my shoulder so we could talk while I headed toward my bedroom. “The hobgoblins are currently cornered on Hiram Island. Just before you arrived, we decided to burn the bridges leading to and away. So now they can only get across in their boats. In the morning, the rock singers will build a pair of towers that will help sink these boats when they emerge.”

“How’s morale?” I asked.

“Uh,” the seagull said, sounding uncertain. “We had some setbacks in the first several hours of the fighting, and it has hurt morale, I am afraid. The hobgoblins do not fight with honor, and they are a brutal enemy to face down. They swarmed over the walls, climbing them like they weren’t even there. The lines broke, and people ran. They were cut down by the thousands. Prince Maghan, that giant brute of a leader. He fights with a large, black bow. It shoots black arrows with a red tip that will follow you, even around a corner. He took out an officer standing right next to me. It was most unpleasant.”

“Okay, here’s what’s going to happen,” I said. “I am going to my chambers, and I am going to be gone for several hours. While I’m gone, several things need to happen.” I relayed to Larus and Keta my orders. 

 I had to talk to Waldo. It’d been too long, and I needed to know if the AI had any advice. I had precious little time, and we’d lose even more of it when I talked to him. Time moved much more quickly when I entered that odd, small room next to the royal bedroom.

“Your majesty,” Keta said “I think I know what you’re intending, and there’s a problem.”

I strode into my bedchamber, followed by Keta and Yi. Larus still remained on my shoulder.  “What do you mean?” I asked. I stopped dead. “What the hell? What happened to my room?”

The west wall of my room had changed. Before, the wall was flat with a simple doorway that led to a pitch-black room. In that room was a round, stone globe. If I put my hand on it, I was transported to another, blank room. There I could have a conversation with the disembodied voice of Waldo.

The door was gone, and the wall was now curved. I was filled with a terrible, sinking feeling.

“Smallthunder suggested we add some new defenses to the castle,” Keta said. “I approved the construction. We had to remove your meditation closet in the process.”

“My meditation closet?” I asked.

“He has the artifact,” Yi said, coming into my room. She ran her hand across the soft sheets of the bed. She smiled. I’d had the stewards model my room after the state rooms on The Yeowang Bam. Despite having a pretty awful time during my first journey on her airship, I’d really liked the setup of the extravagant rooms.

“The celestial tear,” Yi said. “He has it along with your map. He didn’t believe you’d ever return to the city, and he kept them for safekeeping. They are both yours. You just need to go get it back.”

“How very thoughtful of him,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Keta and Yi, tell me something,” I asked. “When Smallthunder was here, did he utilize my ‘meditation’ room? And if so, was he in there long?”

“He went in the room, yes,” Keta said. She still sounded a little drunk when she talked. “But he was only there for a few moments, not hours like you usually are.”

He has me, I thought. He knew that was my method of talking to the AI, and he took it. I would have to go get it back. Him taking my map was irritating, but not the end of the world. I could always make another one. But the globe thing. Yi had called it a celestial tear. Having it was absolutely necessary. Without it, everything was thrown into disarray.

“Okay, okay,” I said. “I guess I’ll have to go without my meditation today. Everyone get to work.”

I locked eyes with Keta, who—to her credit—refused to look away. “Can I trust you?”

“Do you have a choice?”

I sighed. “Okay. Let’s do this.”

* * *

“King Jonah, we always welcome a member of the Hunters Guild, even in these dark times. I see you are level 36 and have 17 training tokens. You may choose a subclass if you wish for five tokens. I also see you have credit for a free spell. Would you like to learn it now?”

I smiled at the grizzled guild master. While the city had been thrown into chaos, the guild remained the same. I’d been worried that I’d come here to find the guild empty. It was empty, unlike the last time I’d come here, but the guild master remained along with several of the instructors. They were either immune to being arrowed or they’d hidden themselves well.

I hadn’t thought too much about subclasses, and I hadn’t come here for that. Still, I was curious. “What subclasses are available?”

The guildmaster nodded sagely. “At level 35, you gained access to Beastmaster, Ranger, Sniper, Seeker, and Trapper. At levels 40 and 50, you gain access to further subclasses. Be wary, however. Once you make a choice, it is a permanent one. So choose wisely. Some of these choices require you to use a different guild hall.”

“Really?” I said. “Which ones?”

“The Beastmaster subclass would require you to use the Warden hall. The Sweep subclass, which you may choose at level 40 will require you to move to the Rogue hall. The Bowmaster Valiant is for Paladins, the Leviathan Rider must travel to Lihjamo and train at the Fishing Guild, and so forth.”

“What is a Leviathan Rider?” I asked, intrigued. I now had two “leviathan” related skills, and I had no idea what it really meant. I had the ability to both summon and tame a leviathan, which I assumed to be a whale or something. It sounded pretty awesome, especially since I could also breathe underwater. I hadn’t really spent too much time exploring it because I hadn’t enough mystic points to cast it yet. The summon spell cost 51 mystic points, and I currently had a base of five in magic ability plus one from my watch and another when I was holding Triple Fang, giving me a seven in magic ability for a grand total of 35 mystic points.

“It would be a good subclass for you, seeing how proficient at fishing you are,” the guild master said. “You may choose it at level 50. Leviathan Riders hunt the oceans on the backs of great beasts, taking down even larger prey.”

I sighed. That sounded utterly badass and completely useless to what I needed to accomplish now. “I’ll save my choice for later. I’m also going to save my training tokens for now. I just want to cash in that free spell.”

“Very well,” the guild master said. “What would you like to learn?”

A long, long list of spells appeared floating in front of me. The ones I already knew, such as Bind Mount and Silence were greyed out. From what Gretchen had said, hunters had the shortest list of available spells of all the classes, less than even warriors and barbarians. I scrolled through until I found the one I wanted. Track Bipedal Prey. The spell seemed close, but not perfect. I read through a few with similar names until I found what I wanted.

“That’s the one,” I said, pointing.

Jonah Note 24

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Okay, guys. I’m going in the water now. Keep me updated.

Gretchen: We’re about to drop Chief Musa off with this wark-ee queen. Hopefully she’ll kill him right away. There should be a system message when it happens.

I grasped the Warmth potion and downed it. It tasted oddly like hot chocolate. It lasted for one hour, and it would keep me from freezing to death once I went in the water. I stood with Keta and Larus at the edge of the water, overlooking the freshwater Lake Aberdeen. Yi remained in town, but she’d taken to the skies, aiding the war effort by agreeing to drop rocks on the incoming boats.

In the real world, this was a small peninsula that jutted out into the water on the eastern edge of Seattle. Just under a kilometer away, due east was Hiram Island. In the trees in the distance, thousands upon thousands of cookfires glowed. The sound of drunken singing rose into the night, despite the late hour.

It was just past midnight. By all estimations, the hobgoblins would mount their raid at first light, which was in five and a half hours.

Larissa: It is as we feared. The burning fleet has broken free, and they are now returning to the harbor. The airships and drakes are focusing on the siege boats, but there are so many. I fear the worst, your majesty. This undead horde is insatiable.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Hold them back as much as you can. Let me know the moment the city’s walls are breached.

Larissa: I must again relate my disapproval of this plan of yours.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: I appreciate your concern, Larissa. But kindly fuck off.

I slipped my feet into the flippers and pulled the goggles down over my eyes. I’d read once long ago something about scuba divers and their ballast requirements and how more experienced divers used less weight on their bodies and how they could control how their body floated just by how they breathed.

I wanted to obtain something slightly below neutral buoyancy when I was in the water. I didn’t want to sink like a brick, but I needed to make sure I wouldn’t pop up like a cork, either. I had no idea how to do that. I’d spent some time earlier talking with Gretchen about it, and she suggested I find and buy a pollywog harness, which was basically a vest that I could adjust as I swam. I pressed a button on the side, and it adjusted my weight either up or down.

I found and located an abandoned shop that sold diving gear. Unlike the guild hall, this shop was abandoned. I broke down the door and took everything I needed, including goggles, a couple Warmth potions, flippers, and a head lamp. Gretchen actually had a spell that let her see underwater in the dark, but I didn’t.

I’d received a temporary criminal brand for my theft, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sell the equipment I took, but now wasn’t the time to worry about that. The guards at the castle actually moved in like they were going to arrest me when they saw the brand, but I’d barked at them to stop, and they complied.

Without any further fanfare, I stepped into the water and started walking.

The water was bitingly cold, despite the Warmth potion. I knew without the potion, I’d probably be dead in a few minutes. I eyed the shore of Hiram Island as I quickly walked in over my head.

I was transported to a new world.

The moment I was submerged, I tested out my ability to breathe underwater. I took a breath, not sure what was going to happen. I felt my lungs fill with water, and the feeling was both terrifying and painful for a handful of seconds. I breathed out, and felt water rushing out of my neck. I reached up to feel a set of gills. Weird. After a few moments of breathing in and out like this, I became used to the feeling.

The water angled down at a quick pace, going from two fathoms—twelve feet—to 18 fathoms before levelling out. I adjusted my harness until I floated about thirty feet down. I wanted to turn my magical head lantern on, but I didn’t want anyone on the surface to see it.

Twinkling lights surrounded me. All manner of fish lazily drifted about in the water, all around me in every direction. I kept a wary eye out for red dots, but so far I didn’t see anything. Keta warned that human sized crawfish lived in the depths but were only dangerous if one walked on the lake floor. A race of hostile kelpie also lived in the lake, but they lived a bit further north.

To be safe, I unfurled Triple Fang and held it curled in my hands. The Enflame enchantment did not work underwater. I made a few test thrusts to see if I could still fight with my sword in this place.

The blades were sluggish and unresponsive, but with a lot of strength, I managed to spin them up, creating a mini whirlpool all around me.

What is this coldness?

Why are we submerged?

We fear these depths. Remove us now.

“Shut up,” I said to my sword as I kicked my legs to propel me forward. The words came out naturally, like I wasn’t talking underwater, though they sounded hollow and distant to my ears. It took some time to get the movement right. I found a frog kick propelled me forward in quick bursts, but a simple up and down swimming motion allowed me to glide smoothly along.

About halfway through, I started receiving messages that the burning fleet had recommenced bombarding the city wall. The notification that Chief Musa was dead came shortly thereafter. Good. Right on time.

Fish darted all around me. Each fish had its name, value, weight, and length floating over its head. The shining letters helped me orient myself in the blackness of the lake.

I saw the red dot moving in on my map before I sensed it. I twirled around, looking for the threat. There. It coiled through the water, picking off fish one by one. It moved too fast for me to see what it was, but it was long and furry, like a tiger-sized otter. It didn’t have any information over its head, indicating it wasn’t any sort of fish. It darted away, just as quickly as it came.

I debated switching off my light. I knew I was a target with it on, but without it I couldn’t see a thing down here. I quickly kicked away, hoping it wouldn’t follow.

I approached the shore, and I did finally click off my light as the water’s depth decreased. I kicked off the flippers and removed the goggles, peering off into the dark.

In the short time I’d been underwater, the singing and reverie of the hobgoblins had stopped. The fires still burned, dotting the forest beyond the beach like an endless army of fireflies. The exact number of hobgoblins was something like 410,000. Earlier, the number had been almost 470,000, but a larger contingent of hobgoblins had left, using their boats to travel west and to the mainland. We’d worried they were flanking, but the flying scouts said the hobgoblins swarmed back over the eastern wall and fled into the mountains. The scouts also stated a few hobgoblin arrows flew at them as they fled, so it appeared to be some sort of internal conflict. Or a trick. Either way, it didn’t matter. Whether it was 410,000 or 470,000, the remaining number was impossibly huge. As long as the defectors kept going east, we could worry about them later.

The bulk of the Riot would be spread over the entirety of the island. Sunrise would be in five hours. I had until then to find Chief Maghan in all of this.

Nothing moved on the rocky beach. I scanned for any signs of life, utilizing my hunter’s skill. I had the sense that something would be watching. No military commander would leave this beach unwatched.

I had five Invisibility potions. Each one lasted 10 minutes. According to Keta, I had to wait at least five minutes between using each one. I could drink it before that, but the spell wouldn’t last as long. If I drank a third potion without waiting the five minutes, I’d get a “Potion Sickness” debuff which weakened me greatly.  

There. A furtive movement in the trees just north of where I waited. I should have known. The hobgoblins were excellent climbers, and the tall, red trees of this island were perfect for them to move about in.

I didn’t have a good ranged attack, so I had to rely on stealth. I hated having to waste an Invisibility potion, but I didn’t have a choice. I pulled the potion from underneath my pollywog harness and downed it. The 10-minute timer commenced. I also cast Silence, which allowed me to move silently without impeding my ability to cast further spells. I moved to the shore, wary for additional sentries. I had to be careful not to slip on the rocks. They wouldn’t make any noise in a two-meter circumference around me, but the movement could still catch an eye. I scurried into the woods, angling away from the largest cluster of fires.

I moved into the tree line. On my minimap, red dots appeared all around me. This is insanity. I needed to find a place to hide and to prepare to hunt down Maghan.

I passed several homes, and they were all burned-out husks. Skeletons lay scattered and forgotten in the wreckage. A small, two-family polecat warren had been dug up, the family rooted out. A polecat skeleton lay on the ground, still clutching a knife. I thought of Raj, alone and scared on the roof of that hotel.

The sound of quiet talking came to me through the trees. I sneaked forward to see a group of three hobgoblin guards sitting by a small tent. They stood watch over a pile of several hundred long, crude boats that had been fashioned out of tree trunks. They were nothing more than felled trees with the center hollowed out. Each one could probably carry five or six hobgoblins.

There were also several larger boats ready to go. These were rafts for their mounts and equipment, I realized.

“After we take the city, I hope we stay,” one of the guards was saying. “I like this island. I like these trees. It is much more a home than that cursed city. I will build my hut on this tree here.”

“When we take the city,” another said, “We will all be given an island of our own. Prince Maghan says there are a never-ending chain of islands north of here, enough for us all.”

The San Juan archipelago comprised of just over 100 inhabitable islands, hardly enough to give over 400,000 troops each their own island, though I wasn’t about to argue with the hobgoblin warrior.

My Invisibility would run out in three minutes, and I had a minute left for Silence. I spun up Triple Fang and rushed into the circle, shredding all three hobgoblins before they could alert the others. The fight lasted less than five seconds.

I tried to pull the corpses out of the firelight, but each hobgoblin weighed about 350 pounds. Instead, I rolled them to their sides and pulled their field blankets over each one, making it look like they were asleep.

I looted all three corpses. Each had a surprising amount of jacks on them, just about 1,000 each. I crawled into the empty tent, pausing at the entrance. A pile of recently-dead polecats sat stacked like firewood in the tent. I felt sick to my stomach. The one at the top of the pile was missing the bottom half of his body. They’re using them as food. Christ.

I took a deep breath and sat on the ground of the tent. Both Silence and Invisibility had run out. I waited for my mystic points to regenerate and for the five minutes to pass. I first pulled out Triple Fang, grasping it in my right hand, which raised my mystic points pool to 35. I pulled the long, black arrow with the red tip out of my pack with my left. By all reports, only Chief Maghan used these arrows. This one had been plucked from a corpse near the eastern wall. I’d requested the scouts find me one of these distinctive arrows, giving them strict instructions to touch them only using gloves. They’d brought me several.

I grasped one of the arrows now, and I cast Locate Foul Prey. The spell required something the specific prey had touched within the past week, and the prey had to be within five miles with no major waterways between me and it. It was an expensive spell, costing 31 mystic points, one more than I naturally had, so I had to hold Triple Fang.

Your Prey has been located. It is 2.1 kilometers away. Happy hunting. 

Shit. He was further away than I would’ve liked. A purple waypoint appeared on my map, pointing northeast. According to the spell info, the waypoint would persist to the location of the prey when the spell was cast, so if he moved, I’d lose him. Hopefully he was currently asleep in his tent.

I’d lost all my mystic points again, so I downed a Mystic Points Regen potion and once again cast Silence and Invisibility.

As I creeped out of the tent with the corpses, I received a panicked message from Larissa.

Larissa: We have a wall breach. The undead are pouring into the city! We are falling back!

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Millicent. You guys are up.

Millicent: My healers are swooping in.

One of the cool things about healing spells was that they were super effective against the undead. Casting Heal on any of the undead class was the same as applying direct damage on it. Approximately half of Millicent’s fairy squadron were dedicated healers. They swooped in, ready to plug the hole. As long as the breaches were contained to three or four locations, they’d hold. I couldn’t take too long. Larissa’s front would soon be overwhelmed. I had to get this done, and fast.

I wouldn’t make it, not in seven minutes—the length of the Silence spell—and not in ten minutes, either. I rushed through the woods, following the waypoint, giving each cookfire a wide berth. The deeper I went, the more I was surrounded by red dots. It wasn’t just hobgoblins, either. Dark shapes filled the war camps. These were beetle and spider mounts. They hissed and chittered as I passed. Could they sense me? I didn’t wait around to find out. As my Silence spell started to wind down, I started to look for a place to hide. In panic, I realized there was nowhere. I’d entered the main cluster of camps, and I might as well have walked into a city. I still had a good half kilometer to go. I’d entered a clearing, the remnants of a destroyed neighborhood. The buildings were all burned to the ground, and many of the trees here had been cut down to build their boats. Sleeping hobgoblins spread out in every direction. Up ahead, barely visible in the darkness was a set of four larger tents. My waypoint led me there.

I didn’t have a choice. I downed another Mystic Points regen and re-cast Silence. I picked my way forward, avoiding the large shadows of their mounts. Sentries patrolled this area, but only the outskirts. As my Invisibility ticked down, I drank another one. This one was only good for seven minutes. I only have five minutes left on my Silence.

I sprinted toward the command tents. In my haste, I tripped over a mislaid spear, which caused it to go flying. It hit a standing rack of more spears, just outside the area of my Silence spell, and they all tumbled to the ground with a terrible racket, causing several hobgoblins to sit up. They grunted and cursed and went back to sleep as I remained frozen, not wanting to move.

I continued up the hill. There was a single, massive tent, two larger ones, and a fourth tent off to the side that was slightly smaller than the others. The first three tents appeared to be brightly-lit. The fourth one was dark. This was where the dot was leading me.

A pair of sentries stood outside of the largest tent. They were the only visible hobgoblins on the small hilltop. I had a good two minutes left as I scrambled up the hill. I slowed my pace, careful not to disturb the ground too much as I passed by the two, bored-looking guards.

As I reached the top of the hill, both of my spells failed. My invisibility failed, and my Silence spell deactivated with an audible pop! 

You have triggered an anti-concealment charm. All concealments nullified.

I formed into existence a mere ten feet from the pair of guards who looked at me with open-mouthed astonishment.

Shit! I rolled forward, lashing my sword, cutting them both down. I rolled to a stop, triumphant until I realized I’d accidentally severed the front lines for the large tent, which collapsed on top of the two guards. Angry bellowing and shouting came from the tent, which sounded as if it was full of at least a dozen hobgoblins.

After a moment of indecision, I bolted for the fourth tent, hoping to find Maghan within. I burst through the flap into the cabin-sized tent, ready to strike down the first hobgoblin I saw.

The tent was empty of hobgoblins. Instead, it was filled with art.

I stared, uncomprehending at the piles of framed paintings carelessly stacked in the room. There had to be at least 200 paintings here, stacked floor to ceiling. I quickly flipped off the Enflame from my blades and turned on the less-bright headlamp, which dimly lit the tent. Hopefully it wouldn’t be evident from the outside.

It took several moments for me to figure out what I was looking at. The hobgoblins had looted these paintings from the homes and keeps in Eastern Harmony. Most of the intricately-framed artworks had slashes through them. A set of chests sat on the tent’s lone table. In these velvet-lined boxes, several paintings had been placed.

I guessed what was going on here. They’d looted the paintings and stored them in this tent. Maghan himself had gone through them, slashing the ones he didn’t like and choosing a few he did. The ones he enjoyed were placed in the velvet-lined boxes.

Outside, more shouting rose as they discovered the slain guards. I had mere moments before I was discovered. Still, curiosity got the best of me. I picked up one of the paintings from the velvet chest.

It was a forest scene, flowers, and a unicorn. A very peaceful painting. The next painting was a bowl of fruit. The next was of a mountain.

The slashed paintings scattered about the tent were of battles and wars. I flipped off my headlamp. I closed my eyes, and I listened. I didn’t know what Maghan sounded like, but I knew I’d recognize him when he spoke. A moment later, I heard him. A deep, bellowing roar. Similar to his brother, but older with more grit to it.

“He is close. I can smell him. It is a human,” the voice roared. “Have you checked the tents? Well check them again!”

I sniffed my armpits. I was still wet from the ocean. I didn’t smell did I? Nobody had looked in here. Not yet. I could probably hide behind the pile of paintings, but I wasn’t here to hide. My original plan was to find and quickly end him. That wasn’t going to happen now. I had a backup plan. A dumb one, but it was all I had.

A face appeared in the tent flap, and I quickly separated it from the rest of its body. I took a few breaths, downed another Mystic Point Regen in case I needed the points. This is it.

I pulled the dragon helm from my pack. I did not put it on, but I cradled it in my arm like a baby.

I purposely strode from the tent.

“I’m sorry I’m late, Chief Maghan,” I called. The hobgoblin, in full samurai regalia stood a mere ten meters away. He turned toward me, eyes wide with surprise.

“Hold!” he said, raising his hand to stop the mass of twenty or so hobgoblins moving to surround me. More came by the moment, crowding up around me. Several bows, swords, and spears leveled at me.

I cleared my throat. I felt oddly calm. “Congrats on finally ascending to war chief. I wanted to come congratulate you personally. My name is King Jonah of the Dominion Empire. I was hoping we could talk conditions of our surrender to your superior forces.”

I tossed the dragon helm to the feet of the hobgoblin. It clanged when it hit the ground.

Jonah Note 25

Maghan made no immediate move to pick up the helmet. The large hobgoblin looked very much like his brother, but instead of being enormously fat, he was nothing but lean muscle mass. Kankan had looked out of place in his armor. Maghan looked as if he was born in it.

“You give this to me freely?” he said. “You who killed my brother, who killed my aunt, who killed my father? You now come to me and just hand me the Dominion? Why?”

In the far distance, an explosion echoed across the city. Larissa screamed into the chat that a wide swath of the wall had fallen, and the undead poured into the city. Luckily, they ignored the defenders unless they got in the way, and were coming straight for me. It would take some time before they traversed the city and reached the western shore of Lake Aberdeen.

“I did not kill your father,” I said. “Your own people did, just an hour ago.”

Maghan nodded. “I am aware.”

How, I wondered. As human as they made these NPCs, as realistic as they made this world, it still liked to cheat sometimes.

“But,” he continued. “My father had become a frail, old hobgoblin, hiding like a coward. It was you and your people who presented him like this to the people, who did the only right thing. So it was still you who killed my father.”

I shrugged. “Are you aware of the other army attacking us from the west?” I asked.

Maghan grunted. “These undead warriors are powerful at sea, but they are not powerful on land. We shall take the castle and keep it. The undead will flee. We do not fear them.”

“Yeah, about that,” I said. “I want you guys to help me take care of them.”

Maghan laughed, a loud, echoing laughter. “As of right now, that is no longer your concern. Your head shall adorn a spike on my castle wall. And when you regenerate, I will kill you again. I will keep killing you until your head adorns every spike in this kingdom.”

“Yeah?” I said. “And how are you going to do that?”

He pulled off his own helmet, revealing a battle-scarred head. The helmet dropped to the ground next to the other. He reached down to pick up the dragon helm. He grasped it in two hands. “First I am going to take your kingdom. Second, I will…”

Nobody ever learned what he was going to say next.

The helmet exploded in his hands, blasting him backwards several feet.

I pulled both Triple Fang and my left-handed four blade, spinning them both up. I also summoned a Magic Protection shell around me from my ring. Arrows and magic bolts screamed at me as I jumped through the air, swinging and killing the now-armless war chief of the hobgoblins.

Multiple creatures rushed forward, and they could not get through. I cut and I sliced, tearing them to shreds. After several moments a dozen hobgoblins lay in a circle around me.

You have gained a level! You have received a training token.

You are now level 37.

“Stop,” I roared as the next notification spread across my screen. My minimap blinked, turning from a sea of red to a sea of white. 

The hobgoblins stopped dead, muttering and looking at each other, unsure of what to do.

System Message> Chief Maghan of the Hobgoblin Riot has fallen in battle to King Jonah of the Dominion. Having destroyed the entire succession line, rule of the Riot now falls upon him.

System Message> The Dominion has defeated the Hobgoblin Riot. The two kingdoms are now merged.

Factions Update! A new nation has appeared on the world stage. The Hobgoblin Insurgents, led by Grand Shaman Zeed. This nation does not have a home. Current status: War.

System Message> Attention players far and wide! A new playable race has been unlocked! Players may now choose “Hobgoblin” when rolling new characters. A new class has been unlocked! Players may now choose “Shaman” when choosing a class.

An eruption of voices rose all around me. I raised my hand. “Shut up!” I bellowed. To my utter amazement, they stopped talking and looked at me.

“You have not been defeated today,” I said, trying to make eye contact with a few of the larger hobgoblins. These things were terrifying up close. “Your former leader has brought you to a place where you could not succeed. Yes, you may have been victorious today, but your actions would have brought the entire world upon you. You would have died here had I not intervened. You were each promised an island that does not exist for your efforts. Well today I give you a new promise. Today I give you the world. Until this very moment, you have been restricted to either Castellane or wherever your army marched. You are now free members of the Dominion. You are free to return to the Kampong, your ancestral homeland. You are free to return to your families in Castellane.”

Murmuring started again.

“But freedom is never free. As of this moment, any hobgoblin who wishes may leave. You are free to go and make a place in the world for yourself, where you may wish. However I need your help. Your capital city of Harmony is under attack, and I need soldiers to help secure the walls. Once the city is secured, we will return to Castellane and to battle to free your families, who remain under siege.”

“We will fight,” a large hobgoblin said immediately. “War is all we know.”

I nodded. The hobgoblin who spoke wore finer armor than the others, and he appeared to be the highest-ranking soldier I could see. Looking around, I think I’d inadvertently slaughtered their entire command structure. All the dead hobgoblins pulsed yellow, indicating I could now loot them. They’d likely been in that tent planning their invasion.

My eyes rested on the corpse of Chief Maghan, who no longer had a pair of arms. Half of his face had been blown off in the blast. The real dragon helm remained in my bag where it would stay. I hated wearing the thing.

There was an irony there, in that I’d killed the brother using the item Prince Kankan had so desperately wanted to save his people. It had taken several attempts to get the arcane artificer to create a passable facsimile of the dragon helm. I had to level up my Artistry skill one notch just to use the thing, and I did it by spending a few hours trying to sketch the elaborate helmet. The two clockwork sprites had made a 2d version for my first attempt. The second attempt resulted in a helmet that could fit in the palm of my hand. Another had felt flimsy, like papier-mâchée, despite using discarded sledgehammer heads from the wall project as source material. Finally, after adding measurements, weights, thickness, and multiple angles to my drawing had they created a shining, fake version of the dragon helm. This version would never fit on someone’s head, however. In the interior I’d added a small chamber for a potion. I no longer had access to the emo-tong explosives, but a consultation with Yi and a quick stop at the paladin guild found a potion called Deceived Detonator. They were actually the health potions that paladins used that exploded on contact with any of the deceived. One of the paladin subclasses focused on killing the Deceived, and they drank these potions to make their own bodies deadly to trolls, goblins, and hobgoblins should they fall in battle. The Deceived were notorious for eating pretty much everything they killed.

I poured two of the potions in the helmet’s secret compartment, sealed it save for a few pinholes here and there that allowed the concoction to dribble out. The results were better than expected.

And unlike the demon of Icardi, I hadn’t blown up myself this time.

I looted each of the dead hobgoblins, amassing a large number of jacks and a couple magic items. Chief Maghan’s bow was an enchanted, oversized war bow that added speed and damage to each shot. The real prize was his quiver.

Ichichi’s Quiver of Plenty.

This item is enchanted.

This is a weapon accessory, and it requires an equipped longbow to activate.

Warning! User must be level 11 or above in the longbow skill to use this weapon accessory. Your current level with the longbow is 9.

This quiver creates unlimited, persistent arrows at the rate of one every thirty seconds until the quiver is full. A full quiver is 24 arrows.

The created arrows are imbued with both Target-Seeking and Long-Range. In addition, the arrows have a 5% chance to imbue the target with Immolation and a .25% chance to imbue the target with Gibbering Beef.

This is a unique item.

System Message> New unique item discovered in Harmony, Aberdeen.

Hell yeah. I could use the quiver if I wore my dragon helm, or I could just give it to Gretchen. I’d decide later. For now, it went in the pack.

I remembered that odd notification about a new nation being formed. I looked at a high-ranking hobgoblin and asked him his name.

“I am Major Slog.”

“Slog,” I said. “Who is this Grand Shaman Zeed?”

The hobgoblin grunted. “He fled like a coward, taking most of the shamans and their guards with him. These hobgoblins are traitors to the Riot. Say the word, and we will hunt them to the ground.”

Great, I thought. I had an army of magic-wielding hobgoblins roaming the countryside. Another item to the long list of things I’d have to deal with if I survived tonight.

“Okay,” I said. “We will worry about him later. For now, I want the Riot across this lake. You are in charge, Slog. I will meet you back at the western wall where it meets the sea. The undead will appear to be fleeing. Slaughter every one you can find.”

He slammed his fist into his breastplate in a salute. “Where will you be, war chief?”

War Chief. I kind of liked that.

I pointed up. A white jacket dirigible appeared in the air, emerging out of the darkness. A ladder unfurled from above. All around, the soldiers hissed.

“I’m back on pied piper duty,” I said.

But before I could climb on the ladder, I was stopped dead by a new set of notifications.

Larissa: The undead have stopped moving. There is something wrong with them. Wait, your majesty… Yes. They are all falling where they stand. It appears they are all dropping dead.

What the hell? Why was that happening?

Quest Update. Blasted Doom. 

1 of 3 Primordials defeated.

Having grown weary of their brother’s inability to control the undead horde of time-locked heroes, the remaining two Primordial gods have banished their brother back to the Salt. The second brother, Lotan, now rises. As the boats burn and the undead wilt, Lotan summons the beasts of the depths to his cause. Beware, the waterways surrounding Harmony. The Viper Fish come.

A one-hour countdown appeared on my view.

“What the hell is a viper fish?”

Major Slog who still stood before me looked at me like I was crazy. He shrugged.

Poppy: Are you fucking kidding me? This is bullshit.

Gretchen: Jonah. We still have a few hours before we’ll be able to locate Sandra the Learnt. Hold tight.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: What is a viper fish?

Poppy: I don’t know, but it doesn’t sound good.

Gretchen: Wait, I think I might know. During the Blast quest, there were two major defenses. First the sea monsters, and then the lizard creatures on the beach. The sea monsters would sink the boats, drowning the crews. But mixed in with the sea monsters were other creatures. They’re basically like the classic underwater humanoid. You know what I mean. The creature from the whatever lagoon. Green and covered in scales with gills. They’re strong and fast. They’re usually armed with tridents and harpoons. Some cast water magic.

Poppy: Sounds like an adaro. Those things are assholes.

Gretchen: An adaro doesn’t have human legs and can’t go on land, but yeah, basically the same thing. If these viper fish are what I’m thinking of, they also have long, sharp teeth. They’re venomous as well… Jonah. These things will be a lot more dangerous than the undead. If you’re attacked by thousands of them, you’re going to have a tough time. You’re going to need all of those hobgoblins.

Poppy: I still say you run. What happens if you kill all the fish dudes? There’s still one more Primordial. If the first one controlled the former heroes, this next one controls the fish, then I’m guessing the third one will be in charge of those lizard things from the Blast quest. I never fought one, but those things are supposed to be impossible to take down.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Get fast travel turned back on, and I’ll send the hobgoblins over to you.

Poppy: Remember our deal. You send the hobgoblins, but then you go to Kosil. That’s our new meeting place. Kosil. If you come back here, I’m just going to kick you out again. I swear to god, this is not negotiable. I’ll do a dishonorable discharge this time, which will teleport you away to a random place.

Kosil was the game’s version of Seoul, and it was the home of the grand moon gardens. It was there Popper wanted us to find a berth on a traveling moon auric city.

But doing so would require abandoning Harmony. I sighed. The stench of fires filled the city.

Maybe it was time to leave. My main reason for staying was to keep my curse at bay and because of my access to Waldo. My access was lost, and the moon aurics would keep me safe. What other reason was there to stay?

I thought of all the civilians dead. That impossible number, 750,000. These were sentient beings, terrified and in pain, cut down for nothing. I’d been put in charge of them. It was my responsibility to keep them safe. They would all regenerate. It would be my duty to make sure it didn’t happen again.

But then again, I thought of Keta. She’d done it in a treacherous way, but there was no denying she was better at this than I was. At least she had been before my book broke her.

I didn’t know what to do. 

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Fuck you very much, Popper. Seriously though, you guys be safe, too.

I looked back to Major Slog. “Okay, the plan has changed. I need most of you to go straight to the eastern wall, find the breaches, and guard them. I want all the mounted infantry to the center of town. They need to take control of and to guard the obelisk park. If anything gets into the city, that will be our last stand.

Jonah Note 26

“I do not like this,” Larissa said. “We do not know what we face.”

“I agree,” Keta said. “I sense a spell being prepared from that ship.”

We stood atop the shattered remnants of the western sea wall, overlooking Duwamish Bay. The remnants of the burning fleet clogged the waters. When the primordial fell, the magic that kept the burning ships from being consumed ceased to work. A heavy, black smoke filled the air. A dirty rain started to fall. Larissa called for the tarps to be erected. The bowmen atop the wall needed to keep their weapons dry.

Only one ship remained afloat. The giant ship sat still in the midst of the bay. It still burned blue. Only two primordials stood upon the deck now. The gray giants stood both motionless and emotionless, like statues. The humanoid figures had an odd, boxy shape to them.

About five minutes prior, I’d ordered the airships and drakes to stop wasting their energy to bomb and attack the ship. I watched the Yeowang Bam drop a boulder from the sky on the ship, and in the low light, I caught the yellow shimmer of the protection shell around the boat. Invulnerability. The game wouldn’t let it be that easy. First we had to deal with the viper fish.

Yi had been forced to dock her ship with the rising sun. She landed it on the airship platform of Castle Harmony, though she didn’t join us on the wall. A pair of white jacket dirigibles floated directly above us, ready to jump to our defense should something unexpected happen.

A few hundred meters to the north, the wall glowed, and I watched as the rocks slowly reformed, repairing that section of the wall. We had the rock singers repairing as quickly as they could, but they would not fix the wall in time. Instead we had them focusing on the outlier breaches, making it so the invaders would funnel into the city from one area.

Below, a line of hobgoblins stood, chanting and singing. It was a disconcerting sound, and it was clear the arrowed Dominion defenders were terrified of their new allies. In the real world I knew this alliance would be impossible, not after the slaughter of the past few days. But I didn’t have the luxury of easing them into it.

The timer ticked down to zero, and the destruction began.

At first nothing happened. Then I noticed it. The water of the bay started to recede.

“Oh, fuck,” I said.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Major Slog. Order a retreat. Right now. Run. Go, go, go! Deeper into the city, toward the castle and higher ground!

To his credit, he didn’t question the order. Still, the order took a maddeningly long time to percolate through the mass of troops. They started to surge away.

I looked nervously at the stone beneath my feet. I hope this wall holds.

The last ten years on earth had been a swarm of earthquakes, volcanoes, and most of all, tsunamis. Everyone knew the signs.

I looked up at the dirigible directly above us. I waved my hand, and the ladder dropped down. In just a matter of moments, the water had receded several hundred meters, leaving a rocky, junk-strewn beach and thousands of flapping fish and creatures.

On the primordial ship, one of them lifted his hands to the air.

“Up,” I said to Keta and Larissa. “That’s an order.”

Keta went first. Larissa stood by my side. “I am the royal guard,” she said. “You go first.”

The tidal wall formed, rising between us and the primordial ship. The primordials disappeared behind the wall of water. The wave rose fifty feet in the air, towering over our position. It did not move. It hovered there, a quarter of a mile away. As the sun started to rise over Harmony, I saw the city’s destruction pulsating within that wave. Like an overstocked fish tank, they wriggled and moved, thousands upon thousands of them, an army of death.

I grasped the ladder and started to climb as the wave moved in, roaring toward my position.

“Get on!” I yelled to Larissa, but the dirigible jumped into the air, out of reach of the captain.

Larissa turned to face the oncoming wave. All around her, arrowed citizens cowered on the top of the wall.

It was too late for them.

The wave crashed over the city, smashing into it with the might of an angry god. It rushed over the top of the wall, sweeping all the defenders away. War event notifications flowed by. I clutched onto the ladder, unable to look away. I watched in horror as a wall of water streamed through the streets, uprooting everything in its path. The back line of retreating hobgoblins were caught up in the tumult, and they were soon buried. Thankfully, most seemed to reach the high hill leading to the castle.

The wave had been broken somewhat by the seawall, but it had still devastated the first four blocks into the city. The marketplace, The Piglet’s Delight, half the guild halls, all just… gone. They were swept away like pieces off a chessboard.

The water receded as quickly as it came, a claw raking across the city, turning beautiful, ancient buildings into rubble. I couldn’t believe how quickly it happened. I thought of Los Angeles, of my friends who’d been caught unaware that day. My entire—albeit small—social circle had been swept away. Everyone I had worked with every day for years was just gone. I had pretended like it hadn’t happened. So much horror in the world, and when it finally came for me, I pretended it wasn’t real. I’d turned and run.

I watched now, the water getting sucked back into the bay, leaving wreckage, mud, and something else.

The viper fish.

There had to be 100,000 of them, maybe more, and they’d been deposited deep into the downtown area of the muddy and devastated city. They swarmed toward the castle and deeper into the city.

As the water receded past the seawall and back into Duwamish Bay, I saw with horror that even more viper fish gathered themselves west of the remains of the seawall. They’d been deposited there during the wave attack, smashed against the wall, and now they were pouring into the city, bringing the total number of invaders into some unfathomable number.

I pulled myself up the last few rungs into the waiting arms of the white jackets. Keta hung over the side of the airship, firing bolts from her hands at the invaders.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Millicent! Backup the hobgoblins with the rock sylphs. Find any who survived the devastation and heal them.

Millicent: We are already at work.

Even as I sent the message, a pair of small fairies flew right by my head. They were bigger than the hand-sized Millicent, but not by much. They zipped about, doing a quick circle around me. One waved her hand, and the entire airship glowed. They zipped away.

You have been blessed with Rock Skin!

Achievement Unlocked! Get blessed by a fairy!

The skull curse notification flashed, surprising me. What the hell? It was seven in the morning! My curse wasn’t supposed to activate into 9:58 P.M.

The blessing has been removed.

Oh yeah, I thought. One of the effects of my curse was that I couldn’t be blessed. The difference between charms, spells, and blessings was still confusing to me, and I guessed this was the first time I’d received a magic blessing.

Below, the remaining hobgoblins started to clash with the viper fish. They seemed evenly matched. The bulky hobgoblins were somewhat larger, but the viper fish moved quickly. They reminded me of aurics, they way they danced about the battlefield.

“Keta,” I said. “I’m dropping you off at the castle. You’re in charge of the castle’s defense.”

“Where are you going?” she called. She didn’t bother to look up as she fired another bolt into the city.

A dirigible floating twenty meters aft of us began to plummet out of the sky, its balloon having been pierced with an ice lance. A similar lance arced toward us but dissipated as it crashed against Keta’s magic protection shell. 

“I need to go to the obelisk park. We need to defend it.”

“If you need to jump away, I can cast a Portal,” she said.

“I need something with a little more oomph,” I said. I needed something to quickly transport tens of thousands of troops at once. Apparently the hobgoblin shamans had been able to do it on their own, but it seemed my army was bereft of such magic users. So instead I had to rely on Popper and Gretchen getting to the missing polecat in time.

We moved to the relative safety of the airspace above the castle. From my vantage, I watched the viper fish sweep over the devastated city. Harmony would fall in a matter of hours. The only holding defenses were the masses of hobgoblin troops around the castle and those at the obelisk park. Most of the arrowed Dominion citizens were dead, with the exception of those we had garrisoned in the northern and southern parts of the city. Because we’d destroyed the bridges, the fleeing survivors were trapped, unable to get away from the invading fish monsters.

Larissa was dead. Larus seemed to be rallying a small group of troops near the coliseum. It wouldn’t be enough.

“Hold the castle as long as you can. If you can hold out to nightfall, I want you to flee with Yi,” I said. We hovered over the landing pavilion high above the castle.

Keta put her hand on my cheek. It felt surprisingly warm.

“I am sorry,” she said. “I know you are a good man.”

“I’m sorry, too,” I said. “Look, Keta. I have a plan. You’re not going to like it, but…”

“Do it,” she said, before I could explain what I was proposing.

“Okay,” I said. “But listen.” I explained to her what I was intending to do. “That doesn’t mean you have to stay. Go with Yi. Go to Grandeur with her. But do not tell her the plan. She can’t be trusted. She’s not a bad person, but I don’t believe the man she works for is good. Do you understand?”

“I do,” Keta said. She turned to jump down, but paused and turned back.

“Do not die, your majesty. This is not where our story ends.”

I nodded, and Keta jumped to the deck of Castle Harmony.

The airship immediately rose back into the air. We flew, flanked by two drakes as we approached the obelisk pavilion, which was surrounded by a huge contingent of mostly-mounted hobgoblins. The soldiers held a tight formation around the dormant and abandoned park. The mass of viper fish hadn’t yet confronted this group, but they would soon be upon them.

I ordered the airships to remain above as I slid down the rope, landing in the center of the park.

Okay Popper and Gretchen, I thought. It’s up to you guys now.

Raj Note 2

Poppy: Raj, do you still have your spear? Is it in your hands right now?

Raj: Raj has it, but Raj does not like it. I am a protector.

Poppy: Listen to me very, very carefully. You have to kill her. You have to do it right now, and you have to do it fast.

Raj: Kill who?

Poppy: Sandy. Sandra. I’m so sorry. I don’t have time to explain. Kill her now.

Raj: What do you mean? This is not a funny joke.

Gretchen: Raj, honey. It’s not a joke. We’re serious. You have to do it. You have to do it now.

Raj: But Raj is a protector.

Poppy: Raj, please. I will explain it all to you. I promise. This is how you can be a protector. You have to do this now. It is the only way to save King Jonah.

Raj: You make a mistake. She is a nice lady. Raj does not understand.

Gretchen: Raj, listen to us.

Raj: No!

I did not want to listen any more. The magic words in my mind continued to chatter, but I chose not to listen. I could do that. I was good at ignoring talking. The ghost would say horrible things, and I learned not to listen. Hasim had listened to the ghost, and he’d cut his own tongue out. Raj learned not to listen. This did not make sense to me. King Jonah once told me that good people didn’t do bad things. Miss Sandy was a nice lady. She brushed my hair and told me I was doing a good job at protecting her and the others. She looked at my shells and even told me the name of some of them. One was called a scallop and another a mussel shell. She even said one wasn’t really a shell but a tooth of a sea monster.

Hurting Miss Sandy would be a bad thing.

Still… General Gretchen and Regent Popper continued to cry in my head, begging for Raj’s help. Raj did not know what to do!

I looked at the others. Be brave! You are a protector! Maybe they could help. Some, like Lil Stink and Renaldo were just babies, but they didn’t cry so much anymore. Sandy and the old goblin lady rocked them to sleep.

Chef Depardieu, the grumpy old Pollywog chef turned his head toward the stairs that led back into the hotel. The old froggy was blind. Raj did not know how a blind man could cook. “I hear more down there,” he whispered. “Get ready with that sticker, kid.”

Miss Sandy held Lil Stink in her arms. She cooed at the baby polecat. We did not know the baby’s real name. His mommy had died. Miss Sandy called him Lil Stink because he pooped a lot. Miss Sandy looked very tired.

“Miss Sandy are you a good person?” I asked.

The old woman’s eyes got big as a donut, but just for a moment. Then they got very narrow.

“Why do you ask this, Raj?” She cocked her head, the same way Raj’s mother would do. “Have you been talking to your pink friends?”

She meant humans. Miss Sandy didn’t seem to like anybody but other polecats. A lot of polecats were like this. I did not understand. Raj likes all people! Even goblins!

“Yes,” I said. “They are not bad. They are nice like you are nice.”

Miss Sandy sighed, standing up. She handed Lil Stink to the old lady goblin who didn’t talk. The woman already held Renaldo, and the rodder toddler squeaked but then went back to sleep next to Lil Stink.

“Well, I guess it was inevitable,” Miss Sandy said. “Your friends have been annoyingly persistent in their efforts. Filthy humans. I worked for years for that disgusting, hairless King Bartholomew. When they took me, did he care? It wasn’t until I removed their ability to use their maps, until I placed the block in my fast travel system did he even take notice that I was gone.”

I started to feel scared. Miss Sandy was not being very nice all of a sudden.

“They come up the stairs,” Chef Depardieu hissed. “There are two of them!”

Oh no, not again!

I grasped my spear, hiding behind the door like I did last time. I would wait until the monsters came up the stairs, and I would stab them both. My hands shook. Why was I so scared? King Jonah wasn’t scared when he fought. Neither were General Gretchen or Regent Popper. Alice liked fighting. But I had to do it. Raj was a protector.

The heavy footsteps came up the stairs, and the others all moved behind the stairwell like last time, hiding. But Miss Sandy did not hide.

“Miss Sandy,” I squeaked. “They will see you!”

But it was too late. Two demons came up the stairs. These were different than last time. The last one had been the big, mean red demon. I had stabbed it in the leg and it had died. It had screamed and tried to hit me as it was dying, but then it fell over dead. Miss Sandy investigated the wound, and her hands had been glowing, and she said I had killed it good. She said she had some healing skills. The monster had gurgled, but when Sandy touched him he stopped. She said her skills were not so good. And then she waved her hand and the body disappeared.

These new attackers were two of the turtle monsters with the water bowls on their heads. I stabbed with my spear, and I missed! The monster looked at me and laughed. It did not have a weapon but sharp fingers, and it reached for me.

But then it dropped down to the ground. The next one did too! When they fell, the water spilled from their heads. They stopped moving, but they were still alive. They growled and thrashed on the ground, like fish pulled from the water. But they couldn’t move so good.

“You tripped them,” Miss Sandy said. “If they lose their water, they can’t move. You tripped them and saved us again.”

“I did?” I said looking at the two monsters. I didn’t feel like I had tripped them.

“You will have to finish them off,” Miss Sandy said. “Stab them in the neck. You can do it.”

The beasts thrashed and hissed and spit. They were very angry monsters!

This is what a protector does. I have to kill them.

But I couldn’t. I wanted to be a good fighter. These were bad monsters. But they were helpless monsters, too.

Good people don’t do bad things.

I dropped my spear. “Raj can’t do this.”

Miss Sandy sighed. “How’d you ever survive the streets of Valisa?”

“Raj is sorry,” I said. I felt tears begin to well up.

She flipped her wrist, and both the turtle monsters scrunched up, like they were pieces of paper being wadded by invisible hands. The bones cracked and creaked and snapped, and blood sprayed everywhere. The demons wadded smaller and smaller until they disappeared.

“Neat, huh?” Miss Sandy said. “I learned that one not too long ago. It’s a pinhole portal. You cast it inside of them, and it sucks them through. I have this one coming out over the statue of King Bartholomew at the Hall of Kings in Harmony. It sprays the statue with blood. Mistress Sonia has yet to figure out where it’s coming from.”

“You’re a bad person,” I whispered. Raj should have listened to Popper and Gretchen. They were always so nice to Raj. Regent Popper had saved Raj from the ghost.

“No,” she said. “I am a good polecat. You, little one. You are a bad polecat, wasting your time protecting these others. These useless goblins and these pollywog maids and cooks.” She gestured to the others who were emerging from behind their hiding spots. “And these rodents.” She flipped her wrist, and little Renaldo was ripped out of the old goblin woman’s hands. She made a gasping noise. The baby mouse woke up and started wailing in terror as he floated in midair.

“No,” I said. “Raj is sorry. Do not hurt Renaldo!”

No, no, no. It was all going wrong.

“I’m sorry,” I had said to my mother the day she left me in the alley. She’d said we were going to the beach. I had brought my bucket. “I’ll try not to eat as much. Please, mommy. Please don’t leave me alone.” Renaldo’s mother had left him. Lil Stink’s mother had left him. I would protect them. I would.

“You need to learn,” Miss Sandy said. “These creatures are worthless. Raj, with my powers we will reform the grand sultanate. I have made an agreement with the Orochi and we will…”

She continued to chatter, but I did not understand what she said. I watched little Renaldo float in the air, closer and closer to the edge of the roof.

“Do not hurt Renaldo! Please, Miss Sandy. I will do what you want. Do not hurt him!”

“Oh, Raj,” she said. She had a sad smile. “I am going to hurt him. And you’re still going to do what I want.”

I turned invisible, and I ran toward the small mouse floating toward the edge.

Miss Sandy laughed. I grabbed Renaldo, who cried and cried and cried. Lil Stink was crying now and even that old goblin lady was crying. The other goblins were screaming and grunting and even mean old Chef Depardieu was shouting now. But Miss Sandy just laughed and she reminded me of the ghost who talked Hasim into cutting his own tongue out. The ghost had seemed nice at first, but he ended up being evil, just like Miss Sandy.

I placed Renaldo on the ground. Miss Sandy continued to laugh and laugh.

She stopped laughing when I threw an open bag of sand and shells in her face. It was the big bag, the one from Valisa. But that was okay because I knew in a few minutes I would be back home in my alley, and I would be able to go back to the beach and get more sand and shells and maybe this time, I would find my mother there, pointing and laughing at all the funny ships floating off to go on new adventures. She’d say how much she wished she could go off on one of those ships and have an adventure, and this laugh would not be scary and mean but happy and full of love.

I ran at her, and I tackled her, and we both fell off the edge of the building. She clawed at her face the whole time she fell, and I couldn’t stop thinking I am a protector. I will save them all.

Note from the Scriptorium Guild. Early editions of this book do not include the previous two notes (Raj 1 and Raj 2). It is only upon the creation of this third edition of The Hobgoblin Riot were they appended to this record, having only just been recently discovered. They were hand delivered by a woman polecat who identified herself as the author’s mother. She claims to have discovered the notes under a pile of shells in an alley in the former city of Valisa. The pages were old, brittle, and covered with what appeared to be bloody pawprints when they came to us. After much discussion, it was decided these important historical records be included.

Gretchen Note 7

The notifications came one after another, mere seconds after I’d lifted off into the air. My plan was to fly to the rooftop of the hotel the moment Akkorokamui started moving toward the gate. Hopefully she wouldn’t swat me out of the sky like a gnat. According to the timer, I could stay alight for 15 minutes.

Wave 5 of 5

War Party Admin> Warning! Your city has been invaded! <24,499 Oni. 64,998 Kappa. 1,500 Mikoshi-nyūdō. 1,500 Basan. 80 Oni Lords. 8 Kurobozu. Led by Empress Akkorokamui of the Orochi> They are now traveling the spiral path. Proceed immediately to the defense cockpit!

War Party> The city is under attack.

War Party> Spiral systems arming.

War Party> All defenders proceed immediately to your assigned towers.

Here we go.

I quickly added the numbers. It was 92,585 invaders. I didn’t have time to think about it. Raj had stopped answering our calls for help, and Jonah’s pleas were getting increasingly more frantic.

NPC Raj (Level 6, Scout, Polecat) has died!

Poppy: No! Godamnit! Gretchen. I want you to go up there, and I want you to rip that bitch’s…

System Message> Attention! Players far and wide! Attention! This is an important message from the Dominion Crown!

Missing Maps. The treacherous Sandra the Learnt has fallen. While the crown mourns the loss of an important member of the court, her deserved death brings balance to the worldwide mapping system. As of this moment, fast travel nodes across the world are coming back online. Expect access to be fully online within one hour. With the regeneration of the world’s obelisks, you may now use your full-screen map. Cartography vendors will once again populate their shops. All other restrictions related to the obelisks will soon be lifted.

Credit for stopping the treacherous polecat goes to Player <##Null Error #K34266. Support has been notified.>

The Crown thanks you for participating in this World Event.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: An hour? Holy fuck!

I watched as a new portal opened in the now-abandoned pavilion of Quibou. What was happening? If Sandra the Learnt was dead, then how were new portals being opened?

But after a moment, I saw this was a different kind of portal. It was wider and different-colored than the previous ones. When I saw the hobgoblins streaming through, I was filled with relief. I floated in the air, approaching the newcomers.

Gretchen: I see it opened. As soon as they’re through, you need to reset the portal and tap Kosil on your map. We’ll meet you there.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: What are you talking about? The obelisk is still offline. It’s starting to glow, but we’re waiting. I don’t know if we’re going to make it.

I immediately zoomed out the map, encompassing the entirety of Quibou on my screen. The dots that poured into the town were red.

War Party Admin> Warning! An additional army has invaded the spiral! <43,902 Hobgoblins led by Grand Shaman Zeed of the Hobgoblin Insurgents.>

Poppy: Who the hell is this guy? They’re going to fuck up our plans!

I sighed, watching the enormous army slide down the hill toward Castellane.

To steal a Jonah quote, we were fucked. At least we’d set our regen outside the city. We’d even built a small stable and let Alice sleep out there. We were going to die when the castle fell, but at least we’d be free from our compulsory service. Then we could all meet up at Kosil, lick our wounds, and regroup.

I remained alight. As soon as I had a chance, I’d fly back through the gate and straight back to the defensive cockpit.

Oh crap. Akkorokamui also rose into the air, a half mile away, just before the giant archway into the city. She faced me, and she raised her hands, red light forming in each of her palms.

This should be fun. I cringed, waiting for the blow.

An enormous ripping sound filled the air, so loud I took damage just from the sound. Heat washed over me, and flames danced around me, shooting twenty feet into the air.

But I didn’t die. The fire receded just as quickly as it had come. She hadn’t cast the spell at me, I realized, but at the hobgoblin horde on her tail.

In the distance, the demon empress landed gently on the ground, turned, and entered the city.

Poppy: What the hell was that?

With a slow, creeping horror I realized what had just happened. Half of the invading hobgoblins were already dead, turned into ash. Those who still stood in Quibou had been spared. It seemed the massive, earth-shattering spell didn’t have an effect on cities.

But it did affect the countryside. I rose further into the air. No, no, no.

A blackened ring, at least a mile wide in every direction surrounded the city of Castellane. Even the far, far side of the city had been immolated. Just like that. I’d never seen such a powerful spell so casually cast.

Below, my small band of archer and NPC warriors were all slag.

But more importantly, the distant shed and hastily-built stable were also now destroyed.

Our regen spot had been compromised.

Jonah Note 27

We have never felt such rage.

We have lost ourselves, yes?

This is moksha, master. This is the divine state.

“Shut the fuck up,” I cried. My arms burned with the effort of spinning and cutting and killing. My Rage spell had triggered and dissipated at least a dozen times. I’d lost count of the viper fish I had killed. It seemed an impossible number. Notifications scrolled by. Each time my Rage triggered, I reawakened to find myself several blocks from the obelisk park, flanked by a mounted group of hobgoblin warriors. I’d have to fight my way back.

The viper fish gave an oddly-low amount of experience, and my bar barely moved at all.

I was surrounded by fairies. The healing charms worked on me, but the protection blessings fizzled out every time they cast it.

The entirety of Harmony was overrun. The city was lost. My only hope of survival was retreat.

System Message> Message from Land Baron Father Garcia (Level 997, Dark Cleric, Human). Jonah, Gretchen, and Popper. Stop fucking with this world. You are upsetting a very delicate balance that is keeping us all safe. Come see me in Grandeur.

Please note that messages from Land Barons do not necessarily reflect the official opinions of Dominion of Blades or Bart Hughes Games, Inc. You will only see this message once.

Father Garcia was the player name of Reverend Smallthunder. He’d somehow managed to get all the NPCs to call him by his real name, but the system still identified him as Garcia. He was also a land baron, which meant he’d impressed the king in a tournament battle sometime in the past. That meant he had the ability to send one system message a month, but that ability had been turned off until poor Raj had taken out Sandra the Learnt.

Poppy: Level 997. Holy shit, guys. Level 997. That dude could probably fart and crack the entire world in half.

Gretchen: He is the least of our problems right now. Jonah, our situation has changed.

I read in horror as Gretchen explained how they’d lost their regen spot. I knew that Popper could—and probably would—eject Gretchen using the same method he’d used on me. But he wouldn’t be able to save himself. He was stuck there. If the wave was lost, he’d be gone forever.

I fell back to the center of the obelisk park, allowing my hobgoblins to fight for me. I pulled up the kingdom management menu, found the section I was looking for, and typed out the message.

System Message> Message from your Liege, King Jonah. Smallthunder, or anyone else who is listening, if you truly mean us no harm, please help us. Please come to Castellane to assist. We can save The Hibiscus, but not without your help. If we die, our plans die, too. 

He wouldn’t be able to answer. While he could only send one message a month, I had the ability to send three of these a week.

A hobgoblin flew back, blood spurting from his chest. I rushed back to fill the hole.

Behind me, the beacon continued to pulse.

Popper Note 27

I puffed nervously on a cigarette as I watched the mob flood into the spiral. It was just Spritz, Archie, Alice, and me in the cockpit. Everyone else was at their towers or barracks.

I couldn’t get the thought of Raj out of my head. He’d been so upset. Sure, he’d eventually regenerate back in Valisa, but would the little guy ever trust me again? It’s just like with Sam. You knew he wasn’t up to the challenge, yet you put him there anyway. And just like last time, he ended up dead. This was your fault.

Yet Raj had killed her in the end. He’d died, yes. But somehow Sandra the Learnt was dead.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. I took a breath, trying not to lose control. Now wasn’t the time.

The Sentinel Tower was the first to engage. The giant tower had turned an awful, Pepto Bismol shade of hot pink after it’d been upgraded to a level three Ladies’ Choice tower.

The Earthquake arrows took a minute to spawn, but each one was worth their weight in gold. It turned out the kappa beasts had to protect the water in their head bowls. If they lost the water, they became immobile. A well-placed Earthquake arrow immobilized a thousand at a time. It not only killed them by the dozens, but it caused every single one in the area of effect to stumble. They fell, spilling their heads, freezing in place, causing the entirety of the progression to bunch up and have to crawl over each other. Soon, the oni beasts were trampling the fallen kappa, doing our work for them.

Thanks to the movement of several towers along a later stretch of the spiral, that first, early stretch was also in range multiple arrow towers. They weren’t too effective against the larger oni beasts, but two shots from the rapid-fire towers were enough to take down both the kappa and the albino chicken riders.

The chicken riders were rapidly pushing their way to the front, and I knew they’d soon begin their meteoric run through the spiral in an attempt to spoil the traps.

Akkorokamui acted much the same as Kiyohime had. She casually strolled down the center of the street, acting as if it was just a normal, nice afternoon. Last time, we’d waited too long before striking at the boss monster. This time we weren’t going to make the same mistake.

Kitty Chapman: The Holy Order arrow is ready.

Poppy: Shoot when ready. Right into one of those eyes if you can.

The Holy Order arrow was especially made to hurt demons. I had no illusions about one-shotting the boss monster, but we needed to activate the boss and see what she could do. The silver arrow sprayed holy water into the monster as it impacted.

I couldn’t see the results from here, but Gretchen had just flown through the gate, zipping over head of the rogue hobgoblins.

Gretchen: Here it comes… Bullseye! Right into the center eye! Good shooting!

Kitty Chapman: As expected.

Starr: It seemed to piss the bitch off, but it didn’t really do anything.

Gretchen: No, it did something. Take a look. She’s… she’s convulsing. The arrow is stuck in her eye. Popper, you don’t think we could’ve…No wait.

Starr: She’s totally spazzing out.

Gretchen: …and of course. She’s going full kraken on us. Holy cow. She’s getting huge!

Crystal: So, you want us to stick with the anti-demon arrows, or do you want us to move to the sushi killers?

We’d anticipated this. After spending some time going over all the types of arrows, we’d come up with a plan to focus on Akkorokamui using specific arrow types depending on her form. It seemed her turning into a giant octopus thing was the most obvious, and that’s what sounded like was happening right now. We had the Holy Order arrows which took 30 seconds each to make, and there were the Desiccate arrows which took 45 seconds each.

The Desiccate spell was especially designed to be effective against water-based beasts. It supposedly sucked all the liquid out of everything it struck. Monobrow Sam had loved that spell. Sometimes we’d sit on the docks south of Harmony, and I’d throw boulders in the water, and he’d cast it on the buzzard seals that would get stirred up. They’d shrivel like a raisin, and their eyes would explode. We would laugh and laugh.

Popper: Let’s try the Desiccate ones and see what happens.

Crystal: Got it, boss. Sushi killer coming up.

Gretchen: The chicken riders are making their move. It looks like it’s all of them again. They’re coming up on the first bridge.

Thank the gods. Archie’s “Ghost Ship” trap was set up in front of the second bridge just past Castle Two, the same spot where we’d genocided the Tormented and the moles. I still didn’t get why he called it that, but I didn’t care. I just hoped the damn thing worked.

Kitty Chapman: Sushi killer go.

Gretchen: That’s a solid hit. It looks like a big patch of skin on the monster has turned black. Ladies, focus on a different spot each… Holy shit!

Poppy: What? What?

Gretchen: She just blasted the Sentinel Tower with some sort of bolt. It didn’t seem to have an effect. The tower glowed yellow when it was hit. Did we know that tower was invulnerable?

Kitty Chapman: That was pretty awesome. I think I lost my eyebrows.

Starr: Yeah, she doesn’t like the sushi arrows. Let’s keep doing that. Too bad they take so long to generate.

Gretchen: My flying spell is running out. I’m landing at the first barracks.

Poppy: Okay. Kill ‘em all for me.

Kitty Chapman: Fuck yeah. Metallica rocks.

Crystal: Metallica sucks.

Kitty Chapman: Shut the hell up. It’s better than that poser Nelson shit.

Crystal: You take that back right now. Ace. Play Love and Affection next.

Malik: Whatever. 

Archie looked up from the map. He scratched absently at his neck. The texugo had been especially fidgety all day, like he was actually nervous. Or maybe he just had fleas. “Okay, mate. The basan and their riders are gathering at the second bridge. It’s going to trigger in three, two…”

War Party> Custom Ghost Ship Trap in B1 triggered.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 2,874 casualties. 110,987 invaders remain.

“Holy hell,” I said. “I think you got all of them!” That damn trap had worked! It’d killed all the chickens and their riders in one move.

“Yes!” Archie said, raising his fist in the air.

Gretchen had provided the necessary final ingredient for the trap. Earlier, Jonah had suggested over chat that she try to go fishing to see if she could discover any more mastery abilities. The water of the Cassagnac river was poisoned, but it didn’t stop her from trying to fish. She’d scrounged up a pole somewhere, cast it into the water, and had been inundated with new abilities. One of them was a spell called Gowdy’s Unbreakable Line, which was a spell that created what appeared to be a very fine, very strong, very sharp fishing line. It cost one mystic point per meter, and Gretchen had spent the better part of today shooting that shit out of her like she was a damn silkworm on crystal. We’d placed multiple tripwires and neck-level lines throughout the latter parts of the spiral.

For the Ghost Ship trap, Archie had devised an even more insidious use of the unbreakable fishing line. This was a new trap, something he’d come up with on his own. Once the trap was triggered, it waited a good four minutes to activate, allowing the targets to bunch up near the single-file river crossing. The wire was pulled taut between two poles that spanned the width of the spiral path. Upon activation, the poles popped up and traveled the distance from the castle to the bridge, pulled forth by twin Summon Object spells. The poles moved incredibly fast, traveling the quarter mile in mere seconds.

The fishing wire sliced effortlessly through anything in its path.

We’d tested it, and it’d been fast and sharp enough to slice through steel like it was made of hot butter. Archie had rigged it so that once it activated, it would zip back and forth. The line was now traveling back and forth down the straight, and it would bisect anything stupid enough to get in its way. He’d said if he’d had more time he’d be able to devise something that would travel much further than just that quarter mile stretch. 

“Dude, you are one sick motherfucker,” I said.

Spritz, who was also watching the map pointed. “These new hobgoblin invaders are not moving forward. They are coming into the spiral and gathering just inside the gate.”

“Yeah,” I said. “They don’t want to creep up behind Miss Octopus. She’d already killed half them. I bet they’re going to wait a bit before venturing deeper.”

Archie grimaced, pointing at the map. “It doesn’t look like the others are marching forward either. Their lead contingent is gathering at the base of the Sentinel Tower.”

War Party> Castle One has been occupied by enemy forces.

“Oh shit, they’re sending troops up to attack the triplets,” I said. Shit! We hadn’t anticipated that.

“Hmm,” Archie said, leaning over the map. “It looks like it wasn’t many. They’re continuing on their way now. Do you have anyone guarding the pathway to the top? Can they even get in there if it’s sow only?”

“There’s one guard,” I said. “I don’t know about the girl thing. Are those kappa dudes boys or girls? How can you tell?”

“Are you asking me?” Archie said, shrugging. “How the hell would I know, mate? I just work here.”

Poppy: Ace, Malik, whatever your name is. You’re going to have company soon, buddy.

Malik: I see them. Do not worry. It is a long staircase, and the acoustics in here are divine.

Jonah Note 28

Finally, after what seemed like two hours, the main Harmony fast travel portal came online.

“Close that hole,” I roared, and a pair of mounted spider hobgoblins pushed forward.

It’d turned into a war of attrition. The viper fish sensed blood in the water. Content to allow those trapped in the castle to wait, they turned their attention on us. Thousands upon thousands of them stood upon the muddy and devastated streets of Harmony, patiently waiting their turn to hammer at the exhausted and beleaguered hobgoblins.

“I’m going to open the portal,” I cried, jumping back to the mechanism.

A strange, green creature appeared out of nowhere. It was round, about the size of a beachball, and it hovered in the air, trailing colorful sparkles. She looked like an anime caricature of a cute dragon. She had a yellow dot on the map. A game guide! Her name was “Portal Penny.”

Really?

“Welcome, Your Majesty. Where would you like to go today?” the cartoonish character said, speaking fast and high-pitched.

A full-screen map appeared in my vision, and I briefly marveled at the sight. Thousands of twinkling bright lights covered the map of the world. I didn’t have time to gawk. I zoomed in on Paris, picking the city of Quibou.

“Are you traveling by yourself or with a group?”

I hesitated. I’d promised Popper and Gretchen I wouldn’t go back. The moment I set foot back in Quibou, I’d once again lose access to the kingdom management menu, and I would once again be arrowed.

Fuck it. I’d promised them I’d stay away before they’d lost their regen spot. We were all in deep shit now.

“So I’m going,” I said. I pointed over my shoulder. “And I’m taking them with me. The hobgoblins, not the fish dudes.”

The game guide’s eyes boggled. “All of them?” she asked. Her eyes flashed. “Are you taking the fairies, too?”

“Yes, he is,” a new voice said. Millicent the banded sylph appeared next to me. The small, red fairy dripped with blood. She shuttered. “I haven’t felt this alive since the Unification Wars.”

“I thought you were a healer,” I said.

“My babies are healers and protectors,” she said. “I am a banded sylph. I am a daughter of Montu.”

“Okay,” I said. “What’s your fairy power?”

She giggled. She zipped forward and booped me on the nose. “You’re silly.”  

“Okay,” Portal Penny said. “That will be 3,125,321 jacks. How will you pay today?”

“What?” I asked. “This is on official crown business!”

“And?”

“I have like 20,000 jacks on me. That’s it. I hadn’t realized I’d have to pay for all of them.”

She sighed heavily. “You may choose to pay using the treasury, but there will be a 5% surcharge.” Behind us, a hobgoblin screamed as he was speared in the face. “Also, no refunds on those who don’t…make it…to the portal.”

“Yes, whatever, do it,” I said.

“Thanks for your business! Have a nice trip!” The massive portal flashed into existence, a swirl of blue and purple.

“Retreat!” I called. “Retreat! Into the portal!”

I didn’t have to say it again. I turned, and I ran headfirst into the massive gateway, the roar of the hobgoblin cavalry behind me.

Achievement Unlocked! Travel via a fast travel node!

Entering Quibou.

A flash, and day turned into night. I stumbled through as if I was simply moving into another room. It wasn’t nearly as jarring as the Portal spell. I jumped to the side so I wouldn’t be trampled by the incoming hobgoblins.

I instinctively glanced at the time. It was just past 8:30 P.M. here.

Warning! You have entered an area of active warfare.

You have been drafted in the Castellane Defense Force! Your rank is Private First Class.

The original quest notification scrolled by as thousands of hobgoblins, spiders, beetles, and fairies poured out of the portal and into the empty pavilion.

To my right, the blown-to-hell white jacket garrison stood abandoned. To my left, the tall form of the Luxuriant hotel stood. A flashing blue light caught my eye. I knew what that meant. It was a corpse that hadn’t been looted by a player in time, so it was now fair game. Curious, I walked over to find the two polecats dead on the street.

“Oh, Raj,” I said, taking a knee. I’d seen the notification but I hadn’t processed it yet. I stroked the little guy’s fur. “You saved me, you know that? I’ll see you soon.” I gently picked him up and placed him to the side. 

The other polecat was an elderly woman, eyes wide in death. Sandra the Learnt. She had what appeared to be one of Raj’s seashells poking out of her mouth. I grasped her pouch and scrolled through her lootable items. She had a couple hundred jacks, some clothes, and an unidentified item labeled as an enchanted “Cartographer’s Tool.” I selected it, and the dividing compass appeared in my hand. The antique tool was used in the real world to measure distances with precision on maps. I slipped it into my pack.

Behind me, the ragtag remains of the hobgoblin cavalry stood. The majority of the hobgoblins remained in Harmony, guarding the castle and led by Major Slog. This group had been a good 20,000 rider and mount pairs, but they’d been whittled down to less than half that. And these soldiers were battered and exhausted. The wood fairies glowed as they zipped from hobgoblin to hobgoblin, healing them of their wounds.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Hey guys. We’re entering the spiral now. I couldn’t bring all of them, but I got the best of the best. We’re gonna take out these rebel assholes and then we’ll get to work on the boss. You just make sure the guys marching at the front get taken out.

Poppy: God fucking damnit you piece of dogshit, Jonah! Well, I warned you, buddy... I hope you brought your waterwings because I’m about to dishonorably discharge your ass out to gods-know-where.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Hey. Tinkerbell. Stop. I’m your only chance here. So let me do my thing, you do yours, and we can talk about your chickenshit fetish for teleporting me away later. Okay?

Gretchen: If those rebel hobgoblins are still crowded at the gate, you’re not getting in easy. It’s too small of an entrance.

Poppy: Oh for fuck’s sake. Once again, ol’ Popper has to do the dirty work. Jonah, lead your guys straight through the arch.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Where will you be?

Poppy: Alice, Battlefield Surgeon, and I will meet you there.

You have been promoted to War General and given full access to the War Party menu.

I found myself on the back of a beetle. The large, segmented creature smelled like dirt and twitched underneath me. There were no reins. I had no idea how to control the thing. It didn’t matter. I was in the midst of my warriors, and I screamed and frothed at the mouth with them. My heart soared, and I felt my blood begin to boil. We charged. I’d been worried that my new hobgoblin warriors would be hesitant to attack their own kind. If anything, they were reinvigorated at the sight of the hobgoblin insurgents.

The insurgents, aware of our approach at their rear formed up, lowering poleaxes in our direction. Strange, brown bolts of magic started to zip at us from the gate. I pulled up a magic protection shell, my second of three for the day. The wind whipped through my hair. Fairies flew on either side, screaming with their tiny voices. Above, a red streak ripped through the air. Millicent zipped ahead of us all.

Moments before we crashed into the defenders, the first line of hobgoblin rebels exploded in a spray of red. They’d been hit by an arrow from the Sentinel Tower, softening them up. We cleaved into them, crashing against the defenders like a wave onto the beach. They immediately buckled and cracked, and we continued through, trampling them underfoot.

I saw Popper and Alice. They’d galloped forth from Fort Bloodgasm, cutting through the back, coming to meet us in the center. They’d cut a hole in the hobgoblins, further distracting them. Popper screamed as he swung his axe, cutting down hobgoblin after hobgoblin.

As we cut our way through, I saw Popper and Alice were in trouble. Alice needed momentum to be at her most effective, and she’d been bogged down. The hobgoblins started to rally, surrounding them.

Popper stood on Alice’s back, screaming obscenities.

“Come on,” I cried, pushing my beetle forward. I was surrounded by mounted hobgoblins. Popper was a mere 100 meters away, but it might as well been a mile.

I watched as Millicent zipped toward Popper, her red light descending upon him like a rocket.

She flew right into his open mouth just as he burst into flames, leaping off Alice’s back.

He hit the ground with the force of a meteor landing from the heavens. When he stood, he was no longer Popper.

System Message> The Light God Lord Montu has made a battlefield appearance in Castellane, Libri.

Popper stood to his full height, rising on all four of his legs. Hobgoblins scattered, screeching with fear. We all came to a stop. My beetle hissed in surprise. Behind, Alice started backing away, ignored by the flabbergasted hobgoblins.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Um, Gretchen. Something just happened to Popper. Did you see that system message?

Gretchen: I don’t suppose he turned into a giant bull centaur thing with a hawk head?

His Royal Majesty Jonah: So you know what’s happening?

Gretchen: Okay. Don’t ask questions. It’ll last about two minutes. But you need to run. Alice, if you’re there, run. Popper will be okay.

Millicent had flown into Popper’s mouth and transformed him into a 20-foot, glowing, on-fire bull with the head of a hawk. Popper’s dot on the minimap had turned into a purple star. He wielded twin scimitars, each as long as a half-ogre.

“Calvary, into the city. Off the path!” I cried, pulling to the left toward an alleyway off the spiral path. “Alice, on me!”

We turned, and we ran as Montu the bull god destroyed the last remnants of the hobgoblin insurgents. He roared and smashed, stamping them into the ground.

Gretchen: Damn. I wish he’d done that to Akkorokamui.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Is he going to be able to do that whenever he wants?

Gretchen: No, it’s super rare. Nobody knows how to trigger a Celestial Boon. People seem to think it is random.

That wasn’t random. It had been caused by Millicent. Alice trotted up next to me. She bled from a dozen points on her bulk, but the wounds closed up as she was swarmed with wood fairies. “What in the blue hell was that about? Is that what he looks like in your real world?”

“Uh,” I began. “I hope not.”

A bestial roar filled the spiral. 

System Message> Grand Shaman Zeed has fallen in battle due to divine intervention. The Hobgoblin Insurgents have ceased to exist.

I stood there for several minutes, waiting one street over. The spiral had become eerily quiet.

Popper: Guys, where am I? Why am I naked again? And why the hell did I just puke up a fairy?

I laughed for the first time in a long, long time.

Gretchen Note 8

I stood with several hundred other white jackets, waiting to face off with the oni. Half of the kappa were dead. We’d focused on rapid-fire versions of most of these towers, and it had paid off, killing them one after another. The bowl-headed monsters fell back, allowing the oni tanks to take the lead.

Archie’s fluidized bed sand trap had worked, but not as well, against the tall oni. Some had managed to climb out before the lightning towers turned the ground to glass. Still, almost a thousand had been killed by the single trap. We still had a few more tricks in store for the creeps. I hoped it would be enough.

At the rear of the procession was the beast. Akkorokamui had turned into a massive, thirty-foot, shuffling octopus thing that lurched through the spiral on its tentacles, a beast out of a nightmare. Her translucent, purple skin pulsated in the starlight. Just under the skin one could see the faint outlines of humanoid forms, hundreds of them writhing within, as if her body had trapped all the souls of hell.

Every time a tower hit her with any sort of magic, Akkorokamui shot back, destroying the tower. We’d had to order all the towers except the Muzzle towers and the Sentinel Tower to not shoot at her unless she was the only thing in range. 

She was covered with dozens of black patches of skin where the Desiccate arrows buried themselves in her hide. They were having an obvious slowing effect on her. The arrows remained where they hit, covering her, giving her the appearance of a bizarre hedgehog limping its way through the spiral. Luckily she was much further back. It was probably a bad idea to face her head on with ground troops.

I missed having Bruce Bruce at my side. I hadn’t asked Jonah how the bear was doing. With Harmony overrun, I hoped he was keeping himself safe.

Ahead, the red monsters crossed the river. The oni didn’t need to cross the center of the bridge one by one. They were large enough where they could ford the river by jumping off the bank and wading through. While the normal arrow towers were ineffective against the red devils, every third or fourth monster was getting hit between the eyes by a level three arrow tower, which had been upgraded to a sniper tower. This was Granger’s tower. Each shot was enough to take one down. Soon their bodies clogged the river, causing a bridge of corpses to form, allowing them to surge across toward the barracks.

We rushed forward to meet them, screaming. I stabbed with my spear, feeling the rush of adrenaline from moving so quickly. My Zeal spell increased my damage and allowed me to move like the wind. Step, jab, swivel, jab, jab, step. One after another, I took them down. I was alive. I walked on air. I just was.

I let my mind go blank. This was me at my happiest, I think. Not with friends. Not when I’d gotten to spend time with little Peyton. Most of my life I’d spent worrying about something. I’d never allowed myself to just be happy, in the moment.

Except here in this game, when the odds were so stacked against me I couldn’t even think about anything except that exact moment. Not one second behind, not one second ahead. Just the pure, unadulterated now. Jab, sweep, jump, jab. No responsibilities. No regrets. Just now.

As weird as it sounds, I wish I can go back to that moment in the spiral, fighting the oni. Even now as I write this, I remember that moment best.

All around me, white jackets fell. We fought well, but we were overwhelmed. We’d killed them by the hundreds, but we’d soon have to fall back. They had the sheer numbers. It didn’t matter how effective we were. There were just so many. It was like trying to fight the tide with nothing more than a bucket.

Jonah had set his hobgoblins to the dirty task of cleaning up the alive but paralyzed kappas strewn throughout the spiral. He’d also set them ahead of Akkorokamui, decapitating all the fallen warriors they could, including the good guys. The demon had the ability to raise the dead, and we needed to make sure she couldn’t use it. After, Jonah told them to regroup at the Butcher’s Delight. We’d have to meet them there.

“Retreat!” I shouted, falling back.

As we ran, cutting through the city, I looked back, my eyes catching the tall, black sniper tower. It continued to fire shot after shot at the creeps.

Gretchen: Granger. Get out of that tower. Do not shoot at the boss. You’re getting dangerously close to…

The sniper tower exploded as it was hit with a spell. Rocks flew everywhere.

NPC Granger (Level 36, Hunter, Human) has died.

“No,” I cried. He was the last of Popper’s original group. Granger, Bingo, Winston, Flaky, Tiatha, and Raj. All dead. In the distance, the fires of a dozen towers burned. It seemed Akkorokamui was no longer waiting until after a tower shot at her. She was simply going through and destroying everything in her path. We’d killed thousands of her troops, but she’d already devastated our defenses.

I cringed as another tower was destroyed. We should have built more Muzzle towers and upgraded them. It was the only thing that worked against her. We didn’t even know if these Desiccate arrows were really doing anything other than slowing her down.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Meet us at the Butcher’s Delight. We’re going to try to keep them in the Catacombs as long as possible.

Gretchen: Got it.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: You doing okay?

Gretchen: Oh, you know. Another day in paradise.

Popper Note 28

We stood in front of the Butcher’s Delight, facing the exit to the Catacombs. It was just like with the emo-tong invasion, but now we had the archway and the odd tower supporting us. As pissed as I still was at Jonah for coming, I was glad to have him by my side. He went back to the castle and waited out his curse, but he was back. He’d brought me my last dress. Hopefully this one wouldn’t get ruined. Gretchen had just pulled up also. The three of us were together once again.

Alice had been out of sorts since the death of Raj. I patted her on the head. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

The front line of creeps had entered the Catacombs almost an hour earlier. They’d be on us at any moment.

War Party> Invaders are emerging from the Catacombs.

War Party Admin> Calculating casualties… 24,467 casualties so far. Obstacle is still active and additional casualties may occur. 32,199 invaders remain.

We’d taken out more than half of the Orochi invaders. It was a lot. But it wasn’t enough.

The oni emerged. Some of these were the bigger, boss-sized ones with whips.

The Butcher’s Delight fired, hitting one of the oni square in the face.

The beast fell to its knees, screaming. It dropped its whip and it…transformed. The demon face of the oni turned to that of a boar. It remained on all fours as the others grunted with surprise and backed away. The boar oni started squealing. It turned on one of its compatriots and charged. The oni cried out as the boar-thing started gnawing on its leg. The normal oni had no choice but to start beating the crap out of his friend.

The Butcher’s Delight fired again and again, about once every ten seconds. It seemed each hit only had about a 25% chance of turning the oni into one of the pig things. But it was enough. Soon the air was filled with the sound of squealing pig demons fighting their own kind.

“Well that’s just fucking weird,” Jonah said, lowering Triple Fang. We hadn’t even had to charge yet. Behind us, the archers pumped arrows into the oni. Like last time with the emo-tong, a pile of bodies started to grow, blocking the exit.

“As weird as that other tower you guys made?” Gretchen asked, pointing over her shoulder. The Putrid Tower, as Jonah, Archie, and Granger had called it, loomed further down, past the Gardens but before the Menagerie. We still didn’t know if it’d work as none of the creeps had gotten that far yet. We hadn’t tried it on Kiyohime, the dragon boss from the last wave.

“That tower is pure genius,” Jonah said. “In fact, I think maybe we should fall back to it.” In the distance, Akkorokamui had crossed the river and was approaching the entrance to the Catacombs. The closer she got, the more dangerous it was to be here on the ground. She could take us all out with a single shot, and we’d soon be in range.

“I think you’re right,” I said, turning and nodding to Colonel Holder, who stood back amongst the hobgoblins. The normally-stoic white jacket commander looked uncomfortable amidst his former enemies.

We left a contingent of archers with instructions to meld into the alleys the moment Akkorokamui rounded the distant corner and reached the entrance, and we rushed back toward the Putrid Tower.

“Archie’s boulder trap is coming up next,” Gretchen said. Jonah and Gretchen jogged alongside me and Alice. When Gretchen had that spear in her hand, her movements were oddly quick, like I was watching a video of her in fast forward. “They gotta get through that next. If it works half as well as the Ghost Ship trap, it’ll put us in a decent position.”

“Ghost ship?” Jonah asked, laughing. “You didn’t tell me about that one. Was it a wire that cut everyone in half?”

“Yeah, it was!” I said. “Gretchen and I couldn’t figure out why Archie named it that.”

“Wait,” Jonah said, looking back and forth between us. He stopped dead in the street. I had to pull Alice to a stop. He’d grown pale. “Archie named it that? Not you?”

“Yeah, why?” I asked. “What’s going on?” 

“It’s just odd,” Jonah said after a moment. He sounded contemplative, even a little sad. But not afraid. “You guys continue on. I’m going back to the castle real quick. I’ll meet you at the tower.”

“The hell you are,” I said. “Tell us what’s going on.”

“Trust me on this guys,” Jonah said. “It’s best if I do this alone.”

“Do what alone?” I asked. “Jonah!”

But he’d already moved off toward Fort Bloodgasm.

“Should we follow him?” I asked Gretchen.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I’m not sure what’s going on with him.”

“Leave him alone,” Alice said, speaking for the first time in awhile. “He’s sad about something. When someone is sad, sometimes it’s best to leave them alone.”

Jonah Note 29

My heart thrashed as I returned to the castle. We’d just received notice that Archie’s boulder trap had activated, rolling down the long street that flanked the Cassagnac. The thing had killed almost all of the remaining monsters, leaving just a handful left. The holy water towers had also been overly-effective, burning the demons away by the hundreds.

Of course the trap had worked. Were you just screwing with us this whole time?

I entered the defense cockpit. Spritz stood there, leaning over the map. Nale had escaped his tower unscathed and was back in the cockpit, discussing strategy with Spritz. Archie sat in the corner by himself, head down.

“You’re back,” Nale said, looking at me nervously. “So, about that whole portal thing. I’m…”

“Out,” I said to him and Spritz. I pointed at the door. The two NPCs looked at each other then fled the room, leaving me alone with Archie.

I stood there for several moments, staring down at the texugo, who didn’t move.

“When did you figure it out?” Archie finally asked.

“Ghost Ship?” I said. “Really?”

The texugo shrugged. “You’d already left when I named it that. I was pissed they’d kicked you. I figured you were all dead anyways, so I might as well have some fun. It’s my favorite movie. You know that.”

On the minimap, Archie’s dot remained white with the blue cross, indicating him as an arrowed NPC. An NPC.

“So,” Archie said. “I imagine you have a few questions.”

I sat down on the floor next to the hunched-over figure. If the texugo wanted me dead, I’d have been killed long ago. Giant clumps of fur had started to fall off his body. He smelled dreadful, too, like rotting meat.

“Ghost Ship. That movie is terrible,” I said. “People love that opening sequence, but the rest… It doesn’t live up to that one scene.” I sighed. We’d had this discussion before. “And yes, Isabella. I have a question or two.”

Popper Note 29

Just under 2,000 monsters remained. They were all kappa and the weird, pitch-black personal guards of Akkorokamui. And of course the demon herself. If the Putrid Tower didn’t work, our last line of defense would be the Menagerie.

It doesn’t matter. The creeps aren’t the real threat.

The octopus was currently out of range of the Sentinel Tower. The demon had apparently sent multiple waves of the kappas back into that tower, and each wave was beaten back by Ace the bard. It seemed he’d managed to charm the demons into switching sides. I never thought the poor auric had it in him.

Above, the Putrid Tower loomed. I objected to calling it that. Nothing was as putrid as my ordeal with the troll breasts and the pus. The fairies whipping by were a constant reminder. Millicent, the lone banded sylph and mother of the others was currently sitting on Alice’s head, chatting away with her, discussing the most effective ways of gutting a kappa.

“The enemy approaches,” Holder called.

“Hold until the tower does its thing,” I called. The tower only had limited ammo. I think Jonah had said they’d only had about 150 of the things up there.

Thwump. The tower fired into the midst of the kappa monsters. Thwump, Thwump.

Each blast was accompanied by an angry shriek.

The chamber imps weren’t very aerodynamic, and they flailed about as they were launched through the air. The untouchable little monsters crashed into the midst of the kappa beasts, rolling through them like a bowling ball. Each imp touched at least twenty of them before exploding in a mist of caustic blood. The acid blood didn’t hurt the kappas, who were also demons.

The Bad Hygiene curse, however, took immediate hold. One after one, the red skull of a curse notification started appearing over the creeps. Soon the majority of the beasts had been cursed.

It was time for us to get to work.

Not only did the Bad Hygiene curse make you smell really awful, it degraded your dexterity and ability to fight. The kappas swayed about as if drunk, many of them self-paralyzing as they stumbled and emptied their own water bowls.

“You know,” I said. “If we ever become allies with these Orochi assholes, I’m going to invent some sort of Tupperware lid for their heads. Or maybe just some plastic wrap, like they do to the top of the orange juice when you get room service at a nice hotel. Once you know about their weakness, they’re not that tough at all.”

Gretchen laughed. Alice asked what Tupperware was.

Gretchen: Jonah, are you okay? You said you’d be back by now.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Oh, I’m just dandy. Fucking dandy.

“Let’s get through this,” I said. “Then we can figure out what the hell is…”

NPC Archibald (Level 35, Sapper, Texugo) has left the party.

“…going on,” I finished.

We didn’t have any more time to think. Holder called for the charge, and we rushed into the mass of kappas.

“Popper,” Alice called, suddenly excited. “Popper! Popper! We did it! Level 30! I can cast Portal now!”

“That’s great,” I called, slamming Battlefield Surgeon into the neck of a kappa. The caustic blood of these creatures was muted, like with all earth-bound demons, but still, my legs started to burn. I worried for the condition of my dress. This was my last damn one.

Soon, they were dead. All of them. All that remained were the eight tall, dark kurobozu creatures. They stood back, unmoving on the trail. Holder held up his hand, stopping the onslaught. All around, sergeants started hollering for their fighters to form up.

For the first time today, the enemy was outnumbered. We had just about a thousand troops, facing off against eight.

“Shall we run them down?” Colonel Holder asked.

“Yeah,” Alice said.

“How are these fuckers still alive?” I asked. We’d mostly ignored them until now.

 “I don’t know,” Gretchen said. “But they make me nervous. We don’t know what they can do.”

We had a nearby sniper tower take aim at one of them. The arrow blasted through, exploding against the street behind them. It appeared they were invulnerable to physical attacks.

“No wonder,” I said. “They’re ghosts.”

“You,” Holder called, pointing at a pair of spider-mounted hobgoblins. Both of the hobgoblins had glowing weapons, indicating they’d be able to damage ghost-class beasts. “Go!”

The hobgoblins charged, rushing at the unarmed beasts. They fell upon them, and in a matter of seconds, all eight of the ghosts were dead. The unmoving monsters fell easily to the magical swords.

“Well that was anticlimactic,” I said.

The mounted hobgoblins trotted back, raising their swords in victory to the cheers of white jackets and hobgoblins alike.

The spiders and their riders both exploded the moment they reached the mass of troops in a cataclysm of green mist. I blew off Alice’s back. I smashed my Feather Fall and landed deftly on my feet in the midst of the carnage. My vision flashed red.

You’ve been poisoned!

Damage taken! Damage taken!

You’ve been cured of poison!

Hundreds of the fairies had been taken out in the blast, but many remained. They zipped about, curing and healing. They wouldn’t move fast enough. All around me, hobgoblins and white jackets gasped and died.

Alice shook her head, coughing. Gretchen had fallen against the hippocorn, but she seemed okay, having also been cured.

Colonel Holder was dead. Most of the hobgoblins that had been here were dead. The explosion had killed hundreds of us. I wasn’t even sure what had happened. The ghosts must have imparted some sort of curse on the two hobgoblins, causing them to explode in a mist of poisonous gas. Christ.

Millicent zipped by, swearing profusely.

Of the thousands of hobgoblins who had come to Castellane with Jonah, only a few hundred remained. Of the thousands of arrowed citizens, only a few hundred remained. Of the thousands of fairies, only a few hundred remained. Just like that.

Most of the towers were now down. Most of the defenders were dead. Akkorokamui had apparently just blown up the Catacombs instead of bothering to go inside. She was currently smashing her way through the Gardens. She’d been back in range of the Sentinel Tower for a bit now, but it didn’t appear as if the Desiccate arrows did anything other than piss her off and slow her down.

I looked at Gretchen. It was time. She’d made me promise not to kick her out, but if I didn’t, then she’d die with me. So I didn’t care. She could kick my ass when they pulled my insane self out of stasis.

“You know,” Gretchen said. She looked at me sadly. “Jonah says he received the rewards for wave four even though he’d been kicked out.”

“Yeah, so?” I asked.

“I’m pretty sure that means once we’re in, we’re in. You can kick us out, and it won’t matter. Once the demon hits the castle, the wave will be lost, and we’ll die, discharged or not.”

I closed the menu, looking at her. She been reading my mind.

“We’re not going to make it,” I said. In the distance, the demon roared as another tower exploded.

“I know,” Gretchen said.

We were going to die, and without a regen spot, we were going to be kicked to the closest Amity temple. It seemed there was only one Amity temple in the whole game, in the Order of the Golden Sister Sanatorium in Harmony. And since that hospital was hosted on a different, non-existent server, we would wake up in a loading screen, one that would never, ever go away. Not for thousands of years.

Even if Harmony was sucked into a volcano, the sanatorium would remain. Like with the business centers, the “game services” buildings were immune to destruction.

Jonah would be the same. He had a regen spot, maybe, but he was also level 37. With his curse, he’d have to survive 37 hours of torture before they’d let him go. He wasn’t going to make that. Nobody would. I had no idea how he’d survived twenty-something hours the first time. The poor guy had been in a coma for a week after.

“So…” Gretchen was saying. She twirled her spear.  “If we’re going to die, we might as well do it in as glorious of a fashion as possible.”

Jonah Note 30

“So, question one,” I said. I picked up a clump of foul-smelling fur off the ground. “I thought all of us are supposed to be humans. And how the hell are you listed as an NPC?”

The Isabella/Archie thing grinned. “I was thinking you’d never ask,” the texugo said. Isabella raised her arms to the air, and the skin sloughed off, falling to the ground in wet clumps.

NPC Archibald (Level 35, Sapper, Texugo) has left the party.

I stared as the texugo was replaced by a thirty-year-old, female, human figure in all black. She wore slick, skin-tight clothes that rippled in the light. Her character appeared to have Turkish or Arabic features. Her black hair was pulled in a tight bun on the back of her head, similar to the way Isabella wore it in the real world. In fact, the character had an eerie similarity to the real version, right down to the eyes.

She also sported a glowing, enchanted ring on each of her elegant fingers, including her thumbs. I caught sight of a glowing necklace that she quickly tucked into her black, skin-tight shirt. So that was 11 accessories I could see. That meant she was at least level 110. If Smallthunder was any indication, she was probably much higher.

The rotting remnants of Archie spread on the ground around her. On the minimap, her dot had turned from white to blue. She was no longer arrowed, despite being a player in a warzone.

“It’s a spell,” she said. “It’s called Fleshmonger. It allows me to wear the body of the recently deceased. With my mastery ability in the spell, it also gives me the ability to mimic the skills of the deceased and even see some of their memories. It’s an extremely useful spell.”

“I’ve heard of that spell,” I said, remembering hearing about it from Gretchen. Isabella wasn’t a sapper. She was a harbinger. “I thought you could only wear the dead bodies on you for a few minutes?”

She nodded. “It’s a few minutes per player level, but as you increase your skill in the spell, it goes up. I’m a level 43 master in Fleshmonger. I can wear the dead bodies for 10 minutes per player level.”

“And what’s your level?” I asked, afraid of the answer.

“892,” she said.

Holy shit. I wasn’t Gretchen, so I couldn’t do the math in my head, but it had been just over six days since we’d met Archie. I suspected the time was just about up, which was why Archie’s skin was starting to fall off.

“You dumbasses had allowed all your sappers to be killed,” she continued. “I sneaked into the guild right after it opened and found the body. This guy here died protecting his wife and little ones. They hadn’t really gotten away, unfortunately.”

“Okay,” I said. “How are you not arrowed then?”

She stuck up her middle finger of her left hand, revealing a ring with a shining green stone. “It’s this one. It’s called a Ring of Royal Deferment. You’d almost tripped me up, actually, when you attempted to arrow me that night. Also, when Miss Xena insisted I go into your party, it really threw me for a loop. She’s a clever one, that Gretchen. I had to leave my real party to join yours.”

She’s not in contact with her friends in Rafingo, I thought. I remembered what Yi had said about Smallthunder. He’d found their secret hideout, and he’d gone hunting. I once again checked the players online, and the number was still at 13. If he had captured or hunted down any of Isabella’s crew, they weren’t dead.

“Okay, then. So, why are you here?” I finally asked.

“You know that book of yours really pissed off my crew,” she said. “You don’t even realize what you’ve done. You mentioned something in there that gives away the location of where we’ve been hiding. We’ve been preparing to move anyway, but we’ve had to accelerate those efforts. Anyway, when we saw the notification of the world event, we were curious, so I came out to investigate. And then I stumbled upon your book and realized it was you. This celebrated, amazing King Jonah was actually Charlie. My Charlie. I knew I had to help. I was hoping I could do it without you finding out. But you were always clever, Charlie. It’s part of what I liked about you.”

“You tricked me,” I said. “You made me think I was special.”

She put her hand on my cheek. “You were special. You are special, Charlie. Yes, there were others. But what we had was different. I hope someday you’ll believe that.”

“Someday?” I asked. “Do you know what’s going on out there? We’re going to die, probably in a few minutes. We don’t have regen spots. Isabella, I was tortured. I’m going to be tortured again.”

She sighed. “Daniels, I know. I’m really sorry about that. I should have put a bullet in him instead of Conestoga.” She shook her head. “It would’ve save a lot of trouble, actually.”

“Why? Why did you do it?”

She didn’t answer for several moments. “It’s a long story,” she said. “I want you to know the truth, but we don’t have time.”

“How about the quick version, then.”

She looked toward the doorway. I turned to see both Spritz and Nale standing there, wide-eyed at the new arrival sitting amongst the gore that used to be Archie.

“The whole reason the world had gone to shit was because nobody would work together. When the United States abandoned NATO, that was the start of the end, leaving everyone to fend for themselves. And then the Americans announce they have found a new home, but only they, Canada, and Japan can know where it is? How was that fair? Long ago, the Americans came onto the world stage, presenting themselves as these great protectors of the world. And look what happened. So yes, a contingent of us worked together to make certain this migration was diverse. Fuck them.”

“So you killed the crew?” I asked, incredulous. “The Hibiscus is crashing. We’re all going to die unless Waldo’s plan works out. How is that helping anyone? There’s 50,000 of us on the ship, Isabella.”

“We didn’t have a choice,” Isabella said. “We received a message. We had a system of hiding messages in the bursts. Earth went to shit right after we left. It was even worse than we thought. China invaded Japan and Korea. India and Pakistan continued to lob nukes at each other. A new earthquake and tsunami devastated central America, New Zealand, and Australia. Disease, war, and death, Charlie. The United States suffered another coup attempt, and this one stuck. All our careful planning went to hell.”

She wiped her eyes. “From what we gathered, the Catholic church came forward and announced they’d built a huge fleet of ships, and they were ready to go. They could take several million people, not just Catholics. Then the Muslims came forward with a similar offer. And then the Mormons. Though they only took in fellow Mormons. A whole fleet. The Americans refused to give up the location. But it didn’t matter. We knew. NATO was working with the Rus Feds. They’d pretended their shipyard had been hit with a rock, but in reality they’d built a whole fleet of their own. We’d installed a subroutine that sent back our destination once it had been programmed in. Gemma caught the routine, but it was too late. NATO got the coordinates, joined up with the churches, filled the ships, and left for Arcadia. They’re going to be here any day. Millions of settlers, Charlie. Millions.”

My head swam. It didn’t make sense. “But why did they order The Hibiscus crashed? Why did they order the surface irradiated?”    

“Thanks to Gemma’s warning, the new American leadership knew The Hibiscus was infiltrated. For all their efforts to keep everything secret from the outside world, they’d allowed themselves to be compromised from the inside out. They’d tasked us with finding 50,000 colonists, train them, and to keep it a secret, all in a period of five months. Do you know how difficult that is? My contingent had taken over the entirety of the medical group. We were tasked with the psych exams of the potential colonists. We’d been deliberately tanking the most qualified candidates on psych grounds. Eventually the navy just put us in charge of recruitment. That was our opening. Everything was moving so quickly, they never even checked our work. If we said someone was qualified, they just assumed they were.”

“Yeah,” I said, suddenly bitter. I’d figured out already it was something like this. “You filled The Hibiscus with whatever the opposite of a ringer is. People you thought would do a shitty job. You picked me deliberately because you thought I was a loser, thinking I’d fuck up my task.”

She lowered her head, and she didn’t even try to deny it. “The plan was to have a second, hidden fleet show up right after The Hibiscus, but before the main colony fleet in five years. If we arrived and found you floundering on the planet, you’d have no choice but to accept us. We hadn’t anticipated for everything to hit the fan so quickly. Or for the new American government to be so damn petty. You know what they say, that no battle plan survives contact with the enemy. When we learned that the crew was to be ordered to crash the ship, we had to act. We had to kill The Hibiscus’s crew.”

“It seems to me you should’ve taken out the AI Gemma and not focused so much on being murdering assholes,” I said. “Do you really think the crew would just kill themselves?”

She nodded. “It seems to me you’re right. It happened so fast, Charlie. We printed out the message, read it, and by the time we’d even processed what it said, Gemma had already melted Alice and locked herself in the server room. We had no idea the AI had that much power. The Hibiscus is filled to the brim with hidden security measures, things we didn’t even know about. You can thank good old-fashioned American paranoia for that. There are fucking robots roaming the hallways, trying to break into the life support systems. These were supposed to be construction bots for the habs, and they’re armed to the teeth. Waldo is fighting a losing battle.”

“Jesus,” I said.

She nodded. “So the Americans, realizing what was happening did what bitter assholes do. They ordered The Hibiscus crashed, and they ordered the surface ruined for the new fleet.”

“But that just ruins it for everyone.”

“It ruins it for the NATO fleet,” Isabella said. “All the Americans have to do is slow down their next fleet a couple percentage points, and instead of arriving 5 years later, they arrive 5,000 years later, and the ambient surface radiation is back to safe levels.”

“I still have so many questions,” I said, my mind reeling. We didn’t have time for this. I stood, looking at the map. Akkorokamui was getting terrifyingly close to the end of the spiral run.

“So,” I said. “If you’re really level 892, then I imagine you can probably help us out with our demon problem.”

Isabella sighed, standing up. She wiped some errant texugo hair off her legs. “I’m afraid not, Charlie. You guys are on your own.”

“What? Why? Isn’t that why you’re here?”

“First off, there’s no stopping that thing. You’re screwed. I came here to see what you guys were really about, to see if you’d be a good fit for our team. It’s not going to happen. I like you, Charlie. For a while there I thought I was a little bit in love with you. But we’ve had some time to think about what’s going on, and we’ve all decided it’s best to just let the ship die. We’re not going to actively be assholes about it like Daniels was, but if we save the ship, there’s still a chance Gemma will manage to do some real damage. There are millions of people on the way here, Charlie. It’s best, safest for everyone involved if we make the sacrifice and just let it happen.”

“It’s 50,000 people,” I said. “People you helped choose.”

“Did you know that over half of these people are from the United States prison system? Most of them are violent offenders. The scientists and engineers are all mediocre at best. Somewhere in there is an honest-to-goodness serial killer. The police had tried to stop one of our launches to the shipyard because they’d traced the killer to our facilities. Can you imagine that? We didn’t come into this intending on letting The Hibiscus fail, but there it is. We can still lead full lives. In here, we’ll live much longer than people out in the real world.”

“Then why won’t you help us?” I asked.

“Take it as a compliment,” she said. “You guys are good at this. I enjoyed working with you. This has been the most fun I’ve had in years. But you’re a little too good. If we let you just roam free, there’s a chance you might pull this rescue-the-ship operation off. Not a good chance, but what happens if you correct the orbit, but you still can’t stop Gemma? If the ship falls out of orbit in the next few hours, Gemma won’t have time to fully take over and irradiate the surface. But what happens if the ship is stabilized? We can’t take that risk.”

“So you’re just going to let us die?”

Isabella shrugged. “Sorry. Besides, Smallthunder is right about one thing. I mean, it was rich coming from someone like him, but you guys are fucking with the NPC ecosystem. The more self-aware they get, the more dangerous it is for us. It’s best you just leave well enough alone.”

“You’re a monster,” I said. “Just like Daniels.”

“Daniels was a monster. He was a sadistic prick. I’m just trying to help save the world.”

I had the urge to punch her in the face. I knew that was probably a bad idea.

“We’re going to get out of this,” I said. “And when we do, I’m going to hunt you down, and I am going to make you suffer.”

She smiled sadly. “I really wish that was true, Charlie. But I can’t imagine how you will. Either way, I’ll stick around to watch it go down. Don’t bother trying to attack me. It won’t go so well for you.” She held up her hand. “And here’s a promise. I swear I won’t get in your way, no matter what happens. At least not today. I figure I owe you at least that much.”

I looked at the map. Akkorokamui would soon be on the Menagerie. I focused on the lone Muzzle tower sitting there. My eyes caught something sitting on the table. It was one of the extra abbot fruits Raj had found. Popper must have placed it there as a tribute to the little guy.

“Did you ever meet Raj?” I asked. I picked up the fruit, tossing it in the air, thinking.

“No,” she said.

“We had this quest not too long ago,” I said. “And it required us to find one of these things for a salve. So we went looking everywhere for this fruit. We asked the clerics, the druids, and the mages. We tried to ask the alchemists, but they’d already fled. Anyway, we couldn’t find the damn thing. We thought we’d have to zap our way halfway across the world to get it from the vine. But little, innocent Raj, he found some for us in five minutes flat. You know why? Because that’s the way his brain works. It was a fruit, so he went to the fruit market. It was the most obvious thing in the world. But we missed it because we were so blinded by the potential complexity of the quest. It was something grand, mysterious, and we missed the obvious.”

“What’re you trying to say, Charlie?” Isabella asked.

“That thing out there,” I said. “She’s an octopus, right? A sea creature.”

“So?” 

I turned and started to jog out of the room. I opened up chat, telling Gretchen and Popper to meet me at the Menagerie.

Jonah Note 31

Gretchen and I stood atop the Muzzle tower. Popper and Alice stood below, off the path.

“That spell is only five mystic points,” Gretchen said. “How is it going to work?”

I had my fly pole out. I cast Create Hook, and I made the largest, nastiest-looking hook I could.

“It’ll work,” I said. I reread the description of Gretchen’s spell for the 100th time.

“But how do you know?”

“Because it’s the simplest answer. It’s the Raj answer.”

“I don’t even know what that means,” Gretchen said.

Poppy: Here she comes.

The octopus rounded the corner, huge, bigger than life. From this angle, I could see the top of her head. Words floated there as if she was any other sea creature:

Akkorokamui, Cephalopod Form. Rarity: Unique. Value: ##null fishmonger. ##null chemist. Weight: 146,047.711 kgs. Length: 24.99 meters. This cephalopod is safe to eat.

She moved terribly slow. Her entire bulk was covered with arrows. I worried I’d have difficulty finding purchase on the skin.

 His Royal Majesty Jonah: Crystal. Quick, pick out an arrow that’ll blow all these shafts off the body. I just need an area on the head to sink my hook.

Crystal: Got it. That’s an easy one.

Starr: Aiming now. Waiting for the arrow.

Crystal: A simple boom arrow will do it. These things only take 10 seconds.

Kitty Chapman: Firing now.

The arrow streaked across the night sky, blasting against the demon’s head, leaving a wide swath of free skin.

Below, the Muzzle tower fired. The blue plasma splashed against the demon’s face before she could cast a spell to blow us to hell. She approached, tentacles swaying.

“Okay,” I said, get ready. “I gotta hook her first before you cast.”

“This is crazy, you know that, right?” she said.

I grinned, back cast, and whipped my pole, casting the weighted line out toward the giant octopus. I watched the hook land right on the beast’s head, catching firm.

“Now!” I cried.

Gretchen cast Instant Fish Fry, her five mystic point spell.

The description for the spell was simple:

“Allows for the cooking of seafood without the benefit of a cookfire. Target must be either in bucket or on hook for the spell to work.”

A terrible, back alley dumpster behind the crab restaurant stench filled the air as the bulk of one of the most powerful demons in the game collapsed onto the ground. Steam rose from her corpse.

Nobody moved. Below, I watched Alice shuffle onto the path, reach over, and take a bite out of a tentacle. She chewed for a minute then looked up at us. “It’s kinda gross!” she called. She took another bite.

Poppy: Holy fucking shit, Jonah and Gretchen. As long as I live in this damn game, I will never again see anything…

A wall of text drowned him out.

Wave 5 of 5 complete.

You have received a reward! 100,000 jacks have been added to your account. You have received ten training tokens!

You may pick any item from your class’s hall of honor. Visit your class guild hall for details.

Congratulations! You have successfully defended the city.

You have been honorably discharged from your service.

Thank you for your service.

System Message> Attention! Players far and wide! Attention! This is an important message from the Dominion Crown!

The Siege of Castellane. The Liege of Orochi has fallen. The city of Castellane is safe once again. The magic that once made the city inaccessible to the world is failing, and the grand metropolis will soon welcome all who wish to visit.

The crown thanks all brave warriors who risked their lives in the pursuit of liberty. Bards will sing of your bravery for generations to come.

A new City State has appeared on the world stage. All hail Queen Poppy of Castellane!

Akkorokamui has fallen in battle. All hail Empress Gretchen, the new liege of the Orochi!

Gretchen stood dumbfounded at the top of the tower. Floating over her head read the words “Her Royal Empress, Gretchen of the Orochi.”

“Gretchen,” I said. “Have you seen your level yet?”

Popper was still level 30, and I was still 37. Gretchen had rocketed past me and was now level 52. I hadn’t even received assist experience for the kill.

“God damned game,” I grumbled.

Popper Note 30

“So all three of us are royalty now,” I said.

We stood under the awning of the Menagerie. All the cages were full again save one. I sighed. I kinda liked being royalty, even if it was only for a bit.

I opened the menu, found the spot I wanted, and hit the right buttons.

Are you certain? You cannot undo this action.

I clicked Yes.

System Message> Queen Poppy of the City State of Castellane has abdicated the throne, submitting to the rule of the Dominion. The kingdoms are now merged.

I watched Jonah as his eyes went glossy. Now that he was officially back in Dominion territory, he was being inundated with updates. He needed to check in with everybody, especially Larus, who’d hopefully managed to get to a fast travel portal.

“I can’t believe it’s going to let you do this,” Gretchen said. “It’s like cheating. If you pulled this in the real world, people would be calling for your blood.”

“This is the real world,” Jonah said, frowning.

“What is it?” Gretchen said.

“Castle Harmony still stands, but it won’t for long. Keta hasn’t left yet.”

“Fuck that bitch,” I said.

The day wasn’t over yet. This next part wasn’t going to be easy.

While we waited, Jonah continued to bitch about not getting assist experience for killing the demon.

“Now you know how we felt after the tournament battle,” I said.

“That was different,” Jonah said.

“How?”

“She’s coming,” Gretchen hissed. We stopped, turning. The figure of Isabella picked her way from Fort Bloodgasm toward the Menagerie where we waited to talk to her.

Next to me, Alice growled. I put my hand on her.

Jonah leaned up against the cage that held the pazuzu. They threw themselves against the cage, trying to get to him. Isabella approached, and she clapped her hands.

“Bravo,” she said. “You killed one of the most powerful demons in the game with a level one spell.”

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Larus, are you with him?

Larus: Yes, your majesty. He is an odd man.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Has he responded to our offer?

Larus: He says, and I quote, “Shove your offer up your ass. The Celestial Tear is far too valuable for someone like you to have. There isn’t a thing in this world you can offer me that will change my mind.”

“That sounds about right,” Gretchen mumbled.

“Let me ask you something,” Jonah said to Isabella. “What does Smallthunder want?”

“He’s driven by the idea of revenge,” Isabella said. “The guy is a little obsessive. We killed his sweetie, you see. Conestoga. Everything he’s done since he got here is in service to his grudge.”

“What about The Hibiscus?” Jonah asked.

“I don’t know for certain,” Isabella said. “But I honestly don’t think he’s given the ship two thoughts since he’s gotten here. Every moment of his day is spent searching this world for us.”

“So he hasn’t looked in Rafingo yet?” Jonah asked.

Isabella stopped dead.

Poppy: Chauncey. Do your thing.

Chauncey: Opening the door. 

“Charlie, tell me you didn’t tell him about that place,” she said. “You don’t understand how angry he is.”

“No,” Jonah said, raising a finger. “You don’t understand how angry I am, Isabella.”

I’d never seen Jonah like this before. In that brief moment, I saw something in Jonah I’d never noticed. It was a terrible realization. A devastating one. He has it, too, I thought. The Hobgoblin Riot. It lives and breathes in him.

Isabella took a step forward. I moved into position, Alice with me. My hippocorn quivered with anticipation. One more step. One more step.

“I didn’t tell him,” Jonah said.

She visibly relaxed.

“But I’m afraid my magic advisor did. She helped me visit you the other day. I saw your pet dinosaur. Cute.”

Fire formed in Isabella’s hands, and she stalked forward, her face a mask of rage.

“Do it,” I hissed.

“Barrel roll!” Alice shrieked, rolling to her left, slamming into Isabella. The harbinger flew straight into the open Menagerie cell. The door snapped closed. Fire immediately filled the cage, followed by a blue lightning, followed by screams and pounding at the impenetrable door.

“I didn’t get to say ‘Motherfucker,’” Alice pouted. “That’s the best part.”

I patted her on the side. “It’s okay. Next time. I promise.”   

“Is it safe?” Chauncey asked, coming out from around the corner.

The coypu had reappeared immediately after the wave finished. The creature had been aghast at the destruction wrought on the city.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Larus, ask him if he’d be willing to trade Isabella Farooqi in exchange for the tear.

Larus: He doesn’t appear to believe you have the ability to hand this person over, your majesty.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Tell him this. I’m giving him Isabella. I’m also giving him something else, whether he likes it or not. I suspect he’s an honorable man, and I believe he will hold up his part of the bargain. Tell him I want the celestial tear installed back in the castle at Harmony within the next six months.

Larus: He wishes to know what this something else is.

His Royal Majesty Jonah: He’s gonna know in about thirty seconds. Tell him Isabella may be found cooling her heels in Castellane. Oh, and Larus.

Larus: Your majesty?

His Royal Majesty Jonah: Thank you for your help. I underestimated you. I promise I will try to do better. Goodbye.

“You sure about this, bud?” I asked.

Jonah nodded. Next to us, Isabella continued to rage, slamming against the wall of the cage. Tears streamed down her face. I was starting to feel kinda bad.

System Message> The Dominion Crown has relinquished control of Harmony to the usurper, Keta. A new city state has formed in the country of Aberdeen. Harmony is now an autonomous region.

System Message> The Dominion has lost their capital city! A new capital has been chosen. From this moment forward, the capital of the Dominion shall be the city of Grandeur in the country of Hermosa.

System Message> King Jonah of the Dominion has abdicated his crown! A new king has been chosen. All hail King Garcia!

As the rules indicated, the system had picked the highest-ranking player in the Dominion to be the new liege. Jonah visibly relaxed when it was done.

“Oh thank god,” he said. “It feels as if the weight of the world has lifted off my shoulders.” He peered in his pack. “That stupid helmet is gone. So is the regular crown. They must have teleported themselves to Smallthunder.”

“You really think he’s going to give the celestial tear back?” Gretchen asked.

“No way,” Jonah said. “We’re going to have to steal it back.”

Starr, Crystal, and Kitty Chapman approached, followed by Ace and a small army of kappa warriors. About a hundred of them. Alice growled, but their dots were all white on the minimap.

I raised an eyebrow at the demons.

“They’re ours now,” Starr said. “Ace wooed them with his songs.”

“We’re gonna need some of that Tupperware,” I noted. The monsters stood, swaying as if they were listening to music only they heard.

“We had a deal,” Starr said. “Now you gotta tell us how to get to L.A.”

“Actually, ladies,” Jonah said. “Give us a couple days, and we’ll take you there ourselves. It’ll be a road trip, just like the old days.”

“So you’re just handing kingdoms out today? I don’t understand why you would do that,” a new voice asked.

We all turned to face the voice. An old man stood there, leaning on a walking stick.

“Master Gold,” Gretchen said.

The mysterious player had remained outside the city for the remainder of the fight, despite being arrowed. In all the craziness, I’d forgotten about the dude.

“There are two primordials hunting the crown,” Jonah said. “The only reason we tried to keep the city was because of my access to Waldo, and Smallthunder took it. There’s no reason for me to remain king until I get my Waldo access back. My name is Jonah. Who are you?”

The man shuffled forward. “I suppose that makes sense,” he said. “But you can’t give Smallthunder too much of an advantage. He’s a brilliant tactician. If he’s truly gone off the deep end like Daniels suggested in your book, you shouldn’t be giving him that much power.”

“Who are you?” Jonah asked again, eyes narrowing. His hand went to the hilt of Triple Fang.

Master Gold held a pouch in his hand. He pulled out a ring. “No, not this one,” he muttered, putting it back. He grabbed another. “Oh, yes, here it is.” He slipped the ring onto his finger. He pointed his finger at Alice, and a magenta bolt shot forth, surrounding the hippocorn.

“Alice,” I cried. “Alice!” I reached forward to grab the hippocorn’s saddle in an attempt to jump on. My hand went right through her like she wasn’t even there.

Gold popped another ring onto his finger, and a yellow aura surrounded the man. The word Invulnerable appeared over his head with a 30-second countdown. A fraction of a second later, Gretchen slammed him in the head with her spear. Three arrows bounced off him, like he was made of stone. He didn’t flinch.

Thirty seconds. That was a really long time for an invulnerability spell. Who was this guy? What was happening?

“Popper!” Alice cried, eyes wide. Her normally black, pinpoint eyes had been replaced with flashing lights. A data transfer. A big data transfer. I’d never seen anything like it. Alice continued to move and talk while the lights flickered. “They’re alive! Molly and Juliette! They are on The Faith. It’s a ship in the new fleet. They’re not coming in five years. They’re coming now! They left less than a year after you left earth, but they are due to arrive in a matter of days!”

I stopped dead. What the hell? “What? What’re you talking about?”

Alice continued. “You have to stop her. Stop Gemma. As soon as she’s brought The Hibiscus to the point of no return, she is going to transfer herself to an SK-33 satellite. She’s preparing to launch the satellite now. It’s designed to shoot down unauthorized ships! Waldo is programmed only to protect those on The Hibiscus. He is not concerned with any other ship. Gemma is who must be stopped! She’s going to kill Molly, Popper! Gemma is going to kill Molly!”

“Sorry kid,” Master Gold said. “But she was mine long before she was yours.”

Then he and Alice winked out of existence.

Epilogue

The shop was much as he left it. The small thunderbird remained on its perch, squawking angrily. He’d placed a containment spell around it that would last another couple of days. The old man lay in a fetal position on the ground in the shop, also surrounded by a spell. The NPC was dead, but the Preserve Meat spell would keep him from regenerating. Discovering the ring that cast that spell and its usefulness had been a happy surprise.

The Instant Recall spell had worked as intended, and the hippocorn had arrived in one piece. She continued to scream and bellow, unleashing a torrent of curses. The Holding spell would dissipate in a few seconds. He grabbed the trap off the counter and held it menacingly over the angry hippocorn.

“Alice,” he said. “You got the data transfer. I saw it. Don’t you recognize me? You told me you’d be waiting for me outside of town when I regained my memory. You didn’t say you wouldn’t have any memory, either.”

“Bring me back to Popper!” Alice screamed. “Bring me back right now or I swear to the gods I will rip your throat out, eat you from the inside out, and shit your remains on your mother’s grave!”

“Take a deep breath,” Master Gold said. “And think. I need you to remember.”

The hippocorn huffed angrily. This shop was much too small for her bulk. He’d underestimated her size when he’d picked this place.

After a moment, her eyes went wide. “Richard?” she asked.

Relief flooded Master Gold.

***

“Okay,” Bruce Bruce said, peeking out from the bush. The entire area crawled with the viper fish. They just kept coming and coming, but most were now moving south, away from where they hid. “Jenny, Eli, the coast is clear.”

Bruce Bruce emerged from cover, and the two donkeys followed. That stupid equort had refused to come with them, opting to stay near her master. She was probably dead now. The hobgoblins had defended the castle for a while, but the viper fish just kept coming.

They’d sneaked out through the side exit. A few of the fish had given a half-hearted chase, but Bruce Bruce had swiped at one, slicing its leg good. It fell to the ground, squealing. After that they went north. If they could make it to Crediton, they’d be safe. From there they’d find out where Jonah, Gretchen, Popper, and Alice were, and they’d join up with them.

I am Strong Mount the Powerful, Bruce Bruce thought. I promised King Jonah I’d keep them safe, and with the gods as my witness, I will.

Jenny snorted.

End.

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Coming Soon

The Thieves of Grandeur
Dominion of Blades, Book III

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Table of Contents

“Jesus, it’s beautiful,”

Note from the Scriptorium Guild.

Author Unknown Note 1.

Part 1

Jonah Note 1

Jonah Note 2

Jonah Note 3

Jonah Note 4

Jonah Note 5

Jonah Note 6

Jonah Note 7

Popper Note 1

Popper Note 2

Popper Note 3

Unknown Note 2

Popper Note 4

Popper Note 5

Popper Note 6

Popper Note 7

Popper Note 8

Part 2

Unknown Note 3.

Popper Note 9

Popper Note 10

Popper Note 11

Popper Note 12

Popper Note 13

Popper Note 14

Popper Note 15

Raj Note 1

Popper Note 16

Unknown Note 4

Jonah Note 8

Jonah Note 9

Jonah Note 10

Gretchen Note 1

Popper Note 17

Jonah Note 11

Gretchen Note 2

Jonah Note 12

Jonah Note 13

Jonah Note 14

Popper Note 18

Jonah Note 15

Popper Note 19

Gretchen Note 3

Popper Note 20

Jonah Note 16

Gretchen Note 4

Gretchen Note 5

Jonah Note 17

Popper Note 21

Jonah Note 18

Popper Note 22

Jonah Note 19

Part 3

Unknown Note 5

Popper Note 23

Gretchen Note 6

Popper note 24

Popper Note 25

Popper Note 26

Jonah Note 20

Jonah Note 21

Jonah Note 22

Jonah note 23

Jonah Note 24

Jonah Note 25

Jonah Note 26

Raj Note 2

Gretchen Note 7

Jonah Note 27

Popper Note 27

Jonah Note 28

Gretchen Note 8

Popper Note 28

Jonah Note 29

Popper Note 29

Jonah Note 30

Jonah Note 31

Popper Note 30

Epilogue